Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

little able to put things before me by the help of my

understanding, that, unless I saw a thing with my eyes, my

imagination was of no use whatever. I could not do as others do,

who can put matters before themselves so as to become thereby

recollected. I was able to think of Christ only as man. But so

it was; and I never could form any image of Him to myself, though

I read much of His beauty, and looked at pictures of Him. I was

like one who is blind, or in the dark, who, though speaking to a

person present, and feeling his presence, because he knows for

certain that he is present—I mean, that he understands him to be

present, and believes it—yet does not see him. It was thus with

me when I used to think of our Lord. This is why I was so fond

of images. Wretched are they who, through their own fault, have

lost this blessing; it is clear enough that they do not love our

Lord—for if they loved Him, they would rejoice at the sight of

His picture, just as men find pleasure when they see the portrait

of one they love.

8. At this time, the Confessions of St. Augustine were given me.

Our Lord seems to have so ordained it, for I did not seek them

myself, neither had I ever seen them before. I had a very great

devotion to St. Augustine, because the monastery in which I lived

when I was yet in the world was of his Order; [5] and also

because he had been a sinner—for I used to find great comfort in

those Saints whom, after they had sinned, our Lord converted to

Himself. I thought they would help me, and that, as our Lord had

forgiven them, so also He would forgive me. One thing, however,

there was that troubled me—I have spoken of it before [6]—our

Lord had called them but once, and they never relapsed; while my

relapses were now so many. This it was that vexed me.

But calling to mind the love that He bore me, I took courage

again. Of His mercy I never doubted once, but I did very often

of myself.

9. O my God, I amazed at the hardness of my heart amidst so many

succours from Thee. I am filled with dread when I see how little

I could do with myself, and how I was clogged, so that I could

not resolve to give myself entirely to God. When I began to read

the Confessions, I thought I saw myself there described, and

began to recommend myself greatly to this glorious Saint. When I

came to his conversion, and read how he heard that voice in the

garden, it seemed to me nothing less than that our Lord had

uttered it for me: I felt so in my heart. I remained for some

time lost in tears, in great inward affliction and distress. O my

God, what a soul has to suffer because it has lost the liberty it

had of being mistress over itself! and what torments it has to

endure! I wonder now how I could live in torments so great: God

be praised Who gave me life, so that I might escape from so fatal

a death! I believe that my soul obtained great strength from His

Divine Majesty, and that He must have heard my cry, and had

compassion upon so many tears.

10. A desire to spend more time with Him began to grow within me,

and also to withdraw from the occasions of sin: for as soon as I

had done so, I turned lovingly to His Majesty at once.

I understood clearly, as I thought, that I loved Him; but I did

not understand, as I ought to have understood it, wherein the

true love of God consists. I do not think I had yet perfectly

disposed myself to seek His service when His Majesty turned

towards me with His consolations. What others strive after with

great labour, our Lord seems to have looked out for a way to make

me willing to accept—that is, in these later years to give me

joy and comfort. But as for asking our Lord to give me either

these things or sweetness in devotion, I never dared to do it;

the only thing I prayed Him to give me was the grace never to

offend Him, together with the forgiveness of my great sins.

When I saw that my sins were so great, I never ventured

deliberately to ask for consolation or for sweetness. He had

compassion enough upon me, I think—and, in truth, He dealt with

me according to His great mercy—when He allowed me to stand

before Him, and when He drew me into His presence; for I saw

that, if He had not drawn me, I should not have come at all.

11. Once only in my life do I remember asking for consolation,

being at the time in great aridities. When I considered what I

had done, I was so confounded, that the very distress I suffered

from seeing how little humility I had, brought me that which I

had been so bold as to ask for. I knew well that it was lawful

to pray for it; but it seemed to me that it is lawful only for

those who are in good dispositions, who have sought with all

their might to attain to true devotion—that is, not to offend

God, and to be disposed and resolved for all goodness. I looked

upon those tears of mine as womanish and weak, seeing that I did

not obtain my desires by them; nevertheless, I believe that they

did me some service; for, specially after those two occasions of

great compunction and sorrow of heart, [7] accompanied by tears,

of which I am speaking, I began in an especial way to give myself

more to prayer, and to occupy myself less with those things which

did me harm—though I did not give them up altogether. But God

Himself, as I have just said, came to my aid, and helped me to

turn away from them. As His Majesty was only waiting for some

preparation on my part, the spiritual graces grew in me as I

shall now explain. It is not the custom of our Lord to give

these graces to any but to those who keep their consciences in

greater pureness. [8]

1. In the year 1555 (Bouix).

2. See ch. iv. § 10; ch. x. § 1.

3. See Relation, i. § 12.

4. See ch. iv. § 11.

5. Ch. ii. § 8.

6. In the Prologue.

7. § 1.

8. Ch. iv. § 11.

Chapter X.

The Graces She Received in Prayer. What We Can Do Ourselves.

The Great Importance of Understanding What Our Lord Is Doing

for Us. She Desires Her Confessors to Keep Her Writings Secret,

Because of the Special Graces of Our Lord to Her, Which They Had

Commanded Her to Describe.

1. I used to have at times, as I have said, [1] though it used to

pass quickly away—certain commencements of that which I am going

now to describe. When I formed those pictures within myself of

throwing myself at the feet of Christ, as I said before, [2] and

sometimes even when I was reading, a feeling of the presence of

God would come over me unexpectedly, so that I could in no wise

doubt either that He was within me, or that I was wholly absorbed

in Him. It was not by way of vision; I believe it was what is

called mystical theology. The soul is suspended in such a way

that it seems to be utterly beside itself. The will loves; the

memory, so it seems to me, is as it were lost; and the

understanding, so I think, makes no reflections—yet is not lost:

as I have just said, it is not at work, but it stands as if

amazed at the greatness of the things it understands; for God

wills it to understand that it understands nothing whatever of

that which His Majesty places before it.

2. Before this, I had a certain tenderness of soul which was very

abiding, partially attainable, I believe, in some measure, by our

own efforts: a consolation which is not wholly in the senses, nor

yet altogether in the spirit, but is all of it the gift of God.

However, I think we can contribute much towards the attaining of

it by considering our vileness and our ingratitude towards

God—the great things He has done for us—His Passion, with its

grievous pains—and His life, so full of sorrows; also, by

rejoicing in the contemplation of His works, of His greatness,

and of the love that He bears us. Many other considerations

there are which he who really desires to make progress will often

stumble on, though he may not be very much on the watch for them.

If with this there be a little love, the soul is comforted, the

heart is softened, and tears flow. Sometimes it seems that we do

violence to ourselves and weep; at other times, our Lord seems to

do so, so that we have no power to resist Him. His Majesty seems

to reward this slight carefulness of ours with so grand a gift as

is this consolation which He ministers to the soul of seeing

itself weeping for so great a Lord. I am not surprised; for the

soul has reason enough, and more than enough, for its joy. Here

it comforts itself—here it rejoices.

3. The comparison which now presents itself seems to me to be

good. These joys in prayer are like what those of heaven must

be. As the vision of the saints, which is measured by their

merits there, reaches no further than our Lord wills, and as the

blessed see how little merit they had, every one of them is

satisfied with the place assigned him: there being the very

greatest difference between one joy and another in heaven, and

much greater than between one spiritual joy and another on

earth—which is, however, very great. And in truth, in the

beginning, a soul in which God works this grace thinks that now

it has scarcely anything more to desire, and counts itself

abundantly rewarded for all the service it has rendered Him.

And there is reason for this: for one of those tears—which, as I

have just said, are almost in our own power, though without God

nothing can be done—cannot, in my opinion, be purchased with all

the labours of the world, because of the great gain it brings us.

And what greater gain can we have than some testimony of our

having pleased God? Let him, then, who shall have attained to

this, give praise unto God—acknowledge himself to be one of His

greatest debtors; because it seems to be His will to take him

into His house, having chosen him for His kingdom, if he does not

turn back.

4. Let him not regard certain kinds of humility which exist, and

of which I mean to speak. [3] Some think it humility not to

believe that God is bestowing His gifts upon them. Let us

clearly understand this, and that it is perfectly clear God

bestows His gifts without any merit whatever on our part; and let

us be grateful to His Majesty for them; for if we do not

recognize the gifts received at His hands, we shall never be

moved to love Him. It is a most certain truth, that