A KNIGHT OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY by Edward Payson Roe (world of reading .txt) 📖

Could Suggest That She Was In part To Blame For His

Course Seemed such Black Ingratitude That His Apologies And

Acknowledgments Of Wrong Went For Nothing. She Quite Overlooked the

Hope, Expressed here And There, That He Might Lead A Very Different Life

In The Future. His Large And Self-Confident Assurances Made Before Had

Come To Naught, And She Had Not The Tact To See That He Would Make This

Attempt In a Different Spirit.

 

 

 

It Was Not By Any Means A Knightly Or Even A Manly Letter That He Wrote

To His Mother; It Was As Confused as His Own Chaotic Moral Nature; But

If Mrs. Haldane Had Had A Little More Of Mrs. Arnot'S Intuition, And

Less Of Prejudice, She Might Have Seen Scattered through It Very Hopeful

Indications. But Even Were Such Indications Much More Plain, Her Anger,

Caused by His Refusal To Leave Hillaton, And The Belief That He Would

Continue To Disgrace Himself And Her, Would Have Blinded her To Them.

Under The Influence Of This Anger She Sat Down And Wrote At Once:

 

 

 

Since You Cast Off Your Mother For Strangers--Since You Attempt Again

What You Have Proved yourself Incapable Of Accomplishing--Since You

Prefer To Go Out Of Jail To Be A Vagrant And A Criminal In the Streets,

Instead Of Accepting My Offer To Live A Respectable And Secluded life

Where Your Shame Is Unknown, I Wash My Hands Of You, And Shall Take

Pains To Let It Be Understood That I Am No Longer Responsible For You Or

Your Actions. You Must Look To Strangers Solely Until You Can Conform

Your Course To The Will Of The One You Have So Greatly Wronged.

 

 

 

Haldane Received this Letter On The Morning Of The Day Which Would Again

Give Him Freedom. Mrs. Arnot Had Visited him From Time To Time, And Had

Been Pleased to Find Him, As A General Thing, In a Better And More

Promising Mood. He Had Been Eager To Listen To All That She Had To Say,

And He Seemed honestly Bent On Reform. And Yet, While Hopeful, She Was

Not At All Sanguine As To His Future. He Occasionally Gave Way To Fits

Of Deep Despondency, And Again Was Over-Confident, While The Causes Of

These Changes Were Not Very Apparent, And Seemingly Resulted more From

Temperament Than Anything Else. She Feared that The Bad Habits Of Long

Standing, Combining With His Capricious And Impulsive Nature, Would

Speedily Betray Him Into His Old Ways. She Was Sure This Would Be The

Case Unless The Strong And Steady Hand Of God Sustained him, And She Had

Tried to Make Him Realize The Same Truth. This He Did In a Measure, And

Was Exceedingly Distrustful; And Yet He Had Not Been Able To Do Much

More Than Hope God Would Help Him--For To Anything Like Trustful

Confidence He Was Still A Stranger.

 

 

 

The Future Was Very Dark And Uncertain. What He Was To Do, How He Was To

Live, He Could Not Foresee. Even The Prison Seemed almost A Refuge From

The World, Out Into Which He Would Be Thrown That Day, As One Might Be

Cast From A Ship, To Sink Or Swim, As The Case Might Be.

 

 

 

While Eager To Receive Counsel And Advice From Mrs. Arnot, He Felt A

Peculiar Reluctance To Take Any Pecuniary Assistance, And He Fairly

Dreaded to Have Her Offer It; Still, It Might Be All That Would Stand

Between Him And Hunger.

 

 

 

After Receiving His Mother'S Harsh Reply To His Letter, His Despondency

Was Too Great Even For Anger. He Was Ashamed of His Weakness And

Discouragement, And Felt That They Were Unmanly, And Yet Was Powerless

To Resist The Leaden Depression That Weighed him Down.

 

 

 

Mrs. Arnot Had Promised to Call Just Before His Release, And When She

Entered his Cell She At Once Saw That Something Was Amiss. In reply To

Her Questioning He Gave Her The Letter Just Received.

 

 

 

After Reading It Mrs. Arnot Did Not Speak For Some Time, And Her Face

Wore A Sad, Pained look.

 

 

 

At Last She Said, "You Both Misunderstand Each Other; But, Egbert, You

Have No Right To Cherish Resentment. Your Mother Sincerely Believes Your

Course Is All Wrong, And That It Will End Worse Than Before. I Think She

Is Mistaken. And Yet Perhaps She Is Right, And It Will Be Easier For You

To Commence Your Better And Reformed life In the Seclusion Which She

Suggests. I Am Sorry To Say It To You, Egbert, But I Have Not Been Able

To Find Any Employment For You Such As You Would Take, Or I Would Be

Willing To Have You Accept. Perhaps Providence Points To Submission To

Your Mother'S Will."

 

 

 

"If So, Then I Lose What Little Faith I Have In providence," He Replied

Impetuously. "It Is Here, In this City, That I Have Fallen And Disgraced

Myself, And It Is Here I Ought To Redeem Myself, If I Ever Do. Weeks

Ago, In pride And Self-Confidence, I Made The Effort, And Failed

Miserably, As Might Have Been Expected. Instead Of Being a Gifted and

Brilliant Man, As I Supposed, That Had Been Suddenly Brought Under A

Cloud As Much Through Misfortune As Fault, I Have Discovered myself To

Be A Weak, Commonplace, Illiterate Fellow, Strong Only In bad Passions

And Bad Habits. Can I Escape These Passions And Habits By Going

Elsewhere? You Have Told Me, In a Way That Excited my Hope, Of God'S

Power And Willingness To Help Such As I Am. If He Will Not Help Me Here,

He Will Not Anywhere; And If, With His Aid, I Cannot Surmount The

Obstacles In my Way Here, What Is God'S Promised help But A Phrase Which

Means Nothing, And What Are We But Victims Of Circumstances?"

 

 

 

"Are You Not Reaching Conclusions Rather Fast, Egbert? You Forget That I

And Myriads Of Others Have Had Proof Of God'S Power And Willingness To

Help. If Wide And Varied experience Can Settle Any Fact, This One Has

Been Settled. But We Should Ever Remember That We Are Not To Dictate The

Terms On Which He Is To Help Us."

 

 

 

"I Do Not Mean To Do This," Said Haldane Eagerly, "But I Have A

Conviction That I Ought To Remain In hillaton. To Tell You The Truth,

Mrs. Arnot, I Am Afraid To Go Elsewhere," He Added in a Low Tone, While

Tears Suffused his Eyes. "You Are The Only Friend In the Universe That I

Am Sure Cares For Me, Or That I Can Trust Without Misgivings. To Me God

Is Yet But Little More Than A Name, And One That Heretofore I Have

Either Forgotten Or Feared. You Have Led me To Hope That It Might Be

Otherwise Some Day, But It Is Not So Yet, And I Dare Not Go Away Alone

Where No One Cares For Me, For I Feel Sure That I Would Give Way To

Utter Despondency, And Recklessness Would Follow As A Matter Of Course."

 

 

 

"O Egbert," Sighed mrs. Arnot, "How Weak You Are, And How Foolish, In

Trusting So Greatly In a Mere Fellow-Creature."

 

 

 

"Yes, Mrs. Arnot, 'Weak And Foolish.' Those Two Words Now Seem To Sum Up

My Whole Life And All There Is Of Me."

 

 

 

"And Yet," She Added earnestly, "If You Will, You Can Still Achieve A

Strong, And Noble Character. O That You Had The Courage And Heroic Faith

In God To Fight Out This Battle To The End! Should You Do So, As I Told

You Before, You Would Be Ideal Knight. Heaven Would Ring With Your

Praise, However Unfriendly The World Might Be. I Cannot Conceive Of A

Grander Victory Than That Of A Debased nature Over Itself. If You Should

Win Such A Victory, Egbert--If, In addition, You Were Able, By The

Blessing Of God On Your Efforts, To Build Up A Strong, True Character--I

Would Honor You Above Other Men, Even Though You Remained a Wood-Sawyer

All Your Days," And Her Dark Eyes Became Lustrous With Deep Feeling as

She Spoke.

 

 

 

Haldane Looked at Her Fixedly For A Moment, And Grew Very Pale. He Then

Spoke Slowly And In a Low Tone:

 

 

 

"To Fail After What You Have Said And After All Your Kindness Would Be

Terrible. To Continue My Old Vile Self, And Also Remember The Prospect

You Now Hold Out--What Could Be Worse? And Yet What I Shall Do, What I

Shall Be, God Only Knows. But In sending You To Me I Feel That He Has

Given Me One More Chance."

 

 

 

"Egbert," She Replied eagerly, "God Will Give You Chances As Long As You

Breathe. Only The Devil Will Tell You To Despair. He, _Never_. Remember

This Should You Grow Old In sin. To Tell You The Truth, However, As I

See You Going Out Into The World So Humbled, So Self-Distrustful, I Have

Far More Hope For You Than When You First Left This Place, Fully Assured

That You Were, In yourself, Sufficient For All Your Peculiar

Difficulties. And Now, Once More, Good-By, For A Time. I Will Do

Everything I Can For You. I Have Seen Mr. Growther To-Day, And He

Appears Very Willing That You Should Return To His House For The

Present. Strange Old Man! I Want To Know Him Better, For I Believe His

Evil Is Chiefly On The Outside, And Will Fall Off Some Day, To His Great

Surprise."

Chapter XXXII (A Sacred refrigerator)

The Glare Of The Streets Was Intolerable To Haldane After His

Confinement, And He Hastened through Them, Looking Neither To The Right

Hand Nor To The Left. A Growl From Mr. Growther'S Dog Greeted him As He

Entered, And The Old Man Himself Snarled:

 

 

 

"Well, I S'Pose You Stood Me As Long As You Could, And Then Went To

Prison For A While For A Change."

 

 

 

"You Are Mistaken, Mr. Growther; I Went To Prison Because I Deserved to

Go There, And It'S Very Good Of You To Let Me Come Back Again."

 

 

 

"No, It Ain'T Good Of Me, Nuther. I Want A Little Peace And Comfort, And

How Could I Have 'Em While You Was Bein' Kicked and Cuffed around The

Streets? Here, I'Ll Get You Some Dinner. I S'Pose They Only Gave You

Enough At Jail To Aggravate Your In'Ards."

 

 

 

"No, Nothing More, Please. Isn'T There Something I Can Do? I'Ve Sat

Still Long Enough."

 

 

 

Mr. Growther Looked at Him A Moment, And Then Said:

 

 

 

"Are You Sayin' That Because You Mean It?"

 

 

 

"Yes."

 

 

 

"Would You Mind Helpin' Me Make A Little Garden? I Know I Ought To Have

Done It Long Ago, But I'M One Of Those 'Crastinating Cusses, And

Rheumatic In the Bargain."

 

 

 

"I'Ll Make Your Garden On The One Condition That You Stand By And Boss

The Job."

 

 

 

"O, I'M Good At Bossin', If Nothing Else. There Ain'T Much Use Of

Plantin' Anything, Though, For Every Pesky Bug And Worm In town Will

Start For My Patch As Soon As They Hear On'T."

 

 

 

"I Suppose They Come On The Same Principle That I Do."

 

 

 

"They Hain'T So Welcome--The Cussed little Varmints! Some On 'Em Are So

Blasted mean That I Know I Ought To Be Easier On 'Em Just Out Of Feller

Feelin'. Them Cut-Worms Now--If They'D Only Take A Plant And Satisfy

Their Nateral Appetites On It, It Would Go A Good Ways, And The Rest O'

The Plants Would Have A Chance To Grow Out Of Harm'S Way; But The Nasty

Little Things Will Jest Eat 'Em Off Above The Ground, As If They Was Cut

In Two By A Knife, And Then Go On To Anuther. That'S What I Call A Mean

Way Of Gettin' A Livin'; But There'S Lots Of People Like 'Em In town,

Who Spile More Than They Eat. Then There'S The Squash-Bug. If It'S His

Nater To Eat Up The Vines I S'Pose He Must Do It, But Why In thunder

Must He Smell Bad Enough To Knock You Over Into The Bargain? It'S Allers

Been My Private Opinion That The Devil Made These Pests, And The Lord

Had Nothin' To Do With 'Em. The Idea That He Should Create A Rose, And

Then A Rose-Bug To Spile It, Ain'T Reconcilable To What Little Reason

I'Ve Got."

 

 

 

"Well,"