Unvanishing pain(INCOMPLETE) by S.J. J. (pdf ebook reader txt) 📖

Your rather loud in a quiet classroom setting, dressed as a hooker so if anyone's ratchet its you.
Teacher: Melody why aren't you in your seat!
Melody: i was tawkin to new gurl ima go rite now * popping gum*

She then walked to her seat in front of the room.And glared at me. I knew from that moment on that me and Melody brooke were NOT going to be friends. The rest of the day went on normally. No one really talked to me and frankly i liked it that way.I wasn't use to having friends since i wasn't allowed to.Dad said he didn't want to share me with any "chicken head girls" or "love struck boys" the real words he said were much to violent for me to say so i just will sugar coat.As the day went by i figured out more about  Jose. well rather rumors about him but still, there is a little truth in every lie.Turns out he was a local drug dealer.The rest of things i don't believe but that one little fact stood out and didn't surprise me. I could tell by his whole dress code and the tattos on his arms and the scars he had. How did i observe all that by the little time i saw him in the office you ask?I didn't. we have some classes together which surprised me i mean because he didn't strike me as the smart type. probably just a mix up in schedule i assured myself. Lunch came finally and i was glad but then remembered i rushed out the house which didn't give me anytime to ask karen for lunch money. I didn't even attempt going to the cafeteria seeing though i had no money what so ever.so i just skipped lunch.Instead i went to a tree in the shade behind the portables it was totally secluded just the way i liked it. :) i sat and peacefully began rummaging through my brain trying to find some weird reason why god would do this to me.But then remembered preacher Maxwell's loud saying that
'Everything happened for a reason' but why this!!!!i took soothing breathes and felt tears escape my eyes as i gripped the grass underneath me. Why didn't daddy love me? Why couldn't mommy just get out of her grave and come back and hold me?
Jay: Are you OK?
My eyes popped open.How long had he been there? why was he there? Did he just see me cry?
Me: What are you doing here * attitude in my voice*
Jay: Isn't it obvious? *grinning
I surveyed him and noticed the blunt in his hand and now that i looked at his eyes again, i could see the were red
Me: You-your...High aren't you? *stammering*

My dad use to get high and when he did he was highly abusive or reckless.And seeing this boy in front of me doing the exact thing that destroyed my life angered me. If dad didn't smoke mommy would be here.I know it was wrong to take out my anger on him but i did.
Jay: No shit Sherlock * still grinning*

I wanted to wipe that smile off his face and make him suffer.The way i suffered every day.

Me:What are you doing?! your stocking me now?! Bad enough i have to deal with a convict/drug dealer in most of my classes but now he stocking me!I-

He stopped my ranting and looked at me with a look in his eyes that i could not explain it wasn't exactly angry yet he wasn't happy either.But it wasn't neutral.

Jay: who told you that?
Me: what?that your stocking me? no i figured that out by myself-
Jay: No that i....sell...?
Me: Heard it around
Jay: You shouldn't go around listening to you here Anastasia

With that he walked away angry leaving me frustrated. What the hell was he mad about!!! HE

 

was the one getting twisted!!!!i left the area feeling upset and concluded in my mind that i hated my new school.

My life...

Jay

Who was that girl to judge ME

 

!! she didn't know me.Besides that, word was getting around that I deal!I've haven't been in the game for too long but knew enough to know that a dealers biggest down fall was people knowing his line of work.The more people who knew was the more who could testify.I pushed away the thoughts of the new girl And walked to my truck.Now i know what your thinking its wrong of me to skip but i have a good reason.My kid sister gets out an hour before me so i had to skip 6th period each day to go pick her up. I didn't want her walking home, especially in the neighborhood we lived in.I drove to her elementary which wasn't but a few blocks from BVH. I saw my sister, Isabelle coming towards my truck.And boy was she taking her sweet time.
Me: belle hurry up
Belle: I'M Coming, i'm coming!

She entered the passenger seat and i began to drive home.You see the part wee live in is called palacio muerte which is Spanish for 'Death palace'. Its a very broken up neighborhood with a really high death rate hence the name Death palace. but we just call it muerte. Isabelle was seven and it was not safe for a little girl to be walking home by herself. We pulled up to our apartment building and I parked.

I pulled out my keys but before i could unlock the door it flew open.Belle screamed and i looked up to see grandpa drew
Me: pops why you always gotta do that shit
 Me and belle have been living with grandpa drew since i was 12.Mom has got strung out and hasn't come home ever since.and if she does come it for money.my real dad was never in the picture and frankly i don't need him to be.I handle the bills and put food on the table with my hustle and i don't need another mouth to feed.I've been selling since i was 15 and my home boy Calvin had convinced me to do it. pops thinks i got a real job at a restaurant called the 'sea shack' and since one of my clients is the manager there, He covers for me.Now you're probably wondering why pops don't work well it because he's a war veteran and has a bad leg which he can't stand on for to long on so he really just sits there all day at home.
Grandpa drew: boy what i told you bout cussing'?!don't think you to grown for an ass 'whoopin 'cuz i'll get my switch right now!

People were usually confused when they  found out granpa drew was my grandfather on the account of he was african american.However my father, granpa drew's son, was african american.I rolled my eyes at him and proceeded into the apartment and in my room.I dropped my backpack on the ground and looked at the mess all over my room. there was girls earrings,panties and bras laying around mixed with left over food and dirty boxers.i clean it later i told myself and spread my self on my bed only to feel something poke me in the back.I looked to see a gold hoop earring.probably Chiquita's.or maybe Ariel's?i don't know can't remember.Now i know what your thinking 'o my god its one of those players who dates every girl with a vagina' but i am NOT a player. I let girls know from the get go what i want and if they still wanna give it then be my guess but i'm not a relationship type of guy.Plus i don't wanna get some innocent girl involved with what i'm doing for a living.I can't hurt someone like that.I was drifting off to sleep when my iPhone rang.
ME:Hello? * groggily*
Sonny: Wassup man.is you high?
Sonny A.k.a calvin and I have been friends since forever and always got each other back. As i stated before he was the one that got me in the business.And when you in the business there aint alotta people you can trust.
ME: naw man i was sleeping.why what you need?
Sonny: We need some pizza.
Befor yall go judging thats me and sonny's discreet way of saying a delivery needed to be made and not pizza i mean drugs.Sonny's dad was like the crack king in muerte so the cops is always sweating sonny, listening to his conversations and shit..
Me: where?
Sonny:the usually pizza parlor.
Me:I'll be there in ten.
With that i hung up to get ready to lie to pops again about where i was going.

Why???..

Anastasia

When i got home or to Karen's home, i didn't eat.I just went into my horrible pink room and sobbed about my pitiful life.But i'm use to that.Not eating i mean.When i lived with my dad he starved me.He'd call me fat and say i didn't deserve to eat.And he was right i'm fat,not pretty and a worn out slut who lost her virginity to her father.These over wheming thoughts caused me to go to my suit case which i hadn't unpacked, and pull out my blade.I pressed it to my wrist and watched as it broke skin.Blood trickled down my arm as i began cutting my
palm,then my arm, the palm of my hand again.after a few minutes of cutting i closed my eyes and leaned against the head board of my bed.'you can do it'

a tiny voice said in my head 'you can end it all right now'

. i looked at the blade and contemplated suicide then put it back down.I let my self bleed some more before going to the restroom and washed off all the blood.I looked up at my self in the mirror.Why was i so ugly?I don't know what Damian saw in me.Damian is my 19 year old foster brother well, ex-foster brother.He wanted me Bad and kept saying how he could make the pain go away

and each time he told me this I told him that the pain was unvanishing and would never ever,ever leave no matter what he did.He promise he would fix me but died before he could.I was the reason he was dead but trust me, he deserved it.

*****Flash back***
I searched the school parking lot for