Untitled(for now) by Tiffany Anyel (elon musk reading list txt) 📖

was wide awake. I immediately think of--no. Feel my dream. And for a split second, it all comes back to me. I sit there. I notice that my heart--this heart, (the actual body organ), is just as overcome. Because it is beating very loud now. I place my hand there. I realize my hand feels it too. "You smoke? You know those things a kill ya." Silence. "Yin?" I hear my name. What? "Oh. Hey Pete." "Did you hear what I just said?" I smile. His southern accent? Had his 'hear', sounding like 'er'. "Oh no, Im sorry, what?"
"I cant believe you smoke." "I get that alot." "Well, I bet. Your too pretty to be smoking." "Ive heard that one too" "And how old are you?" "Im legal." Two months now. "Right." I laugh. I notice he has one tucked in his earlobe, unlit. I look at him, then the cigarette. "What?" I do it again. He plays dumb. "Do I need to make the gesture a third time? Im not letting you off the hook that easy. You giving me such a hard time." "See, I care. I dont want you to end up like me." Now I hear myself say, "right." We both laugh. "Have you ate yet?" "No, Ive been waiting for you. Gary told me where you were." "Oh." "Well you coming?" I put my cigarette out. "With you? Well of course." I lock my arm in his. We walk through the front door. "There you are." I hear Gary say. "Im here."

"You need me to walk you home? Its gettin dark." "Im not too far." "Anywhere walking alone, in the dark, is far." He made sure to enunicate the alone part. "Its not dark yet. Trust me Gair. I'll be fine." "Okay, well call me. And dont forget, like you always do." "I know, I know." We hug. And I head back the way I came. I laugh--replaying in my mind, certain events of the day. Oh those guys! I could hang around there all day. Its so easy to do, being around those boys. I like knowing I can help, and they are so teasingly grateful. I smile. "Beautiful." I immediately know who it is--I do not stop walking. I realize this because I am concentrating on every step. I pretend I am alone, and did not just hear--what every cell in my body, it seemed felt. I mean if I acknowledged that--I am going crazy. Or at the very least have some type of mental disorder. I feel him laugh. I continue walking.
I realize I am almost running to the house. I put my key in, and open the door. I glance at the clock. Crap--I forgot to call. I hurry up stairs to my room. I still feel him with me. Or atleast my body and senses do. My mind is choosing to ignore both of them. "Hey Yin." I whip around. "Oh my god. Terry you scared me. Hey." "Are you alright?" "What?..oh yea, Im fine." "Gary called to let us know you were on your way home. He knew you'd forget." "And he would be right. Sorry." She smiles. "Since we have no kids here at the moment, I have to find things to do." "Yea I kno, its different." "Are you heading off to bed?" "I'll probably watch some tv. But first a shower." "Yea, you do smell of smoke." I ignore her, and go to my drawer. Grab my lotion, bodywash, shampoo, and face cleaner--my nightly essentials. I hear Terry shut the door. What to wear? Well duh. What I always wear: tshirt and jogging pants--that Id never really jogged in, despite the name.

In the bathroom, I start the shower. I start to undress--I immediately stop. I am embarrased to be naked. I dont feel him with me now though. My mind uses this opportunity to totally debunk all I had felt up until this point--it helps. I finish undressing, and step in the shower. Ahh..I close my eyes. It feels so good. I let the water rain on my face. I tilt my head back. I use my fingers to massage my scalp. "Yin, the water has been on for thirty minutes." "Kay." That long? I step out, and pat myself off. I lotion and get dressed. I wipe the steam away, and look in the mirror. I frown--ugh, dont like that face. I smile. I find myself making crazy faces in the mirror. I start laughing. Its hard to take myself seriously, when all I have is a mirror--but I try. I look into my eyes. Something, I realized I dont do too often, if ever. I see muted green. Maybe a hint of violet, around the ring . And if I look close enough, other tiny specks of colors. The eyes--seem to show you everything. And they are beautiful. And definitely compelling, if you stare deeply enough. Like I seemed to be doing now--whoa. Im cross-eyed. No. Wait. I take a step back. Nevermind.

I take this once in a lifetime opportunity. To survey myself. "Oh god." I hear myself say. Its just something I dont really like to do. I find the courage. I guess Im okay. For what though? It just seemed so strange. I mean I like how I look. I have almost a dark caramel color complexion. If I wanted to get all sensual about it. Like a Sugar Daddy or the inside of a Snickers. Hmm..Snickers. I liked my shading, as I called it. It seemed to be in between all the other colors I'd seen. Unorginal. I wished my skin was blue or a deep green. Wow. Now that would be something I hadnt seen before. I turn to the side. And try to pull off a sexy pose, I laugh. My body is unorginal too. Although I have been told otherwise. I do love my hair, it may be the only almost orginal thing, besides my eyes. Its dark, looks black depending on the light. Hmm..maybe its a dark brown? Its kinky. I use kinky more as an adjective than an actual fact. More like loose decadent spirals. I decide to spice up the commentary here. Its pretty long, mid shoulder. Big. I have big hair, which I love. I cant really pull off an afro, but I do try sometimes. I realize I am playing with it now. Watching it move. It feels good. Smooth, like a babys bottom. I laugh. I bring my eyes to my face, blow myself a kiss, and wink. I finally leave the bathroom. Shut the door behind me, and bump into Terry. "Gosh Yin, what were you doing in there?" She picks up the clothes that fell from her basket, I help. "Oh." "Thats the longest I think you have spent in there." "Really? I didnt notice." She gives me a look. I ignore it and head to my room.

After I open the drawer, to put my nightly essentials away. I realized I forgot to use my face cleaner. My face seemed pretty clean and smooth in the mirror. So, I shrug. And close the drawer. I go downstairs to the living room. Plop on the couch, and look for the remote. I turn on the tv. The news. Ugh. Terry loves this channel. How can anyone stand to watch it, after five minutes or so. I get chills. I mean most of its bad or atleast makes you feel bad. Like the world around you, is filled with so much terror and devastation. Your so terrified to walk out your door. Who knows who could be lerking in the shadows. Ugh, I cant take feeling like that every morning, noon, and night. No thank you. I'll let me decide how my world is, by being in it everyday. I turn the channel. Everybody Loves Raymond. Nice. I watch. I realize I am laughing, when Terry comes in. "What you watching?" "Oh hey Terry, Everybody Loves Raymond." "Good show?" "One of the good ones." She sits down, and begins to watch. We are both laughing. We look at each other. "It is a funny show." "I know." "So, how were the boys today? Did they behave?" "Hardly" I smile. I turn back to the tv. A commerical. Ugh.

"Would you like some drink Terry? I cant seem to find anything I want in here" "Where you at?" "In the kitchen, looking in the frig." "Look in the staff room, on the desk" "Kay." I open the door. "Yes!" I hear footsteps, Terry is in the doorway. "Is this for me?" She smiles, "Yes. But dont let June find out. You know how she doesnt like it, when you eat to much chocolate." I put my fingers to my lips, and pretend to zip them up. We hug. "Thank you, thank you. Have I ever told you how much I love you?" She rolls her eyes, and smiles. I grab my bag of, well pretty much assorted chocolates, and head back into the living room. I get a blanket and pillow. And open my bag of chocolatey goodness. Ahh, a Snickers. The miniature kind. Hmm..bite size. I was watching tv, eating chocolate, and in a complete state of comfort. "Yin, shouldnt you be in bed?" "Its not that late." "Its almost two." "Really?" I look at the clock. "Oh, it is." "Yes, it is. I have to stay up on my shift. But you? You need to get some sleep." For some reason, I hesitate to get up. "Yin" "Huh?" "Turn off the tv. Hand me the chocolate. And go to your room." I was following orders, when I realized why I had seemed hesitant before. My dream. How it felt. Him. I exhale, and head upstairs. "Night, Yin." "Night." I close my door.

What to do now? I wasnt really at the pass out stage. Despite it being two in the morning. I turn on the bedside lamp. Grab my pad. Get in bed. Scrunch up my legs , while I sit up to draw. My hand had been moving for a while, when I remember to charge my phone. I lean over, find the charger still plugged in. Good. I decide to check my messages. None. I write Gary. Telling him thanks for doing what he knew I would forget. I turn back to my pad. Doodling is fun. But after awhile, it all starts running together. I turn the page. "Hey, you." I immediately look up. I wasnt surprised to find nothing there. Hey me? "Yea, you." I hear teasing in his voice. I play along. I mean if this is me having some sort of mental breakdown, I should atleast figure out the culprit. I turn back to my pad. "And you would be?" "I am you, having a mental breakdown, remember?." "Funny." It was. I realized I had been drawing for a while in silence. I tried to see if my senses or body was picking up anything. I couldnt rely on my mind, it was made up at 'hey you'. "Looking for me?" "No." I smile. And then immediately wished I hadnt. Can you see me? "No. Not like you do." "So, you cant see what I am doing right now.?" I stuck out my tongue. "No. But.." "But, what?" "I know what you are doing." I stop. He laughs. "What, you scared of me?" "I dont know, should I be?" "Listen." For some reason, I close my eyes. "What do you feel?" I realized I felt safe. Comfortable. And kind of giddy. It felt familiar. Or he did? "Who are you?" "That is a big question." "No, its not." "You sure? Who are you?" I pause. Okay so it is, or atleast hard to answer.