Not So Short Shorts by Colin Peterson and George O'Sullivan (to read list .TXT) 📖

[3] WAITING FOR THE WAITER by O'Sullivan and Peterson


VEENA KREMER, late-twenties/early-thirties. Oriental looking, but she's got red hair and she looks like a high-class hooker.
CONRAD PEAKE, late fifties/early sixties. A white man, looking slightly haggard, with tiwnkly eyes, and wearing a smart suit. He clings to a bottle of champagne, as if it's a newborn baby . He's lost something on the train and it might be important. He can't remember what he's lost, though.
FEMI KIDO, mid-late thirties/early forties. Black and is looking like an athlete, as he wears the attire of a personal trainer. But he has a hidden agenda, as he's seen CONRAD before and wants to return his case to him.

Set: a restaurant in Golders Green, which is empty. It's always empty; it's amazing how it survives.

SCENE: Restaurant in Golders Green.
CONRAD PEAKE is guzzling champagne and burping loudly.

CONRAD PEAKE WAITER! MORE! Fine, I'll just help myself then!

CONRAD staggers away, where we hear the crashing of bottles and crockery. CONRAD returns with another bottle of champagne, which he kisses. VEENA KREMER enters, looking around.

VEENA You run this place, yeah?

CONRAD I''m sorry? Did you say yeah? CALL ME SIR!

VEENA Whatever - look I'm meant to have a table booked for --

CONRAD I do not run this establishment, young lady! [Burps.] Would you like a dropsy of bubbly?

VEENA No, I hate that shit. Look, I need my table I'm booked for --

CONRAD WAITERS! WAITERS!

VEENA Isn't anyone here?

CONRAD I don't know. I stumbled in here, I needed to go back to the station but I've lost something on there. OOPS!

VEENA You're pissed!

CONRAD No, I'm not, I'm not! I'm a busy businessman. I started off with nothing - my dad was a miner. The daft fool. Anyway, he didn't do anything for the swift nudge-nudge-wink-wink. I do whatever. I've done anything.

VEENA You don't own this then?

CONRAD I might do - my portfolio is extensive. I've forgotten how much I actually own.

VEENA I'm waiting for someone.

CONRAD Now we're waiting for the waiters! Awful service, here! It's very continental, I don't like that. My time is precious. Maybe we should get a hotel?

VEENA I'm not like that, if that's what you're thinking.

CONRAD I forgot, I'm sorry. I completely forget that young women must dress like whores, as it's part of the fashion these days. Are you on The Hit Parade? Sometimes I can't tell the difference. My grand-daughter will be watching those music videos and I have to rush to the en suite to bash one out, or I'll be standing there with a raging erection. Might save on those little blue pills, I suppose. But I can't be erect around music videos and while my grand-daughter watches them. It's the industry's fault for selling out to porn - most of them will end up there.

VEENA I don't do any of that. I'm a dancer.

CONRAD I'm connected, come and sit at my table.

VEENA I'm fine thanks - I'll wait here.

CONRAD Who are you waiting for?

VEENA A person.

CONRAD Great one that - I gathered that. Unless Zog's coming down from Mars![Laughs at his own joke.] Don't you want a drinksypoo?

VEENA Diet coke's fine.

CONRAD It's a restaurant and they've left the bar unattended! Go and have a brandy!

VEENA A diet coke's fine. You trying to get me pissed?

CONRAD[nods,laughing.] Actually, I finished the brandy off. Oh, it's such a shame the flappers aren't around. I lost my virginity to an old flapper. Oh, it was different for them all right! Lovely women, really showed me a trick or too.

VEENA You're not eating here then?

CONRAD No, not yet. Ordered, what was it? Something. Never showed up. Awful service, didn't I say? I think the kitchen staff are having a bit of a scuffle. You know what they get like in this business. The men, big men, turn into huge grumpy ladies. They care what people think and get all worked up over it. With me, as long as you can stuff the food down your gob, mix it with the finest alcoholic beverages and not shit out any radioactive waste, then it's great grub by me! I am not fussed.

VEENA It's a bit expensive, isn't it? Where's the menu?

CONRAD I don't know actually.

VEENA Are you sure it's open? It's getting late.

CONRAD Oh no, it's open all right. It was like that when I stumbled in. They were all gathered around a table then.

VEENA Right. I'll go in a bit.

CONRAD No, don't - please don't! Join a sad old man for a drink!

VEENA Fine.

CONRAD A real drink?

VEENA A drink you said and I want a diet coke.

CONRAD I won't get you drunk and take off all your clothes and have my wicked way with you! No, oh no way! I haven't got the strength these days to tussle with fillies like you. Why expose myself to the law, when I have internet porn and membership to numerous establishments of a relaxing order?

VEENA So you didn't break all that over then?

CONRAD[looking around, slightly baffled.] Me? No, it wasn't me kiddo!

VEENA Who knows - maybe you're a perve and had to have a violent wank in here, breaking everything. I walked past a kebab shop in Chalk Farm late at night and the guy cleaning up was wanking, as clear as day. I didn't know where to look. He saw me and started going even faster!

CONRAD I wished my wife was like you. I divorced in seventy-eight. Awful woman, a total drunk. I think she likes prescribed medication as well these days. She always had to be fashionable. After our divorce she married a bisexual Italian. She was into Demerol and Nembutal, back then, when she was with me. I've heard she's all into Vicodin, Prozac, and plant food. She has to be in fashion, I suppose, but she runs a fashion house, so you'd expect that. I'm too much of a ruthless businessman for all that artsy queer stuff.

VEENA Sounds like you've had it rough. We've all got the sob stories in us, I suppose.

CONRAD No, oh no! I'm no sympathy fuck! I hate sob stories. Save them for True Movies, that's what I say. No, I've made it and broke it! I'm Conrad, by the way!

VEENA I'm Veena. I suppose you don't mind me smoking?

VEENA eventually sits down, she takes off her heels and rubs her feet. She opens her handbag and takes out some cigarettes. She lights one up and puffs defiantly.

CONRAD Good idea! [Takes out a crushed cigar.] May I borrow your lighter? I suppose no-one is here to report us!

VEENA hands CONRAD her lighter, he doesn't light the cigar properly and just sucks on it, handing VEENA'S lighter back to her.

CONRAD So how much do you charge?

VEENA I'm a dancer.

CONRAD Oh, yes, right. Of course. Sorry. Erm, do you have a freelance fee?

VEENA I do parties. Two hundred pound a night.

CONRAD That's reasonable. I done a lot of marching powder and spent over two grand in Soho on prositutes. It was money well spent in my book.

VEENA You can get it cheaper abroad.

CONRAD Oh, so you do know what I'm chatting about?

VEENA Maybe. Maybe not. I do exotic dance and I teach.

CONRAD Teach! You're barely out of school yourself! All teachers should have life experience and be over thirty, at least. It's fine for a primary school teacher to be straight out of uni, but for a young adult to have a teacher who's only a decade, or so, older than them with no real life experience is criminal. Bloody geeks eh? They always win!

VEENA I do not teach in schools.

CONRAD Good, they're bloody shit!

VEENA I'm waiting for an agent; he said he'd meet me here.

CONRAD You want that diet coke now?

VEENA No, I'm going to make a phone call in a bit. The bastard should be here.

CONRAD So he spent a romantic evening with you, and all, then fled?

VEENA I'll find him on Facebook, don't you worry!

CONRAD Well, be careful. Might be a psycho for hire! You never know what kind of weirdo communicates via computer these days.

VEENA That reminds me, I have to check my emails.

VEENA exits, stubbing out her cigarette on her way out. CONRAD guzzles more champagne and we see FEMI KIDO enter carrying a brief case. CONRAD jumps up, looking scared.

CONRAD Take what you want, it's not mine!

FEMI KIDO No? You dropped this on the tube! I saw you. Seemed like you were late, you were really rushing off!

CONRAD What?

FEMI I chased after you but you ran away! I tried to shout, but I smoke forty a day, so I don't really shout no more! I don't like shouting anyway. I was on my way back from the gym and found this. I did call.

CONRAD You're the one who kept phoning me?

FEMI Yep. Lucky you had your mobile on you. I sent the text in the end.

CONRAD I thought you were going to rob me! I even thought it a blackmail plot. I have a lot of enemies, you know! [Pause, drunkenly smiles.] Oh what a relief! You are a very kind person!How decent of you! I'll get you a drink.

FEMI I don't really drink.

CONRAD Nonsense! Not you, too! Get some booze down you boy!

FEMI No, it's fine, I don't really drink. I'll take a puff on your cigar though [CONRAD hands him the crushed cigar. FEMI laughs at it, but takes a chuff.] Bit pointless after the gym, but you know how it goes!

CONRAD Of course, of course. I'll find you a juice here. Personally, I don't touch juice, I have to have it with alcohol in. But I have to ask you something?

FEMI Yeah, sure.

CONRAD You didn't see me come out of that building?

FEMI Yeah, sure I did.

CONRAD You don't happen to know what's situated there, do you?

FEMI I've lived here for a while, so I know the area. It's fine, I won't say.I hear the massages are very good there.

CONRAD So you've heard? I mistook it for a new agency specialising in public sector contracts.

FEMI I'm sure it's a massage parlour. And I've heard the dominatrix in there's very --

CONRAD Umm, I think so too. Anyway, old chap, I went into the wrong office.

FEMI Honestly, I'm not here to blackmail you!

CONRAD I'll write you a cheque for one thousand pounds. Is that enough?

FEMI WHAT? You got to be joking?

CONRAD No, oh no! There's more. That's a lot of --

FEMI No, really it's fine.

CONRAD I insist; it'll give me some weird peace of mind. And if you don't take it now, it means I'll be worrying about