The 'she' Confused: Part I by S. Mariah (korean ebook reader TXT) 📖

My dad was absent during my childhood…

Once upon a time, there was a young girl living in public housing with her family - her parents, grandparents and her other three older sisters. She wasn’t the favourite among the others in her grandparents’ eyes since she didn’t or couldn’t talk much when she was very little, she didn’t or couldn’t even giggle when her grandparents or parents tickled her! Well, yeah…she showed no signs of any emotional responses and that’s why maybe she really couldn’t talk or giggle at all! Can you actually imagine a baby cannot giggle at all when someone tickles her??!! That can explain why she wasn’t anyone’s favourite.

She and one of her other sisters loved to play ‘police game’ - one being the police, the other being the thief chasing one another up and down outside the corridor and stairways when she was about the age of 6-8 as they loved their favourite tv drama so much that they were mimicking ….”You are under arrest, stop right now because I’m going to handcuff you!” Shouted the police to the thief out in the corridor. Other times, you found her playing basketball or football down the park somewhere, friending all the boys (or strangers) on the street for a football game till late night. Since she loved to watch tv drama, she also loved many singers and she found herself mimicking her favourite male singer, that’s how her ‘wonderland’ trip has made an official launch!

So, can you guess what her name actually is? Since I have given you some tips with the keyword ‘wonderland’?? Pause and Think, okay here you go - her name is ALICE - she could possibly be the most curious Alice in her own ‘wonder-wonder’ wonderland! Her ‘wonderland’ seems to last for quite a long time before she could break forth and live in the ‘real’ world where she finally found out what her ‘true’ identity is…I am actually telling a ‘real’ story here…..believe it or not! Who am I? Have a guess? I am the ‘NEW’ Alice writing here…..by the way I have gotten myself a brand new name too, I am no longer the Alice in the ‘wonderland’ ...Just so you know…..

Hmmm...how about her parents then? Are they part of the ‘wonder’ land? They were the most common type of parents - working parents. They worked so hard for the family as there were SIX people in the family, oh actually not just six but plus two more - the grandparents, and so altogether EIGHT people living in the tuna-canned public housing unit. Still, they lived quite happily together for some time….things only started shaking up for her family when her dad’s own business got bankrupt which caused him to finally decide to start his new business oversea - to set up a garment factory in a remote place, far away….far away from home - Bangladesh and then Sri Lanka.

Little did Alice know back then that this business idea was originally from her mum and for the sake of her husband’s future, she decided to let go of her emotional dependency on the man, she carried all the responsibilities to raise up her FOUR daughters and also looking after her mother and father in laws at home. Alice started to have the bitter resentment growing inside her brains, thinking her dad as a ‘useless’ man in the whole world - isn’t that exaggerating?? Oh well, poor little Alice knew nothing about the fact, no one has ever attempted to explain things to her either! So….the more resentment that grows inside her brains, the more heated anger and hatred planted deeply right down her heart towards her dad. Heated anger and hatred can plant something real evil in all of us, don’t ever let it grow inside of you! As the ‘wonderland’ trip has officially begun, I welcome you on board, please buckle up and sit still...more adventures ahead in the ‘wonderland’ - she gets ‘confused’, ‘hurt’, ‘broken’, ‘struggled’ and oh….you could name all the ‘negative’ things in her basket lists. The end story wasn’t that bad thankfully though her life story was already like a roller-coaster to you. Again - please buckle up and you will be fine.

The ‘confused’ Alice groomed herself in a way that no one could have imagined a girl would do - she exaggerated herself with the super spiky hairstyle, the super ‘wide’ legs jeans, the super ‘loose’ tees, the super ‘chubby’ boots on her tiny teeny feet. She did look so different compared to other girls back then and most girls would have thought that Alice was a ‘boy’. Ah...this Alice had achieved her goal of fooling around - fooling most of her audience! Naughty, wasn’t she? She eventually fell into the epidemic of her ‘wonderland’ - an epidemic of ‘deception’.

‘Alice’ is hand-crafted to be a beautiful girl in the eyes of her Creator, the enemy hated the fact and replaced it with a whole bunch of ‘lies’ in order to deceive many, not just ‘Alice’. As ‘Alice’ has fallen into the ‘wonderland’, she took on all the deceptive ideas and mindsets to make them hers - she thinks, acts and looks exactly like a ‘boy’ and she saw everything as ‘normal’ for her. She welcomed her ‘new’ and ‘moderated’ image without much thought, she was so convinced that she was just born to be this way. Hmmm….Her life meant to be the radiance of God’s glory, shining forth for all to see that many might also experience the richness of God’s great love. ‘Alice’ has gone off the road and went into a ‘detour’ in most of her teenage life...losing her focus and purpose in life, aiming for nothing but an unrealistic image carrying on her heart and mind, damaging and burying her real identity to a point where she hated and rejected herself very harshly. Poor little ‘Alice’ in her wonderland.

Who can actually rescue her out of the wandering-wonderland?? What an isolated place to be in - living in your own world, creating your own identity and story….The wandering has been so long for ‘Alice’ to travel on….it’s rough, not smooth. The ‘deception’ battle kept raging on against her, she was so powerless to resist even though in her heart, there’s a tiny little voice reminding who she is, a gentle whispering voice of God. Somehow, the battle was so fierce that she could only win it by submitting her life and trusting totally in God, accepting what God designed her identity to be. It took ‘Alice’ many years to actually realise her true identity as a ‘female’, as a ‘girl’ not a boy. In her late 20s, she started to walk with God (read the Bible and pray regularly) and one day in her early 30s, she happened to see a Christian counselor, she followed the suggestion of praying a ‘repentance prayer’ to forgive someone that has hurt her deeply, she made it and prayed for forgiveness ….What a painful experience that she found her tears dropping onto the floor, with her fists punching the pillow so hard for about one hour or two! Long suffering??

Have you ever tried punching something so hard until all your energy is consumed? She sincerely asked God to forgive her and guide her to also forgive others! What a relief she received afterwards….She felt a great sense of joy in her life as she let go of her past hurt, let go of her father! As the days go by, she sensed the attitude in her has been changing from worse to bad, bad to okay and then all good towards her dad. Oh what a relief, what a miracle indeed!! Who would have thought that she could forgive and move on...not just move on but she has installed a new pair of lens - which helped her to see her dad in a NEW LIGHT - her dad is a ‘new’ man in her eyes that she no longer sees him as a ‘useless’ kind of man.

Hallelujah to the God most high for helping the helpless ‘Alice’ to regain her true identity. Seeing her dad in a new light has given ‘Alice’ a new adventure in knowing guys around her, the more she learned about ‘men’, the more that she found herself having an interest in ‘men’........This ‘Alice’ has so much to do indeed! In Part II, the ‘She’ will no longer be confused, the ‘She’ will be recovered. Let’s join the journey of Alice in Part II and see what ‘changes’ that bring her wounded self-image healing!

Publication Date: 09-11-2020

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Dedication:
It's not an ordinary story book....because the author herself is writing her very own story. Will you join Alice for her life journey? Be amazed and know that miracle does happen.