The Life We Live by Lexi Baker (best books to read for self improvement .TXT) 📖

the knife and eyed it; twirling it around in between my fingers. There was something about the knife that I couldn't stop looking at it. And then it slipped out of my hand and sliced across my thigh before clattering to the floor. I clenched my jaw before relaxing again. The cut took the aching in my heart away. I picked up the knife and sliced myself again, on purpose this time; blood oozing down my leg at a steady pace. A deep sigh left my mouth and I cleaned off the blade before closing it and shoving it back into the cabinet. The neon post-it laid on the floor.

 

Afterwards, I cleaned up and bandaged my thigh with guaze that I found in a first aid kit before pulling the towel tight around my now dry body and walking back into my room. I moved to the dresser and pulled out a matching set of undergardments and long blue sundress that was surpsingly not wrinkled at all.

 

Suddenly something on my bed moved and I turned around to see the shaggy haired guy with hazel eyes overlooking my body. I wasn't sure what to do so I clutched the towel tighter and spoke.

 

"I t-think this is m-my room." Stuttering yet again.

 

His lips curled up into a smile and he stood towering over me and pressing me against a wall. I've never been this close to a guy before. His smile morphed into a mischevious grin and he traveled his hand up my right thigh where my cuts were; his breath teasing my neck.

 

"Stop it." I muttered, clutching the towel now with one hand and pushing him with the other. He didn't budge and slowly slid his hand higher. My breath hitched as he reached the guaze; a frown settling on his perfect face as he slid his hand back down and then back up as if not believing what he was feeling.

 

He looked up at me as he kneeled down and slowly started unwrapping the guaze. Many emotions traveled across his eyes and my heart rate sped up as I recognized one as anger. He stood and walked out of my room before coming back with a first aid kit of his own.

 

"If you're going to hurt yourself, make sure you clean up afterwards. If you look carefully, you can see that the edges of the cuts are beginning to crust. Did you even make sure the tool you used was clean? Did you make sure that the gauze was clean??" He spoke harshly with an angelic voice that made up for it.

 

"How did you...?" I trailed off; the question obvious.

 

"You didn't arrive with cuts. Your skin was smooth and-" He cut himself off; busying himself with cleaning my cuts. When he was done, he re-bandaged them except this time with a sterile giant band-aid.

 

"Thank you." I forced out; ashamed.

 

He nodded and then a smirk rose on his face.

 

"Brazilian?" He asked tauntingly, speeding out of my room with his long legs before I could respond. I shut the door swiftly and leaned on it suddenly out of breath.

 

No way. No no no no no no no....

 

 

Six

I have never gotten a Brazilian waxing in my life. For some reason, it was gentically not possible for me to grow pubic hair. I have never knew why and my mother never told me. Now that I truly think about it, my mother has never told me many things. We have never had the "sex" converstaion and we have never talked about boys or girls or anything that revovled around growing up. Now that I think about it, the only thing she has ever really done for me was make my life miserable and just like hers. I knew I was just speaking out of anger by then though.

 

 I walked down the stairs with the blue conservative but beautiful maxi sundress on with a pair of brand new matching blue vans that I found, after discovering a walk-in closet full of sneakers and heels in my room; my hair pulled up in a messy bun. I heard chatter that died down when I reached the kitchen. The nerdy guy sat on a loveseat that sat right in front of a window which overlooked the beach with the chubby red head on his lap. Their hands were entwined as she rested her head in the crook of his neck and sucked on his shoulder. His other hand soothingly rubbed her back; his eyes closed. I looked away embarrassed; feeling as if I were intruding on their intimate scene.

 

The other four were leaning on the island in the middle of the stunning out in the open kitchen. The girl who was upset earlier was holding the shaggy guys' hand; his eyes on mine. The other two guys were busying themselves with shoveling dripping eggs into their mouths; they looked to be twins. One looked up with a welcoming smile on his face. That was nice for a change with the cold temperature in the room. My brother was again nowehere to be seen.

 

"Hey you! I'm Ben and my brother here is Benjamin." His voice came out fluently and curvy. I wondered if he was gay or even bisexual.

 

I responded. "Hi, I'm Lacy. Nice to meet you both." My voice still sounded hoarse.

 

"Well Lacy this is everyone! Everyone this is Lacy!" He shouted unneccessarily before continuing. "Those two love birds dry humping each other over there are Drew and April. This big guy right here is Blake and beside him is his slut, Katlin." Him and his brother erupted into laughter.

 

Katlin growled and punched Ben's shoulder, causing him to go on a rant about why non-violence is better. I was sure he was quoting some of Martin Luther King's words. I was expecting a huge fight to outbreak but everyone just began laughing and I was just standing there even more awkward than before; I felt as if I was intruding on a family moment.

 

I began, trying to find some relevance for my opinion. "How old are you guys?"

 

"All twenty-three." Ben said. "Graduated collage with your bro bro and now just staying as roommates."

 

"Ah" I nodded "So like y-you guys are old enough to be my grandparents then right?" It sounded better in my head; came out lamely.

 

Benjamin let out a chuckle of embarrassment for me and looked up at me; winking. I saw Blake tensing out of the corner of my eye before he burst out into a fit of laughter. His laugh was contagious and I could see why everyone else followed and before I knew it, I was laughing too.

 

My brother walked in; brushing past me and pushing a plate of food towards me from the island. I nodded my thanks and sat at one of the chairs by the island; scooping the food into my mouth trying to eat slowly but failing. A moan slipped out of my mouth and Benjamin snickered. My mother wasn't there to laugh with me. I couldn't help the genuine pout that pulled my lips down.

 

"What's wrong baby? You need to keep your sisters healthy." Benjamin grinned.

 

I eyed him confused before seeing that he was staring at my cleavage. I looked down and saw that the fabric of the dress was being pulled down by the weight of my chest. I frowned and pulled my dress up by it's straps only to have my breasts push them back down. Laughter broke out again at my expense and my brother smacked Benjamins head; hard.

 

I pushed my unfinished plate away from me; feeling shameful about the size of my chest. I stared at my fingers and twiddled my thumbs and away from the island, only to see Drew and April in a full out make-out session. I looked back to see Blake standing there; shoving my plate back towards me.

 

"Eat." He growled.

 

I shook my head and he sighed.

 

"You need to eat Lacy."

 

He said my name.

 

"Babe, just leave her alone. She doesn't want to eat." Katin drawled, trying so hard to be sexy.

 

"Stop it Kate. She needs to eat food. I would do the same for anyone in this room too." He said annoyed and tense again.

 

My brother walked out of the room; another disgusted look on his face. I looked after him; hurt visible on my face. I rushed out of the house and walked down the wooden ramp to the beach. The salty air wacked my face; the beach empty and sand cool. I tried my best to keep the sand out of my vans but it wasn't worth the effort.

 

Eventually, I found a spot in the sun to sit. The day wasn't beautiful enough for a dress but it was tolerable.

 

I heard steps through the sand behind me and looked up to see my brother; hands in his pockets.

 

"It's okay Isiah. I already know you don't want me here and that I dusgust you."

 

He sat beside me and hooked his arm with mine.

 

"That's not it at all." He truly spoke to me for the first time.

 

"That night, I never wanted to leave. Dad took me with him and raised me himself; begging the courts with his money to keep his only son. He won of course and I've lived with him ever since, you know until I turned eighteen and moved out. He was 63 when I left so naturally I inherited a lot of his money. I thought you and mom were dead. What were you capable of doing? He took everything. I thought you guys were dead until 6am today when I got a call and that's when they asked if I was able to take care of a family member in need...I-I'm not disgusted with you Lace. I'm disgusted with myself. I should've looked for you guys; not give up so early."

 

I wasn't sure how to respond so I just leaned my head on his shoulder and nodded.

 

"Make sure you keep eating Lacy. Benjamin can't help himself, ignore him."

 

I nodded again; my thoughts consuming me. He called me Lace....he always used to call me that. I guess he never forgot.

 

Seven - One Month Later

It was now mid-March and I was having thoughts about Blake that I never thought I would have. Katlin's jealously grew as our friendship grew. Blake and I fell into a constant routine: I cut myself, he would find out, and then he would help me clean it properly.

 

One time I cut myself on my inner thigh just so that I could feel his touch where I wanted it