Mr. Punch's Book of Love: Being the Humours of Courtship and Matrimony by Hammerton et al. (urban books to read TXT) 📖
- Author: Hammerton et al.
Book online «Mr. Punch's Book of Love: Being the Humours of Courtship and Matrimony by Hammerton et al. (urban books to read TXT) 📖». Author Hammerton et al.
[Pg 44]
THE IDEAL HUSBAND
My dear Ethel,—You ask me what "sort of a husband" I recommend. My dear, ask me the name of a dressmaker, of a doctor, or of a (ugh!) dentist, and I can tell you precisely. I can name the man. But what sort of a husband! Well, after sifting the matter carefully, and after looking before you leap, and after an experience of some few years of married life, I say, decidedly, choose a man ...
WHO LIKES TO GO SHOPPING.
You will find him very useful if managed judiciously; he will prove an immense saving to you, as if you went alone you would have to tip porters, and squabble with cabmen. Then from a certain view I should advise some of those "about to marry" to select a man who has no club. But this is an exceptional case. Finally, if you wish to be strictly economical, and to live in the suburbs, or in the country, and if your husband has no occupation or profession, then I should say, in order that you may attend assiduously to your domestic duties, which include visiting, five o'clock teas, and so forth, then ascertain that your husband is of a maternal disposition, and one ...
WHO DOES THIS.
If I think of anything else I will let you know. But, above all, please yourself, and by so doing you will delight
Yours affectionately,
Dora.
[Pg 45]
"OUT OF THE FRYING-PAN," &c.
Parson (to Ne'er-do-weel). "What's this I hear, Giles—that your wife has left you! Ah! this is what I——"
Giles. "She might do worse than that, sir."
Parson (shocked). "Worse!"
Giles. "She might come back again!"
[Pg 46]
TO A RICH YOUNG WIDOW.I will not ask if thou canst touch
The tuneful ivory key?
Those silent notes of thine are such
As quite suffice for me.
I'll make no question if thy skill
The pencil comprehends,
Enough for me, love, if thou still
Canst draw thy dividends!
"So Selfish?"—Husband (with pride). "My love, I've been effecting—I've insured my life to-day for ten thousand pou——"
Young Wife. "Just like the men! Always looking out for themselves! I think—you might have insured mine while you were about it!!"
By a Fashionable Young Married Woman.—The latest thing out—My husband.
Celibacy and Wedlock.—If single life is bad, then it stands to reason that double life is twice as bad.
Employment for Women.—Matchmaking.
[Pg 47]
VERY NECESSARY
Young Wife. "I'm so happy! I wonder you never married."
Elderly Spinster. "My child, I've always said I never would and never could marry until I met a man different from other men and full of courage."
Young Wife. "Of course you couldn't. How stupid of me."
[Pg 48]
THE "OFF" SEASONDaphne, that day
Do you remember
(Then it was May,
Now it's November)
Plighting our troth
Nothing should sever;
Binding us both
Firmly, for ever?
Yes, I allow
Strephon's more showy;—
As for me, now
I prefer Chloe.
Yet, if men say
"Fickle," remember
Then it was May,
Now it's November.
Paper for the Newly-Married..—The Economist.
"� Propos!"—Sententious Old Bachelor (in the course of conversation). "As the 'old saw' has it, my dear madam, 'Man proposes, but——'"
Widow (promptly). "Yes; but that's just what he doesn't do!" (Tableau!)Motto for the Divorce Court.—Marry, and come up!
[Pg 49]
She. "But, George, suppose papa settles my dowry on me in my own right?"
He. "Well, my dear girl, it's—er—nothing to me if he does!"
[Pg 50]
ABOUT TO ENTER THE BRIDAL STATE
LOVE LETTERS OF A BUSINESS MAN.The course of true love, though beset with almost insurmountable obstacles, often rewards the faithful lovers at the last with supreme happiness. But, alas! sometimes the said true love proves naught but a toboggan-slide leading to a precipice, into which the true lovers' hopes are hurled and dashed into atomic smithereens.
We have before us a volume of a "Business Man's Love Letters," a few extracts from which we give below. Reader, if you have a tear, prepare to shed it now! The burning passion which surges in the lover's heart, though embodied in phrases habitually used by a business man, is sure to touch your soul. But presently comes the pathetic ending, when she is no longer anything to him, and he—to use the imperfect but[Pg 52] comprehensive vernacular—is to her as "dead as a door nail." Reader, read on!
I.
August 1, 1899.
Dear Miss Smythe,—With reference to my visit last evening at the house of Mr. John Jorkins, our mutual friend, when I had the pleasure of meeting you.
Having been much charmed[Pg 54] by your conversation and general attractiveness, I beg to inquire whether you will allow me to cultivate the acquaintanceship further.
Awaiting the favour of your esteemed reply,
Yours faithfully,
John Green.
II.
August 3, 1899.
My Dear Miss Smythe,—I beg to acknowledge with many thanks receipt of your letter of even date, contents of which I note with much pleasure.
[Pg 56]
I hope to call this evening at 7.15 p.m., when I trust to find you at home.
With kindest regards, I beg to remain,
Yours very truly,
John Green.
III.
August 21, 1899.
My dearest Evelina,—Referring to our[Pg 58] conversation this evening when you consented to become my wife.
I beg to confirm the arrangement then made, and would suggest the wedding should take place within the ensuing six months. No doubt you will give the other necessary details your best consideration, and will communicate your views to me in due course.
Trusting there is every happiness before us,
I remain,
Your darling Chickabiddy,
John.
IV.
August 22, 1899.
My ownest Tootsey-wootsey,—Enclosed please find 22-carat gold engagement ring, set with thirteen diamonds and three rubies, receipt of which kindly acknowledge by return.
Trusting same will give every satisfaction,
I am,
Your only lovey-dovey,
Johnny.
X X X X X X Kindly note kisses.
V.
November 24, 1899.
My sweetest Evelina,—I am duly in receipt of your letter of 20th inst., which I regret was not answered before owing to pressure of business.
In reply thereto I beg to state that I do love you dearly, and only you, and also no one else in[Pg 62] all the world. Further I shall have much pleasure in continuing to love you for evermore, and no one else in all the world.
Trusting to see you this evening as usual and in good health.
I am, Your ownest own,
John.
VI.
January 4, 1900.
To Miss Smythe, Madam,—In accordance with the intention expressed in my letter of yesterday, I duly forwarded addressed to you a parcel containing all letters, etc., received from you, and presume they have been safely delivered.
I have received to-day, per carrier, a parcel containing various letters which I have written to you from time to time. No doubt it was your intention to despatch the complete number written by me, but I notice one dated August 21 is not included. Will you kindly forward the letter in question by return, when I will send you a full receipt?
Yours faithfully,
John Green.
VII.
January 6, 1900.
To Miss Smythe, Madam,—I beg to acknowledge receipt of your letter of yesterday, and note your object in retaining my letter of August 21 last. As I intend to defend the issue in the case,[Pg 66] I shall do as you request, and will leave all further communications to be made through my solicitors.
Yours, &c.,
John Green.
VIII.
15, Peace Court, Temple, E.C.
Messrs. Bang, Crash & Co.,
9a, Quarrel Row, E.C.
Smythe v. Green.
Gentlemen,—We are in receipt of your communication of yesterday's date, with which you enclose copy of letter dated August 21. We note that you state the document in question has been duly stamped at Somerset House, and are writing our client this evening with a view to offering your client terms, through you, to stay the proceedings which have been commenced.
Yours faithfully,
Blithers, Blathers, Blothers & Co.
Strange but True.—When does a husband find his wife out? When he finds her at home and she doesn't expect him.
[Pg 51]
CAUTION
Married Sister. "And of course, Laura, you will go to Rome or Florence for your honeymoon?"
Laura. "Oh dear, no! I couldn't think of going further than the Isle of Wight with a man I know little or nothing of!"
LOVE'S PROMPTINGS
Edwin (recit). "'There is no one beside thee, and no one above thee. Thou standest alone, as the nightingale sings!'" &c., &c.
Angelina (amorously). "Oh, Edwin, how do you think of such beautiful things?"
[Pg 53]
DIFFERENT ASPECTS
She. "Isn't it a pretty view?"
Susceptible Youth. "Awfully pretty, by Jove!"
MARRIED v. SINGLE
Bee (single). "Why do you wear a pink blouse, dear? It makes you look so yellow!"
Bella (married). "Does it, dear? Of course you can make your complexion suit any blouse, can't you!"
[Pg 55]
He. "My people are bothering me to marry Miss Mayford."
She. "You'd be very lucky if you did. She is very clever and very beautiful——"
He. "Oh! I don't want to marry brains and beauty. I want to marry you."
AN AMBIGUOUS COMPLIMENT
Miss Beekley. "I'm so glad I'm not an heiress, Mr. Soper. I should never know whether my suitors were attracted by myself or my money."
Mr. Soper. "Oh, Miss Beekley, your mirror should leave you in no doubt on that score!"
[Pg 57]
Bulkley. "Yes; her parents persuaded her, and it's all over between us."
Sympathetic Friend. "She can't have realised what a lot she was giving up."
[Pg 59]
Wife. "I hope you talked plainly to him."
Husband. "I did indeed. I told him he was a fool, a perfect fool!"
Wife (approvingly). "Dear John! How exactly like you!"
[Pg 60]
THE OLD, OLD STORY!
The Colonel. "Yes; he was senior wrangler of his year, and she took a mathematical scholarship at Girton; and now they're engaged!"
Mrs. Jones. "Dear me, how interesting! and oh, how different their conversation must be from the insipid twaddle of ordinary lovers!"
THEIR CONVERSATION
He. "And what would dovey do, if lovey were to die?"
She. "Oh, dovey would die too!"
[Pg 61]
NEEDLESSLY POINTED
Sympathetic Friend. "Well, my dear, I'm sure your mother will miss you sadly after your having been with her so long!"
[Pg 63]
ALTRUISM
Maud (newly married). "You look very melancholy, George; are you sorry you married me?"
George. "No, dear—of course not. I was only thinking of all the nice girls I can't marry."
Maud. "Oh, George, how horrid of you! I thought you cared for nobody but me?"
George. "No more I do. I wasn't thinking of myself, but of the disappointment for them.
[Pg 64]
Comments (0)