Mr. Punch's Book of Love: Being the Humours of Courtship and Matrimony by Hammerton et al. (urban books to read TXT) 📖
- Author: Hammerton et al.
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[Pg 20]
SONGS OF THE HEARTH-RUGTHE NEGLECTED WIFE TO HER RUSHLIGHT
My rushlight, when first kindled,
Twelve inches long wast thou;
And I behold thee dwindled
To one, my candle, now!
How brief thy span, contrasted
With rushlight's average life!
A happier dip had lasted
A week a happier wife.
Where is my husband got to?
Oh say, expiring light!
A man ought really not to
Stay out so every night.
I'm sure that Bradshaw's press'd him
To join his tippling lot:
That Bradshaw! I detest him;—
The good-for-nothing sot!
Would that this piece of paper,
Which, ere thy flame expire,
I light from thee, my taper,
Could set that club on fire.
A Blunder-buss.—Kissing the wrong girl.
Motto for the Married.—Never dis-pair.
Mem. by "One who Married in Haste."—"The real 'Battle of Life' begins with a short engagement."
[Pg 21]
Time—3 a.m.
Voice from above. "Is that you, John? You're very late, aren't you?"
Brown (returned from celebrating the latest victory). "It's only about—er—twelve, my dear, I think——"
The Cuckoo Clock. "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"
Brown (grasping situation instantly). "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"
[Pg 22]
A WET NURSE
"LITERA SCRIPTA."—Wooer. "Oh, Miss—oh, Lavinia! may I not still hope?—or is your cruel rejection of my suit final and irrevoc——" Spinster (firmly). "Yes, Mr. Brown, I seriously desire you will regard it so." Wooer. "Then, dearest, may I ask you"—(producing the materials from adjacent writing-table)—"to—ah—put it on papar! I shall feel safer!"
A "Noiseless Sewing Machine."—A good wife.
Pauca Verba.—Robinson (after a long Whist bout at the Club). "It's awfully late, Brown. What will you say to your wife?" Brown (in a whisper). "Oh, I shan't say much, you know—'Good morning, dear,' or something o' that sort. She'll say the rest!!!"
NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FARE
[Pg 23]
Playing down to him.—Young couple (who expect the visit of a very miserly relative, from whom they have expectations) are clearing the room of every sign of luxury.
Wife (earnestly). "We must do all we can to make uncle feel at home."
Husband (caustically). "Then we had better let the fire out."
[Pg 24]
Fair Widow. "Yes, I've made up my mind that when I die I shall be cremated, as my husband was."
Gallant Captain. "Dear lady, please don't talk about such dreadful things. Consider how much better it would be, in your case, to—er—cross out the C!"
Visitor (to Friend lately left a Widower).—"Hullo, Tom! That looks a stiffish bill you've got there!"
Tom.. "Ah, how those rascals of undertakers do fleece you! They know you can hardly help yourself! Of course, in my poor wife's case I would cheerfully have paid double. But one hates to be done.—Um!"
A Wife's Vocation.—Husbandry.
[Pg 25]
A DECLARATION
"Louisa, you've stolen something."
"Go on!"
"You 'ave."
"You're a——! What 'ave I stole?"
"My 'eart!"
[Pg 26]
MARRIAGE MEMORIESWhat the Father says.—Which side must I stand on when I give her away?
What the Mother says.—I am sure the ices will be late for the breakfast.
What the Sister says.—I flatter myself I am the best looking of the eight bridesmaids.
What the Brother says.—Of course, the best man is behind his time—just like him!
What the Pew-opener says.—This way, my dear young lady!
What the Beadle says.—They are sure to be in time, sir. I will motion to you the moment I see 'em a coming.
What the Clergyman says.—Have you got the ring?
What the Crowd says.—Hoorray! That's 'er! Oh, ain't 'e a guy!
What the Old Friend of the Family says.—I have known him too since he was so high. That was nigh upon forty years ago!
What the Funny Man says.—You can see from[Pg 28] my face that I am just the man to be associated with the bridesmaids.
What the Best Man says.—Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking.
What the Bride says.—Good-bye, my own darling mamma and papa, and—Emmy dear, please do see the things are all right before we start.
What the Bridegroom says.—Thank goodness, it is all over.
[Pg 27]
"DECEIVERS EVER"
Goldsmith. "Would you like any name or motto engraved on it, sir?"
Customer (who had chosen an engagement ring). "Ye—yes—um—'Augustus to Irene.' And—ah—loo' here—don't—ah—cut 'Irene' very deep!!"
A SCIENTIFIC WOOER"Drink to me only with thine eyes"—
And if you happen to survive a
So curious potion, pray advise
How it affects the conjunctiva!
This problem, which my mind absorbs,
A veritable Gordian knot is:
How can maids swallow with their orbs?
Where's the protecting epiglottis?
"I sent thee late a rosy wreath"—
For Science' sake, my Angelina,
And hope you noticed underneath
Those buds of rosa damascena.
No high-flown zeal my soul uplifts,
And as for ardour, I've not got any;—
I simply send you floral gifts
To help you forward with your botany!
The Flirt's Paradise.—Coquet Island.
[Pg 29]
SO SWEET OF HER!
Lady (recently married, in answer to congratulations of visiting lady friend). "Thank you, dear. But I still find it very hard to remember my new name."
Friend. "Ah, dear, but of course you had the old one so long!"
[Pg 30]
"Oh, George dear, the landlord has raised the rent!"
"Has he? I can't!"
[Pg 31]
EVIDENCE OF AN EYE-WITNESS
Guest. "Why do you believe in second sight, Major?"
Major Darby (in an impressive whisper). "Because I fell in love at first sight!"
[Pg 32]
FULL MOON FIRST QUARTER
THIRD QUARTER NO MOON
The Brute Creation.—Husbands who beat their wives.
The Height of Modesty.—The most bashful girl we ever knew was one who blushed when she was asked if she had not been courting sleep.
[Pg 33]
"Are you comin' 'ome?"
"I'll do ellythik you like in reasol, M'ria—(hic)—bur I won't come 'ome."
[Pg 34]
Harold. "And now, darling, tell me what your father said when you told him we were engaged."
Sybil. "Oh, Harold, don't ask me to repeat his language!"
TO ALL THE OTHER GIRLSYou know, I like you awfully, Jess,
Phyllis, the same applies to you,
To Edith and to Mary no less,
Also to others, not a few.
Yet some of you are rather "mad,"
You choose to feel, I understand, a
Slight sense of injury, since I've had
The glorious luck to win Amanda.
I wish, sincerely, it were not
Impossible for me to fall
In love with some of you—a lot—
[Pg 36]In fact I'd gladly love you all!
But, when you come to think it out,
I'm sure my reasoning will strike you,
You'll find it, I can have no doubt,
More flattering that I should like you.
Fate sends their wives to poor and rich,
Fate does not send them thus their friends;
Then let my final couplet (which
I rather fancy) make amends.
This fundamental truth, I trust,
My seeming fickleness excuses—
One simply loves because one must
Whereas one likes because one chooses!
[Pg 35]
HIGHLY SATISFACTORY
Mistress. "I'm sorry for you, John; but if your wife has got such a dreadful temper, why did you marry her?"
Coachman (the Fourth Husband). "Well, mum, I had three good characters with her?"
A. "That's Jones's daughter with him. She's just about to be married."
B. "Who's the lucky man?"
A. "Jones."
[Pg 37]
A FESTIVE PROSPECT!
Husband. "Didn't I tell you not to invite your mother back in my——"
Wife. "Dear, that's the very thing she's come about! She read your letter!" [Tableau.
[Pg 38]
DOMESTIC TIE
VALENTINE'S DAY—THEN AND NOWThen—Thirty Years Ago. Family assembled.
Paterfamilias. Post nearly two hours late! Really disgraceful!
Materfamilias. Well, dear, remember it's only once a year, and we used to enjoy it ourselves before we were married!
Eldest Daughter. I got half-a-dozen last year. I dare say I shall get twice as many this.
Second Daughter. I dare say! I believe you send them yourself!
Eldest Daughter. So probable! How can you think of such silly things! And how spiteful of you!
Son and Heir. Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post.
Enter servant with heaps of letters, which are eagerly seized and distributed.
[Pg 40]
Chorus. What are they?
Paterfamilias (disgusted at his budget). Valentines!
Now—To-day. Family assembled as before.
Paterfamilias. The fourteenth of February. Dear me, surely this is a memorable date—somehow.
Materfamilias. To be sure, father. It's Valentine's Day.
Eldest Daughter. Is it really true, mother, that people used to receive pictures just as we do Christmas cards?
Second Daughter. Come, you can surely remember. It's not so very long for you.
Eldest Daughter. Don't be spiteful! Remember, miss, there's only a couple of years between us!
Second Daughter. Really! From our appearance there might be a decade!
Son and Heir. Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post!
Enter servant with a solitary letter.
Chorus. What is it?
Paterfamilias (perusing a bill). Not a Valentine!
"The Act of Union."—Getting married.
[Pg 39]
That dear old Mrs. Wilkinson (who can't always express exactly what she means to say, meeting Jones with the girl of his choice). "And is this young lady your fiasco, Mr. Jones?"]
[Pg 41]
Brown. "I say, old man, who's that very plain elderly lady you were walking with—now sitting here?"
Smith (the impecunious, who has married money). "Oh, that's my wife."
Brown. "Your wife! But"—(lowering his voice)—"She has only one eye—and so awfully—I beg your pardon—but——"
Smith (pleasantly). "You needn't whisper, old man. She's deaf"
[Pg 42]
LOVE IN LACONICSHe. Love you! Have me, dear?
She. Humph! How much a year?
He. Three hundred! Expectations.
She. Tales of hope! Relations?
He. Aunt. Ten thousand pounder.
Eighty. Always found her
Liberal. Thinks me Crichton,
Seedy now at Brighton.
Made her will,—a right 'un!
She. Ah! Aunt-icipations,—
Like x in equations—
Unknown quantity?
Question! Let me see,
Love + "screw" + x
(Latter for expecs)
Equals Me + You!
Hardly think 'twill do!
Do not wish to vex,
But,—first find out x!
He. If I prove x ample—
She. I'll no longer trample
On your hopes.
He. Agreed!
She. Hope you may succeed!
The Result of an Imprudent Marriage (by our own Matrimonial Adviser).—County Court-ship.
[Pg 43]
Ethel. "Why, what's the matter, Gertrude?"
Gertrude. "Oh, nothing. Only Jack and I had a quarrel the
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