The Divine Comedy MMIX by Walt Sautter (e books free to read txt) 📖

he be pretty damn good at hoops, they started calling me Notso, not so good at hoops."
JESUS
"I see. What's your real name?"
NOTSO
"ISOKE - my mother said it means 'Airy One - like a bird' in Zulu"
JESUS
Not so Notso! It means 'Hairy One'in Swahili.
I think we'll keep calling you Notso."
(Jesus turns to the third Black Guy)
JESUS
"And your name?"
THIRD BLACK GUY
"TAFADZWA - my mamma said it means 'We are pissed."
JESUS
"No! No! It means 'We are pleased'in African Shona."
THIRD BLACK GUY
"No. She really meant 'We are pissed'. I was the last of ten kids."
JESUS
"Okay - TAFADZWA it is. Tafa for short.
How about you guys."
(he motions to the Asians)
ASIAN NUMBER ONE
"They call me the General."
JESUS
"Okay, General. What's your real name?"
ASIAN NUMBER ONE
"Tso Chic."
JESUS
"Oh, Like General Tso's Chicken?"
"And you?"
(he points to the other two)
ASIAN NUMBER TWO
"My name is Wai Lee. They call me The Bruce."
JESUS
"Like Bruce Lee?"
ASIAN NUMBER THREE
"No. Like Bruce Springstein. I'm a big fan."
JESUS (HE POINTS TO THE LAST ASIAN)
"How about you?"
ASIAN NUMBER THREE
"They call me Charlie."
JESUS
"Ah - Charlie Chan."
ASIAN NUMBER THREE
"No. Like Charlie Wong. That's my name."
(they continue to walk - Suddenly Hombre Primer runs up to Jesus)
HOMBRE PRIMER
"Boss! Boss! I just remembered. The boys and I gotta leave early today."
JESUS
"Gotta leave early? Why?"
HOMBRE PRIMER
"We gotta get ready to go the Hombre Dos's sister's wedding. It's tonight."
JESUS
"You guys have only been on the job one day and you're taking off early already?
(Jesus pauses to think)

Well, I guess it’s okay - but I've got to dock you."
HOMBRE DOS
"How about if you come too?"
JESUS
"All of us! Well, maybe then I could overlook that docking.
Okay! We'll go."
(that night - Jesus and the disciples enter the reception hall)
HOMBRE DOS
"Welcome. Let me introduce you to my sister and her new husband
Sis, this is my new boss Issy and his foreman Gab. He's the guy I've been telling you about."
(Hombre Primer calls Jesus aside for a moment)
HOMBRE DOS
"Listen Boss, did you notice my sister's upper lip?"
JESUS
"No. What do you mean?"
HOMBRE DOS
"The hair. It's very hairy!
I told her about my wart and that maybe you could help her out with the mostacho."
JESUS
"Well, it is her wedding day. Okay!"
(Jesus walks over to Hombre Dos's sister and runs his finger over her upper lip and the hair disappears)
GABRIELE
"That will be ten dollars please!"
HOMBRE DOS
"Ten dollars? How come the wart was only five?"
GABRIELE
"Out of network!"
(the husband hands Gabrielle a ten-dollar bill)
(the party continues)
(Suddenly from the crowd)
"No más cerveza!"
GABRIELE
"What did he say?"
JESUS
"He said 'No more beer!'
The beer ran out and it looks like the crowd is starting to get rowdy."

"I feel like I've been here before. You know like deja vu and I think I know exactly what to do."
(Jesus calls over the waiter)
"Bring me ten large pitchers of water."
(the waiter rushes into the kitchen. He and an assistant return with the pitchers and place them on the tables)
JESUS (MUTTERING TO HIMSELF)
"Now let's see if I can remember how this goes."
(He closes his eyes, waves his hands right over left
The crowd is silent
Jesus opens his eyes and the water is unchanged)
JESUS (TO HIMSELF IN A LOW VOICE)
"Oh, now, I remember - wine to water is right over left. Water to beer is left over right."

He closes his eyes again, and this time waves his hands left over right)
Loud applause rises from the crowd, Jesus opens his eyes and in each pitcher the water has been transformed into beer - the party continues)
(Suddenly, he doors of the kitchen spring open and the owner of the hall rushes toward Jesus carrying a sheet of paper)

HALL OWNER
"Do you see this? This is the contract for the hall rental. What does it say right there?
(he points angrily)
'No outside alcohol'
Now either you get rid of that beer or I'll kick you all out!"
(Jesus looks at the contract closely)
JESUS
"The man's right. That's what it says."
(Jesus closes his eyes, waves his hands in the oppose direction and the beer turns back into water.
The crowd again begins boo)
GABRIELE
"What are we going to do now?"
JESUS
"No problemo."
(He reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out the credit card him Father had given him. He stands before the group with both arms raised, with the credit card in hand)

"Peace I say unto you.
Look at the birds of the air, they neither toil nor reap yet their Father feeds them.
Look at the lilies of the field, they neither sow nor spin yet their Father clothes them.
Are you less than they in his eyes?"
(a voice from the crowd yells)
"What the hell does all that mean?"
JESUS
"It means, my son - 'Open bar' on me"
(and Jesus hands the credit card to the owner and the crowd cheers)
(the next morning Jesus and Gabrielle awake and are getting ready for the day ahead)
JESUS
"Hurray up. I want to get down to Bob's Sporting Goods Store."
GABRIELE
"Sporting Goods Store for what?"
JESUS
"Well, last night was pretty embarrassing. When I turned the water into to beer at the wedding my first try didn't work.
All because I forgot one little thing."
GABRIELE
"What's that got to do with Sporting Goods?"
JESUS
"Well, last night, after we got back, you fell asleep. I stayed up and was watching the football game."
GABRIELE
"So?"
JESUS
"I noticed that every time they went back to the huddle, the quarterback looked at his wrist. Then the announcer said that he had the play list written there on a wristband.
I'm going to get one of those wristbands and put all the miracles on it.
No more embarrassing screw ups for me!"
GABRIELE
"Wow! What a great idea.
Now I see why they say that you possess all the wisdom of the universe, Boss"


(several days pass and Jesus and his followers are walking the streets continuing to search for new disciplines)
(it is late in the afternoon)

JESUS
"I don't know about you but I'm famished."
GABRIELE
"We haven't eaten since this morning and that continental breakfast at the hotel wasn't very good either."
(As they pass an alleyway a voice is heard from the shadows)
VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS
"Psst! Jesus! Over here."
GABRIELE
"Who's that?"
JESUS
"I'm not sure but the voice sure sounds familiar."
(Jesus walks over to the alley way)
JESUS
"It's you again. Don't you ever give up?"
VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS
"I heard you say you were hungry.
If you are the Son of God, tell these scrap papers on the ground in this alley to become Burger King coupons."
JESUS
"It is written: 'Man does not live on Whoppers alone."
(Jesus is then taken to the top of the tallest building in the city)
VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS
If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down. For it is written:
"He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'"
JESUS
"Without a bungee cord! What? Are you nuts?"
(Jesus is then taken a scenic overlook. He and the Voice walk over to the binoculars and the Voice puts in a quarter)
VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS
"Here look through these. All this I will give you, if you will bow down and worship me."
JESUS
"What kind of fool do you think I am? This is the old 'I have a bridge to sell you' trick.
Away from me, Satan!"
(Jesus reappears back along side of Gabrielle)
GABRIELE
"Who was that?"
JESUS
"Satan, the Devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Old Scratch, The Antichrist, Evil one, The Ruler of Demons, The Tempter, The Beast, you know, same old guy."
GABRIELE

"You know, we're having some trouble rounding up a white contingent."
JESUS
"And what about women? We need women too. And native Americans?"
GABRIELE
"I know. We're working on it. And we also need some of the handicapped."
JESUS
"No.
We can't do that because everybody will say 'Why don't you heal them?' and I'd look pretty bad if I didn't. Then if they're healed we'd be back to having no handicaps.
It would be a vicious circle, so I hate to do it but I have to cut them out.
No disabled disciplines!"
(They continue to walk and approach a group of women standing in front of a bar smoking cigarettes)
GABRIELE
"Hello girls."
GIRLS
"Who you calln' girls, Shortie?"
(Gabrielle turns to Jesus)
GABRIELE
"Am I really that short?"
JESUS
"Don't worry about it. I'll fix that later."
GABRIELE (TURNS BACK TO THE GIRLS)
"No. We're just trying to get some women to work for us."
GIRLS
"What are you? Some kind of pimp or somethin'?
We're just out here to have smoke not to get hustled."
GABRIELE
"You don't understand. He's Jesus Christ and.."
GIRLS
"You don't understand. I'm the Virgin Mary, here's Mary Magdolin and that's Joan of Arc over there.

Now if you guys don't get out of here, I'm goin' to call Pontius Pilate over there and get your asses arrested."
(she points to a cop across the street)
(they moves on)
GABRIELE
"That didn't work out too good. I wonder why they were so mean?"
JESUS
"I think I spied a few demons back there. I probably should have done a little casting out like I did with the kid in Tyre that time. That might have helped to make them a bit nicer."
GABRIELE
"Yeah, I remember that. You really turned the kid around.
No more tantrums, no more whining, no more pestering, no more back talk. You even got her to brush her teeth."
(Gabrielle is silent for a while)
GABRIELE
"By the way Boss, when are we going to deal with my 'short' problem?"
JESUS
"Are you pestering me already? I told you later."
(they continue to walk - GABRIELLE again silent)
GABRIELE
"When later?"
JESUS
"Oh man you don't quit! I don't want to do this on the street right here. I can't concentrate with all this noise.
I need a nice quiet place.
Alright let's go over to the Dunkn' Donuts"
(they walk into the coffee shop)
JESUS
"Okay - we'll do it in the bathroom."
(they both enter the men's room)
(Jesus checks the miracle list on the wristband)
JESUS
"Alright, you've got to get down on your knees for this one. This is a pretty tough miracle."
(Gabrielle gets down on his knees in front of Jesus)
(suddenly the door swings open and the manager appears)
MANAGER
"I thought I heard you guys talking about doing it in the men's and I was right.
You better get out of here right now or I'll have you arrested for public lewdness.
And don't come back!"
(Gabrielle and Jesus leave the coffee shop)
JESUS
"See that? I told you later and couldn't wait.
You know patience is a virtue.
You know what I'm tempted to do? Make pestering a sin! And it will be all your fault.
Every kid in the world will be piling up sins day after day after day. It will be all your on you!
Do you want that on your conscience?"
(Gabrielle replies meekly)
GABRIELE
"No Boss."
JESUS
"Alright then, keep quiet