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I reckon she'll 'a corst me pretty near two-an'-eleven a pound afore I git 'er 'ome!"

[Pg 20]

SONGS OF THE HEARTH-RUG

THE NEGLECTED WIFE TO HER RUSHLIGHT

My rushlight, when first kindled,

Twelve inches long wast thou;

And I behold thee dwindled

To one, my candle, now!

How brief thy span, contrasted

With rushlight's average life!

A happier dip had lasted

A week a happier wife.

Where is my husband got to?

Oh say, expiring light!

A man ought really not to

Stay out so every night.

I'm sure that Bradshaw's press'd him

To join his tippling lot:

That Bradshaw! I detest him;—

The good-for-nothing sot!

Would that this piece of paper,

Which, ere thy flame expire,

I light from thee, my taper,

Could set that club on fire.

A Blunder-buss.—Kissing the wrong girl.

Motto for the Married.—Never dis-pair.

Mem. by "One who Married in Haste."—"The real 'Battle of Life' begins with a short engagement."

[Pg 21]

Man talking to wife who is in room above.

Time—3 a.m.


Voice from above. "Is that you, John? You're very late, aren't you?"

Brown (returned from celebrating the latest victory). "It's only about—er—twelve, my dear, I think——"

The Cuckoo Clock. "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

Brown (grasping situation instantly). "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

[Pg 22]

Nurse with a child in rain

A WET NURSE

"LITERA SCRIPTA."Wooer. "Oh, Miss—oh, Lavinia! may I not still hope?—or is your cruel rejection of my suit final and irrevoc——" Spinster (firmly). "Yes, Mr. Brown, I seriously desire you will regard it so." Wooer. "Then, dearest, may I ask you"—(producing the materials from adjacent writing-table)—"to—ah—put it on papar! I shall feel safer!"

A "Noiseless Sewing Machine."—A good wife.

Pauca Verba.Robinson (after a long Whist bout at the Club). "It's awfully late, Brown. What will you say to your wife?" Brown (in a whisper). "Oh, I shan't say much, you know—'Good morning, dear,' or something o' that sort. She'll say the rest!!!"

Two taxi drivers' fighting over a fare.

NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FARE

[Pg 23]

Man and wife in discussion

Playing down to him.Young couple (who expect the visit of a very miserly relative, from whom they have expectations) are clearing the room of every sign of luxury.

Wife (earnestly). "We must do all we can to make uncle feel at home."

Husband (caustically). "Then we had better let the fire out."

[Pg 24]

Man and woman talking.

Fair Widow. "Yes, I've made up my mind that when I die I shall be cremated, as my husband was."

Gallant Captain. "Dear lady, please don't talk about such dreadful things. Consider how much better it would be, in your case, to—er—cross out the C!"

Visitor (to Friend lately left a Widower).—"Hullo, Tom! That looks a stiffish bill you've got there!"

Tom.. "Ah, how those rascals of undertakers do fleece you! They know you can hardly help yourself! Of course, in my poor wife's case I would cheerfully have paid double. But one hates to be done.—Um!"

A Wife's Vocation.—Husbandry.

[Pg 25]

Man and woman talking.

A DECLARATION


"Louisa, you've stolen something."

"Go on!"

"You 'ave."

"You're a——! What 'ave I stole?"

"My 'eart!"

[Pg 26]

MARRIAGE MEMORIES

What the Father says.—Which side must I stand on when I give her away?

What the Mother says.—I am sure the ices will be late for the breakfast.

What the Sister says.—I flatter myself I am the best looking of the eight bridesmaids.

What the Brother says.—Of course, the best man is behind his time—just like him!

What the Pew-opener says.—This way, my dear young lady!

What the Beadle says.—They are sure to be in time, sir. I will motion to you the moment I see 'em a coming.

What the Clergyman says.—Have you got the ring?

What the Crowd says.—Hoorray! That's 'er! Oh, ain't 'e a guy!

What the Old Friend of the Family says.—I have known him too since he was so high. That was nigh upon forty years ago!

What the Funny Man says.—You can see from[Pg 28] my face that I am just the man to be associated with the bridesmaids.

What the Best Man says.—Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking.

What the Bride says.—Good-bye, my own darling mamma and papa, and—Emmy dear, please do see the things are all right before we start.

What the Bridegroom says.—Thank goodness, it is all over.

[Pg 27]

Customer dicussing engagement ring.

"DECEIVERS EVER"


Goldsmith. "Would you like any name or motto engraved on it, sir?"

Customer (who had chosen an engagement ring). "Ye—yes—um—'Augustus to Irene.' And—ah—loo' here—don't—ah—cut 'Irene' very deep!!"

A SCIENTIFIC WOOER

"Drink to me only with thine eyes"—

And if you happen to survive a

So curious potion, pray advise

How it affects the conjunctiva!

This problem, which my mind absorbs,

A veritable Gordian knot is:

How can maids swallow with their orbs?

Where's the protecting epiglottis?

"I sent thee late a rosy wreath"—

For Science' sake, my Angelina,

And hope you noticed underneath

Those buds of rosa damascena.

No high-flown zeal my soul uplifts,

And as for ardour, I've not got any;—

I simply send you floral gifts

To help you forward with your botany!

The Flirt's Paradise.—Coquet Island.

[Pg 29]

Discussion group.

SO SWEET OF HER!

Lady (recently married, in answer to congratulations of visiting lady friend). "Thank you, dear. But I still find it very hard to remember my new name."

Friend. "Ah, dear, but of course you had the old one so long!"

[Pg 30]

Couple in conversation

"Oh, George dear, the landlord has raised the rent!"

"Has he? I can't!"

[Pg 31]

two men in discussion.

EVIDENCE OF AN EYE-WITNESS


Guest. "Why do you believe in second sight, Major?"

Major Darby (in an impressive whisper). "Because I fell in love at first sight!"

[Pg 32]

Couple sitting on bench.

FULL MOON        FIRST QUARTER 

Couple sitting on bench.

THIRD QUARTER          NO MOON

The Brute Creation.—Husbands who beat their wives.

The Height of Modesty.—The most bashful girl we ever knew was one who blushed when she was asked if she had not been courting sleep.

[Pg 33]

Inebriated man talking to his wife.

"Are you comin' 'ome?"

"I'll do ellythik you like in reasol, M'ria—(hic)—bur I won't come 'ome."

[Pg 34]

Couple sitting on bench.

Harold. "And now, darling, tell me what your father said when you told him we were engaged."

Sybil. "Oh, Harold, don't ask me to repeat his language!"

TO ALL THE OTHER GIRLS

You know, I like you awfully, Jess,

Phyllis, the same applies to you,

To Edith and to Mary no less,

Also to others, not a few.

Yet some of you are rather "mad,"

You choose to feel, I understand, a

Slight sense of injury, since I've had

The glorious luck to win Amanda.

I wish, sincerely, it were not

Impossible for me to fall

In love with some of you—a lot

[Pg 36]

In fact I'd gladly love you all!

But, when you come to think it out,

I'm sure my reasoning will strike you,

You'll find it, I can have no doubt,

More flattering that I should like you.

Fate sends their wives to poor and rich,

Fate does not send them thus their friends;

Then let my final couplet (which

I rather fancy) make amends.

This fundamental truth, I trust,

My seeming fickleness excuses—

One simply loves because one must

Whereas one likes because one chooses!

[Pg 35]

Lady talking with coachman

HIGHLY SATISFACTORY


Mistress. "I'm sorry for you, John; but if your wife has got such a dreadful temper, why did you marry her?"

Coachman (the Fourth Husband). "Well, mum, I had three good characters with her?"

two men discussing passers-by

A. "That's Jones's daughter with him. She's just about to be married."

B. "Who's the lucky man?"

A. "Jones."

[Pg 37]

Couple talking.

A FESTIVE PROSPECT!


Husband. "Didn't I tell you not to invite your mother back in my——"

Wife. "Dear, that's the very thing she's come about! She read your letter!"       [Tableau.

[Pg 38]

Man tying corset around woman.

DOMESTIC TIE

VALENTINE'S DAY—THEN AND NOW

Then—Thirty Years Ago. Family assembled.

Paterfamilias. Post nearly two hours late! Really disgraceful!

Materfamilias. Well, dear, remember it's only once a year, and we used to enjoy it ourselves before we were married!

Eldest Daughter. I got half-a-dozen last year. I dare say I shall get twice as many this.

Second Daughter. I dare say! I believe you send them yourself!

Eldest Daughter. So probable! How can you think of such silly things! And how spiteful of you!

Son and Heir. Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post.

Enter servant with heaps of letters, which are eagerly seized and distributed.

[Pg 40]

Chorus. What are they?

Paterfamilias (disgusted at his budget). Valentines!


Now—To-day. Family assembled as before.


Paterfamilias. The fourteenth of February. Dear me, surely this is a memorable date—somehow.

Materfamilias. To be sure, father. It's Valentine's Day.

Eldest Daughter. Is it really true, mother, that people used to receive pictures just as we do Christmas cards?

Second Daughter. Come, you can surely remember. It's not so very long for you.

Eldest Daughter. Don't be spiteful! Remember, miss, there's only a couple of years between us!

Second Daughter. Really! From our appearance there might be a decade!

Son and Heir. Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post!

Enter servant with a solitary letter.

Chorus. What is it?

Paterfamilias (perusing a bill). Not a Valentine!

"The Act of Union."—Getting married.

[Pg 39]

Old lady talking to couple.

That dear old Mrs. Wilkinson (who can't always express exactly what she means to say, meeting Jones with the girl of his choice). "And is this young lady your fiasco, Mr. Jones?"]

[Pg 41]

Men dicussing seated woman.

Brown. "I say, old man, who's that very plain elderly lady you were walking with—now sitting here?"

Smith (the impecunious, who has married money). "Oh, that's my wife."

Brown. "Your wife! But"—(lowering his voice)—"She has only one eye—and so awfully—I beg your pardon—but——"

Smith (pleasantly). "You needn't whisper, old man. She's deaf"

[Pg 42]

LOVE IN LACONICS

He. Love you! Have me, dear?

She. Humph! How much a year?

He. Three hundred! Expectations.

She. Tales of hope! Relations?

He. Aunt. Ten thousand pounder.

Eighty. Always found her

Liberal. Thinks me Crichton,

Seedy now at Brighton.

Made her will,—a right 'un!

She. Ah! Aunt-icipations,—

Like x in equations—

Unknown quantity?

Question! Let me see,

Love + "screw" + x

(Latter for expecs)

Equals Me + You!

Hardly think 'twill do!

Do not wish to vex,

But,—first find out x!

He. If I prove x ample—

She. I'll no longer trample

On your hopes.

He.         Agreed!

She. Hope you may succeed!


The Result of an Imprudent Marriage (by our own Matrimonial Adviser).—County Court-ship.


[Pg 43]

Two women talking.

Ethel. "Why, what's the matter, Gertrude?"

Gertrude. "Oh, nothing. Only Jack and I had a quarrel the

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