Mr. Punch's Book of Love: Being the Humours of Courtship and Matrimony by Hammerton et al. (urban books to read TXT) 📖
- Author: Hammerton et al.
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And yet I yearn so much to draw
My neighbour!
I'm keeping one commandment—an
Epitome of all the ten—
So if I, when my life began,
Was born in sin like other men,
To innocence that shames the dove,
I've mellowed since I was a babe, or
How could I so devoutly love
My neighbour?
[Pg 149]
First Young Wife. "Do you find it more economical, dear, to do your own cooking?"
Second Young Wife. "Oh, certainly. My husband doesn't eat half so much as he did!"
[Pg 150]
The Snub Connubial.—Loving Wife. "Charles, dear, I wish you would put down that horrid novel and talk to me; I feel so dull; and—oh, Charles! my foot's asleep——" Charles. "Hush—sh! my dear, you might wake it!"
The Oldest and the Shortest Drama in the World.—He. "Will you?" She. "Oh! I do not know!" (Which "know" meant that she said "yes.")
ADVICE TO GIRL GRADUATES(After Charles Kingsley—at a respectful distance)
Dress well, sweet maid, and let who will be clever.
Dance, flirt, and sing!
Don't study all day long.
Or else you'll find,
When other girls get married,
You'll sing a different song!
Faults on Both Sides.—Man and wife are like a pair of scissors, so long as they are together, but they become daggers so soon as they are disunited.
Partnership without Limited Liability.—Marriage.
[Pg 151]
BRUTES!
Jones. "Did you ever see a volcano in course of eruption?"
Smith. "No—but once I remember I came home very late from the club, and my wife——"
[They understand one another
[Pg 152]
A MAN OF MANY WOES
READING BETWEEN THE MARRIAGE LINES(By a Recent Victim)
One of the first troubles to be faced by the young wife is the difficulty of getting servants. It will be found that a cook is almost indispensable. Rather than be without one, take time by the forelock and, during the engagement, try the following advertisement (one is bound to offer additional attractions nowadays):—"Wanted, at once, a good plain cook. If necessary, advertiser would be willing to make her a bridesmaid. Must be able to wear blue."
Or again:—"Newly married couple require cook and parlour maid. All china, glass, &c., in house new and unused and never been broken before."
In taking a house, remember that it is absolutely necessary to have an attic—in which to[Pg 154] place some of the presents. It is all very well to say that they can be put in the servants' hall, but it must not be forgotten that it is now very difficult to keep servants, even under the most favourable circumstances.
You cannot be too careful in giving instructions for your house decoration. "In the dining-room I think I would like a dado," I said one day to the paper-man. The paper-man's face turned almost white at the suggestion. "You cannot, sir," he said in a hushed voice, "the dado is extinct." Then he explained that persons of taste have friezes nowadays, both in summer and winter.
To avoid a rush at the end, it will be worth the bride's while to write out beforehand a large number of letters of thanks for wedding-presents. The most handy form is, "Dear——, We both thank you so very much for your—— present." When the present arrives you can fill in the missing word as circumstances require. On no account leave the blank.
Another happy form is, "Dear——, Thank you so much for your charming and useful present. Please, what is it for?"
But beware of the following form, as some persons do not take it in the way in which it is meant, "Dear——, Many thanks for your present. It is very good of you to have sent anything."
Nothing looks so solidly generous in the list of presents as the vague word, Cheque. Many mean people now send as a present a cheque for ten-and-six.
A novelty at wedding-receptions, and very chic, is to have in the present-room, in place of a detective, a parrot which has been trained to cry out every now and then, "Put that back! Put that back!"
Another novelty is to have a stall for the sale of duplicate articles.
The custom by which the bridegroom, on the night before the wedding, gives a farewell dinner to his bachelor friends is falling into desuetude. As a consequence one sees less frequently the announcement:—"On the —— instant, by the Rev. Mr. ——, assisted by the Rev. Mr. ——, &c."
[Pg 153]
SPORTING EVENT—A RECORD
She won the Sweep!
[Pg 155]
ILLUMINISM
The Hon. Muriel. "Oh yes, I suppose I could get married, if I could find a man I simply couldn't live without."
The Hon. Maude. "My dear girl, the difficulty is to find a man you can live with!"
IN LEAP YEAR
Hopeless Widower. "Nothing can mend a broken heart."
Hopeful Widow. "Except re-pairing."
[Pg 157]
THE LAST CONGRATULATION
Fair Guest (who, having had a desperate flirtation with the bridegroom a short time ago, wouldn't be absent from the ceremony on any account). "Well, Algey, it's all over now! Aren't you pleased?"
[Uncomfortable position of Algey.
WAIT FOR AGE.Seventeen. "Is marriage a failure? I should like to know!"
Seven-and-Twenty. "My dear, when as long as myself you have tarried,
You will not need much demonstration to show
That the only true failure is—not getting married!"
Female Definition of Leap Year.—Miss Understood.
[Pg 159]
A PLEASANT PROSPECT
Miss Kitty Candour (who has just accepted dear Reggie, and is now taking him fully into her confidence). "I must tell you, Reggie dear, that the great fault of my character is that after I have taken any resolution—it doesn't matter what it may be—I always bitterly repent it!"
[Pg 160]
EVOLUTIONShe sketched a husband strong and brave
On whom her heart might lean;
None but a hero would she have—
This girl of 17.
Her fancy subsequently turned
From deeds of derring do;
For brainy intercourse she yearned
When she was 22.
The years sped on, ambition taught
A worldly-wise design;
A man of wealth was what she sought
When she was 29.
But Time has modified her plan;
Weak, imbecile, or poor—
She's simply looking for a man
Now she is 34.
Our Village Industrial Competition.—Husband (just home from the City). "My angel!—crying!—whatever's the matter?" Wife. "They've—awarded me—prize medal"—(sobbing)—"f' my sponge cake!" Husband (soothingly). "And I'm quite sure it deserv——" Wife (hysterically). "Oh—but—'t said—'twas—for the best specimen—o' concrete!"
[Pg 161]
"FOR THIS RELIEF——?"
"I'm sorry to hear your wife is suffering from her throat. I hope it's nothing serious?"
"No, I don't think so. The doctor's forbidden her to talk much. It'll trouble her a good deal, I expect, and she won't be herself for some time."
[Pg 162]
AN ENGAGEMENT(A Page from a Diary)
Monday.—Delightful news! My sister Nellie is engaged to be married! It came upon us all as a great surprise. I never had the slightest suspicion that Nellie cared twopence about old Goodbody St. Leger. He is such a staid, solemn old party, a regular fossilised bachelor we all thought. Not at all the sort of man to give way to emotions or to be in love. However, it's a capital match for Nellie as St. Leger's firm are about the largest accountants in the city. My wife thinks it will be a good thing in another way, too, as my other six sisters may now have a chance of going off. It seems that when once this kind of epidemic gets into a family, all the unmarried sisters go popping off like blazes one after another. Called with my wife this afternoon to congratulate Nellie. Rather a trial for the poor girl, as all sorts of female relatives had called full of enthusiasm and congratulations. Goodbody was there (Nellie calls him "Goodie") and seemed rather overwhelmed.
[Pg 164]
He went away early and didn't kiss Nellie. I thought this funny, and chaffed Nellie about it afterwards. She said she'd soon make that all right.
Tuesday.—Goodbody is getting on. We had a family dinner at home to-night. He came rather late and entered the drawing-room with an air of great determination, marched straight up to Nellie and kissed her violently. It was splendidly done and we all felt inclined to cheer. He kissed her again when he went away, and lingered so long in saying good-night to my mother that we all thought he was going to kiss her too. But he didn't. My wife said that the suspense of those moments was dreadful.
Wednesday.—He has kissed my mother—on both cheeks. I must say the old lady took it extraordinarily well, though she was not in the very least prepared for it. It happened at five o'clock tea, in an interval of complete silence, and those two sounding smacks simply reverberated through the room. Mother was quite cheerful afterwards, and spoke to Nellie about the trousseau in her usual calm and collected frame of mind. Still I can see that the incident has made a deep impression upon[Pg 166] her. My wife told Maggie it would be her turn next.
Thursday.—It has been Maggie's turn. Goodbody called at home on his way from the City, and set to work as soon as he got into the drawing-room. He first kissed Nellie, then repeated the performance with my poor mother, and, finding that Maggie was close behind him, he kissed her on the forehead. Where will this end?
Friday.—He has regularly broken loose. He dined at home to-day, and, without a word of warning, kissed the whole family—my mother, Nellie, Maggie, Alice, Mabel, Polly, Maud, and little Beta. He quite forgot he had begun with my mother, and, after he had kissed Beta, got confused, and began all over again. At this moment my wife and I came in with Aunt Catherine, whom we had brought in our carriage.[Pg 172] Both my wife and Aunt Catherine tried to escape, but it was no good. He kissed them both, and was just advancing towards me, when the butler fortunately announced dinner. Matters are getting quite desperate, and we none of us know what ought to be done. Aunt Catherine had a violent fit of hysterics in the spare bedroom after dinner.
Saturday.—The engagement is broken off. A great relief. It has been a lesson for all of us.
[Pg 163]
THE RETORT DISCOURTEOUS
She. "Ah, it was very different before we were married. Then my word was law!"
He. "And a very vulgar word, too, my dear."
[Pg 165]
SO CONVENIENT!
Young Wife. "Where are you going, Reggie dear?"
Reggie Dear. "Only to the club, my darling."
Young Wife. "Oh, I don't mind that, because there's a telephone there, and I can talk to you through it, can't I?"
Reggie Dear. "Y-yes—but—er—you know, the confounded wires are always getting out of order!"
PAST AND PRESENT
Serious and much-Married Man. "My dear friend, I was astonished to hear of your dining at Madame Trois�toiles!—a 'woman with a past,' you know!"
The Friend (bachelor "unattached"). "Well, you see, old man, she's got a first-rate chef, so it isn't her 'past,' but her 're-past' that I care about."
[Pg 167]
"Good-bye, Alfred darling. You have cheered me up. If I get lonely and depressed again, I'll just look at your dear photo—that's
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