Alphabet Slave by Kaila Carper (book recommendations for teens txt) 📖

J it seems like a good letter for him. J was my best friend he was a year older than me. We grew up in this neighborhood he always took care of me. He warned me but I did not listen. I need him now… and he is not here. No one is here anymore. He went away to college, besides I could not bother him with my stupid problems. I am sure he has more concerning matters.
I guess I never appreciated anything until now. That what I mean is I appreciated it to late because now all of it is gone. All crumbled away… A tear escapes but I quickly wipe it away. I can not let my feelings get to me. Wait I can not keep this mask up all the time. Eventually I will break… I have to relax and let it out sometime. I crinkle my toes together and then spread them out. I need a distraction… something… you know maybe I will just wonder the streets tonight. I can not sleep anyway. Might as well do anything. Its not like anyone will miss me. They probably will not even know I left. Then if I get tired during tomorrow I will just leave school. Or find a more safer place to crash. I don’t want another run in with the enemy. Yes let me consider him the enemy. He is the enemy because of how he makes me feel. Its unacceptable to me. I have to much on my mind to even think about that. Is it his fault this all happened. Partially I guess… its his fault he couldn’t keep calm. His hands just had a mind of their own I guess. It was partially annoying. Yet at the time I had never felt anything like that before so I willingly accepted it. I did not think about the future I did not think that it would turn out like this. If only I had not heard that… if only I had not done that. So does the blame lie mostly on me? Is it because I overheard a few things I shouldn’t have? Is it because I didn’t know… I knew to late and there was nothing I could do. It was already gone and done. You can’t blame me because I did not know.
The image comes into my head again. Wondering down the hallway towards that classroom. There is a small crack in the door. I smile and tiptoe ready to surprise him. My stupid childish dreams float around in my head. I get closer to the door and hear giggling. Someone else is in there… someone else… not me. He tells her to calm down. She asks him what’s going on with him that she has seen him with someone around in the next town. Yes we had to go to another town because he was to ashamed. It was immoral, improper I guess. The summer breeze drifts through the air and twirls my hair around. I expect for him to defend everything for him to stand up and say that it is none of her business. Yet all he does is sit there and laugh. He tells her that it was a joke that he is messing around with some girl he just met. My heart became broken… but that is not all. It got much worse after that. I refused to see him. He wondered why not even knowing that I heard. What a jerk! Oh yes but it got worse. Much worse… right before school started… I can not even mention it now. I wish I could accept that. Yet I can not it is… not something easily spoken.
I can’t stay here. There are to many memories linked with this place. This place where I use to wait. This place where I dreamed and had hopes. Those things are dead to me now. There is no hope for me I have no dreams. They were burnt to the ground in a tragic fire. No one even tried to rescue them either… I could not even care. I open my eyes and look around. It is probably near midnight by now. The best time to wander the streets. I wipe away the tears and make sure to dry my face. I turn on my small lamp no one would notice it is on. I touch up my make-up and get on my clothes for tomorrow. I will probably not come back for tonight. It is better like this. I have to believe that. I will believe… I am daring myself to be brave. I am also daring myself to get over this. Maybe I need a new change. I don’t think I could handle a new relationship. Yet maybe something else a new hobby or something. Who knows…
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My head flops from side to side. This place is surprisingly boring. All I see is stupid drunk people. I am glad I am not one of them. I could be worse I could be like that. I could throw out everything and drown myself in alcohol. You know at the moment that does not sound to bad. What am I thinking? A strange glimmer of my past self comes up. She is sunshiny with cute braids in her hair. I miss those days… I was so simple and easy minded to easily fooled. I stop my head and look over the booth. At least there is decent entertainment. Well when I can see them at least. Most of the people are up and dancing around shoving their butts everywhere. Its horrifying maybe I should catch this on tape… it would make for a really funny blackmail video. I could go up to them and ask hey do you remember that night? If they say no then I could laugh and say well I certainly do. Then I could either leave them puzzled or show them the tape or just blackmail them with the information I have. I click my tongue… maybe I am thinking to much. It is the surroundings I guess that is making me think like this. A voice comes over the speaker now and announces that they are taking a break. The people scream and some boo. Wow… these people need to stop drinking. How can someone waste their whole lives in a place like this? I shouldn’t even be here. Why am I here again? Oh yes distraction… I am surprised they even let me in. The guy looked at me once and just let me in. Weird I wonder why…
I hear snickering and look up. A group of use to be popular high school girls walks by. You can tell by the cloud of perfume and the hot pink nails. As well as the overdone make up although I guess I have no room to speak. At least I didn’t go 80’s… maybe I will do that next week. It would be interesting. At least it would entertain me. I could change my theme each week… sounds fun but I don’t think I have the heart for that. I sigh and then inhale deeply. I look down at the floor which is littered with various objects. There is one which I believe to be a condom… why it is doing on the middle of the floor is beyond me. People are so weird. There is a weird shuffling noise and the seat I am sitting on moves slightly. Since it is a round booth someone might have sat on the other side. Its not like I was trying to monopolize the whole booth.

‘You over there what’s your name?’

I look up and then over at the person sitting next to me. I was right someone did sit down. He has dark hair and I think he is wearing eyeliner. I am just going to ignore that. Must keep face blank. What makes him think I am going to answer him anyway?

‘I asked you a question!’

Maybe he is drunk as well. If so then he is a violent drunk. I am saying this because of his tone. He does not seem friendly but he seems harmless. At the moment not many people could really hurt or harm me. I tilt my head and arch my eyebrow.

‘Maybe she doesn’t want to talk to you.’

Another person appears out of nowhere. Where are these people coming from? Are they like rabbits coming from a magicians hat? I lower my eyes at the new person. He looks familiar… I am not sure I like how he looks. I admit he does seem handsome but so does his friend. So that doesn’t mean anything. The only difference is that this guy can take a hint. As well as he is wearing maybe mascara on top of the eyeliner. Maybe he is a cross dresser. Who knows? I look away and focus to the distance. I am starting to feel tired… maybe I should have stayed home.

‘Who doesn’t want to talk to me? Everyone always wants to talk to me!’

I can still hear their annoying voices. So the one guy is a bit egotistical. That’s nice on top of the already annoying attitude. That makes it so much better. Yes I should have stayed home. It is interesting watching the drunks but still… I can tell that one of them is moving closer to me. They better not touch me.

‘So hey you what’s your name?’

I look back over at him my eyes lowered. He is really asking me that? I think I am just going to leave. It was a mistake to come here. Yet where else is there to go? This guy is quite interesting looking. He seems to be… well possibly a pervert. He has that look to him. He is smirking strangely at me its kind of creepy.

‘Just leave her alone.’

I look over at the other guy. I don’t like how he looks he reminds me of someone. He smiles at me and nods his head. Then he walks away shaking his head. Oh great now I am alone with the freak. I’m leaving no more delaying this. I stand up and walk past him. I am just going to find a different place to hide out. Maybe the library would be a good place. No they would get to suspicious. There is not many places to go. If I wandered the streets the police would get suspicious. Unless I just stay in my room with the door locked watching the outside world. Which that just does not sound entertaining. I take one last look at the place. In a way I envy these people. They are secure enough to be like this. I can not even do that. Outside the air is more cold or so I guess. I have been reprogrammed not to feel it. I inhale deeply and exhale watching my breathe turn white and then disappear. I can not hold myself up any longer. My knees begin to shake and I fall down to the ground. I am to weak for this. I wish I were stronger, if I were stronger nothing would bother me. Yet everything bothers me… tears start to well up in my eyes. Why am I crying? I close my eyes but some tears manage to escape. So much for no emotions…

‘You shouldn’t be on the ground like that.’

I don’t care, I don’t care… I dared myself to be brave. Yet I can not even hold onto that. Everything always slips away from me. I guess I should get use to that. I can not even say that I am completely sane. That is because