Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

far as I can see; for,

as I have been in this state for so many years, I have been able

to observe, so that I can say so with this confidence. The truth

is,—and you, my father, should attend to this,—that, as to the

Person who always speaks, I can certainly say which of Them He

seems to me to be; of the others I cannot say so much. One of

Them I know well has never spoken. I never knew why, nor do I

busy myself in asking more of God than He is pleased to give,

because in that case, I believe, I should be deluded by Satan, at

once; nor will I ask now, because of the fear I am in.

21. I think the First spoke to me at times; but as I do not

remember that very well now, nor what it was that He spoke, I

will not venture to say so. It is all written,—you, my father,

know where,—and more at large than it is here; I know not

whether in the same words or not. [10] Though the Persons are

distinct in a strange way, the soul knows One only God. I do not

remember that our Lord ever seemed to speak to me but in His

Human Nature; and—I say it again—I can assure you that this is

no imagination.

22. What, my father, you say about the water, I know not; nor

have I heard where the earthly paradise is. I have already said

that I cannot but listen to what our Lord tells me; I hear it

because I cannot help myself; but, as for asking His Majesty to

reveal anything to me, that is what I have never done. In that

case, I should immediately think I was imagining things, and that

I must be in a delusion of Satan. God be praised, I have never

been curious about things, and I do not care to know more than I

do. [11] What I have learnt, without seeking to learn, as I have

just said, has been a great trouble to me, though it has been the

means, I believe, which our Lord made use of to save me, seeing

that I was so wicked; good people do not need so much to make

them serve His Majesty.

23. I remember another way of prayer which I had before the one I

mentioned first,—namely, a presence of God, which is not a

vision at all. It seems that any one, if he recommends himself

to His Majesty, even if he only prays vocally, finds Him; every

one, at all times, can do this, if we except seasons of aridity.

May He grant I may not by my own fault lose mercies so great, and

may He have compassion on me!

1. Inner Fortress, iv. ch. iii.

2. See Life, ch. xvii. § 5.

3. Compare Life, ch. xxiv. § 4.

4. See Life, ch. xx. § 23.

5. “Arrobamiento y arrebatamiento.”

6. See Life, chs. xx. and xxi.

7. Life, ch. xx. § 16; Inner Fortress, vi. c. xi.

8. See Life, ch. xxix. § 17.

9. See Life, ch. xvii. § 9.

10. See Relation, iii. § 6.

11. See St. John of the Cross, Ascent of Mount Carmel,

bk. ii. ch. xxii.

Relation IX.

Of Certain Spiritual Graces She Received in Toledo and Avila in

the Years 1576 and 1577.

1. I had begun to go to confession to a certain person [1] in the

city wherein I am at present staying, when he, though he had much

good will towards me, and always has had since he took upon

himself the charge of my soul, ceased to come here; and one

night, when I was in prayer, and thinking how he failed me, I

understood that God kept him from coming because it was expedient

for me to treat of the affairs of my soul with a certain person

on the spot. [2] I was distressed because I had to form new

relations—it might be he would not understand me, and would

disturb me—and because I had a great affection for him who did

me this charity, though I was always spiritually content when I

saw or heard the latter preach; also, I thought it would not do

because of his many occupations. Our Lord said to me: “I will

cause him to hear and understand thee. Make thyself known unto

him; it will be some relief to thee in thy troubles.” The latter

part was addressed to me, I think, because I was then so worn out

by the absence of God. His Majesty also said that He saw very

well the trouble I was in; but it could not be otherwise while I

lived in this land of exile: all was for my good; and he

comforted me greatly. So it has been: he comforts me, and seeks

opportunities to do so; he has understood me, and given me great

relief; he is a most learned and holy man.

2. One day,—it was the Feast of the Presentation,—I was praying

earnestly to God for a certain person, and thinking that after

all the possession of property and of freedom was unfitting for

that high sanctity which I wished him to attain to; I reflected

on his weak health, and on the spiritual health which he

communicated to souls; and I heard these words: “He serves Me

greatly; but the great thing is to follow Me stripped of

everything, as I was on the cross. Tell him to trust in Me.”

These last words were said because I thought he could not, with

his weak health, attain to such perfection.

3. Once, when I was thinking of the pain it was to me to eat meat

and do no penance, I understood that there was at times more of

self-love in that feeling than of a desire for penance.

4. Once, when I was in great distress because of my offences

against God, He said to me: “All thy sins in My sight are as if

they were not. For the future, be strong; for thy troubles are

not over.”

5. One day, in prayer, I felt my soul in God in such a way that

it seemed to me as if the world did not exist, I was so absorbed

in Him. He made me then understand that verse of the Magnificat,

“Et exultavit spiritus meus,” so that I can never forget it.

6. Once, when I was thinking how people sought to destroy this

monastery of the Barefooted Carmelites, and that they purposed,

perhaps, to bring about the destruction of them all by degrees, I

heard: “They do purpose it; nevertheless, they will never see it

done, but very much the reverse.”

7. Once, in deep recollection, I was praying to God for

Eliseus; [3] I heard this: “He is My true son; I will never fail

him,” or to that effect; but I am not sure of the latter words.

8. Having one day conversed with a person who had given up much

for God, and calling to mind that I had given up nothing for Him,

and had never served Him in anything, as I was bound to do, and

then considering the many graces He had wrought in my soul, I

began to be exceedingly weary; and our Lord said to me: “Thou

knowest of the betrothal between thee and Myself, and therefore

all I have is thine; and so I give thee all the labours and

sorrows I endured, and thou canst therefore ask of My Father as

if they were thine.” Though I have heard that we are partakers

therein, [4] now it was in a way so different that it seemed as

if I had become possessed of a great principality; for the

affection with which He wrought this grace cannot be described.

The Father seemed to ratify the gift; and from that time forth I

look at our Lord’s Passion in a very different light, as on

something that belongs to me; and that gives me

great comfort. [5]

9. On the Feast of the Magdalene, when thinking of the great love

I am bound to have for our Lord, according to the words He spoke

to, me in reference to this Saint, and having great desires to

imitate her, our Lord was very gracious unto me, and said, I was

to be henceforward strong; for I had to serve Him more than I had

hitherto done. [6] He filled me with a desire not to die so

soon, that I might have the time to occupy myself therein; and I

remained with a great resolution to suffer.

10. On one occasion, I understood how our Lord was in all things,

and how He was in the soul; and the illustration of a sponge

filled with water was suggested to me.

11. When my brothers came,—and I owe so much to one of

them, [7]—I remained in conversation with him concerning his

soul and his affairs, which wearied and distressed me; and as I

was offering this up to our Lord, and thinking that I did it all

because I was under obligations to him, I remembered that by our

Constitutions [8] we are commanded to separate ourselves from our

kindred, and I was set thinking whether I was under any

obligation, our Lord said to me: “No, My daughter; the

regulations of the Order must be only in conformity with My law.”

The truth is, that the end of the Constitutions is, that we are

not to be attached to our kindred; and to converse with them, as

it seems to me, is rather wearisome, and it is painful to have

anything to do with them.

12. After Communion, on St. Augustine’s Day, I understood, and,

as it were, saw,—I cannot tell how, unless it was by an

intellectual vision which passed rapidly away,—how the Three

Persons of the most Holy Trinity, whom I have always imprinted in

my soul, are One. This was revealed in a representation so

strange, and in a light so clear, that the impression made upon

me was very different from that which I have by faith. From that

time forth I have never been able to think of One of the Three

Divine Persons without thinking of the Three; so that to-day,

when I was considering how, the Three being One, the Son alone

took our flesh upon Him, our Lord showed me how, though They are

One, They are also distinct. These are marvels which make the

soul desire anew to be rid of the hindrances which the body

interposes between it and the fruition of them. Though this

passes away in a moment, there remains a gain to the soul

incomparably greater than any it might have made by meditation

during many years; and all without knowing how it happens.

13. I have a special joy on the Feast of our Lady’s Nativity.

When this day was come, I thought it would be well to renew our

vows; and thereupon I saw our Lady, by an illuminative vision;

and it seemed as if we made them before her and that they were

pleasing unto her. I had this vision constantly for some days,

and our Lady was by me on my left hand. One day, after

Communion, it seemed to me that my soul was really one with the

most Holy Body of our Lord, then present before me; and that

wrought a great work and blessing in me.

14. I was once thinking whether I was to be sent to reform a

certain monastery; [9] and, distressed at it, I heard: “What