The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) by Thomas Chandler Haliburton (best reads txt) 📖

Mixt Up Together

In One Jumble Of A Sound,  Like "Jawe."

 

"You Black,  Evil-Lookin',  Foul-Mouthed Villains,' Sais

I,  'I'd Like No Better Sport Than Jist To Sit Here,  All

This Blessed Day With These Pistols,  And Drop You One

Arter Another,  _I_ Know.' But They Was Pets,  Was Them

Rooks,  And Of Course Like All Pets,  Everlastin' Nuisances

To Every Body Else.

 

"Well,  When A Man's In A Feeze,  There's No More Sleep

That Hitch; So I Dresses And Sits Up; But What Was I To

Do? It Was Jist Half Past Four,  And As It Was A Rainin'

Like Every Thing,  I Know'd Breakfast Wouldn't Be Ready

Till Eleven O'clock,  For Nobody Wouldn't Get Up If They

Could Help It--They Wouldn't Be Such Fools; So There Was

Jail For Six Hours And A Half.

 

"Well,  I Walked Up And Down The Room,  As Easy As I Could,

Not To Waken Folks; But Three Steps And A Round Turn

Makes You Kinder Dizzy,  So I Sits Down Again To Chaw The

Cud Of Vexation.

 

"'Ain't This A Handsum Fix?' Sais I,  'But It Sarves You

Right,  What Busniss Had You Here At All? You Always Was

A Fool,  And Always Will Be To The Eend Of The Chapter.

--'What In Natur Are You A Scoldin' For?' Sais I: 'That

Won't Mend The Matter; How's Time? They Must Soon Be A

Stirrin' Now,  I Guess.' Well,  As I Am A Livin' Sinner,

It Was Only Five O'clock; 'Oh Dear,' Sais I,  'Time Is

Like Women And Pigs The More You Want It To Go,  The More

It Won't. What On Airth Shall I Do?--Guess,  I'll Strap

My Rasor.'

 

"Well,  I Strapped And Strapped Away,  Until It Would Cut

A Single Hair Pulled Strait Up On Eend Out O' Your Head,

Without Bendin' It--Take It Off Slick. 'Now,' Sais I,

'I'll Mend My Trowsers I Tore,  A Goin' To See The Ruin

Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 10

On The Road Yesterday; So I Takes Out Sister Sall's Little

Needle-Case,  And Sows Away Till I Got Them To Look

Considerable Jam Agin; 'And Then,' Sais I,  'Here's A

Gallus Button Off,  I'll Jist Fix That,' And When That

Was Done,  There Was A Hole To My Yarn Sock,  So I Turned

Too And Darned That.

 

"'Now,' Sais I,  'How Goes It? I'm Considerable Sharp Set.

It Must Be Gettin' Tolerable Late Now.' It Wanted A

Quarter To Six. 'My! Sakes,' Sais I,  'Five Hours And A

Quarter Yet Afore Feedin' Time; Well If That Don't Pass.

What Shall I Do Next?' 'I'll Tell You What To Do,' Sais

I,  'Smoke,  That Will Take The Edge Of Your Appetite Off,

And If They Don't Like It,  They May Lump It; What Business

Have They To Keep Them Horrid Screetchin' Infarnal,

Sleepless Rooks To Disturb People That Way?' Well,  I

Takes A Lucifer,  And Lights A Cigar,  And I Puts My Head Up

The Chimbly To Let The Smoke Off,  And It Felt Good,  I

Promise _You_. I Don't Know As I Ever Enjoyed One Half So

Much Afore. It Had A Rael First Chop Flavour Had That Cigar.

 

"'When That Was Done,' Sais I,  'What Do You Say To

Another?' 'Well,  I Don't Know,' Sais I,  'I Should Like

It,  That's A Fact; But Holdin' Of My Head Crooked Up

Chimbly That Way,  Has A' Most Broke My Neck; I've Got

The Cramp In It Like.'

 

"So I Sot,  And Shook My Head First A One Side And Then

The Other,  And Then Turned It On Its Hinges As Far As It

Would Go,  Till It Felt About Right,  And Then I Lights

Another,  And Puts My Head In The Flue Again.

 

"Well,  Smokin' Makes,  A Feller Feel Kinder Good-Natured,

And I Began To Think It Warn't Quite So Bad Arter All,

When Whop Went My Cigar Right Out Of My Mouth Into My

Bosom,  Atween The Shirt And The Skin,  And Burnt Me Like

A Gally Nipper. Both My Eyes Was Fill'd At The Same Time,

And I Got A Crack On The Pate From Some Critter Or Another

That Clawed And Scratched My Head Like Any Thing,  And

Then Seemed To Empty A Bushel Of Sut On Me,  And I Looked

Like A Chimbly Sweep,  And Felt Like Old Scratch Himself.

My Smoke Had Brought Down A Chimbly Swaller,  Or A Martin,

Or Some Such Varmint,  For It Up And Off Agin' Afore I

Could Catch It,  To Wring Its Infarnal Neck Off,  That's

A Fact.

 

"Well,  Here Was Somethin' To Do,  And No Mistake: Here

Was To Clean And Groom Up Agin' Till All Was In Its Right

Shape; And A Pretty Job It Was,  I Tell You. I Thought

I Never Should Get The Sut Out Of My Hair,  And Then Never

Get It Out Of My Brush Again,  And My Eyes Smarted So,

They Did Nothing But Water,  And Wink,  And Make Faces.

But I Did; I Worked On And Worked On,  Till All Was Sot

Right Once More.

Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 11

 

"'Now,' Sais I,  'How's Time?' 'Half Past Seven,' Sais I,

'And Three Hours And A Half More Yet To Breakfast. Well,'

Sais I,  'I Can't Stand This--And What's More I Won't: I

Begin To Get My Ebenezer Up,  And Feel Wolfish. I'll Ring

Up The Handsum Chamber-Maid,  And Just Fall To,  And Chaw

Her Right Up--I'm Savagerous.'* 'That's Cowardly,' Sais

I,  'Call The Footman,  Pick A Quarrel With Him And Kick

Him Down Stairs,  Speak But One Word To Him,  And Let That

Be Strong Enough To Skin The Coon Arter It Has Killed

Him,  The Noise Will Wake Up Folks _I_ Know,  And Then We

Shall Have Sunthin' To Eat.'

 

[* Footnote: The Word "Savagerous" Is Not Of "Yankee"

But Of "Western Origin."--Its Use In This Place Is Best

Explained By The Following Extract From The Third Series

Of The Clockmaker. "In Order That The Sketch Which I Am

Now About To Give May Be Fully Understood,  It May Be

Necessary To Request The Reader To Recollect That Mr.

Slick Is A _Yankee_,  A Designation The Origin Of Which

Is Now Not Very Obvious,  But It Has Been Assumed By,  And

Conceded By Common Consent To,  The Inhabitants Of New

England. It Is A Name,  Though Sometimes Satirically Used,

Of Which They Have Great Reason To Be Proud,  As It Is

Descriptive Of A Most Cultivated,  Intelligent,  Enterprising,

Frugal,  And Industrious Population,  Who May Well Challenge

A Comparison With The Inhabitants Of Any Other Country

In The World; But It Has Only A Local Application.

 

"The United States Cover An Immense Extent Of Territory,

And The Inhabitants Of Different Parts Of The Union Differ

As Widely In Character,  Feelings,  And Even In Appearance,

As The People Of Different Countries Usually Do. These

Sections Differ Also In Dialect And In Humour,  As Much

As In Other Things,  And To As Great,  If Not A Greater

Extent,  Than The Natives Of Different Parts Of Great

Britain Vary From Each Other. It Is Customary In Europe

To Call All Americans,  Yankees; But It Is As Much A

Misnomer As It Would Be To Call All Europeans Frenchmen.

Throughout These Works It Will Be Observed,  That Mr.

Slick's Pronunciation Is That Of The Yankee,  Or An

Inhabitant Of The _Rural Districts_ Of New England. His

Conversation Is Generally Purely So; But In Some Instances

He Uses,  As His Countrymen Frequently Do From Choice,

Phrases Which,  Though Americanisms,  Are Not Of Eastern

Origin. Wholly To Exclude These Would Be To Violate The

Usages Of American Life; To Introduce Them Oftener Would

Be To Confound Two Dissimilar Dialects,  And To Make An

Equal Departure From The Truth. Every Section Has Its

Own Characteristic Dialect,  A Very Small Portion Of Which

It Has Imparted To Its Neighbours. The Dry,  Quaint Humour

Of New England Is Occasionally Found In The West,  And

The Rich Gasconade And Exaggerative Language Of The West

Migrates Not Unfrequently To The East. This Idiomatic

Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 12

Exchange Is Perceptibly On The Increase. It Arises From

The Travelling Propensities Of The Americans,  And The

Constant Intercourse Mutually Maintained By The Inhabitants

Of The Different States. A Droll Or An Original Expression

Is Thus Imported And Adopted,  And,  Though Not Indigenous,

Soon Becomes Engrafted On The General Stock Of The Language

Of The Country."--3rd Series,  P. 142.]

 

"I Was Ready To Bile Right Over,  When As Luck Would Have

It,  The Rain Stopt All Of A Sudden,  The Sun Broke Out O'

Prison,  And I Thought I Never Seed Any Thing Look So

Green And So Beautiful As The Country Did. 'Come,' Sais

I,  'Now For A Walk Down The Avenue,  And A Comfortable

Smoke,  And If The Man At The Gate Is Up And Stirrin',  I

Will Just Pop In And Breakfast With Him And His Wife.

There Is Some Natur There,  But Here It's All Cussed Rooks

And Chimbly Swallers,  And Heavy Men And Fat Women,  And

Lazy Helps,  And Sunday Every Day In The Week.' So I Fills

My Cigar-Case And Outs Into The Passage.

 

"But Here Was A Fix! One Of The Doors Opened Into The

Great Staircase,  And Which Was It? 'Ay,' Sais I,  'Which

Is It,  Do You Know?' 'Upon My Soul,  I Don't Know,' Sais

I; 'But Try,  It's No Use To Be Caged Up Here Like A

Painter,  And Out I Will,  That's A Fact.'

 

"So I Stops And Studies,  'That's It,' Sais I,  And I Opens

A Door: It Was A Bedroom--It Was The Likely Chambermaid's.

 

"'Softly,  Sir,' Sais She,  A Puttin' Of Her Finger On Her

Lip,  'Don't Make No Noise; Missus Will Hear You.'

 

"'Yes,' Sais I,  'I Won't Make No Noise;' And I Outs And

Shuts The Door Too Arter Me Gently.

 

"'What Next?' Sais I; 'Why You Fool,  You,' Sais I,  'Why

Didn't You Ax The Sarvant Maid,  Which Door It Was?' 'Why

I Was So Conflastrigated,' Sais I,  'I Didn't Think Of

It. Try That Door,' Well I Opened Another,  It Belonged

To One O' The Horrid Hansum Stranger Galls That Dined At

Table Yesterday. When She Seed Me,  She Gave A Scream,

Popt Her Head Onder The Clothes,  Like A Terrapin,  And

Vanished--Well I Vanished Too.

 

"'Ain't This Too Bad?' Sais I; 'I Wish I Could Open A

Man's Door,  I'd Lick Him Out Of Spite; I Hope I May Be

Shot If I Don't,  And I Doubled Up My Fist,  For I Didn't

Like It A Spec,  And Opened Another Door--It Was The

Housekeeper's. 'Come,' Sais I,  'I Won't Be Balked No

More.' She Sot Up And Fixed Her Cap. A Woman