Wild Bastard by Ella Savitskaya (best feel good books txt) 📖

"I've missed you so much, baby!"

I recognize Anton's voice clearly now. He tries desperately to unbutton my jeans, and when he succeeds, he tries to pull them off, along with my panties. I quickly grab my underwear and stop it from coming down. The dope makes it hard to come to my senses right away, but the mere thought of letting my drugged friend stick his dick in me is practically sobering. 

I press my palms against his wide bare chest and try to push him away.

"Anton, stop it!"

"Reenah, you're back at last! I've missed you" The jagged phrases come to me as if through absorbent cotton. Anton had always had feelings for me. His wet lips touch my neck again, causing a fit of nausea, panic, and anger at myself.

"Anton, stop. Stop!"

He can't hear me. I start to feel queasy as his cock touches the inside of my thigh through the thin fabric of my underwear. Even through my jeans it's disgusting. 

"I don't want you, no!"

I start slapping him painfully on the shoulders, and then twisting around, I hit him in the balls with my knee. The instant reaction of the guy grabbing his groin gives me that much-needed head start. I leap off the couch, flying a few feet to the side, and immediately button my jeans.

I look around the place as if it is my first time.

A few empty bottles of cheap cognac lay on the table. There are bags of weed and pills that the guys and Vikky had been popping. I only smoked. From the next bedroom I could hear my friends moaning and, turning my head, I could even see my friend's legs spread wide apart and Dima's ass. 

I feel nauseous in my throat. I rush to the bathroom. At the last second I manage to open the lid and flush the contents of my stomach down the toilet. I feel like dirt and nothing. An empty space.

My temples pound with the realization that I might have just made an irreparable mistake that I would definitely regret for the rest of my life. It's one thing to have sex with a sober mind and a desire, but it's another thing to have sex under the influence of drugs. My stomach goes into another spasm.

After a few minutes, I rinse my face and mouth with cold water. The reflection in the mirror is frightening. My hair is disheveled, there's a huge hickey on my neck, my pupils are dilated, there's blood on my lip. Had Anton bitten me? 

My head is a mess, and I'm starting to shake from the inside. I feel freezing, like I have a fever. I run my trembling fingers through my hair and try to comb it out for some reason. To tidy myself up. What for? I don't understand. Just the way I see myself in the mirror is terrifying. Is this me? This lost monster? Frantically pull on the straps of my shirt and adjust the bra, which Anton had managed to steal. I wrap my arms around myself. The desire to crawl into a corner is so strong that I start to turn around, looking for the right one.

Only the answer to the question "Who am I?" remains unanswered. I don't know. I have no goddamn idea who I am in this life. Tears of despair gather in the corners of my eyes as I frantically wipe the smeared mascara off my cheeks.  

What should I do? A few moments ago everything had been so good, so light and carefree. I was flying in some other dimension, where nothing mattered at all except the clouds floating next to me and the feeling of bliss. And now everything is back to the way it used to be.

The door to the bathroom opens, and Vikky shows up on the threshold, wrapped in a sheet. She gives me a floating look.

"Hey, what did you do to Anton?" My friend's lips curve into a crooked smile. "The guy could lose his balls"

I look at her and swallow the bitterness that collects in my mouth. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be dirt. 

"He won't" I sit down on the edge of the bathtub.

"Reenah, what's wrong with you? I mean, it was fine. The guy misses you for so many years" Vi sits down next to me, with one hand on my shoulder, and the other holding the sheet.

"Vi, and this is how you live? " I turn my gaze to my friend, trying to figure out if this is the end point. 

"Yeah. We work. The guys load the bags, and I... I serve the customers" Which customers I'd known two hours ago when I saw the bruises on her thighs. "That's fine with us. We get money, spend it on food and tasty pills. We go to clubs. We party"

"What about a normal job? Family..."

"What family, hey? " My friend's mocking laugh is a punch in the gut. "You have a family?"

I stare at the floor in silence, because the answer is obvious.

"Neither do I. And neither do Anton and Dima. We are family to each other. And we have a normal job. I don't have to sit at the cash register from morning till night and pick up groceries! Stop flying in the clouds, Marina! Normal life for people like us does not exist! Admit it already and come back! We love you. We accepted you even after you left. Where else will you find a family as devoted as us, hmm?"

Sometimes doubts can be so strong that it takes time to figure out what is more important to you. To try to find yourself in life, to find the right paths... But what if there are none? What if this is the ultimate destination?