Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

but remember that Satan suggested them to St. Jerome

also in the desert. [5] These labours have their reward, I know

it; for I am one who underwent them for many years. When I drew

but one drop of water out of this blessed well, I considered it

was a mercy of God. I know these labours are very great, and

require, I think, greater courage than many others in this world;

but I have seen clearly that God does not leave them without a

great recompense, even in this life; for it is very certain that

in one hour, during which our Lord gave me to taste His

sweetness, all the anxieties which I had to bear when persevering

in prayer seem to me ever afterwards perfectly rewarded.

18. I believe that it is our Lord’s good pleasure frequently in

the beginning, and at times in the end, to send these torments,

and many other incidental temptations, to try those who love Him,

and to ascertain if they will drink the chalice, [6] and help Him

to carry the Cross, before He intrusts them with His great

treasures. I believe it to be for our good that His Majesty

should lead us by this way, so that we may perfectly understand

how worthless we are; for the graces which He gives afterwards

are of a dignity so great, that He will have us by experience

know our wretchedness before He grants them, that it may not be

with us as it was with Lucifer.

19. What canst Thou do, O my Lord, that is not for the greater

good of that soul which Thou knowest to be already Thine, and

which gives itself up to Thee to follow Thee whithersoever Thou

goest, even to the death of the Cross; and which is determined to

help Thee to carry that Cross, and not to leave Thee alone with

it? He who shall discern this resolution in himself has nothing

to fear: no, no; spiritual people have nothing to fear. There is

no reason why he should be distressed who is already raised to so

high a degree as this is of wishing to converse in solitude with

God, and to abandon the amusements of the world. The greater

part of the work is done; give praise to His Majesty for it, and

trust in His goodness who has never failed those who love Him.

Close the eyes of your imagination, and do not ask why He gives

devotion to this person in so short a time, and none to me after

so many years. Let us believe that all is for our greater good;

let His Majesty guide us whithersoever He will: we are not our

own, but His. He shows us mercy enough when it is His pleasure

we should be willing to dig in His garden, and to be so near the

Lord of it: He certainly is near to us. If it be His will that

these plants and flowers should grow—some of them when He gives

water we may draw from the well, others when He gives none—what

is that to me? Do Thou, O Lord, accomplish Thy will; let me

never offend Thee, nor let my virtues perish; if Thou hast given

me any, it is out of Thy mere goodness. I wish to suffer,

because Thou, O Lord, hast suffered; do Thou in every way fulfil

Thy will in me, and may it never be the pleasure of Thy Majesty

that a gift of so high a price as that of Thy love, be given to

people who serve Thee only because of the sweetness they

find thereby.

20. It is much to be observed, and I say so because I know by

experience, that the soul which, begins to walk in the way of

mental prayer with resolution, and is determined not to care

much, neither to rejoice nor to be greatly afflicted, whether

sweetness and tenderness fail it, or our Lord grants them, has

already travelled a great part of the road. Let that soul, then,

have no fear that it is going back, though it may frequently

stumble; for the building is begun on a firm foundation. It is

certain that the love of God does not consist in tears, nor in

this sweetness and tenderness which we for the most part desire,

and with which we console ourselves; but rather in serving Him in

justice, fortitude, and humility. That seems to me to be a

receiving rather than a giving of anything on our part.

21. As for poor women, such as I am, weak and infirm of purpose,

it seems to me to be necessary that I should be led on through

consolations, as God is doing now, so that I might be able to

endure certain afflictions which it has pleased His Majesty I

should have. But when the servants of God, who are men of

weight, learning, and sense, make so much account, as I see they

do, whether God gives them sweetness in devotion or not, I am

disgusted when I listen to them. I do not say that they ought

not to accept it, and make much of it, when God gives

it—because, when He gives it, His Majesty sees it to be

necessary for them—but I do say that they ought not to grow

weary when they have it not. They should then understand that

they have no need of it, and be masters of themselves, when His

Majesty does not give it. Let them be convinced of this, there

is a fault here; I have had experience of it, and know it to be

so. Let them believe it as an imperfection: they are not

advancing in liberty of spirit, but shrinking like cowards from

the assault.

22. It is not so much to beginners that I say this—though I do

insist upon it, because it is of great importance to them that

they should begin with this liberty and resolution—as to others,

of whom there are many, who make a beginning, but never come to

the end; and that is owing, I believe, in great measure, to their

not having embraced the Cross from the first. They are

distressed, thinking they are doing nothing; the understanding

ceases from its acts, and they cannot bear it. Yet, perhaps, at

that very time, the will is feeding and gathering strength, and

they know it not.

23. We must suppose that our Lord does not regard these things;

for though they seem to us to be faults, yet they are not.

His Majesty knoweth our misery and natural vileness better than

we do ourselves. He knoweth that these souls long to be always

thinking of Him and loving Him. It is this resolution that He

seeks in us; the other anxieties which we inflict upon ourselves

serve to no other end but to disquiet the soul—which, if it be

unable to derive any profit in one hour, will by them be disabled

for four. This comes most frequently from bodily

indisposition—I have had very great experience in the matter,

and I know it is true; for I have carefully observed it and

discussed it afterwards with spiritual persons—for we are so

wretched, that this poor prisoner of a soul shares in the

miseries of the body. The changes of the seasons, and the

alterations of the humours, very often compel it, without fault

of its own, not to do what it would, but rather to suffer in

every way. Meanwhile, the more we force the soul on these

occasions, the greater the mischief, and the longer it lasts.

Some discretion must be used, in order to ascertain whether

ill-health be the occasion or not. The poor soul must not be

stifled. Let those who thus suffer understand that they are ill;

a change should be made in the hour of prayer, and oftentimes

that change should be continued for some days. Let souls pass out

of this desert as they can, for it is very often the misery of

one that loves God to see itself living in such wretchedness,

unable to do what it would, because it has to keep so evil a

guest as the body.

24. I spoke of discretion, because sometimes the devil will do

the same work; and so it is not always right to omit prayer when

the understanding is greatly distracted and disturbed, nor to

torment the soul to the doing of that which is out of its power.

There are other things then to be done—exterior works, as of

charity and spiritual reading—though at times the soul will not

be able to do them. Take care, then, of the body, for the love

of God, because at many other times the body must serve the soul;

and let recourse be had to some recreations—holy ones—such as

conversation, or going out into the fields, as the confessor

shall advise. Altogether, experience is a great matter, and it

makes us understand what is convenient for us. Let God be served

in all things—His yoke is sweet; [7] and it is of great

importance that the soul should not be dragged, as they say, but

carried gently, that it may make greater progress.

25. So, then, I come back to what I advised before [8]—and

though I repeat it often, it matters not; it is of great

importance that no one should distress himself on account of

aridities, or because his thoughts are restless and distracted;

neither should he be afflicted thereat, if he would attain to

liberty of spirit, and not be always in trouble. Let him begin

by not being afraid of the Cross, and he will see how our Lord

will help him to carry it, how joyfully he will advance, and what

profit he will derive from it all. It is now clear, if there is

no water in the well, that we at least can put none into it.

It is true we must not be careless about drawing it when there is

any in it, because at that time it is the will of God to multiply

our virtues by means thereof.

NOTES

1. Ch. x. § 1.

2. Vide St. Bernard, in Cantic. Serm. 30. n. 7, ed. Ben.

3. Ch. xiii. § 23.

4. See ch. xv. § 17.

5. Epist. 22, ad Eustochium: “O quoties ego ipse in eremo

constitutus, et in illa vasta solitudine quæ exusta solis

ardoribus horridum monachis præstat habitaculum putabam me

Romanis interesse deliciis. Sedebam solus. . . Horrebant sacco

membra deformia. . . . Ille igitur ego, qui ob Gehennæ metum tali

me carcere damnaveram, scorpionum tantum socius et ferarum, sæpe

choris intereram puellarum, pallebant ora jejuniis, et mens

desideriis æstuabat in frigido corpore, et ante hominem sua jam

carne præmortuum sola libidinum incendia bulliebant.”

6. St. Matt. xx. 22: “Potestis bibere calicem?”

7. St. Matt. xi. 30: “Jugum enim meum suave est.”

8. § 18.

Chapter XII.

What We Can Ourselves Do. The Evil of Desiring to Attain to

Supernatural States Before Our Lord Calls Us.

1. My aim in the foregoing chapter—though I digressed to many

other matters, because they seemed to me very necessary—was to

explain how much we may attain to of ourselves; and how, in these

beginnings of devotion, we are able in some degree to help

ourselves: because thinking of, and pondering on, the sufferings

of our Lord for our sakes moves us to compassion, and the sorrow

and tears which result therefrom are sweet. The thought of the

blessedness we hope for, of the love our Lord bore us, and of His

resurrection, kindle within us a joy which is neither wholly

spiritual nor wholly