Not So Short Shorts by Colin Peterson and George O'Sullivan (to read list .TXT) 📖

think I've seen the film, though...Shit, you know, I'd struggle with a comic now.

STAN I know the feeling. Don't worry about it. We've officially had our imaginations erased by the twenty-first century. Fuck it, mate. It'll pass - I've got something to show you.(RUFUS smiles; STAN shakes his head, pre-empting a bad pun, but STAN takes out his DS.) Check out how far I got with this new game - I know it's for kids but it's mental.

RUFUS Yeah,sure.

We see RUFUS and STAN lost in the game, the A4 pad gets forgotten, as RUFUS throws it behind the bench.

[5] KIOSK

by O'SULLIVAN and PETERSON


People:

BILL, in his thirties.
BEN, in his forties.
DAISY, in her twenties.

SCENE: A car park. Morning. The car park is empty, and the kiosk overlooks it [and can be simply offstage for fairly obvious practical purposes.] BILL is reading a newspaper. BEN enters, slowly approaching BILL. BEN carries a plastic carrier bag.

BEN You're back then?

BILL I never left! I'm not like you.

BEN You were on the bog when I left.

BILL You don't work here, do you?

BEN Don't be silly. I only stopped by before I went to the shop.Want a bag of crisps?

BILL No. Sorry, no thanks - very kind of you to offer, though. But it's a no, I'm afriad. I've got biscuits. Anyway, you should know that I can't take gifts from the public.

BEN I'm just any old member of the public, though. It's nothing. I just wanted lunch now.

BILL It's nine in the morning, isn't it?

BEN Well, it's good to plan ahead, right?

BILL I don't know. Lunch is a long way off. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.Why you here?

BEN I've just got nothing to do, that's all.

BILL Get a job then?

BEN I can't. I'm disabled.

BILL Really?

BEN Yes, I've been that way for sometime now. I just do a bit of wandering about.

BILL I see. Bumming around. So you're hanging round here?

BEN It's always empty here. I go for walks around here. Right after 'This Morning'.

BILL You slacker!

BEN I haven't heard that one before! So, mate, seen any cars then? Not exactly busting a gut here, are you?

BILL I got the job though! I get off my backside in the morning. Get off my case. Mate.

BEN Mate - that's nice! I get off my arse too, don't I? Or I wouldn't be chatting to you, would I mate?

BILL That's a good point, actually. I didn't ask you to chat to me, did I?

BEN It must get boring out here?

BILL Yes, it does get dull. I've got my new mobile - does the works - and an old transistor just in case I run out of battery. It'll be useless soon. I just hope I never run out of batteries. I bring a newspaper, sometimes even a dirty book but I don't read much these days, though.

BEN Yeah, I know. I just managed to pick up the sports news. It's much better than the real news - it's far too grim that.

BILL True, very true. We've got it good really, even though it's all pretty shit.

BEN Well, you have it good - getting paid for doing nothing!

BILL Oh no, I got forms and I work long hours. It's tough. And shit.

BEN It's the sign-posting, right? They mucked up the sign-posting, didn't they?

BILL Bloody council idiots; nobody knows the car park exists - do they?

BEN Like out of a zombie movie, isn't it? You're right, though.

BILL It's all the time. It's really doing my head in.

BEN It can be exciting, if you spot some of the random stuff that happens here. You do get the odd lost car, or someone who's trying to dump a vehicle. It's mainly early hours that happens

BILL I wouldn't know.

BEN Asleep?

BILL No, well, I don't know. Do I?

BEN But don't you see them?

BILL No, it'll be more work then. I let the agency take the dead cars and deal with the stragglers.

BEN I reckon I could do your job.

BILL Of course you could, but not every Tom, Dick, or Harriet will stick it out though. It's just the hours are long and the pay isn't great. It's a nightmare, I dread coming here.

BEN Can I cover you when you go on holdiay?

BILL No, our agency takes care of all that.And we do have another couple of guys. One of the guys - I say guys as they're usually blokes - but I was so shocked to find a Polish woman doing this job. Who would've thought it? I know. I was in complete shock for a long time; she turned up for her shifts when I had to get my piles sorted.

BEN Damn. How about a jobshare?

BILL A what?

BEN If the hours are too long for you, maybe I can help you? It's all about quality of life these days, isn't it? You could sub it out to me and you just keep your mobile handy if I have any problems here. Like a supervisor?

BILL No, I can't. It does sound good though. No, I should'n't even think about it. But I suppose you do spend a lot of time here, don't you? I could call you an informant?

BEN But I'll just be keeping an eye on it, right?

BILL No, no, it's daft. We all need to be vetted these days. How do I know you won't go off for a wander or commit some random crime?

BEN Well, you're paying me, aren't you?

BILL But you might not be the working sort?

BEN OK, fine, I'll admit it: I'm unemployed. I've been that way long before it became fashionable again. But I worked years ago. I always dreamed about an easy job, and I mean that. You just might have winged it.

BILL Yes, it's pretty easy, I suppose. I would be doing you a huge favour. Hang about though, I'd have to pay you cash in hand right?

BEN No, I'm willing to risk a comfortable benefit, built up through years of boring idleness and I will be pleased - no, honoured! - to assist you.

BILL What if you quit on me?

BEN I won't, I've got a thick skin. Even if you swear and shout at me and call me lots of bad names. I'm a professional.

BILL That's good to hear. You're not quoting adverts at me are you? It's not a good way to sell yourself.

BEN Sorry, I can't help it if I am! I've watched so much TV. You might not understand.

BILL I don't know if I like you. You're a bit weird. And you've hung round me too much. I should make it fair and advertise the job to people who don't linger around here through boredom.

BEN Think about it. Think of all the free time you'll have.

BILL Maybe, if you're family you've got to help them get on, as we say over here. Got a nephew, yeah, just graduated in fine art. Utterly useless. Probably end up in porn; it's very weird.He's a right little poof aswell, but a really nice guy. I suppose he's a bit dull, although I probably just don't get his arty ways! He might like this job. He'd need it to be an artsypants. He's never had a job before. But I'd let him work here on the sly. Give him some experience. It's not like he's earning loads, though he might make a mint in the artworld if he dies. You know how queer that lot is. Why don't you find a mate who might do that for you?

BEN I don't know. I just don't have those sort of connections. And I know nothing about art. Can't I share your connections? I should've made more, I suppose.

BILL Yes, you should have! You're washed up. You need to sell yourself more. You've got to keep moving and keep with the times.

BEN Easy for you to say.

BILL What's your name, by the way?

BEN You forgot it already?

BILL I, erm,uh, well maybe. I don't know if you said it. I'm good with names.

BEN Ben.

BILL Well Ben, I'm Bill. That's funny.

BILL and BEN shake hands.

BEN You sure you don't want a bag of crisps?

BILL No, no, it's fine Ben. Thanks once again. I suppose it's good to have someone to chat to! I usually talk to myself.

BEN So do I! I've seen you talk to yourself here.

BILL That's not weird, is it?

BEN Who cares? [BILL shrugs.] At least nothing happens here. It's great to know.

BILL Someone got a flat tyre the other day.

DAISY enters looking strssed, her mobile phone in her hand. BEN ogles DAISY as she approaches.

BILL Hello darling; can I help you?

DAISY A car up the road has been dumped and it's blocked me in. You get a lot of joyriders around here. I need to phone the council, but my poxy mobile's out of reception. You mind if I use a phone?

BILL The receptions bad here and there's no external line here.

DAISY Damn. What do I do?

BILL I don't know; I don't think I'm paid to make those sort of decisions. Can't you find a call box?

BEN Get real mate, it's nothing but vandalised wastes out here!

BILL True. Maybe I can use me laptop?

DAISY Look, I won't keep you, I just need to get out. I'm going to be late for my meeting.

BILL Want a bag of crisps while you wait for the council to tow it away?

DAISY Thanks. Don't mind if I do.

DAISY takes a bag of crisps from the carrier bag, opens them and starts eating. BILL and BEN stare at her.

DAISY Lovely crisps. They handcooked?

BILL I don't know. It say on the bag? They're Ben's crisps.

DAISY They're nice. Thanks for the crisps.

BEN Should say on the pack if they're handcooked. Watch out for salt; the posh ones are bad -- you know they hide it

DAISY Salt? I like them salty, isn't that the whole point?

BILL Yikes, easy on lady. No need to get racy. I was being healthy, that's all.

DAISY I'm sorry?

BEN I think he's joking. You get used to it. He's a bit of a prude, aren't you old Bill?

BILL What?

DAISY You don't look like a prude, Bill.

BILL Old Bill?

BEN It's fine, Bill. I was just being affectionate.

BILL I don't like men being affectionate to me like that! I know it's the twenty-first century and all; but I still don't like men being all like that with me. Honest to God, it sends shivers down my spine!

BEN Really?

DAISY I think it's