N is for... (Checklist Book 14) L DuBois (readict books txt) 📖

what about that comment had hurt her, he wished he hadn’t spoken.

“Yeah…and that’s the problem. I’m attracted to you, and not just like a sub who thinks she’s met a Dom she can scene well with. I like you. I’d want to date you, if we had met at that imaginary bar.”

Daniel made sure his surprise didn’t show. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her feelings, and he was sure acting surprised would do exactly that.

And honestly, what she said wasn’t surprising. Everything she said was true. They had good chemistry, their conversations had flowed easily since the first word. She was funny, sexy, and gorgeous. She was probably smart and successful too, if she was a member of Las Palmas.

It wasn’t what she’d said that was surprising, but the fact that she’d said it at all.

There was an unspoken rule that members didn’t use the club as a dating pool. This wasn’t a place to come and find a like-minded individual in order to form a long term relationship. It happened, but due to organic formation of relationships, not because someone set out to deliberately find a romantic partner.

The other side of that was that if a member married or began a serious relationship, how they planned to explain their membership to their partner had to be disclosed to the overseers. And if two married members got divorced, well…he’d heard the stories about Master Hadrian and Cleo’s divorce, though he’d never met Hadrian.

“Autumn, are you saying…you want to go on a date before we scene?” He understood what she was saying, but so far nothing she’d said explained why she’d reacted the way she had.

Autumn took a breath and sat up, staring out across the grounds rather than looking at him. “The men I date don’t know I’m a sexual submissive.”

“You haven’t dated anyone for long enough that you’re comfortable telling them?”

“It’s not a time issue. I was with someone, someone I’d been dating for a year and a half when I first joined. We broke up not long after, but for a while I was doing both—scening here on the weekends, and still dating him during the week.”

“You didn’t think he’d be interested in any sort of kink or D/s?” Daniel frowned. “Or were you thinking he might have been a submissive and you weren’t interested in being a switch?”

“Nothing to do with him. This is all about my own fucked-up-ness.”

“You’re not fucked up,” Daniel countered, voice hard with conviction.

“Oh just wait. I didn’t tell him…because I didn’t trust him.”

Daniel felt his protective instincts rear up. “Did he hurt you?”

“I never gave him the chance.” Autumn swallowed so hard that even in the shadows he could see her throat working.

“If he knew I was a sexual submissive, he wouldn’t respect me anymore.”

Daniel started to call her ex a rude name, but stopped, confused. How did she know how he’d react if she never told him?

“He would think I was stupid and incapable of handling my own life. He would think less of me, and treat me differently.”

“Anyone who would do that, think that—”

She held up a hand, cutting him off. “Every man I’ve ever been with…could ever be with…is the same. I can never tell them I’m a sexual submissive because as soon as they know they’ll think less of me. Treat me with disdain.”

“Where the fuck are you finding these assholes?” Daniel demanded.

Autumn laughed, but it was a sad sound, a little watery, as if she was holding back tears.

Daniel shifted and ducked his head so he could see her face. Something still wasn’t adding up, because she wasn’t just talking about her past. She’d said everyone she could ever be with.

Tears shimmered on her lower lashes, but her face was dry. The muscles at the corners of her mouth trembled, as if she was fighting the urge to let her lips twist into a sob.

“It’s me,” she whispered.

“No.” He shook his head, kept his gaze on her face. “It’s not you—”

“It is, because you see I’m the asshole.” She raised luminous eyes to his. “I can’t bear for men I like, men I might want to date or, worse, might fall in love with, to know I’m a sexual submissive.”

She pressed her lips together, then forced herself to smile. “Because deep down I think all submissives, including myself, are weak.”

She forced her smile to widen. It was a broken expression. “I hate being a submissive.”

Chapter 7

Denial. Anger. Confusion. Those were the emotions she was expecting to see on Daniel’s face.

Instead he pursed his lips, seeming to consider what she’d just said. She held her breath, but after a moment, he sat back, settling in beside her, so close their upper arms almost touched.

She’d just confessed something hateful, and he had every right to walk away from her. He’d stayed.

“You know you’re not an asshole, right?” Daniel said after a moment.

“Oh no, I am. I am a massive asshole.”

“Do you respect other subs, even if you think they’re weak?”

“It’s splitting hairs,” she said.

“No. It’s not. Do you respect their right to be sexual submissives?”

“Of course. Everyone has a right to their own shit, as long as they’re not hurting anyone.” She paused. “Or hurting them in a consensual way.”

“While you respect their choices, you think their choices are wrong.”

“Not wrong but…” She’d come this far, she might as well confess all the rest of her sins. “But every time I see Pet I want to shake her. Tell her to get up. To stop being that way.”

Pet was Master Carter’s bonded submissive. And he treated her like a pet—she crawled instead of walked. Wore a leash. And outside of Las Palmas their relationship was the same—a 24/7 Master-slave relationship.

“But you don’t,” Daniel said mildly.

“Of course not.”

“You respect her choice,” he repeated.

“Okay, yes. I see where you’re going with this. I think she is making a stupid choice, but it’s her right to make that choice.”

“And it’s a stupid choice because…?”

“Because I