The Divine Comedy MMIX by Walt Sautter (e books free to read txt) 📖

and don't bother me again.
And by way, don't mention any of this to the others. It's very embarrassing."
(they join the other on the sidewalk)
(as the walk they pass a group of white guys standing on the corner all dressed in athletic tee shirt with bulging biceps and tattoos)
GABRIELE
"Hey Boss. Maybe we can recruit these guys. I see one of them has a cross on his arm and the other has your picture on his shoulder."
JESUS
"I think you're right. Let's talk to them.
Hey Big Ass. We'd like to talk to you guys for a minute."
WHITE GUY ONE
"Who you callin' me 'Big Ass'. What are you some kinda smart guy lookin' for a beatin'."
GABRIELE
"What is the matter with you? Why are you calling this guy 'Big Ass'?"
JESUS
"That's what that Chinese tattoo on his arm says. Translated it means 'Call me Big Ass' so I called him 'Big Ass'."
(the white guys take a threatening step toward Jesus)
(Jesus raises his hand points to the tattoo on WHITE GUY ONE'S arm)
JESUS
"No. It says right there on your arm 'Call me 'Big Ass'' in Chinese."
WHITE GUY ONE
"No it doesn't, it says 'Man of Steel'. The guy who put on told me that."
JESUS
"See that second symbol? He spelled it wrong. See that little loop on the end there?"
(Jesus points to the tattoo)
"That should loop up not down. Loop up means 'Man of Steel', loop down means 'Call me Big Ass'."
(Jesus calls over the Asian guys and points to the tattoo)
ASIAN NUMBER ONE
"Loop down, 'Call me Big Ass'"
(Jesus gestures to ASIAN GUY TWO)
ASIAN NUMBER TWO
"'Call me Big Ass'"
(Jesus gestures to ASIAN GUY THREE)
ASIAN NUMBER THREE
"'Call me Big Ass'"
JESUS
"There you go. Four to one. It says 'Call me Big Ass'."
WHITE GUY ONE
"What am I gonna do now?
I got the 'Big Ass' tattoo thing down both arms and on my ass."
JESUS
"I think I can help. Come over here and roll up your sleeve."
(Jesus rubs his hand over the tattoo and it disappears)
"Now the other arm."
(Again Jesus runs his hand over the other arm and the tattoo disappears)
"Okay now pull the back of your pants down."
(Again Jesus runs his hand over the tattoo and it disappears)
(At that minute the coffee shop manager happens to walk by)
MANAGER
"Didn't I just kick you out of my shop for that stuff? Here you are doing the same thing again. I guess you gays just can't control yourselves.
'Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind'
Remember Sodom and Gomora!.

That's from the Bible, just in case you haven't read it."
JESUS
"That was before I was born."
MANAGER
"I hate wise guy fags."
(he walks away shaking his head)
GABRIELE
"What was he talking about Sodom and Gomora?"
JESUS
"You remember. Lot, the pillar of salt all that stuff."
GABRIELE
"Oh, yes. Now I remember. That was when your Father always was in a really crabby mood.
He was smoting people right and left. He even played nasty tricks on some of his best people like Job and Abraham. He always wanted to check to see if they really loved him.
Insecurity I guess.
Then, I remember some of the archangels got together and suggested that he go into therapy and take some angry management classes. It really helped.
After about the fifth or sixth session he got a lot nicer."

(the group continues to walk)
GABRIELE
"What about the Indians, Boss? We've got the Latinos, the Asians, the Blacks, the Whites. We still need Indians and gays!"
(White guy 'Big Ass' over hears the conversation)
BIG ASS
"There's this Indian guy that lives next to me. He from Mumbai but I don't think you'd want him.
He hardly speaks English and he's already got a job. He's a telephone tech support for Dell Computers."
JESUS
"No. We mean Native Americans."
BIG ASS
"Oh! You mean real Indians. Well, my bud over there is part Indian, I means Native American."
(he points to the other white guy in the group)
GABRIELE
"What do you mean, 'Part Indian'?
BIG ASS
"Well, his grandfather was Chief Thunder Thud on the Howdy Doody Show in the fifties."
GABRIELE
"Kawabonga! That means he's - let’ see - a quarter Native American. Is that okay Boss?"
JESUS
"I think so. But wait. What tribe was that?"
(Big Ass yells to the other white guy)
BIG ASS
"What tribe was your grandfather in? Was it the Tinka Tonka or the Sigafoose?"
OTHER WHITE GUY
"Princess Summerfall Winterspring was a Tinka Tonka and Buffalo Bob's grandfather was a Sigafoose. My grand pop was a Ooragnak."
JESUS
"Okay. He'll do. Check off the Native Americas.
Oh, by the way what's your Native American name?"
WHITE GUY TWO
"Third Thud."
BIG ASS
"Listen. Didn't you say you need gays too?"
GABRIELE
"Sure we do."
BIG ASS
"Would a trany count?"
GABRIELE
"What do you think, Boss?"
JESUS
"Well, we went for a quarter Native American. I guess a transsexual could fill in for a gay.
What's his name?"
(Big Ass points to the third white guy in the group)
BIG ASS
"They call him is Usta."
GABRIELE
"Like 'Use to be'?"
BIG ASS
"Right on, Shortie."
(they continue walk)

ACT IV

GABRIELE
"Hey, Boss. We got all our guys now. Isn't it time to start spreading the Word?"
JESUS
"I think so.
I saw on the map in the hotel that there's a nice big park down this street.
Let's go look it over."
(they continue to walk to the park)
GABRIELE
"Wow! This looks great. It's big enough for good crowd and there's a mount right over there."
(he points to a small knoll)
"But - No olive trees.
Wait a minute - you know they make some great looking artificial trees today. We can buy some fake olive trees and just put them around. Staging, ya know."
HOMBRE PRIMER
"Listen, Amigos.
You've gotta have some entertainment or you're not going to get anybody to come. You need a band, food and maybe some girls too."
EL HOMBRE NÚMERO DOS
"Si!"
GABRIELE
"You know, I think they're right. Times have changed. Everybody wants show biz."
JESUS
"I think I can cover the food part. How about loaves and fishes?"
HEBE PRETTY
" Loaves and fishes?
You mean like fish sandwiches?"
NOTSO
"Fish sandwiches! Are you nuts?
Look what happened to Arthur Treacher's! Nobody wants fish sandwiches.
We gotta have Popeye's or KFC!"
HOMBRE DOS
"I'm votin' for Taco Bell!"
ASIAN NUMBER ONE
"My uncle owns 'Ding Ho Palace'. I can get shrimp rolls wholesale."
NOTSO
"Hey my brother's a rapper. He can do the warm-up show."
GABRIELE
"What kind of rapping does he do? Pimps and whores stuff is not going work."
NOTSO
"No - I'll talk to him. If we give him some time he can probably do some rap hymns like 'Onward Christian Homies' or 'O Silent Night - Opps - Now I'm Hearin' Gun Shots'."
ASIAN NUMBER THREE
"Hey - My Uncle has a band."
GABRIELE
"What does he play?"
ASIAN NUMBER THREE
"He plays the bonang."
GABRIELE
"What's that?"
ASIAN NUMBER THREE
"It is one of the lead instruments in Javanese Gamelan music. The Bonang is composed of a double-row of horizontally mounted tuned bronze kettle gongs and is usually played with two padded tabuhs. All of the kettles have a central boss, but around it the lower-pitched ones have a flattened head, while the higher ones have an arched one...."
GABRIELE
"Never mind. We'll go with Notso's brother."
ASIAN NUMBER ONE
“Hey, how about we have a raffle too?”
GABRIELE
“Great idea. We could sell potato chips and whoever gets the bag with a chip that looks like your mother wins. What do you think Boss?”

JESUS
“Sure!
But what are we going to raffle off?”
GABRIELE
“How about everlasting life?”
JESUS
“No can do – that’s Dad’s department.”
GABRIELE
“How about a gift basket of miracles for the whole family?”
JESUS
“That’s an idea.”
GABRIELE
“How about a full year of late night television movies with no Ginso Knife or Chia Pet ads?”
JESUS
“I like the basket I idea better.”
GABRIELE
“Okay, but let’s have a grand prizes too.
How about a plenary indulgence for the first prize and the second grand will be two partial indulgences, one you and one for a friend.”
JESUS
“Sounds good.”
NOTSO
“What’s an indulgence?”
GABRIELE
“It’s like a get out of purgatory free card.”
NOTSO
“My brother-in-law was in Attica for armed robbery. That was in New York. What state is purgatory in?”
GABRIELE
“Never mind!”
(as they stand at the entrance to the park planning the event a cop walks up to them)
COP
"What are you guys doing. Loitering I suppose."
GABRIELE
"No. We're going to have a rally here."
COP
"A rally! Do you have a permit?
As a matter of fact - let me see - how many people are here now?"
(he pauses and looks the group over)
JESUS
"Fourteen."
COP
"You might need a permit right now. I have to look this up. Hold on a minute."
(he takes a small book from his back pocket and thumbs through it)

"Oh yeah. Here it is right here. Section 4-12:5. 'Crowds of ten or more require a park permit. Usage of facilities without a permit is subject to a fine of fifty dollars'.
Looks like I gotta write you a ticket."
GABRIELE
"A ticket for what?"
COP
"Just like I said. Using the park without a permit."
"Here. You can pay this down at city hall when you get your permit for your rally."
(the cop writes out the ticket hands it to Jesus and walks away.)
(the group walks to city hall)
JESUS
"We would like to get a permit to use the park for a rally."
WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
"Wait here."
(she leaves the counter and is gone for thirty minutes - she reappears with several sheets of paper in hand and a large coffee stain down the front of her blouse)

"Look Honey, ya made me rush and look what happened."
(she points to the stain)

"Here, fill these out and bring 'em back and don't be comin' back around ten. It's my break."
JESUS
"Look at all these questions. Father's name, mother's maiden name, last employment, and down here at the bottom, a two hundred and fifty word essay on 'Why We Must Keep Our Parks Clean'."
GABRIELE
"Let's see - your name - 'Isus Hristos' - no put down Izzy Hristos - Isus sounds a little too Muslim.
Father's name - Joe Christ - no let's put in Joe Hristo.
And mother's maiden? What was your mother's maiden name?"
JESUS
"She was always a maiden. Haven't you read the Bible?"
GABRIELE
"That's right! Okay then, put down Mary Hristo."
(they fill out the forms and return them the next day - at nine o'clock)
WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
"Mr. Hristo. I see here that you will be having entertainment at your event. Is that true?"
JESUS
"Yes"
(she disappears and returns in several minutes)
WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
"You'll have to fill out one of these."
(she hands him several sheets of paper)
JESUS
"What's this?"
WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
"Application for an entertainment license.
Oh, and what's this I see here? You're going to use artificial plants in your event. You'll need a landscaping license application.
And food and beverages will be served. That requires a food handler's license.
What kind of beverages will be served, Mr. Hristo?"
JESUS
"Wine."
WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
"Will children be