Parent With Purpose by Tiffany Mitchell (the chimp paradox TXT) 📖

they understand that it is perfectly normal to have those types of feelings.

 

When you have this kind of openness they will be more comfortable with coming to you. They will learn to respect your opinion and seek your guidance through all of their challenges. This is a great foundation for a trusting relationship. In the event that they may be moving in the wrong direction you really have the opportunity to know ahead of time and help them through things rather than finding out about things when it’s too late.

 

Use everyday situations to address and open up the discussion about big issues. There are so many things that we come into contact with while going about a routine day that can really assist and open up the door for a conversation about things.  Always take the initiative to address your beliefs and values despite the age. Communicate all day, all the time. It will after awhile become second nature not only for you to discuss important situations and enforce the values and morals but it will also become second nature for them to come to you with their experience. A value in the exchange of information is created and the new level of understanding and closeness is developed.

 

 If a program is on television and you see someone handling a situation wrong in a movie you can say that behavior is not appropriate and this is why. You see an ad about drugs you can explain the effects that drugs can have on someone. Everything around you is a tool for teaching. Whether it is situations, family circumstances or just things that may be observed on television offer you a new topic for discussion. It allows you to address and restate your position on things.

 

It is important that when using these outside learning tools that you talk about it using conversational talk and not lecture talk. You don’t want to make your kids feel as though they are being lectured to about things they don’t even have an attachment too. You want to just speak in a way that addresses what is in front of you. A really great way to do this is to let them take the lead on the conversation. This allows you to see where they really are on things.  Your children are a lot smarter then you may think. They will surprise you with the level of understanding they have about life and everyday situations. One way to see this is to ask them questions. For example if you see someone’s outside acting inappropriately you can ask “what you think about how they handled it?” Their answer will give you a deeper understanding on how they perceive things and offer you the opportunity to correct or validate their beliefs.

Allowing them to navigate through the conversations based on your questions will also allow for an age appropriate conversation. You will know at what level they are so that you do not divulge more information then what is needed at that time.

 

Understand that you can talk about anything at every age it just has to be appropriate for their level of understanding.   If a very young child hears the word drugs or sees someone who is very visibly affected by drugs. You can just say drugs are things that make you very sick. It’s simple and age appropriate but they know from a very early age that drugs are not something they want to come in contact with. As they get older you can continue to offer them more information on the subject until the time comes when you can have a full conversation on it.  By that time comes you had already built up somewhat of an understanding as to what it is. You also have done the work on developing an open conversation that there really is no uneasiness in having hard conversations.

 

It is really important that during your discussion you talk in a way that reserves judgment of others. Do not forget that we are always working on demonstrating a loving attitude toward people. Do not let your passion for what you are trying to protect them from have layers of judgment within your teachings. You really just want them to make good choices and help them to become amazing people you do not want to degrade or sacrifice other people to accomplish this.

 

One last thing to keep in mind in developing open communication with your child is that both parents want to have somewhat of a shared perspective on moral issues and those issues that are attached to creating value. The main idea of who you want them to become has to be shared. Communication with parents about the different issues that may arise is just as important. Now it is impossible for both parents to agree on everything all the time. You should try and have important discussions parents prior to discussing big issues. You want to make sure that your child does not have conflicting views on moral issues. Both parents should be able to come together to develop a real solid set of beliefs that they would like their children to have. This way there is no dispute after or during the time that the issue is being addressed with the child.  Both have you have to come up with a plan that works best for yourselves and the child.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Step 3- Reinforce with Intention

 

Being a parent can be very challenging. Individuals of all ages make mistakes based off of limited knowledge or understanding. We also each push our limits at some point testing how far we can go. As with all things for every action there is a reaction. Children do not always understand this but is our job to help them to do so in an effort to protect them. Have you ever thought of what your punishment is really teaching your child?

 

An adult mind has a different set of reasoning based off of past experiences. We are able to have a deeper understanding of what works and what doesn’t. We know what is dangerous and unhealthy and we have developed a very logical and solid understanding of how to conduct ourselves on a daily basis. Your children have not. They have a few years of experiences. Children are also still developing parts of their brain and so every situation is contributing to that development. They are at the entry level and have yet to really discover the dangers. How you think in your adult life is completely different then how you would perceive a situation as a child. Between you and your child there are two sets of lenses that are seeing the world.

 

What is your intention when you are punishing your child? Is it to make sure that whatever they may be doing at that moment they never do it again or are you REALLY using this as an opportunity to teach them why the behavior is unacceptable.   Are we really showing them why certain behaviors are unacceptable and doing so in such a way that they truly understand it. There has to be a real intention to teach and guide your child. Once you choose that intention the punishments that you give will have a deeper meaning to both of you.  They will become better for it and you will feel better and less stressed because you are adding value to their lives even in the most chaotic of moments.

 

One thing that you have to recognize is what does work and what doesn’t.  Of course as previously stated children are going to push the limits (and your nerves) but if you are offering the same punishment and the same behavior continues then it’s safe to say its not working. You are only becoming more frustrated and impatient and so is your child.  In the end there is a lot of stress and no learning.  There are a few sets of discipline or learning techniques that have been used over time that seem to have a very low level of effectiveness.  Now of course children are in the learning stage and they do have to be told the same thing repeatedly before they get it. You just have to be sure that the intended message, and lesson you are teaching is the actual message you they are receiving.

 

There are many different approaches that have been used throughout time that we just continue to use and never really question. We have to learn to question everything.  Deciding to be a parent is not something that you can commit to and be lazy. There is real work involved. Evaluate everything you are doing. When you are disciplining your child make sure that what you are doing is 1-working and 2- aligned with your intention. Every situation should be a conscious decision and a conscious awareness as to what you intend for your child to learn.

Some things we have been doing for years just don’t align with those intentions for example, the” because I said so” approach. Most of us have heard this line spewed from our parent’s mouth at some point in our lives. As a parent it is a quick way to stop whatever behavior is going on at that moment and offers relief from the situation without having to go into a long explanation of why. As we know with children the “Why” is a never ending question. This approach is only effective if it is followed up with a real explanation in an effort to bring understanding of why the behavior is inappropriate. If “because I said so” is the only input you have for a situation, you do not help your child to develop reasoning as to why this behavior doesn’t work.

 

We want our children to trust what we say but we do not want that to be the only way in which they learn. They have to be able to understand how to act when you aren’t around. At some point you are not going to be directly in front of them. They will be at a friend’s house or off at school and they will have to know how to behave in the proper way. They will have to be able to develop on their own, ways to handle new situations. “Because I said so” will eliminate the ability to do this. They do not need your voice in their head to tell them right from wrong they need your guidance in discovering and developing their own reasoning.  They need to learn to develop their own voice. This way they can develop their own understanding, decision making skills that they can trust in and eventually rely on as they become adults.

 

Let’s say that you are walking through the supermarket and your child grabs a pack of cookies and after you’ve already said no to purchasing them they throw their little tantrum. Whether begging and pleading or crying they ask over and over “why can’t I have these cookies”? This is an ideal “Because I said so moment”. You are frustrated, ready to finish at the store and let’s face it a little embarrassed that your child isn’t behaving at his best.  If you choose not to address the reason