The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) by Thomas Chandler Haliburton (best reads txt) 📖

Volume 1 Chapter 1 (Uncorking A Bottle) Pg 5

Scotia,  And A Retired Member Of The Provincial Bar. My

Name Will Seldom Appear In These Pages,  As I Am Uniformly

Addressed By Both My Companions As "Squire," Nor Shall

I Have To Perform The Disagreeable Task Of "Reporting My

Own Speeches," For Naturally Taciturn,  I Delight In

Listening Rather Than Talking,  And Modestly Prefer The

Duties Of An Amanuensis,  To The Responsibilities Of

Original Composition.

 

The Last Personage Is Jube Japan,  A Black Servant Of The

Attache.

 

Such Are The Persons Who Composed The Little Party That

Embarked At New York,  On Board The Packet Ship "Tyler,"

And Sailed On The -- Of May,  184-,  For England.

 

The Motto Prefixed To This Work

 

   (Greek Text)

 

Sufficiently Explains Its Character. Classes And Not

Individuals Have Been Selected For Observation. National

Traits Are Fair Subjects For Satire Or For Praise,  But

Personal Peculiarities Claim The Privilege Of Exemption

In Right Of That Hospitality,  Through Whose Medium They

Have Been Alone Exhibited. Public Topics Are Public

Property; Every Body Has A Right To Use Them Without

Leave And Without Apology. It Is Only When We Quit The

Limits Of This "Common" And Enter Upon "Private Grounds,"

That We Are Guilty Of "A Trespass." This Distinction Is

Alike Obvious To Good Sense And Right Feeling. I Have

Endeavoured To Keep It Constantly In View; And If At Any

Time I Shall Be Supposed To Have Erred (I Say "Supposed,"

For I Am Unconscious Of Having Done So) I Must Claim The

Indulgence Always Granted To Involuntary Offences.

 

Now The Patience Of My Reader May Fairly Be Considered

A "Private Right." I Shall,  Therefore,  Respect Its

Boundaries And Proceed At Once With My Narrative,  Having

Been Already Quite Long Enough About "Uncorking A Bottle."

 

 

Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 6

All Our Preparations For The Voyage Having Been Completed,

We Spent The Last Day At Our Disposal,  In Visiting

Brooklyn. The Weather Was Uncommonly Fine,  The Sky Being

Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 7

Perfectly Clear And Unclouded; And Though The Sun Shone

Out Brilliantly,  The Heat Was Tempered By A Cool,  Bracing,

Westwardly Wind. Its Influence Was Perceptible On The

Spirits Of Every Body On Board The Ferry-Boat That

Transported Us Across The Harbour.

 

"Squire," Said Mr. Slick,  Aint This As Pretty A Day As

You'll See Atween This And Nova Scotia?--You Can't Beat

American Weather,  When It Chooses,  In No Part Of The

World I've Ever Been In Yet. This Day Is A Tip-Topper,

And It's The Last We'll See Of The Kind Till We Get Back

Agin,  _I_ Know. Take A Fool's Advice,  For Once,  And Stick

To It,  As Long As There Is Any Of It Left,  For You'll

See The Difference When You Get To England. There Never

Was So Rainy A Place In The Univarse,  As That,  I Don't

Think,  Unless It's Ireland,  And The Only Difference Atween

Them Two Is That It Rains Every Day Amost In England,

And In Ireland It Rains Every Day And Every Night Too.

It's Awful,  And You Must Keep Out Of A Country-House In

Such Weather,  Or You'll Go For It; It Will Kill You,

That's Sartain. I Shall Never Forget A Juicy Day I Once

Spent In One Of Them Dismal Old Places. I'll Tell You

How I Came To Be There.

 

"The Last Time I Was To England,  I Was A Dinin' With Our

Consul To Liverpool,  And A Very Gentleman-Like Old Man

He Was Too; He Was Appointed By Washington,  And Had Been

There Ever Since Our Glorious Revolution. Folks Gave Him

A Great Name,  They Said He Was A Credit To Us. Well,  I

Met At His Table One Day An Old Country Squire,  That

Lived Somewhere Down In Shropshire,  Close On To Wales,

And Says He To Me,  Arter Cloth Was Off And Cigars On,

'Mr. Slick,' Says He,  'I'll Be Very Glad To See You To

Norman Manor,' (That Was The Place Where He Staid,  When

He Was To Home). 'If You Will Return With Me I Shall Be

Glad To Shew You The Country In My Neighbourhood,  Which

Is Said To Be Considerable Pretty.'

 

"'Well,' Says I,  'As I Have Nothin' Above Particular To

See To,  I Don't Care If I Do Go.'

 

"So Off We Started; And This I Will Say,  He Was As Kind

As He Cleverly Knew How To Be,  And That Is Sayin' A Great

Deal For A Man That Didn't Know Nothin' Out Of Sight Of

His Own Clearin' Hardly.

 

"Now,  When We Got There,  The House Was Chock Full Of

Company,  And Considerin' It Warn't An Overly Large One,

And That Britishers Won't Stay In A House,  Unless Every

Feller Gets A Separate Bed,  It's A Wonder To Me,  How He

Stowed Away As Many As He Did. Says He,  'Excuse Your

Quarters,  Mr. Slick,  But I Find More Company Nor I Expected

Here. In A Day Or Two,  Some On 'Em Will Be Off,  And Then

You Shall Be Better Provided.'

Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 8

 

"With That I Was Showed Up A Great Staircase,  And Out O'

That By A Door-Way Into A Narrer Entry And From That Into

An Old T Like Looking Building,  That Stuck Out Behind

The House. It Warn't The Common Company Sleepin' Room,

I Expect,  But Kinder Make Shifts,  Tho' They Was Good

Enough Too For The Matter O' That; At All Events I Don't

Want No Better.

 

"Well,  I Had Hardly Got Well Housed A'most,  Afore It Came

On To Rain,  As If It Was In Rael Right Down Airnest. It

Warn't Just A Roarin',  Racin',  Sneezin' Rain Like A

Thunder Shower,  But It Kept A Steady Travellin' Gait,  Up

Hill And Down Dale,  And No Breathin' Time Nor Batin'

Spell. It Didn't Look As If It Would Stop Till It Was

Done,  That's A Fact. But Still As It Was Too Late To Go

Out Agin That Arternoon,  I Didn't Think Much About It

Then. I Hadn't No Notion What Was In Store For Me Next

Day,  No More Nor A Child; If I Had,  I'd A Double Deal

Sooner Hanged Myself,  Than Gone Brousing In Such Place

As That,  In Sticky Weather.

 

"A Wet Day Is Considerable Tiresome,  Any Where Or Any

Way You Can Fix It; But It's Wus At An English Country

House Than Any Where Else,  Cause You Are Among Strangers,

Formal,  Cold,  Gallus Polite,  And As Thick In The Head-Piece

As A Puncheon. You Hante Nothin' To Do Yourself And They

Never Have Nothin' To Do; They Don't Know Nothin' About

America,  And Don't Want To. Your Talk Don't Interest

Them,  And They Can't Talk To Interest Nobody But Themselves;

All You've Got To Do,  Is To Pull Out Your Watch And See

How Time Goes; How Much Of The Day Is Left,  And Then Go

To The Winder And See How The Sky Looks,  And Whether

There Is Any Chance Of Holdin' Up Or No. Well,  That Time

I Went To Bed A Little Airlier Than Common,  For I Felt

Considerable Sleepy,  And Considerable Strange Too; So As

Soon As I Cleverly Could,  I Off And Turned In.

 

"Well I Am An Airly Riser Myself. I Always Was From A

Boy,  So I Waked Up Jist About The Time When Day Ought To

Break,  And Was A Thinkin' To Get Up; But The Shutters

Was Too,  And It Was As Dark As Ink In The Room,  And I

Heer'd It Rainin' Away For Dear Life. 'So,' Sais I To

Myself,  'What The Dogs Is The Use Of Gittin' Up So Airly?

I Can't Get Out And Get A Smoke,  And I Can't Do Nothin'

Here; So Here Goes For A Second Nap.' Well I Was Soon

Off Agin In A Most A Beautiful Of A Snore,  When All At

Once I Heard Thump-Thump Agin The Shutter--And The Most

Horrid Noise I Ever Heerd Since I Was Raised; It Was

Sunthin' Quite Onairthly.

 

"'Hallo!' Says I To Myself,  'What In Natur Is All This

Hubbub About? Can This Here Confounded Old House Be

Harnted? Is Them Spirits That's Jabbering Gibberish There,

Or Is I Wide Awake Or No?' So I Sets Right Up On My Hind

Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 9

Legs In Bed,  Rubs My Eyes,  Opens My Ears And Listens

Agin,  When Whop Went Every Shutter Agin,  With A Dead

Heavy Sound,  Like Somethin' Or Another Thrown Agin 'Em,

Or Fallin' Agin 'Em,  And Then Comes The Unknown Tongues

In Discord Chorus Like. Sais I,  'I Know Now,  It's Them

Cussed Navigators. They've Besot The House,  And Are A

Givin' Lip To Frighten Folks. It's Regular Banditti.'

 

"So I Jist Hops Out Of Bed,  And Feels For My Trunk,  And

Outs With My Talkin' Irons,  That Was All Ready Loaded,

Pokes My Way To The Winder--Shoves The Sash Up And Outs

With The Shutter,  Ready To Let Slip Among 'Em. And What

Do You Think It Was?--Hundreds And Hundreds Of Them Nasty,

Dirty,  Filthy,  Ugly,  Black Devils Of Rooks,  Located In

The Trees At The Back Eend Of The House. Old Nick Couldn't

Have Slept Near 'Em; Caw Caw,  Caw,  All