A KNIGHT OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY by Edward Payson Roe (world of reading .txt) 📖

Chapter XXX (Ideal Knighthood)

Mrs. Arnot Again Came Directly To The Youth And Put Her Hand On His

Shoulder With Motherly Freedom And Kindliness. Beyond Even The Word Of

Sympathy Is The Touch Of Sympathy, And It Often Conveys To The Fainting

Heart A Subtle Power To Hope And Trust Again Which The Materialist

Cannot Explain. The Divine Physician Often Touched those Whom He Healed.

He Laid His Hand Fearlessly On The Leper From Whom All Shrank With

Inexpressible Dread. The Moral Leper Who Trembled under Mrs. Arnot'S

Hand Felt That He Was Not Utterly Lost And Beyond The Pale Of Hope, If

One So Good And Pure Could Still Touch Him; And There Came A Hope, Like

A Ray Struggling Through Thick Darkness, That The Hand That Caressed

Might Rescue Him.

 

 

 

"Egbert," Said The Lady Gravely, "Tell Me What I Can Do For You."

 

 

 

"I Cannot Face The Consequences," He Replied in a Low, Shuddering Tone.

 

 

 

"And Do You Only Dread The Consequences?" Mrs. Arnot Asked sadly. "Do

You Not Think Of The Evil Which Is The Cause Of Your Trouble?"

 

 

 

"I Can Scarcely Separate The Sin From The Suffering. My Mind Is

Confused, And I Am Overwhelmed with Fear And Loneliness. All Who Are

Good And All That Is Good Seemed to Be Slipping From Me, And I Should

Soon Be Left Only To My Miserable Self. O, Mrs. Arnot, No Doubt I Seem

To You Like A Weak, Guilty Coward. I Seem So To Myself. If It Were

Danger Or Difficulty I Had To Face I Would Not Fear; But This Slow,

Inevitable, Increasing Pressure Of A Horrible Fate, This Seeing Clearly

That Evil Cuts Me Off From Hope And All Happiness, And Yet To Feel That

I Cannot Escape From It--That I Am Too Weak To Break My Chains--It Is

More Than I Can Endure. I Fear That I Should Have Gone Mad If You Had

Not Come. Do You Think There Is Any Chance For Me? I Feel As If I Had

Lost My Manhood."

 

 

 

Mrs. Arnot Took The Chair Which The Sheriff Had Brought On Her Entrance,

And Said Quietly, "Perhaps You Have, Egbert; Many A Man Has Lost What

You Mean By That Term."

 

 

 

"You Speak Of It With A Composure That I Can Scarcely Understand," Said

Haldane, With A Quick Glance Of Inquiry. "It Seems To Me An Irreparable

Loss."

 

 

 

"It Does Not Seem So Great A Loss To Me," Replied mrs. Arnot Gently. "As

Your Physician You Must Let Me Speak Plainly Again. It Seems To Me That

What You Term Your Manhood Was Composed largely Of Pride, Conceit,

Ignorance Of Yourself, And Inexperience Of The World. You Were Liable To

Lose It At Any Time, Just As You Did, Partly Through Your Own Folly And

Partly Through The Wrong Of Others. You Know, Egbert, That I Have Always

Been Interested in young Men, And What Many Of Them Regard As Their

Manhood Is Not Of Much Value To Themselves Or Any One Else."

 

 

 

"Is It Nothing To Be So Weak, Disheartened, And Debased that You Lie

Prostrate In the Mire Of Your Own Evil Nature, As It Were, And With No

Power To Rise?" He Asked bitterly.

 

 

 

"That Is Sad Indeed."

 

 

 

"Well, That'S Just My Condition--Or I Fear It Is, Though Your Coming Has

Brought A Gleam Of Hope. Mrs. Arnot," He Continued passionately, "I

Don'T Know How To Be Different; I Don'T Feel Capable Of Making any

Persistent And Successful Effort. I Feel That I Have Lost All Moral

Force And Courage. The Odds Are Too Great. I Can'T Get Up Again."

 

 

 

"Perhaps You Cannot, Egbert," Said Mrs. Arnot Very Gravely; "It Would

Seem That Some Never Do--"

 

 

 

He Buried his Face In his Hands And Groaned.

 

 

 

"You Have, Indeed, A Difficult Problem To Solve, And, Looking at It From

Your Point Of View, I Do Not Wonder That It Seems Impossible."

 

 

 

"Cannot You, Then, Give Me Any Hope?"

 

 

 

"No, Egbert; _I_ Cannot. It Is Not In my Power To Make You A Good

Man. You Know That I Would Do So If I Could."

 

 

 

"Would To God I Had Never Lived, Then," He Exclaimed, Desperately.

 

 

 

"Can You Offer God No Better Prayer Than That? Will You Try To Be Calm,

And Listen Patiently To Me For A Few Moments? When I Said _I_ Could

Not Give You Hope--_I_ Could Not Make You A Good Man--I Expressed

One Of My Strongest Convictions. But I Have Not Said, Egbert, That There

Is No Hope, No Chance, For You. On The Contrary, There Is Abundant

Hope--Yes, Absolute Certainty--Of Your Achieving a Noble Character, If

You Will Set About It In the Right Way. But As One Of The First And

Indispensable Conditions Of Success, I Wish You To Realize That The Task

Is Too Great For You Alone; Too Great With My Help; Too Great If The

World That Seems So Hostile Should Unite To Help You; And Yet Neither I

Nor All The World Could Prevent Your Success If You Went To The Right

And True Source Of Help. Why Have You Forgotten God In your Emergency?

Why Are You Looking Solely To Yourself And To Another Weak

Fellow-Creature Like Yourself?"

 

 

 

"You Are In no Respect Like Me, Mrs. Arnot, And It Seems Profanation

Even To Suggest The Thought."

 

 

 

"I Have The Same Nature. I Struggled vainly And Almost Hopelessly

Against My Peculiar Weaknesses And Temptations And Sorrows Until I Heard

God Saying, 'Come, My Child, Let Us Work Together. It Is My Will You

Should Do All You Can Yourself, And What You Cannot Do I Will Do For

You.' Since That Time I Have Often Had To Struggle Hard, But Never

Vainly. There Have Been Seasons When My Burdens Grew So Heavy That I Was

Ready To Faint; But After Appealing To My Heavenly Father, As A Little

Child Might Cry For Help, The Crushing Weight Would Pass Away, And I

Became Able To Go On My Way Relieved and Hopeful."

 

 

 

"I Cannot Understand It," Said The Young Man, Looking at Her In deep

Perplexity.

 

 

 

"That Does Not Prevent Its Being True. The Most Skilful Physician Cannot

Explain Why Certain Beneficial Effects Follow The Use Of Certain

Remedies; But When These Effects Become An Established fact Of

Experience It Were Sensible To Employ The Remedy As Soon As Possible.

One Might Suffer A Great Deal, And, Perhaps, Perish, While Asking

Questions And Waiting For Answers. To My Mind The Explanation Is Very

Simple. God Is Our Creator, And Calls Himself Our Father. It Would Be

Natural On General Principles That He Should Take A Deep Interest In us;

But He Assures Us Of The Profoundest Love, Employing Our Tenderest

Earthly Ties To Explain How He Feels Toward Us. What Is More Natural

Than For A Father To Help A Child? What Is More Certain, Also, Than That

A Wise Father Would Teach A Child To Do All Within His Ability To Help

Himself, And So Develop The Powers With Which He Is Endowed? Only

Infants Are Supposed to Be Perfectly Helpless."

 

 

 

"It Would Seem That What You Say Ought To Be True, And Yet I Have Always

Half-Feared god--That Is, When I Thought About Him At All. I Have Been

Taught That He Was To Be Served; That He Was A Jealous God; That He Was

Angry With The Sinful, And That The Prayers Of The Wicked were An

Abomination. I Am Sure The Bible Says The Latter Is True, Or Something

Like It."

 

 

 

"It Is True. If You Set Your Heart On Some Evil Course, Or Are

Deliberating Some Dishonesty Or Meanness, Be Careful How You Make Long

Or Short Prayers To God While Wilfully Persisting In your Sin. When A

Man Is Robbing and Cheating, Though In the Most Legal Manner--When He Is

Gratifying Lust, Hate, Or Appetite, And _Intends_ To _Continue_ Doing

So--The Less Praying He Does The Better. An Avowed infidel Is More

Acceptable. But The Sweetest Music That Reaches Heaven Is The Honest Cry

For Help To Forsake Sin; And The More Sinful The Heart That Thus Cries

Out For Deliverance The More Welcome The Appeal. Let Me Illustrate What

I Mean By Your Own Case. If You Should Go Out From This Prison In the

Same Spirit That You Did Once Before, Seeking To Gain Position And Favor

Only For The Purpose Of Gratifying Your Own Pride--Only That Self Might

Be Advantaged, Without Any Generous And Disinterested regard For Others,

Without Any Recognition Of The Sacred duties You Owe To God, And Content

With A Selfish, Narrow, Impure Soul--If, With Such A Disposition, You

Should Commence Asking For God'S Help As A Means To These Petty,

Miserable Ends, Your Prayers Would, And With Good Reason, Be An

Abomination To Him. But If You Had Sunk To Far Lower Depths Than Those

In Which You Now Find Yourself, And Should Cry Out For Purity, For The

Sonship Of A Regenerated character, Your Voice Would Not Only Reach Your

Divine Father'S Ear, But His Heart, Which Would Yearn Toward You With A

Tender Commiseration That I Could Not Feel Were You My Only Son."

 

 

 

The Sincerity And Earnestness Of Mrs. Arnot'S Words Were Attested by Her

Fast-Gathering Tears.

 

 

 

"This Is All New To Me. But If God Is So Kindly Disposed toward Us--So

Ready To Help--Why Does He Not Reveal Himself In this Light More

Clearly? Why Are We So Slow And Long In finding Him Out? Until You Came

He Seemed against Me."

 

 

 

"We Will Not Discuss This Matter In general. Take Your Own Experience

Again. Perhaps It Has Been Your Fault, Not God'S, That You Misunderstood

Him. He Tries To Show How He Feels Toward Us In many Ways, Chiefly By

His Written Word, By What He Leads His People To Do For Us, And By His

Great Mind Acting Directly On Ours. Has Not The Bible Been Within Your

Reach? Have None Of God'S Servants Tried to Advise And Help You? I Think

You Must Have Seen Some Such Effort On My Part When You Were An Inmate

Of My Home. I Am Here This Evening as God'S Messenger To You. All The

Hope I Have Of You Is Inspired by His Disposition And Power To Help You.

You May Continue To Stand Aloof From Him, Declining His Aid, Just As You

Avoided your Mother, And Myself All These Weeks When We Were Longing To

Help You; But If You Sink, Yours Will Be The Fate Of One Who Refuses To

Grasp The Strong Hand That Is And Ever Has Been Seeking Yours."

 

 

 

"Mrs. Arnot," Said Haldane Thoughtfully, "If All You Say Is True There

Is Hope For Me--There Is Hope For Every One."

 

 

 

Mrs. Arnot Was Silent For A Moment, And Then Said, With Seeming

Abruptness:

 

 

 

"You Have Read Of The Ancient Knights And Their Deeds, Have You Not?"

 

 

 

"Yes," Was The Wondering Reply, "But The Subject Seems Very Remote."

 

 

 

"You Are In a Position To Realize My Very Ideal Of Knightly Endeavor."

 

 

 

"I, Mrs. Arnot! What Can You Mean?"

 

 

 

"Whether I Am Right Or Wrong I Can Soon Explain What I Mean. The Ancient

Knight Set His Lance In rest Against What Seemed to Him The Wrongs And

Evils Of The World. In theory He Was To Be Without Fear And Without

Reproach--As Pure As The White Cross Upon His Mantle. But In fact The

Average Knight Was Very Human. His White Cross Was Soon Soiled by

Foreign Travel, But Too Often Not Before His Soul Was Stained with

Questionable Deeds. It Was A Life Of Adventure And Excitement, And

Abundantly Gratifying To Pride And Ambition. While It Could Be Idealized

Into A Noble Calling, It Too Often Ended in a Lawless, Capricious Career

Of Self-Indulgence. The Cross On The Mantle Symbolized the Heavy Blows

And Sorrows Inflicted on Those Who Had The Misfortune To Differ In

Opinion, Faith, Or Race With The Knight, The Steel Of Whose Armor

Seemingly Got Into His Heart, Rather Than Any Personal Self-Denial.

Without Any Moral Change On His Own Part, Or Being any Way Better Than

They, He Could Fight The Infidel Or Those Whose Views Differed from His

With Great Zest.

 

 

 

"But The Man Who Will Engage Successfully In a Crusade Against The Evil

Of His Own Heart Must Have The Spirit Of A True Knight, For He Attempts

The Most Difficult And Heroic Task Within The Limits Of Human Endeavor.

It Is Comparatively Easy To Run A Tilt Against A Fellow-Mortal, Or An

External Evil; But To Set Our Lance In rest Against A Cherished sin, A

Habit That Has Become Our Second Nature, And Remorselessly Ride It

Down--To Grapple With A Secret Fault In the Solitude Of Our Own Soul,

With No Applauding Hands To Spur Us On, And Fight And Wrestle For Weary

Months--Years