Not So Short Shorts by Colin Peterson and George O'Sullivan (to read list .TXT) 📖
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cute.
BILL Do you?
DAISY Yes, it's very sweet.
BILL You're an odd sort.
DAISY Not really. I just like it that you can be open without bullshitting each other.
BILL I don't lie. I don't believe in bullshit and I've no need to lie. I work in a car park.
BEN We're not together-together, if you get what I mean?
DAISY What about this phonecall?
BILL I don't know if I can help. It's out of my hands.
BEN I've got an idea. It's a bit of a longshot but, maybe, we can budge the other car? So you can get your own car out?
DAISY That's a good idea. I don't mind helping.
BILL Hold on a moment. What about health and safety? Ben, lad, I thought you're disabled?
BEN I am.
BILL But there's a camera's round there, isn't there? They'll nab you, I've seen those scary adverts on the telly.
BEN And? It's probably a decoy anyway.
DAISY I don't mind if it's a problem. I'll walk to the council offices or something.
BILL No, it's no problem. No problem at all, dearie. Just a bit of a headache. It's me back, too. I got to watch it now.
BEN You should try homeopathic remedies.
BILL Oh no, I don't do no queer foreign drugs. I just dip into mother's morphine now and again.
BEN I see. That explains a fair bit.
BILL Yes, you probably notice I get the odd tweaks now and again.
BEN Tweaks? As in tweaking?
BILL No, I suppose it's more of a twinge.
DAISY Did you say Morpheus?
BILL No, it's nothing dodgy. None of these foul kiddie party drugs you probably know all about. Never heard of that stuff anyway. No, I'm not really in touch with all that rubbish. It's all rubbish, isn't it? You don't know what's what these days!
BEN How's this chat going to get a car moved?
BILL Good point that.
DAISY I think it's going to rain soon.
BILL[gulping, as is he's asking DAISY out.] Fancy keeping warm in the kiosk? We can all squeeze in. It can be quite cosy sometimes. Can't we try? We'll try and move the piece of scrap blocking you in when the rain stops. It'll be better.
BEN Tough, isn't he?
DAISY I don't know if I should get in a kiosk with strange men.
BEN He's right, it's starting to spit.
DAISY Oh yes, I should say I'm Daisy. Did I say that?
BEN It doesn't matter now. Nothing happens when it's about to rain.
DAISY Thanks for not calling me pet, girly, or dearie. Much appreciated that.
BILL I can't help calling folk that. It's me age I think. I'm sorry.
DAISY It's fine; it's usually a sleazy old man thing anyway.
BILL I just invited you into my kiosk -- I'm not being sleazy. Honest!
BEN Don't wind him up; he can't help being boring.
BILL Will you stop slagging me off?
BEN I'm not.
BILL You shouldn't be here. I'm going to use my walkie-talkie to get rid of you now.
BEN Bill, you idiot!
BILL What?
DAISY[smiles; slightly baffled.] You have a walkie-talkie?
BILL Yes, it's for emergencies. I get into trouble if I use it. The battery isn't great at times.
DAISY But you can call someone on it and then they can sort out that car, can't they?
BILL I don't know. Maybe, I suppose.
BEN Bless him, he's in a tough job.
BILL Shut up you. I think I will have a bag of crisps. [Takes a bag of crisps.] In my kiosk. Alone.
BILL exits in a strop leaving DAISY and BEN standing around.
BEN I'm sure he'll use his thingy to get you help. He won't leave you in the lurch, he's got nothing else to do.
DAISY I don't know, I've a bad feeling about this.
BEN So what you doing here anyway? Sorry, that's nosy.
DAISY Yes, it is. You can keep warm in my car though, if you want too.
BEN Kiosk or a car? That's tough! Your car or his kiosk? It's a tough choice, but I think I'll go with you.
DAISY I thought so.
BEN and DAISY exit, going towards her car. After a pause, BILL enters, clutching his open bag of crisps.
BILL[shouting after them.] BEN! BEN! HEY! I don't like Prawn Cocktail! BEN!
END
BILL Do you?
DAISY Yes, it's very sweet.
BILL You're an odd sort.
DAISY Not really. I just like it that you can be open without bullshitting each other.
BILL I don't lie. I don't believe in bullshit and I've no need to lie. I work in a car park.
BEN We're not together-together, if you get what I mean?
DAISY What about this phonecall?
BILL I don't know if I can help. It's out of my hands.
BEN I've got an idea. It's a bit of a longshot but, maybe, we can budge the other car? So you can get your own car out?
DAISY That's a good idea. I don't mind helping.
BILL Hold on a moment. What about health and safety? Ben, lad, I thought you're disabled?
BEN I am.
BILL But there's a camera's round there, isn't there? They'll nab you, I've seen those scary adverts on the telly.
BEN And? It's probably a decoy anyway.
DAISY I don't mind if it's a problem. I'll walk to the council offices or something.
BILL No, it's no problem. No problem at all, dearie. Just a bit of a headache. It's me back, too. I got to watch it now.
BEN You should try homeopathic remedies.
BILL Oh no, I don't do no queer foreign drugs. I just dip into mother's morphine now and again.
BEN I see. That explains a fair bit.
BILL Yes, you probably notice I get the odd tweaks now and again.
BEN Tweaks? As in tweaking?
BILL No, I suppose it's more of a twinge.
DAISY Did you say Morpheus?
BILL No, it's nothing dodgy. None of these foul kiddie party drugs you probably know all about. Never heard of that stuff anyway. No, I'm not really in touch with all that rubbish. It's all rubbish, isn't it? You don't know what's what these days!
BEN How's this chat going to get a car moved?
BILL Good point that.
DAISY I think it's going to rain soon.
BILL[gulping, as is he's asking DAISY out.] Fancy keeping warm in the kiosk? We can all squeeze in. It can be quite cosy sometimes. Can't we try? We'll try and move the piece of scrap blocking you in when the rain stops. It'll be better.
BEN Tough, isn't he?
DAISY I don't know if I should get in a kiosk with strange men.
BEN He's right, it's starting to spit.
DAISY Oh yes, I should say I'm Daisy. Did I say that?
BEN It doesn't matter now. Nothing happens when it's about to rain.
DAISY Thanks for not calling me pet, girly, or dearie. Much appreciated that.
BILL I can't help calling folk that. It's me age I think. I'm sorry.
DAISY It's fine; it's usually a sleazy old man thing anyway.
BILL I just invited you into my kiosk -- I'm not being sleazy. Honest!
BEN Don't wind him up; he can't help being boring.
BILL Will you stop slagging me off?
BEN I'm not.
BILL You shouldn't be here. I'm going to use my walkie-talkie to get rid of you now.
BEN Bill, you idiot!
BILL What?
DAISY[smiles; slightly baffled.] You have a walkie-talkie?
BILL Yes, it's for emergencies. I get into trouble if I use it. The battery isn't great at times.
DAISY But you can call someone on it and then they can sort out that car, can't they?
BILL I don't know. Maybe, I suppose.
BEN Bless him, he's in a tough job.
BILL Shut up you. I think I will have a bag of crisps. [Takes a bag of crisps.] In my kiosk. Alone.
BILL exits in a strop leaving DAISY and BEN standing around.
BEN I'm sure he'll use his thingy to get you help. He won't leave you in the lurch, he's got nothing else to do.
DAISY I don't know, I've a bad feeling about this.
BEN So what you doing here anyway? Sorry, that's nosy.
DAISY Yes, it is. You can keep warm in my car though, if you want too.
BEN Kiosk or a car? That's tough! Your car or his kiosk? It's a tough choice, but I think I'll go with you.
DAISY I thought so.
BEN and DAISY exit, going towards her car. After a pause, BILL enters, clutching his open bag of crisps.
BILL[shouting after them.] BEN! BEN! HEY! I don't like Prawn Cocktail! BEN!
END
Publication Date: 09-02-2010
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