Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

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turn for a long time, and to whom I owed much; that one for whom

I have a great affection especially caused a terrible resistance.

Nevertheless, not being able to persuade myself that the vision

was a delusion, because it had a great power and influence over

me, and also because it was said to me on two other occasions

that I was not to be afraid, that He wished this,—the words were

different,—I made up my mind at last to act upon them,

understanding it to be our Lord’s will, and to follow that

counsel so long as I should live. I had never before so acted

with any one, though I had consulted many persons of great

learning and holiness, and who watched over my soul with great

care,—but neither had I received any such direction as that I

should make no change; for as to my confessors, of some I

understood that they would be profitable to me, and so also

of these.

2. When I had resolved on this, I found myself in peace and

comfort so great that I was amazed, and assured of our Lord’s

will; for I do not think that Satan could fill the soul with

peace and comfort such as this: and so, whenever I think of it, I

praise our Lord, and remember the words, “posuit fines tuos

pacem,” [2] and I wish I could wear myself out in the praises

of God.

3. It must have been about a month after this my resolve was

made, on the second day after Pentecost, when I was going to

found the monastery in Seville, that we heard Mass in a hermitage

in Ecija, and rested there during the hottest part of the day.

Those who were with me remained in the hermitage while I was by

myself in the sacristy belonging to it. I began to think of one

great grace which I received of the Holy Ghost, on one of the

vigils of His feast, [3] and a great desire arose within me of

doing Him some most special service, and I found nothing that was

not already done,—at least, resolved upon,—for all I do must be

faulty; and I remembered that, though I had already made a vow of

obedience, it might be made in greater perfection, and I had an

impression it would be pleasing unto Him if I promised that which

I was already resolved upon, to live under obedience to the

Father-Master, Fr. Jerome. On the other hand, I seemed to be

doing nothing, because I was already bent on doing it; on the

other hand, it would be a very serious thing, considering that

our interior state is not made known to the superiors who receive

our vows, and that they change, and that, if one is not doing his

work well, another comes in his place; and I believed I should

have none of my liberty all my life long, either outwardly or

inwardly, and this constrained me greatly to abstain from making

the vow. This repugnance of the will made me ashamed, and I saw

that, now I had something I could do for God, I was not doing it;

it was a sad thing for my resolution to serve Him. The fact is,

that the objection so pressed me, that I do not think I ever did

anything in my life that was so hard—not even my

profession—unless it be that of my leaving my father’s house to

become a nun. [4] The reason of this was that I had forgotten my

affection for him, and his gifts for directing me; yea, rather, I

was looking on it then as a strange thing, which has surprised

me; feeling nothing but a great fear whether the vow would be for

the service of God or not: and my natural self—which is fond of

liberty—must have been doing its work, though for years now I

have no pleasure in it. But it seemed to me a far other matter

to give up that liberty by a vow, as in truth it is. After a

protracted struggle, our Lord gave me great confidence; and I saw

it was the better course, the more I felt about it: if I made

this promise in honour of the Holy Ghost, He would be bound to

give him light for the direction of my soul; and I remembered at

the same time that our Lord had given him to me as my guide.

Thereupon I fell upon my knees, and, to render this tribute of

service to the Holy Ghost, made a promise to do whatever he

should bid me do while I lived, provided nothing were required of

me contrary to the law of God and the commands of superiors whom

I am more bound to obey. I adverted to this, that the obligation

did not extend to things of little importance,—as if I were to

be importunate with him about anything, and he bade me cease, and

I neglected his advice and repeated my request,—nor to things

relating to my convenience. In a word, his commands were not to

be about trifles, done without reflection; and I was not

knowingly to conceal from him my faults and sins, or my interior

state; and this, too, is more than we allow to superiors. In a

word, I promised to regard him as in the place of God, outwardly

and inwardly. I know not if it be so, but I seemed to have done

a great thing in honour of the Holy Ghost—at least, it was all I

could do, and very little it was in comparison with what I

owe Him.

4. I give God thanks, who has created one capable of this work: I

have the greatest confidence that His Majesty will bestow on him

great graces; and I myself am so happy and joyous, that I seem to

be in every way free from myself; and though I thought that my

obedience would be a burden, I have attained to the

greatest freedom. May our Lord be praised for ever!

1. See Foundations, ch. xxii.

2. Psalm cxlvii. 14: “He hath made thy borders peace.”

3. Perhaps the Saint refers to what she has written in her Life,

ch. xxxviii. §§ 11, 12.

4. Life, ch. iv. § 1.

Relation VII.

Made for Rodrigo Alvarez, S.J., in the Year 1575, According to

Don Vicente de la Fuente; but in 1576, According to the

Bollandists and F. Bouix.

1. This nun took the habit forty years ago, and from the first

began to reflect on the mysteries of the Passion of Christ our

Lord, and on her own sins, for some time every day, without

thinking at all of anything supernatural, but only of created

things, or of such subjects as suggested to her how soon the end

of all things must come, discerning in creatures the greatness of

God and His love for us.

2. This made her much more willing to serve Him: she was never

under the influence of fear, and made no account of it, but had

always a great desire to see God honoured, and His glory

increased. To that end were all her prayers directed, without

making any for herself; for she thought that it mattered little

if she had to suffer in purgatory in exchange for the increase of

His glory even in the slightest degree.

3. In this she spent about two-and-twenty years in great

aridities, and never did it enter into her thoughts to desire

anything else; for she regarded herself as one who, she thought,

did not deserve even to think about God, except that His Majesty

was very merciful to her in allowing her to remain in His

presence, saying her prayers, reading also in good books.

4. It must be about eighteen years since she began to arrange

about the first monastery of Barefooted Carmelites which she

founded. It was in Avila, three or two years before,—I believe

it is three,—she began to think that she occasionally heard

interior locutions, and had visions and revelations interiorly.

She saw with the eyes of the soul, for she never saw anything

with her bodily eyes, nor heard anything with her bodily ears;

twice, she thinks, she heard a voice, but she understood not what

was said. It was a sort of making things present when she saw

these things interiorly; they passed away like a meteor most

frequently. The vision, however, remained so impressed on her

mind, and produced such effects, that it was as if she saw those

things with her bodily eyes, and more.

5. She was then by nature so very timid, that she would not dare

to be alone even by day, at times. And as she could not escape

from these visitations, though she tried with all her might, she

went about in very great distress, afraid that it was a delusion

of Satan, and began to consult spiritual men of the Society of

Jesus about it, among whom were Father Araoz, who was Commissary

of the Society, and who happened to go to that place, and Father

Francis, who was Duke of Gandia,—him she consulted twice; [1]

also a Provincial, now in Rome, called Gil Gonzalez, and him also

who is now Provincial of Castille,—this latter, however, not so

often,—Father Baltasar Alvarez who is now Rector in Salamanca;

and he heard her confession for six years at this time; also the

present Rector of Cuenca, Salazar by name; the Rector of Segovia,

called Santander; the Rector of Burgos, whose name is

Ripalda,—and he thought very ill of her when he heard of these

things, till after he had conversed with her; the Doctor Paul

Hernandez in Toledo, who was a Consultor of the Inquisition, him

who was Rector in Salamanca when she talked to him; the Doctor

Gutierrez, and other fathers, some of the Society, whom she knew

to be spiritual men, these she sought out, if any were in those

places where she went to found monasteries.

6. With the Father Fra Peter of Alcantara, who was a holy man of

the Barefooted Friars of St. Francis, she had many

communications, and he it was who insisted so much upon it that

her spirit should be regarded as good. They were more than six

years trying her spirit minutely, as it is already described at

very great length, [2] as will be shown hereafter: and she

herself in tears and deep affliction; for the more they tried

her, the more she fell into raptures, and into trances very

often,—not, however, deprived of her senses.

7. Many prayers were made, and many Masses were said, that our

Lord would lead her by another way, [3] for her fear was very

great when she was not in prayer; though in everything relating

to the state of her soul she was very much better, and a great

difference was visible, there was no vainglory, nor had she any

temptation thereto, nor to pride; on the contrary, she was very

much ashamed and confounded when she saw that people knew of her

state, and except with her confessors or any one who would give

her light, she never spoke of these things, and it was more

painful to speak of them than if they had been grave sins; for it

seemed to her that people must laugh at her, [4] and that these

things were womanish imaginations, which she had always heard of

with disgust.

8. About thirteen years ago, more or less, after the house of

St. Joseph was founded, into which she had gone from the other

monastery, came the present Bishop of Salamanca, Inquisitor, I

think, of Toledo, previously of Seville, Soto by name. [5] She

contrived to