Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

have a conference with him for her greater security,

and told him everything. He replied, that there was nothing in

all this that concerned his office, because everything that she

saw and heard confirmed her the more in the Catholic faith, in

which she always was, and is, firm, with most earnest desires for

the honour of God and the good of souls, willing to suffer death

many times for one of them.

9. He told her, when he saw how distressed she was, to give an

account of it all, and of her whole life, without omitting

anything, to the Master Avila, who was a man of great learning in

the way of prayer, and to rest content with the answer he should

give. She did so, and described her sins and her life. He wrote

to her and comforted her, giving her great security. The account

I gave was such that all those learned men who saw it—they were

my confessors—said that it was very profitable for instruction

in spiritual things; and they commanded her to make copies of it,

and write another little book [6] for her daughters,—she was

prioress,—wherein she might give them some instructions.

10. Notwithstanding all this, she was not without fears at times,

for she thought that spiritual men also might be deceived like

herself. She told her confessor that he might discuss these

things with certain learned men, though they were not much given

to prayer, for she had no other desire but that of knowing

whether what she experienced was in conformity with the sacred

writings or not. Now and then she took comfort in thinking

that—though she herself, because of her sins, deserved to fall

into delusions—our Lord would not suffer so many good men,

anxious to give her light, to be led into error.

11. Having this in view, she began to communicate with fathers of

the Order of the glorious St. Dominic, to which, before these

things took place, she had been to confession—she does not say

to them, but to the Order. [7] These are they with whom she

afterwards had relations. The Father Fra Vicente Barron, at that

time Consultor of the Holy Office, heard her confessions for

eighteen months in Toledo, and he had done so very many years

before these things began. He was a very learned man.

He reassured her greatly, as did also the fathers of the Society

spoken of before. All used to say, If she does not sin against

God, and acknowledges her own misery, what has she to be afraid

of? She confessed to the Father Fra Pedro Ibañez, who was reader

in Avila; to the Father-Master Fra Dominic Bañes, who is now in

Valladolid as rector of the college of St. Gregory, I confessed

for six years, and whenever I had occasion to do so communicated

with him by letter; also to the Master Chaves; to the

Father-Master Fra Bartholomew of Medina, professor in Salamanca,

of whom she knew that he thought ill of her; for she, having

heard this, thought that he, better than any other, could tell

her if she was deceived, because he had so little confidence in

her. This was more than two years ago. She contrived to go to

confession to him, and gave him a full account of everything

while she remained there; and he saw what she had written, [8]

for the purpose of attaining to a better understanding of the

matter. He reassured her so much, and more than all the rest,

and remained her very good friend.

12. She went to confession also to Fra Philip de Meneses, when

she founded the monastery of Valladolid, for he was rector of the

college of St. Gregory. He, having before that heard of her

state, had gone to Avila, that he might speak to her,—it was an

act of great charity,—being desirous of ascertaining whether she

was deluded, so that he might enlighten her, and, if she was not,

defend her when he heard her spoken against; and he was

much satisfied.

13. She also conferred particularly with Salinas, Dominican

Provincial, a man of great spirituality; with another licentiate

named Lunar, who was prior of St. Thomas of Avila; and, in

Segovia, with a reader, Fra Diego de Yangües.

14. Of these Dominicans some never failed to give themselves

greatly to prayer, and perhaps all did. Some others also she

consulted; for in so many years, and because of the fear she was

in, she had opportunities of doing so, especially as she went

about founding monasteries in so many places. Her spirit was

tried enough, for everybody wished to be able to enlighten her,

and thereby reassured her and themselves. She always, at all

times, wished to submit herself to whatever they enjoined her,

and she was therefore distressed when, as to these spiritual

things, she could not obey them. Both her own prayer, and that

of the nuns she has established, are always carefully directed

towards the propagation of the faith; and it was for that

purpose, and for the good of her Order, that she began her

first monastery.

15. She used to say that, if any of these things tended to lead

her against the Catholic faith and the law of God, she would not

need to seek for learned men nor tests, because she would see at

once that they came from Satan. She never undertook anything

merely because it came to her in prayer; on the contrary, when

her confessors bade her do the reverse, she did so without being

in the least troubled thereat, and she always told them

everything. For all that they told her that these things came

from God, she never so thoroughly believed them that she could

swear to it herself, though it did seem to her that they were

spiritually safe, because of the effects thereof, and of the

great graces which she at times received; but she always desired

virtues more than anything else; and this it is that she has

charged her nuns to desire, saying to them that the most humble

and mortified will be the most spiritual.

16. All that is told and written she communicated to the

Father-Master Fra Dominic Bañes, who is now in Valladolid, and

who is the person with whom she has had, and has still, the most

frequent communications. He sent her writings to the Holy Office

in Madrid, so it is said. In all this she submits herself to the

Catholic faith and the Roman Church. Nobody has found fault with

them, because these things are not in the power of any man, and

our Lord does not require what is impossible.

17. The reason why so much is known about her is that, as she was

in fear about herself, and described her state to so many, these

talked to one another on the subject and also the accident that

happened to what she had written. [9] This has been to her a

very grievous torment and cross, and has cost her many tears.

She says that this distress is not the effect of humility, but of

the causes already mentioned. Our Lord seems to have given

permission [10] for this torture for if one spoke more harshly of

her than others, by little and little he spoke more kindly

of her.

18. She took the greatest pains not to submit the state of her

soul to any one who she thought would believe that these things

came from God, for she was instantly afraid that the devil would

deceive them both. If she saw any one timid about these things,

to him she laid bare her secrets with the greater joy; though

also it gave her pain when, for the purpose of trying her, these

things were treated with contempt, for she thought some were

really from God, and she would not have people, even if they had

good cause, condemn them so absolutely; neither would she have

them believe that all were from God; and because she knew

perfectly well that delusion was possible, therefore it was that

she never thought herself altogether safe in a matter wherein

there might be danger.

19. She used to strive with all her might never in any way to

offend God, and was always obedient; and by these means she

thought she might obtain her deliverance, by the help of God,

even if Satan were the cause.

20. Ever since she became subject to these supernatural

visitations, her spirit is always inclined to seek after that

which is most perfect, and she had almost always a great desire

to suffer; and in the persecutions she underwent, and they were

many, she was comforted, and had a particular affection for her

persecutors. She had a great desire to be poor and lonely, and

to depart out of this land of exile in order to see God.

Through these effects, and others like them, she began to find

peace, thinking that a spirit which could leave her with these

virtues could not be an evil one, and they who had the charge of

her soul said so; but it was a peace that came from diminished

weariness, not from the cessation of fear.

21. The spirit she is of never urged her to make any of these

things known, but to be always obedient. [11] As it has been

said already, [12] she never saw anything with her bodily eyes,

but in a way so subtile and so intellectual that at first she

sometimes thought that all was the effect of imagination; at

other times she could not think so. These things were not

continual, but occurred for the most part when she was in some

trouble: as on one occasion, when for some days she had to bear

unendurable interior pains, and a restlessness of soul arising

out of the fear that she was deluded by Satan, as it is described

at length in the account she has given of it, [13] and where her

sins, for they have been so public, are mentioned with the rest:

for the fear she was in made her forget her own good name.

22. Being thus in distress such as cannot be described, at the

mere hearing interiorly these words, [14] “It is I, be not

afraid,” her soul became so calm, courageous, and confident, that

she could not understand whence so great a blessing had come; for

her confessor had not been able—and many learned men, with many

words, had not been able—to give her that peace and rest which

this one word had given her. And thus, at other times, some

vision gave her strength, for without that she could not have

borne such great trials and contradictions, together with

infirmities without number, and which she still has to bear,

though they are not so many,—for she is never free from some

suffering or other, more or less intense. Her ordinary state is

constant pain, with many other infirmities, though since she

became a nun they are more troublesome, if she is doing anything

in the service of our Lord. And the mercies He shows her pass

quickly out of memory, though she often dwells on those

mercies,—but she is not able to dwell so long upon these as upon

her sins; these are always a torment to her, most commonly as

filth smelling foully.

23. That her sins are so many, and her service of God so scanty,

must be the reason why she is not tempted to vainglory.

There never was anything in any of these spiritual visitations

that was not wholly pure and clean, nor does she think it can be

otherwise if the spirit be good and the visitations supernatural,