Damaged Beyond Repair by Kashmira Kamat (KittyKash) (ebook reader below 3000 .txt) 📖

     An hour passed in a blink of an eye, and it was time for the visitors to leave. Alana wasn't letting go of me, she hugged me once again. I caressed her back, drawing slow circles on her back.

     "You'll see me tomorrow. I promise, and I'll have something special planned just for you." I kissed the top of her head.

     Alana pecked my lips once again. "Can't wait. Bye, Handsome."

     "Bye, baby. See you tomorrow."

      I waited until I watched her disappear out of the visitors room and made my way back upstairs with a goofy grin on my face.

****

    "Thought you weren't going to be done sucking face." Hansen teased me as I passed him in the library. He appeared to be reading a Edgar Allan Poe book. Very ironic for someone who suffered from schizophrenia.

     "I met her after five months, what the hell do you expect?" I asked, pulling out One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

     "She seems like a good kid." Hansen said, smiling at me. 

     That word kid again, it stabbed right in my heart.

   "Hansen, do you think I'm doing right?" I asked.

   "I don't think I can answer that question, Rowan. It's your call. But, personally, I think she is too young for this shit. No offense, but the girl looks at you like you are a movie star. You know, kind of like that British boy band...what's the name again? Two Direction? Three Direction?"

  "One Direction."

   "Right. That one." Hansen said. "If Alana was my daughter, I would tell her to stay the fuck away from you."

    "I kind of have an urge to punch you man." I admitted, flexing my fingers. "But, I love her. And she loves me."

    Hansen stared into the distance for a long minute, and for a minute I thought he had totally forgotten that I was here having a conversation with him, then a second later he said, "my daughter  was in love with a guy. Big, and bad, he was actually a bully. She said 'daddy I love him and he is my forever and to be honest, it hurt like a bitch. But, what do ya know, she was with another guy the next week. And I heard her say the same thing about him."

    "Do you realize your daughter is in middle school, Hansen? She is fucking ten years old."

     "Yeah. I'm schizophrenic, not stupid. All I'm saying is that kids tend to go through a phase. Teenage girls especially are more fond of older men. The type who drive expensive cars, gave flowers and did some fine and dine. Well, if the man happens to be a little on the wilder side and gorgeous which is your case, then it's like a cherry on top. You understand? Young girls love their thrills and bad boys. Like those Romance novels. Fifty shades of blue, was it?"

    "Fifty shades of Grey." I corrected him. "I get your point, Hansen. You don't think my dating a young girl is a good idea."

     "I didn't say that. But, do you have any idea how long it takes for people like us to actually start living a normal life outside of these damn walls? Do you know how much of a tug of war my wife and I have played because of my issues? You wouldn't know. But, when I see her in pain, when I see her crying her eyes out while I'm not watching, it hurts like a mofo. And makes me wish I'd let her go. I love her that much."

    "I can't let Alana go." My throat tightened. "I love her too much."

    "Think about it, Rowan. Think about what's the right thing to do."

   "I want normal in my life, Hansen. And for once in my life, I think it's Alana who can give me that. Her love is unconditional. She loves me for who I am, not because my father is rich or I have given her gifts. She is different."

   "You see a future with her because she treats your daughter like her own and you plan on going with the flow and making her family. Am I right?"

    Hansen had hit the bulls-eye.

    I let out a sigh. "It's not just because of Minnie..."

    "You want to marry her because she is your comfort zone, but you have never thought about how she will handle this in the future. Rowan, she may stop caring, or she may move on...are you ready if..."

    "Shut the fuck up, Hansen!" I growled. "Next time, I wouldn't talk but my fists will."

Hansen realized he had crossed a line because he raised his hands in surrender. "You gotta take a chill pill, Row. Lashing out at me wouldn't change a thing."

  I brought the book case tumbling down. All the books spiraled on the floor. Frustrated, retreated back to my room and lied down on my bed, staring at the ceiling, realizing that what Hansen had said was indeed true.

  Alana thought life would be rainbows and flowers once I was out of the rehab, but that was far from true. It would be far difficult than what either of us could imagine. I didn't want to ruin her life just because I was selfish enough to let her go.

My eyes glazed over with tears as I turned to face the wall.

Alana had gone through a lot for me and although I always dreamed of her being present in my future, the thought of hurting her made me feel worse. She was only eighteen dammit!

And Marriage would never be easy with me, I knew that much. I would never put Alana in that position.

Even if that meant losing her.

***