Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

the richer

we see ourselves to be, confessing at the same time our poverty,

the greater will be our progress, and the more real our humility.

5. An opposite course tends to take away all courage; for we

shall think ourselves incapable of great blessings, if we begin

to frighten ourselves with the dread of vain-glory when our Lord

begins to show His mercy upon us. [4] Let us believe that He Who

gives these gifts will also, when the devil begins to tempt us

herein, give us the grace to detect him, and the strength to

resist him—that is, He will do so if we walk in simplicity

before God, aiming at pleasing Him only, and not men. It is a

most evident truth, that our love for a person is greater, the

more distinctly we remember the good he has done us.

6. If, then, it is lawful, and so meritorious, always to remember

that we have our being from God, that He has created us out of

nothing, that He preserves us, and also to remember all the

benefits of His death and Passion, which He suffered long before

He made us for every one of us now alive—why should it not be

lawful for me to discern, confess, and consider often that I was

once accustomed to speak of vanities, and that now our Lord has

given me the grace to speak only of Himself?

7. Here, then, is a precious pearl, which, when we remember that

it is given us, and that we have it in possession, powerfully

invites us to love. All this is the fruit of prayer founded on

humility. What, then, will it be when we shall find ourselves in

possession of other pearls of greater price, such as contempt of

the world and of self, which some servants of God have already

received? It is clear that such souls must consider themselves

greater debtors—under greater obligations to serve Him: we must

acknowledge that we have nothing of ourselves, and confess the

munificence of our Lord, Who, on a soul so wretched and poor, and

so utterly undeserving, as mine is,—for whom the first of these

pearls was enough, and more than enough,—would bestow greater

riches than I could desire.

8. We must renew our strength to serve Him, and strive not to be

ungrateful, because it is on this condition that our Lord

dispenses His treasures; for if we do not make a good use of

them, and of the high estate to which He raises us, He will

return and take them from us, and we shall be poorer than ever.

His Majesty will give the pearls to him who shall bring them

forth and employ them usefully for himself and others. For how

shall he be useful, and how shall he spend liberally, who does

not know that he is rich? It is not possible, I think, our

nature being what it is, that he can have the courage necessary

for great things who does not know that God is on his side; for

so miserable are we, so inclined to the things of this world,

that he can hardly have any real abhorrence of, with great

detachment from, all earthly things who does not see that he

holds some pledges for those things that are above. It is by

these gifts that our Lord gives us that strength which we through

our sins have lost.

9. A man will hardly wish to be held in contempt and abhorrence,

nor will he seek after the other great virtues to which the

perfect attain, if he has not some pledges of the love which God

bears him, together with a living faith. Our nature is so dead,

that we go after that which we see immediately before us; and it

is these graces, therefore, that quicken and strengthen our

faith. It may well be that I, who am so wicked, measure others

by myself, and that others require nothing more than the verities

of the faith, in order to render their works most perfect; while

I, wretched that I am! have need of everything.

10. Others will explain this. I speak from my own experience, as

I have been commanded; and if what I say be not correct, let

him [5] to whom I send it destroy it; for he knows better than I

do what is wrong in it. I entreat him, for the love of our Lord,

to publish abroad what I have thus far said of my wretched life,

and of my sins. I give him leave to do so; and to all my

confessors, also,—of whom he is one—to whom this is to be sent,

if it be their pleasure, even during my life, so that I may no

longer deceive people who think there must be some good in

me. [6] Certainly, I speak in all sincerity, so far as I

understand myself. Such publication will give me great comfort.

11. But as to that which I am now going to say, I give no such

leave; nor, if it be shown to any one, do I consent to its being

said who the person is whose experience it describes, nor who

wrote it. This is why I mention neither my own name, nor that of

any other person whatever. I have written it in the best way I

could, in order not to be known; and this I beg of them for the

love of God. Persons so learned and grave as they are [7] have

authority enough to approve of whatever right things I may say,

should our Lord give me the grace to do so; and if I should say

anything of the kind, it will be His, and not mine—because I am

neither learned nor of good life, and I have no person of

learning or any other to teach me; for they only who ordered me

to write know that I am writing, and at this moment they are not

here. I have, as it were, to steal the time, and that with

difficulty, because my writing hinders me from spinning. I am

living in a house that is poor, and have many things to do. [8]

If, indeed, our Lord had given me greater abilities and a better

memory, I might then profit by what I have seen and read; but my

abilities are very slight. If, then, I should say anything that

is right, our Lord will have it said for some good purpose; that

which may be wrong will be mine, and your reverence will strike

it out.

12. In neither case will it be of any use to publish my name:

during my life, it is clear that no good I may have done ought to

be told; after death, there is no reason against it, except that

it will lose all authority and credit, because related of a

person so vile and so wicked as I am. And because I think your

reverence and the others who may see this writing will do this

that I ask of you, for the love of our Lord, I write with

freedom. If it were not so, I should have great scruples, except

in declaring my sins: and in that matter I should have none at

all. For the rest, it is enough that I am a woman to make my

sails droop: how much more, then, when I am a woman, and a

wicked one?

13. So, then, everything here beyond the simple story of my life

your reverence must take upon yourself—since you have so pressed

me to give some account of the graces which our Lord bestowed

upon me in prayer—if it he consistent with the truths of our

holy Catholic faith; if it be not, your reverence must burn it at

once—for I give my consent. I will recount my experience, in

order that, if it be consistent with those truths, your reverence

may make some use of it; if not, you will deliver my soul from

delusion, so that Satan may gain nothing there where I seemed to

be gaining myself. Our Lord knows well that I, as I shall show

hereafter, [9] have always laboured to find out those who could

give me light.

14. How clear soever I may wish to make my account of that which

relates to prayer, it will be obscure enough for those who are

without experience. I shall speak of certain hindrances, which,

as I understand it, keep men from advancing on this road—and of

other things which are dangerous, as our Lord has taught me by

experience. I have also discussed the matter with men of great

learning, with persons who for many years had lived spiritual

lives, who admit that, in the twenty-seven years only during

which I have given myself to prayer—though I walked so ill, and

stumbled so often on the road—His Majesty granted me that

experience which others attain to in seven-and-thirty, or

seven-and-forty, years; and they, too, being persons who ever

advanced in the way of penance and of virtue.

15. Blessed be God for all, and may His infinite Majesty make use

of me! Our Lord knoweth well that I have no other end in this

than that He may be praised and magnified a little, when men

shall see that on a dunghill so foul and rank He has made a

garden of flowers so sweet. May it please His Majesty that I may

not by my own fault root them out, and become again what I was

before. And I entreat your reverence, for the love of our Lord,

to beg this of Him for me, seeing that you have a clearer

knowledge of what I am than you have allowed me to give of

myself here.

1. The Saint interrupts her history here to enter on the

difficult questions of mystical theology, and resumes it in

ch. xxiii.

2. Ch. ix. § 4.

3. Ch. xxx. §§ 10 and 11.

4. See ch. xiii. § 5.

5. F. Pedro Ybañez, of the Order of St. Dominic.

6. See ch. xxxi. § 17.

7. See ch. xv. § 12.

8. See ch. xiv. § 12.

9. See ch. xxiv. § 5.

Chapter XI.

Why Men Do Not Attain Quickly to the Perfect Love of God.

Of Four Degrees of Prayer. Of the First Degree. The Doctrine

Profitable for Beginners, and for Those Who Have No

Sensible Sweetness.

1. I speak now of those who begin to be the servants of love;

that seems to me to be nothing else but to resolve to follow Him

in the way of prayer, who has loved us so much. It is a dignity

so great, that I have a strange joy in thinking of it; for

servile fear vanishes at once, if we are, as we ought to be, in

the first degree. O Lord of my soul, and my good, how is it

that, when a soul is determined to love Thee—doing all it can,

by forsaking all things, in order that it may the better occupy

itself with the love of God—it is not Thy will it should have

the joy of ascending at once to the possession of perfect love?

I have spoken amiss; I ought to have said, and my complaint

should have been, why is it we do not? for the fault is wholly

our own that we do not rejoice at once in a dignity so great,

seeing that the attaining to the perfect possession of this true

love brings all blessings with it.

2. We think so much of ourselves, and are so dilatory in giving

ourselves wholly