Growing Fast. Dying Slow. Living Life. Being Me. by Brooke O. (books to read this summer TXT) 📖

I don’t wanna live in pain
I don’t wanna live in fear

I don’t wanna know
That you would give the world
Just to see me cry

I don’t wanna
Still wanna give the world
Just to see you smile

As evil as it is beautiful
As numbing as it is painful
As sweet as it is murderous

As you
As it is a part of me

As it is forever
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If I had died
Right now
Would you have cried?

As my blood rand down the sink
Would you even blink?

Those stitch marks on my hand mean something
They’re holding me together
Reminding me not to fall apart

You’d probably laugh
If it all went wrong
And you know it already has

Please!
I’m holding that damn knife right now!

Just say the words
I’m yours
Just say the words
I’m gone

It’s all my fault
Everything is my fault

I’m so sorry
I’m so very sorry

I’ll do anything at all

Anything

Please!
I’m holding that damn knife right now!

They made me promise no
But I had my fingers crossed

I couldn’t make that promise
It was one I knew I might not be able to keep

They know
Just how much I adore you

I would die without you

So please!
I’m holding that damn knife right now!

I would die without you

But, right now
As I look at those stitch marks
I’m reminded
Not to fall apart

So please!

Please

Please
Just go
Because I’m so gone
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Honestly…
I’m so not over you

Not even close

I saw her talking to you today
I just walked off and ignored it

And then,
I heard you laugh
At one of her jokes

You used to laugh at my jokes
I used to laugh at your jokes
Even though they were stupid and perverted
You could always put me in a good mood

You walked her down the hall
Never even looked my way

And I’m not mad at her

She doesn’t know
She’s my friend

Just… don’t make her cry
And hurt her
As bad as you hurt me

Even though everything hurts

It’s getting better
It’s getting so much better

He turns around and talks to me
He says the most idiotic jokes
She watches stupid videos with me when I’m sad
She pokes my stomach (something is definitely wrong with her)
His voice cracks (I know he can’t help it, it’s just so funny)

All my friends
Are trying to help

Her
Do you like her?

She’s a good friend
And I can tell she always will be

So… just don’t hurt her
And make her cry
Like you did to me
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I’m not afraid of the dark
I’m not afraid of pain
I’m not afraid of my weaknesses
I’m not afraid of loneliness

But I’m afraid
That it will all happen again

I’m afraid I’ll be destroyed
Once again

I’m afraid that he’ll tell me no
I’m afraid that he’ll let me go

I’m afraid…
Of what I know will happen one day

I’m terrified of my future
Of what I might do this time

I’m afraid
That this time
It'll be so much harder
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Hi,
I’m Brooke.
I’m 12 years old.

And I know
Just how cruel
The world can be sometimes.

I know
That things don’t always end happily.

I know
Just how badly
I’ve messed some things up.
So badly
That they’re impossible to fix.

I know
Exactly who I am.

So,
You can say whatever you want.

As long as I know who I am
As long as I know
That things can always get better

I know
That I
Am just as good as them.
I know
That I
Am just as good as you.

I am ALWAYS
Going to be
Me

Because I feel
That I am as perfect
In as many ways as I’m not
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Sometimes I get scared
And disappointed
When I look ahead to the future

I think of how
I haven’t done anything big in my life
And I’m growing fast

I’ll have to learn to be responsible one day
… It’s all gone by so fast

I’m not ready for the future
I’m so scared
It’s all gone by so fast

I think of how little time
I have until I’m an adult

I think of how one day I’ll fall in love
And hope someone falls in love with me

But sometimes
I realize I’m no one special
I’m normal
Those big things that I see in my head
Are just thoughts

But that doesn’t stop me from dreaming
I don’t think that it ever will

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I’m not perfect
Nowhere near

I’m not the prettiest
I don’t need you to tell me

I don’t always receive kind words
I don’t always give kind words
I’m not always the nicest person

I have fears
I know just how bad some of the things I’ve done are
I’ve had thoughts that pain me to remember
I’ve seen things that give me nightmares

I’ve had heartbreak
I’ve cried my eyes out
And I never let anyone know

I’ve had my fair share of happy memories
And I’ve had plenty of memories that are the exact opposite

I’m living in this world of happiness and pain
I’m living in this world of imperfection

I’m not perfect
I think that it is absolutely impossible

to be perfect
Because being perfect
Is an imperfection
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Why am I always the joke?
Why am I always the one you treat as if I had a personality of