Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

God,—and I rose up in order to go and speak to him.

But as I was then recollected in prayer, it seemed to me a waste

of time—for what had I to do in that matter?—and so I returned

to my place. Three times, I think I did this, and at last my

good angel prevailed over the evil one, and I went and asked for

him; and he came to speak to me in one of the confessionals.

We began by asking one another of our past lives, for we had not

seen one another for many years. I told him that my life had

been one in which my soul had had many trials. He insisted much

on my telling him what those trials were. I said that they were

not to be told, and that I was not to tell them. He replied that

the Dominican father, [3] of whom I have spoken, knew them, and

that, as they were great friends, he could learn them from him,

and so I had better tell them without hesitation.

9. The fact is, that it was not in his power not to insist, nor

in mine, I believe, to refuse to speak; for notwithstanding all

the trouble and shame I used to feel formerly, I spoke of my

state, to him, and to the rector whom I have referred to

before, [4] without any difficulty whatever; on the contrary, it

was a great consolation to me; and so I told him all in

confession. He seemed to me then more prudent than ever; though

I had always looked upon him as a man of great understanding.

I considered what high gifts and endowments for great services he

had, if he gave himself wholly unto God. I had this feeling now

for many years, so that I never saw any one who pleased me much

without wishing at once he were given wholly unto God; and

sometimes I feel this so keenly, that I can hardly contain

myself. Though I long to see everybody serve God, yet my desire

about those who please me is very vehement, and so I importune

our Lord on their behalf.

10. So it happened with respect to this religious. He asked me

to pray much for him to God. There was no necessity for his

doing so, because I could not do anything else, and so I went

back to my place where I was in the habit of praying alone, and

began to pray to our Lord, being extremely recollected, in that

my simple, silly way, when I speak without knowing very often

what I am saying. It is love that speaks, and my soul is so

beside itself, that I do not regard the distance between it and

God. That love which I know His Majesty has for it makes it

forget itself, and think itself to be one with Him; and so, as

being one with Him, and not divided from Him, the soul speaks

foolishly. When I had prayed with many tears that the soul of

this religious might serve Him truly,—for, though I considered

it good, it was not enough for me; I would have it much

better,—I remember I said, “O Lord, Thou must not refuse me this

grace; behold him,—he is a fit person to be our friend.”

11. Oh, the great goodness and compassion of God! How He regards

not the words, but the desire and the will with which they are

spoken! How He suffered such a one as I am to speak so boldly

before His Majesty! May He be blessed for evermore!

12. I remember that during those hours of prayer on that very

night I was extremely distressed by the thought whether I was in

the grace of God, and that I could never know whether I was so or

not,—not that I wished to know it; I wished, however, to die, in

order that I might not live a life in which I was not sure that I

was not dead in sin, for there could be no death more dreadful

for me than to think that I had sinned against God. I was in

great straits at this thought. I implored Him not to suffer me

to fall into sin, with great sweetness, dissolved in tears.

Then I heard that I might console myself, and trust [5] that I

was in a state of grace, because a love of God like mine,

together with the graces and feelings with which His Majesty

filled my soul, was of such a nature as to be inconsistent with a

state of mortal sin.

13. I was now confident that our Lord would grant my prayer as to

that religious. He bade me repeat certain words to him. This I

felt much, because I knew not how to speak to him; for this

carrying messages to a third person, as I have said, [6] is what

I have always felt the most, especially when I did not know how

that person would take them, nor whether he would not laugh at

me. This placed me in great difficulties, but at last I was so

convinced I ought to do it, that I believe I made a promise to

God I would not neglect that message; and because of the great

shame I felt, I wrote it out, and gave it in that way.

The result showed clearly enough that it was a message from God,

for that religious resolved with great earnestness to give

himself to prayer, though he did not do so at once. Our Lord

would have him for Himself, so He sent me to tell him certain

truths which, without my understanding them, were so much to the

purpose that he was astonished. Our Lord must have prepared him

to receive them as from His Majesty; and though I am but a

miserable sinner myself, yet I made many supplications to our

Lord to convert him thoroughly, and to make him hate the

pleasures and the things of this life. And so he did—blessed be

God!—for every time that he spoke to me I was in a manner beside

myself; and if I had not seen it, I should never have believed

that our Lord would have given him in so short a time graces so

matured, and filled him so full of God, that he seemed to be

alive to nothing on earth.

14. May His Majesty hold him in His hand! If he will go on—and

I trust in our Lord he will do so, now that he is so well

grounded in the knowledge of himself—he will be one of the most

distinguished servants of God, to the great profit of many souls,

because he has in a short time had great experience in spiritual

things: that is a gift of God, which He gives when He will and as

He will, and it depends not on length of time nor extent of

service. I do not mean that time and service, are not great

helps, but very often our Lord will not give to some in twenty

years the grace of contemplation, while He gives it to others in

one,—His Majesty knoweth why. We are under a delusion when we

think that in the course of years we shall come to the knowledge

of that which we can in no way attain to but by experience; and

thus many are in error, as I have said [7] when they would

understand spirituality without being spiritual themselves. I do

not mean that a man who is not spiritual, if he is learned, may

not direct one that is spiritual; but it must be understood that

in outward and inward things, in the order of nature, the

direction must be an act of reason; and in supernatural things,

according to the teaching of the sacred writings. In other

matters, let him not distress himself, nor think that he can

understand that which he understandeth not; neither let him

quench the Spirit; [8] for now another Master, greater than he,

is directing these souls, so that they are not left without

authority over them.

15. He must not be astonished at this, nor think it impossible:

all things are possible to our Lord; [9] he must strive rather to

strengthen his faith, and humble himself, because in this matter

our Lord imparts perhaps a deeper knowledge to some old woman

than to him, though he may be a very learned man. Being thus

humble, he will profit souls and himself more than if he affected

to be a contemplative without being so; for, I repeat it, if he

have no experience, if he have not a most profound humility,

whereby he may see that he does not understand, and that the

thing is not for that reason impossible, he will do himself but

little good, and still less to his penitent. But if he is

humble, let him have no fear that our Lord will allow either the

one or the other to fall into delusion.

16. Now as to this father I am speaking of, as our Lord has given

him light in many things, so has he laboured to find out by study

that which in this matter can be by study ascertained; for he is

a very learned man, and that of which he has no experience

himself he seeks to find out from those who have it,—and our

Lord helps him by increasing his faith, and so he has greatly

benefited himself and some other souls, of whom mine is one.

As our Lord knew the trials I had to undergo, His Majesty seems

to have provided that, when He took away unto Himself some of

those who directed me, others might remain, who helped me in my

great afflictions, and rendered me great services.

17. Our Lord wrought a complete change in this father, so much so

that he scarcely knew himself, so to speak. He has given him

bodily health, so that he may do penance, such as he never had

before; for he was sickly. He has given him courage to undertake

good works, with other gifts, so that he seems to have received a

most special vocation from our Lord. May He be blessed for ever!

18. All these blessings, I believe, came to him through the

graces our Lord bestowed upon him in prayer; for they are real.

It has been our Lord’s pleasure already to try him in certain

difficulties, out of which he has come forth like one who knows

the true worth of that merit which is gained by suffering

persecutions. I trust in the munificence of our Lord that great

good will, by his means, accrue to some of his Order and to the

Order itself. This is beginning to be understood. I have had

great visions on the subject, and our Lord has told me wonderful

things of him and of the Rector of the Society of Jesus, whom I

am speaking of, [10] and also of two other religious of the Order

of St. Dominic, particularly of one who, to his own profit, has

actually learned of our Lord certain things which I had formerly

understood of him. But there were greater things made known of

him to whom I am now referring: one of them I will now relate.

19. I was with him once in the parlour, when in my soul and

spirit I felt what great love burned within him, and became as it

were lost in ecstasy by considering the greatness of God, who had

raised that soul in so short a