The Foolish Dictionary<br />An exhausting work of reference to un-certain English words, their origi by Gideon Wurdz (have you read this book TXT) 📖
- Author: Gideon Wurdz
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Transcriber's Note:
Inconsistent hyphenation in the original document has been preserved.
What seems like obvious typographical errors have been corrected in this text. For a complete list, please see the end of this document.
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GIDEON WURDZ.
The
FOOLISH
DICTIONARY An exhausting work of reference
to un-certain English words, their
origin, meaning, legitimate
and illegitimate use,
confused by A FEW PICTURES By WALLACE GOLDSMITH Executed by GIDEON WURDZ Master of Pholly, Doctor of Loquacious
Lunacy, Fellow of the Royal
Gibe Society, etc., etc. Cover designed by E.B. BIRD JOHN. W. LUCE AND COMPANY
BOSTON MDCCCCIV
Copyright, 1904, by The
Robinson, Luce Company
Boston, Mass., U.S.A.
2nd Edition August, 1904.
To
MY DOG,
Who first heard these lines
And didn't run away
MAD,
I Reverently Dedicate
This Tome
"A Fool may give a Wise Man counsel."
Preface.
In this age of the arduous pursuit of peace, prosperity and pleasure, the smallest contribution to the gaiety, if not to the wisdom, of nations can scarcely be unwelcome. With this in mind, the author has prepared "The Foolish Dictionary," not in serious emulation of the worthier—and wordier—works of Webster and Worcester, but rather in the playful spirit of the parodist, who would gladly direct the faint rays from his flickering candle of fun to the shrine of their great memories.
With half a million English words to choose from, modesty has been the watchword, and the author has confined himself to the treatment of only about half a thousand. How wise, flippant, sober or stupid, this treatment has been, it is for the reader alone to judge. However, if from epigram, derivative or pure absurdity, there be born a single laugh between the lids, the laborer will accredit himself worthy of his hire.
In further explanation it should be said that some slight deference has been made to other wits, and the definitions include a few quotations from the great minds of the past and present. As for the rest, the jury will please acknowledge a plea of guilty from
Gideon Wurdz.
ABBREVIATIONS.
It's a long lane that has no ashbarrel.
Distilled waters run deep.
ABSINTHE From two Latin words, ad, and sinistrum, meaning "to the bad." If in doubt, try one. (Old adage, "Absinthe makes the jag last longer)."
ABSTINENCE
From the Persian ab, water, and stein, or tankard. Hence, water-tankard, or "water wagon."
ACCESSION A beheading process by which you may either win or lose a political job. Old spelling, Axe-session.
ACCIDENT A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body better.
ADAMANT From "Adam's Aunt," reputed to be a hard character. Hence, anything tough, or hard.
ADORE From add, annex, and ore, meaning wealth. Example, foreign nobles who marry American heiresses adore them.
ADVICE A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your mother-in-law, but impossible to dispose of yourself. Famous as the one thing which it is "More blessed to give than receive." GOOD ADVICE Something old men give young men when they can no longer give them a bad example.
ADVERSITY A bottomless lake, surrounded by near-sighted friends.
AFFINITY Complimentary term for your husband or your wife. Sometimes a synonym for "Your finish."
AFTERTHOUGHT A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.
AGE Something to brag about in your wine-cellar and forget in a birth-day book The boast of an old vintage, the bug a boo of an old maid.
ALCOHOL A liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets.
ALDERMAN
A political office known as the Crook's Road to Wealth. From Eng. all, and Greek derma, meaning skin—"all skin."
ALIMONY An expensive soothing syrup, prescribed by the judge for a divorcee's bleeding heart. (Old spelling, allay money).
ALLOPATHY From Eng. all, everybody, and Grk. pathos, pain. Pain for everybody. HOMŒOPATHY From Grk. homoios, same, and pathos. Pain, just the same.
ALPHABET A toy for the children found in books, blocks, pictures and vermicelli soup. Contains 26 letters and only three syllables.
ANCESTORS The originators of the Family Tree, a remarkable sex paradox in which the Ann sisters are always the four fathers.
ANGEL A heavenly ineligible, with wings and a harp; or, an earthly eligible, with money and a heart.
ANTI-ROOMS Euphemistic term for Canfield's, New York City.
ANTI-IMPERIALIST A patriot whose conscience works overtime.
ANTIMONY A metallic substance discovered by Valentine in 1450, and now extensively used in the arts—particularly poker.
APPENDICITIS A modern pain, costing about $200 more than the old-fashioned stomach-ache.
ARGUMENT Breaking and entering the ear, assault and battery on the brain and disturbing the peace.
ARSON Derived from the Hebrew. (See INSURANCE ).
ARTIST Commonly, the individual long haired and short-suited, having a positive pose and an uncertain income. Often shy on meal-tickets but strong on technique and the price of tripe sandwiches. An artist may be a barber, a boot-black, a Sargent or a Paderewski.
ATHLETE
A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift the ashes.
AUGUR One who bored the ancients with prophecies.
AUTOMOBILE
From Eng. ought to, and Lat. moveo, to move. A vehicle which ought to move, but frequently can't.
AUTOMOBILIST A land lubber on wheels made up to resemble a deep sea diver.
Fine feathers make fine feather-beds.
A stitch in time saves embarrassing exposure.
BABY
From Grk. babai, wonderful. Parents are yet to be heard from who don't think theirs is a "wonder."
A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping-car is eager to give a wide berth.
BACHELOR From Latin baculus, a stick, unattached. Hence, an unattached man, which any lady may stick, stick to, or get stuck on.
BACKBITER A mosquito.
BALANCE Something wanted by book-keepers and often lost by topers. May be found in a cash-book or the kangaroo gait.
BANDIT An outlaw. See ALDERMAN.
BARBER A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts hair. Syn. for Phonograph.
BARS Things found in harbors, hotels, fences, prisons, courts and music. (Those found in courts and in music are full of beats).
BARGAIN
A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and developed in department stores on Mondays. Symptoms, loud talk, pushing and shoving, a combination prize-fight and foot-ball scrimmage. (Old spelling Bark-gain).
BASEBALL A game in which the young man who bravely strikes out for himself receives no praise for it.
BAT Senior partner of Bat, Ball & Co., and never found without the rest of the firm, as it takes several high-balls to make one short bat.
BEACH A strip of sand, skirted by water; covered with lady-killers in summer, life-savers in winter, and used as a haven—or heaven—for Smacks the year around.
BENEDICT A married male.
BENEDICTINE A married female.
BENEDICTION Their children.
BERTH An aid to sleep, invented by Pullman. Lower preferred.
BIRTH An aid to life, discovered by Woman. Higher preferred.
BICYCLE-SKIRT A abbreviated garment that makes women look shorter and men longer.
BIGAMY A form of insanity in which a man insists on paying three board bills instead of two.
BILLIOUSNESS A liver complaint often mistaken for piety.
BILL-OF-FARE A list of eatables. Distinguished from Menu by figures in the right-hand column.
BIOGRAPH A stereopticon picture taken with a chill and shown with tremors.
BIRDIE A term a woman is apt to apply to a man she is playing for a jay.
BIRTHDAY Anniversary of one's birth. Observed only by men and children.
BLUBBER The useful product of a dead whale. The useless product of a live baby.
BLUE The only color we can feel. INVISIBLE BLUE A policeman.
BLUSH A temporary erythema and calorific effulgence of the physiognomy, aeteologized by the perceptiveness of the sensorium, in a predicament of inequilibrity, from a sense of shame, anger or other cause, eventuating in a paresis of the vase-motorial, muscular filaments of the facial capillaries, whereby, being divested of their elasticity, they become suffused with a radiance emanating from an intimidated praecordia.
BOARD An implement for administering corporal punishment, used by mothers and land-ladies. "The Festive Board" may be a shingle, a hair-brush a fish-hash breakfast or a stewed prune supper.
BOHEMIA (Not on the map.) A land flowing with canned milk and distilled honey and untroubled by consistency, convention, conscience or cash. A land to which many are called and few chosen.
BONE One Dollar—the original price of a wife. Note, Adam, who had to give up one bone before he got Eve.
BONNETS A female head trouble, which is contracted the latter part of Lent and breaks out on Easter.
BOODLE Money, born of poor, but dishonest parents, and taken in by the Graft family.
BORROW v. t., to swap hot air for cold coin.
BOWER A shady retreat, in general.
BOWERY A shady retreat in New York.
BRACE Security for the trousers.
BRACER Security for the stomach.
BRACELET Security for the pawn-broker.
BRAIN The top-floor apartment in the Human Block, known as the Cranium, and kept by the Sarah Sisters—Sarah Brum and Sarah Belum, assisted by Medulla Oblongata. All three are nervous, but are always confined to their cells. The Brain is done in gray and white, and furnished with light and heat, hot or cold water, (if desired), with regular connections to the outside world by way of the Spinal Circuit. Usually occupied by the Intellect Bros.,—Thoughts and Ideas—as an Intelligence Office, but sometimes sub-let
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