Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

I am astonished at

the great things done on this road by encouraging oneself to

undertake great things, though we may not have the strength for

them at once; the soul takes a flight upwards and ascends high,

though, like a little bird whose wings are weak, it grows weary

and rests.

4. At one time I used often to think of those words of St. Paul:

“That all things are possible in God.” [2] I saw clearly that of

myself I could do nothing. This was of great service to me.

So also was the saying of St. Augustine: “Give me, O Lord, what

Thou commandest, and command what Thou wilt.” [3] I was often

thinking how St. Peter lost nothing by throwing himself into the

sea, though he was afterwards afraid. [4] These first

resolutions are a great matter—although it is necessary in the

beginning that we should be very reserved, controlled by the

discretion and authority of a director; but we must take care

that he be one who does not teach us to crawl like toads, nor one

who may be satisfied when the soul shows itself fit only to catch

lizards. Humility must always go before: so that we may know

that this strength can come out of no strength of our own.

5. But it is necessary we should understand what manner of

humility this should be, because Satan, I believe, does great

harm; for he hinders those who begin to pray from going onwards,

by suggesting to them false notions of humility. He makes them

think it is pride to have large desires, to wish to imitate the

Saints, and to long for martyrdom. He tells us forthwith, or he

makes us think, that the actions of the Saints are to be admired,

not to be imitated, by us who are sinners. I, too, say the same

thing; but we must see what those actions are which we are to

admire, and what those are which we are to imitate; for it would

be wrong in a person who is weak and sickly to undertake much

fasting and sharp penances to retire into the desert, where he

could not sleep, nor find anything to eat; or, indeed, to

undertake any austerities of this kind.

6. But we ought to think that we can force ourselves, by the

grace of God, to hold the world in profound contempt—to make

light of honour, and be detached from our possessions.

Our hearts, however, are so mean that we think the earth would

fail us under our feet, if we were to cease to care even for a

moment for the body, and give ourselves up to spirituality.

Then we think that to have all we require contributes to

recollection, because anxieties disturb prayer. It is painful to

me that our confidence in God is so scanty, and our self-love so

strong, as that any anxiety about our own necessities should

disturb us. But so it is; for when our spiritual progress is so

slight, a mere nothing will give us as much trouble as great and

important matters will give to others. And we think

ourselves spiritual!

7. Now, to me, this way of going on seems to betray a disposition

to reconcile soul and body together, in order that we may not

miss our ease in this world, and yet have the fruition of God in

the next; and so it will be if we walk according to justice,

clinging to virtue; but it is the pace of a hen—it will never

bring us to liberty of spirit. It is a course of proceeding, as

it seems to me, most excellent for those who are in the married

state, and who must live according to their vocation; but for the

other state, I by no means wish for such a method of progress,

neither can I be made to believe it to be sound; for I have tried

it, and I should have remained in that way, if our Lord in His

goodness had not taught me another and a shorter road.

8. Though, in the matter of desires, I always had generous ones;

but I laboured, as I said before, [5] to make my prayer, and, at

the same time, to live at my ease. If there had been any one to

rouse me to a higher flight, he might have brought me, so I

think, to a state in which these desires might have had their

effects; but, for our sins, so few and so rare are they whose

discretion in that matter is not excessive. That, I believe, is

reason enough why those who begin do not attain more quickly to

great perfection; for our Lord never fails us, and it is not His

fault; the fault and the wretchedness of this being all our own.

9. We may also imitate the Saints by striving after solitude and

silence, and many other virtues that will not kill these wretched

bodies of ours, which insist on being treated so orderly, that

they may disorder the soul; and Satan, too, helps much to make

them unmanageable. When he sees us a little anxious about them,

he wants nothing more to convince us that our way of life must

kill us, and destroy our health; even if we weep, he makes us

afraid of blindness. I have passed through this, and therefore I

know it; but I know of no better sight or better health that we

can desire, than the loss of both in such a cause. Being myself

so sickly, I was always under constraint, and good for nothing,

till I resolved to make no account of my body nor of my health;

even now I am worthless enough.

10. But when it pleased God to let me find out this device of

Satan, I used to say to the latter, when he suggested to me that

I was ruining my health, that my death was of no consequence;

when he suggested rest, I replied that I did not want rest, but

the Cross. His other suggestions I treated in the same way.

I saw clearly that in most things, though I was really very

sickly, it was either a temptation of Satan, or a weakness on my

part. My health has been much better since I have ceased to look

after my ease and comforts. It is of great importance not to let

our own thoughts frighten us in the beginning, when we set

ourselves to pray. Believe me in this, for I know it by

experience. As a warning to others, it may be that this story of

my failures may be useful.

11. There is another temptation, which is very common: when

people begin to have pleasure in the rest and the fruit of

prayer, they will have everybody else be very spiritual also.

Now, to desire this is not wrong, but to try to bring it about

may not be right, except with great discretion and with much

reserve, without any appearance of teaching. He who would do any

good in this matter ought to be endowed with solid virtues, that

he may not put temptation in the way of others. It happened to

me—that is how I know it—when, as I said before, [6] I made

others apply themselves to prayer, to be a source of temptation

and disorder; for, on the one hand, they heard me say great

things of the blessedness of prayer, and, on the other, saw how

poor I was in virtue, notwithstanding my prayer. They had good

reasons on their side, and afterwards they told me of it; for

they knew not how these things could be compatible one with the

other. This it was that made them not to regard that as evil

which was really so in itself, namely, that they saw me do it

myself, now and then, during the time that they thought well of

me in some measure.

12. This is Satan’s work: he seems to take advantage of the

virtues we may have, for the purpose of giving a sanction, so far

as he can, to the evil he aims at; how slight soever that evil

may be, his gain must be great, if it prevail in a religious

house. How much, then, must his gain have been, when the evil I

did was so very great! And thus, during many years, only three

persons were the better for what I said to them; but now that our

Lord has made me stronger in virtue, in the course of two or

three years many persons have profited, as I shall

show hereafter. [7]

13. There is another great inconvenience in addition to this: the

loss to our own soul; for the utmost we have to do in the

beginning is to take care of our own soul only, and consider that

in the whole world there is only God and our soul. This is a

point of great importance.

14. There is another temptation—we ought to be aware of it, and

be cautious in our conduct: persons are carried away by a zeal

for virtue, through the pain which the sight of the sins and

failings of others occasions them. Satan tells them that this

pain arises only out of their desire that God may not be

offended, and out of their anxiety about His honour; so they

immediately seek to remedy the evil. This so disturbs them, that

they cannot pray. The greatest evil of all is their thinking

this an act of virtue, of perfection, and of a great zeal for

God. I am not speaking of the pain which public sins occasion,

if they be habitual in any community, nor of wrongs done to the

Church, nor of heresies by which so many souls are visibly lost;

for this pain is most wholesome, and being wholesome is no source

of disquiet. The security, therefore, of that soul which would

apply itself to prayer lies in casting away from itself all

anxiety about persons and things, in taking care of itself, and

in pleasing God. This is the most profitable course.

15. If I were to speak of the mistakes which I have seen people

make, in reliance on their own good intentions, I should never

come to an end. Let us labour, therefore, always to consider the

virtues and the good qualities which we discern in others, and

with our own great sins cover our eyes, so that we may see none

of their failings. This is one way of doing our work; and though

we may not be perfect in it at once, we shall acquire one great

virtue—we shall look upon all men as better than ourselves; and

we begin to acquire that virtue in this way, by the grace of God,

which is necessary in all things—for when we have it not, all

our endeavours are in vain—and by imploring Him to give us this

virtue; for He never fails us, if we do what we can.

16. This advice, also, they must take into their consideration

who make much use of their understanding, eliciting from one

subject many thoughts and conceptions. As to those who, like

myself, cannot do it, I have no advice to give, except that they

are to have patience, until our Lord shall send them both matter

and light; for they can do so little of themselves, that their

understanding is a hindrance to them rather than a help.

17. To those, then, who can make use of their understanding, I

say that they are not to spend the whole time in that way; for

though it be most meritorious,