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sort of scalloped jacket. A raw young man with her, evidently quite spooney; and they larded their talk with rather too many "loves" and "dears" for my taste, for you know we are never tender in public. It grated so on my ear, that at last I made some harmless joke to try and stop it, but mademoiselle, who spoke in that mincing way you detest, turtled up, so I held my tongue all the rest of the way, and amused myself with looking at your carte, and concocting one of my own for our great dinner on the 29th, for the chef has gone to Spithead, and left all to me. And now, my duck, not to mince matters, when I have got that off my mind (if the dinner is only as well dressed as you, it will do), you must fix the day. I am quite unsettled. I cannot concentrate my thoughts on my gravies as I ought, and my desserts are anything but meritorious. All your fault, miss. You are as slippery as an eel. I must have it all arranged when I come up to the City next week. I have some business in the Poultry, but shall slip away as soon as I can, and bring your mother the potted grouse and chutney. ("Cunning man," I hear you say, "he wants to curry favour with mamma.") And you will do what I ask? Where shall we go for our wedding trip?—Strasbourg, Turkey, Cayenne, Westphalia, Worcestershire? Perhaps, I think most of coming back to the little house which I know somebody will always keep in apple-pie order, and of covers for two; and I shall admire the pretty filbert-nails while she peels my nuts, and we will both give up our flirtations, mere entremets, and sit down soberly to enjoy that substantial pi�ce de r�sistance—Matrimony. Do you like the menu? Then, my lamb, say "yes" to

Your own

Alfred.

P.S.—I know my temper is rather short, but then think of my crust! And it speaks well for me that I would rather be roasted fifty times than buttered once. I do hate flummery, certainly.

[Pg 81]

Manand woman talking.

She. "It's no use bothering me, Jack. I shall marry whom I please."

He. "That's all I'm asking you to do, my dear. You please me well enough!"

[Pg 82]

Couple discussing seated elder couple.

AN UNFORESEEN MATRIMONIAL CONTINGENCY

Angelina. "Did you ever see anything so wonderful as the likeness between old Mr. and Mrs. Bellamy, Edwin? One would think they were brother and sister, instead of husband and wife!"

Edwin. "Married people always grow like each other in time, darling. It's very touching and beautiful to behold!"

Angelina (not without anxiety). "Dear me! And is it invariably the case, my love?"

[Pg 83]

Couple talking to small boy.

The Widow's Intended. "Well, Tommy, has your mother told you of my good fortune."

Tommy. "No. She only said she was going to marry you!"

[Pg 85]

Man looking at bunch of flowers.

Young Muddleigh, who has been out buying underwear for his personal use, purchases at the same establishment some flowers for his ladye-love—leaving a note to be enclosed. Imagine Young Muddleigh's horror, on returning to dress, to discover that the underwear had been sent with the note, and the flowers to him! Muddleigh discovered, repeating slowly to himself the contents of the note:—"Please wear these this evening, for my sake!"

[Pg 86]

Couple talking.

"IS IT A FAILURE?"

Mamma (their last unmarried daughter having just accepted an offer). "Well, George, now the girls are all happily settled, I think we may consider ourselves fortunate, and that marriage isn't——"

Papa (a pessimist). "Um—'don't know! Four families to keep 'stead of one!"

[Pg 87]

Couple talking.

SO FRIVOLOUS!

Wife. "Solomon, I have a bone to pick with you."

Solomon (flippantly) "With pleasure, my dear, so long as it's a funny bone!"

[Pg 89]

Row of men seated on bench.

"HUSBANDS IN WAITING"

[Pg 90]

Large lady, small husband

Stout Wife. "I shall never get through here, James. If you were half a man, you would lift me over!"

Husband. "If you were half a woman, my dear, it would be easier!"

[Pg 91]

Two ladies talking.

"Was he very much cast down after he'd spoken to papa?"

"Yes. Three flights of stairs!"

[Pg 93]

Wife talking to husband.

"SCORED"

Little Wife. "Now, Fred dear, I'm ready."

Lazy Husband. "I'm awfully sorry, dear; but I must stay in, as I'm expecting a friend every minute."

Little Wife (sarcastically). "A friend every minute! Heavens, Fred! What a crowd of friends you'll have by the end of the day!"

[Pg 94]

Two people talking.

DECIDEDLY PLEASANT

Genial Youth. "I say, Gubby, old chap, is this really true about your going to marry my sister Edie?"

Gubbins. "Yes, Tommy. It's all settled. But why do you ask?"

G. Y. "Oh! only because I shall have such a jolly slack time now! You know I've pulled off nearly all her engagements so far, only you're the first one who's been a real stayer!!"

[Pg 95]

Man talking to woman.

He. "The joke was, both these girls were hopelessly in love with me, and I made them madly jealous of each other."

She. "I wonder you had the face to do it, Mr. Sparkins!"

[Pg 97]

Wife and husband in discussion.

"WE FELL OUT, MY WIFE AND I"

He. "That's absurd! Do you think I'm as big a fool as I look?"

She. "I think that if you aren't, you have a great deal to be thankful for!"

[Pg 99]

Man and wife talking

SUCH AN EXAMPLE

Wife (to husband, who has barked his shins violently against the bed, and is muttering something to himself). "Oh, Jack, how can you! Supposing baby were to hear you!"

[Pg 100]

Man and woman walking in the country.

She (after they have walked three miles without a word being spoken). "Aw say, John, tha'art very quoiet. Has nowt fur to say?"

He. "What mun aw say? Aw dunno know."

She. "Say that tha loves me."

He. "It's a'reet sayin' aw love thee, but aw dunno loike tellin' loies!"

[Pg 101]
Sitting in overcrowded room.

Partner of his Joys (who has superintended the removal). "Well, dear, you haven't said how you like the new flat!"

[Pg 102]

WHAT TO WEAR ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.

(By a Confirmed and Cantankerous Celibate)

Married in white,

You have hooked him all right.

Married in grey,

He will ne'er get away.

Married in black,

He will wish himself back.

Married in red,

He will wish himself dead.

Married in green,

His true colour is seen.

Married in blue,

He will look it, not you.

Married in pearl,

He the distaff will twirl.

Married in yellow,

Poor fellow! Poor fellow!

Married in brown,

Down, down, derry down.

Married in pink,

To a slave he will sink.

Married in crimson,

He'll dangle your whims on.

Married in buff,

He will soon have enough.

Married in scarlet,

Poor victimised varlet!

Married in violet, purple, or puce,

It doesn't much matter, they all mean—the deuce!

[Pg 103]

Couple looking at showcase of spoons.

A CASE OF GREAT INTEREST AT SOUTH KENSINGTON MUSEUM


STUDY FROM LIFE

[Pg 104]

Man and woman dining.

A ROMANCE OF ROAST DUCKS

"My darling, will you take a little of the—a—the stuffing?"

"I will, dear, if you do; but if you don't, I won't."

The Real Fall of Man.—Falling in love!

Qualifying a Sweeping Assertion.Sophie (after hearing about Frank). "I declare I shall not believe a word a man says to me. They're all liars!" Beatrice. "For shame, Sophie!" Sophie (regretfully). "At least all the nice ones are!"

[Pg 105]

Men talking about a passer-by.

INGRATITUDE

Brown. "Why doesn't Walker stop to speak? Thought he knew you!"

Smith. "Used to; but I introduced him to the girl he married. Neither of them recognises me now!"

[Pg 106]

Advice to Young Housekeepers.—Put your washing out if you do not wish your husband to be put out.

CONGRUOUS COUPLES.

If there's a well-matched pair in married life

It is a horsey man and nagging wife.

Apt Illustration.—Idealism and Realism: Courtship and Marriage.

Far from it.—The woman who is bent on marrying a man because he is a lion, should remember that it does not necessarily follow that she will become a lioness.

Over-Scrupulous.—"My husband is Vicar of St. Boniface—but I don't attend his church." "Indeed! How is that?" "The fact is, I—I don't approve of married clergymen!"

"Home Rule."—Petticoat government.

CALF-LOVE

Calf-love is a passion most people scorn,

Who've loved, and outlived, life and love's young morn;

But there is a calf-love too common by half,

And that's the love of the Golden Calf!

[Pg 107]

Man and woman talking

HE HAD BEEN KICKED OUT ONCE

She. "Wot time be you a-coming round to-night, Jock?"

Jock. "What time does y'r old man put 'is slippers on?"

[Pg 108]

Mrs. Naggleton's Advice to a Wife.—Defiance, not defence.

Long Odds.—Tall husband and short wife.

WORDS TO A WIFE

Love, thou'rt like yet unlike mutton,

Likewise beef, and veal, and lamb.

Do not answer that the glutton

I bespeak me that I am.

They in price, year after year, are

Rising, thou must needs allow;

Butcher's meat grows ever dearer:

So, and yet not so, dost thou.

For although my annual payment

To my butcher waxeth still,

Less and less each time for raiment,

Wanes thy linendraper's bill.

Thus by thrift expense thou meetest;

Whence thy wisdom doth appear:

Also, that I find thee, sweetest,

Cheaper still and still more dear.

�sthetics of Dress.Customer (he has been bidden to a wedding, and can't make up his mind in the matter of trouser patterns, but at last says). "O, there! that'll do, I sh'd think!" Tailor. "Pardon me, sir; if you are going to be 'best man,' the shade is hardly tender enough!"

[Pg 109]

Seated couple

TURTLE-DOVETAILING


["The latest development of phrenological enterprise is the establishment of a phrenological matrimonial bureau, to secure the introduction of persons desiring to be married to partners with suitable or harmonious phrenological endowments."—Daily Paper.]


Miss Evergreen (who has been introduced to Mr. Slowboy). "Well, it may be a lovely head, but ain't he got a big bump of cautiousness!"

[Pg 110]

THE DIVORCE SHOP

"A nation of shopkeepers!" Well, that old jeer

May fall with small sting on an Englishman's ear,

For 'tis commerce that keeps the world going.

But this kind of shop? By his b�ton and hunch,

The thought of it sickens the spirit of Punch,

And sets his cheek angrily glowing.

The Philistines, Puritans, Podsnaps, and Prigs

Of Britain play up some preposterous rigs,

And tax e'en cosmopolite charity.

But here is a business that's not to be borne;

Its mead is the flail and the vial of scorn,

Not chaffing or Christmas hilarity.

The skunk

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