A KNIGHT OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY by Edward Payson Roe (world of reading .txt) 📖

Chapter XXIX (How Evil Isolates)

If Haldane Had Been Left Alone On An Ice-Floe In the Arctic Ocean He

Could Scarcely Have Felt Worse Than He Did During The Remainder Of The

Day After Mrs. Arnot'S Departure. A Dreary And Increasing Sense Of

Isolation Oppressed him. The Words Of His Visitor, "What Have You To Do

With The World?" And "If You Were Dead It Would Forget You In a Few

Days," Repeated themselves Over And Over Again. His Vindictive Feeling

Against Society Died out In the Consciousness Of His Weakness And

Insignificance. What Is The Use Of One'S Smiting a Mountain With His

Fist? Only The Puny Hand Feels The Blow. The World Became, Under Mrs.

Arnot'S Words, Too Large And Vague A Generality Even To Be Hated.

 

 

 

In Order To Be A Misanthrope One Must Also Be An Egotist, Dwarfing The

Objects Of His Spite, And Exaggerating The Small Atom That Has Arrayed

Itself Against The Universe. It Is A Species Of Insanity, Wherein A Mind

Has Lost Perception Of The Correct Relationship Between Different

Existences. The Poor Hypochondriac Who Imagined himself A Mountain Was A

Living Satire On Many Of His Fellow-Creatures, Who Differ Only In being

Able To Keep Similar Delusions To Themselves.

 

 

 

Mrs. Arnot'S Plain, Honest, Yet Kindly Words Had Thrown Down The Walls

Of Prejudice, And Haldane'S Mind Lay Open To The Truth. As Has Been

Said, His First Impression Was A Strange And Miserable Sense Of

Loneliness. He Saw What A Slender Hold He Had Upon The Rest Of Humanity.

The Majority Knew Nothing Of Him, While, With Few Exceptions, Those Who

Were Aware Of His Existence Despised and Detested him, And Would Breathe

More Freely If Assured of His Death. He Instinctively Felt That The

Natural Affections Of His Mother And Sisters Were Borne Down And Almost

Overwhelmed by His Course And Character. If They Had Any Visitors In the

Seclusion To Which His Disgrace Had Driven Them, His Name Would Be

Avoided with Morbid Sensitiveness, And Yet All Would Be As Painfully

Conscious Of Him As If He Were A Corpse In the Room, Which By Some

Monstrous Necessity Could Not Be Buried. While They Might Shed natural

Tears, He Was Not Sure But That Deep In their Hearts Would Come A Sense

Of Relief Should They Hear That He Was Dead, And So Could Not Deepen The

Stain He Had Already Given To A Name Once So Respectable. He Knew That

His Indifference And Overbearing Manner Toward His Sisters Had Alienated

Them From Him; While In respect To Mrs. Haldane, Her Aristocratic

Conventionality, The Most Decided trait Of Her Character, Would Always

Be In sharp Contest With Her Strong Mother-Love, And Thus He Would Ever

Be Only A Source Of Disquiet And Wretchedness Whether Present Or Absent.

In View Of The Discordant Elements And Relations Now Existing, There Was

Not A Place On Earth Less Attractive Than His Own Home.

 

 

 

It May At First Seem A Contradiction To Say That The Thought Of Mrs.

Arnot Gave Him A Drearier Sense Of Isolation Than The Memory Of All

Else. In her Goodness She Seemed to Belong To A Totally Different World

From Himself And People In general. He Had Nothing In common With Her.

She Seemed to Come To Him Almost Literally As An Angel Of Mercy, And

From An Infinite Distance, And Her Visits Must, Of Necessity, Be Like

Those Of The Angels, Few And Far Between, And, In view Of His Character,

Must Soon Cease. He Shrank From Her Purity And Nobility Even While Drawn

Toward Her By Her Sympathy. He Instinctively Felt That In all Her Deep

Commiseration Of Him She Could Not For A Moment Tolerate The Debasing

Evil Of His Nature, And That This Evil, Retained, Would Speedily And

Inevitably Separate Them Forever. Could He Be Rid Of It? He Did Not

Know. He Could Not Then See How. In his Weakness And Despondency It

Seemed inwrought With Every Fibre Of His Being, And An Essential Part Of

Himself. As For Laura, She Was Like A Bright Star That Had Set, And Was

No Longer Above His Dim Horizon.

 

 

 

As He Felt Himself Thus Losing His Hold On The Companionship And

Remembrance Of Others, He Was Thrown Back Upon Himself, And This Led him

To Feel With A Sort Of Dreary Foreboding That It Would Be A Horrible

Thing Thus To Be Chained forever To A Self Toward Which The Higher

Faculties Of His Soul Must Ever Cherish Only Hatred and Loathing. Even

Now He Hated himself--Nay, More, He Was Enraged with Himself--In View Of

The Folly Of Which He Had Been Capable. What Could Be Worse Than The

Endless Companionship Of The Base Nature Which Had Already Dragged him

Down So Low?

 

 

 

As The Hours Passed, The Weight Upon His Heart Grew Heavier, And The

Chill Of Dread More Unendurable. He Saw His Character As Another Might

See It. He Saw A Nature To Which, From Infancy, A Wrong Bias Had Been

Given, Made Selfish By Indulgence, Imperious And Strong Only In carrying

Out Impulses And In gratifying Base Passions, But Weak As Water In

Resisting Evil And Thwarting Its Vile Inclinations. The Pride And Hope

That Had Sustained him In what He Regarded as The Great Effort Of His

Life Were Gone, And He Felt Neither Strength Nor Courage To Attempt

Anything Further. He Saw Himself Helpless And Prostrate Before His Fate,

And Yet That Fate Was So Terrible That He Shrank From It With Increasing

Dread.

 

 

 

What Could He Do? Was It Possible To Do Anything? Had He Not Lost His

Footing? If A Man Is Caught In the Rapids, Up To A Certain Point His

Struggle Against The Tide Is Full Of Hope, But Beyond That Point No

Effort Can Avail. Had He Not Been Swept So Far Down Toward The Final

Plunge That Grim Despair Were Better Than Frantic But Vain Effort?

 

 

 

And Yet He Felt That He Could Not Give Himself Up To The Absolute

Mastery Of Evil Without One More Struggle. Was There Any Chance? Was He

Capable Of Making The Needful Effort?

 

 

 

Thus Hopes And Fears, Bitter Memories And Passionate Regrets, Swept To

And Fro Through His Soul Like Stormy Gusts. A Painful Experience And

Mrs. Arnot'S Words Were Teaching The Giddy, Thoughtless Young Fellow

What Life Meant, And Were Forcing Upon His Attention The Inevitable

Questions Connected with It Which Must Be Solved sooner Or Later, And

Which Usually Grow More Difficult As The Consideration Of Them Is

Delayed, And They Become Complicated. As His Cell Grew Dusky With Its

Early Twilight, As He Thought Of Another Long Night Whose Darkness Would

Be Light Compared with The Shadow Brooding On His Prospects, His Courage

And Endurance Gave Way.

 

 

 

With Something Of The Feeling Of A Terror-Stricken Child He Called the

Under-Sheriff, And Asked for Writing Materials. With A Pencil He Wrote

Hastily:

 

 

 

"Mrs. Arnot--I Entreat You To Visit Me Once More To-Day. Your Words Have

Left Me In torture. I Cannot Face The Consequences And Yet See No Way Of

Escape. It Would Be Very Cruel To Leave Me To My Despairing Thoughts For

Another Night, And You Are Not Cruel."

 

 

 

In Despatching The Missive He Said, "I Can Promise That If This Note Is

Delivered to Mrs. Arnot At Once, The Bearer Shall Be Well Paid."

 

 

 

Moments Seemed hours While He Waited for An Answer. Suppose The Letter

Was Not Delivered--Suppose Mrs. Arnot Was Absent. A Hundred miserable

Conjectures Flitted through His Mind; But His Confidence In his Friend

Was Such That Even His Morbid Fear Did Not Suggest That She Would Not

Come.

 

 

 

The Lady Was At The Dinner-Table When The Note Was Handed to Her, And

After Reading It She Rose Hastily And Excused herself.

 

 

 

"Where Are You Going?" Asked her Husband Sharply.

 

 

 

"A Person In trouble Has Sent For Me."

 

 

 

"Well, Unless The _Person_ Is In the Midst Of A Surgical Operation,

He, She, Or It, Whichever This Person May Be, Can Wait Till You Finish

Your Dinner."

 

 

 

"I Am Going To Visit Egbert Haldane," Said Mrs. Arnot Quietly. "Jane,

Please Tell Michael To Come Round With The Carriage Immediately."

 

 

 

"You Visit The City Prison At This Hour! Now I Protest. The Young Rake

Probably Has The Delirium Tremens. Send Our Physician Rather, If Some

One Must Go, Though Leaving Him To The Jailer And A Strait-Jacket Would

Be Better Still."

 

 

 

"Please Excuse Me," Answered his Wife, With Her Hand On The Door-Knob;

"You Forget My Relations To Mrs. Haldane; Her Son Has Sent For Me."

 

 

 

"'Her Relations To Mrs. Haldane!' As If She Were Not Always At The Beck

And Call Of Every Beggar And Criminal In town! I Do Wish I Had A Wife

Who Was Too Much Of A Lady To Have Anything To Do With This Low Scum."

 

 

 

A Few Moments Later Mr. Arnot Broke Out Anew With Muttered complaint And

Invective, As He Heard The Carriage Driven Rapidly Away.

 

 

 

As By The Flickering Light Of A Dip Candle Mrs. Arnot Saw Haldane'S

Pale, Haggard Face, She Did Not Regret That She Had Come At Once, For A

Glance Gave To Her The Evidence Of A Human Soul In its Extremity.

 

 

 

In Facing These Deep Questions Of Life, Some Regard Themselves As Brave

Or Philosophical. Perhaps It Were Nearer The Truth To Say They Are

Stolid, And Are Staring at That Which They Do Not Understand And Cannot

Yet Realize. Where In history Do We Read--Who From A Ripe Experience Can

Give--An Instance Of A Happy Life Developing Under The Deepening Shadow

Of Evil? Suppose One Has Seen High Types Of Character And Happiness, And

Was Capable Of Appreciating Them, But Finds That He Has Cherished a

Sottish, Beastly Nature So Long That It Has Become His Master, Promising

To Hold Him In thraldom Ever Afterward;--Can There Be A More Wretched

Form Of Captivity? The Ogre Of A Debased nature Drags The Soul Away From

Light And Happiness--From All Who Are Good And Pure--To The Hideous

Solitude Of Self And Memory.

 

 

 

There Are Those Who Will Be Incredulous And Even Resentful In view Of

This Picture, But It Will Not Be The First Time That Facts Have Been

Quarrelled with. It Is _True_ That Many Are Writhing and Groaning

In This Cruel Bondage, Mastered and Held Captive By Some Debasing

Appetite Or Passion, Perhaps By Many. Sometimes, With A Bitter,

Despairing Sorrow, Of Which Superficial Observers Of Life Can Have No

Idea, They Speak Of These Horrid Chains; Sometimes They Tug At Them

Almost Frantically. A Few Escape, But More Are Dragged down And

Away--Away From Honorable Companionships And Friendships; Away From

Places Of Trust, From Walks Of Usefulness And Safety; Away From Parents,

From Wife And Children, Until The Awful Isolation Is Complete, And The

Guilty Soul Finds Itself Alone With The Sin That Mastered it, Conscious

That God Only Will Ever See And Remember. Human Friends Will

Forget--They Must Forget In order To Obtain Relief From An Object That

Has Become Morally Too Unsightly To Be Looked upon; And In mercy They

Are So Created that They Can Forget, Though It May Be Long Before It Is

Possible.

 

 

 

There Are People Who Scout This Awful Mystery Of Evil. They Have

Beautiful Little Theories Of Their Own, Which They Have Spun In the

Seclusion Of Their Studies. They Keep Carefully Within Their Shady,

Flower-Bordered walks, And Ignore The Existence Of The World'S Dusty

Highways, In which So Many Are Fainting and Being Trampled upon. What

They Do Not See Does Not Exist. What They Do Not Believe Is Not True.

They Cannot Condemn Too Severely The Lack Of Artistic Taste And Liberal

Culture Which Leads Any One To Regard Sin As Other Than A Theologian'S

Phrase Or A Piquant Element In human Life, Which Otherwise Would Be

Rather Dull And Flavorless.

 

 

 

Mrs. Arnot Was Not A Theorist, Nor Was She The Elegant Lady, Wholly

Given To The Aesthetic Culture That Her Husband Desired; She Was A

Large-Hearted woman, And She Understood Human Life And Its Emergencies

Sufficiently Well To Tremble With Apprehension When She Saw The Face Of

Egbert Haldane, For She Felt That A Deathless Soul In its Crisis--Its

Deepest Spiritual Need--Was Looking To Her Solely For Help.