Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus Kathleen Bogle (general ebook reader .txt) 📖

end, Rebecca said women fool themselves into believing they have a relationship when this is actually not the case. Rebecca referred to this phenomenon as having “fake boyfriends.” She explains what this means in the excerpt below.

Rebecca: I think girls . . . go to parties where they think the same guy

[they have hooked up with before] is going to be. I think they try to hook up with the same person. And guys they might

[try to hook up with the same person], but I really . . . don’t think so. I think [men’s motto is]: the more [girls], the better.

KB: The more different girls, the better?

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Rebecca: Yeah, they like to have their little tally kind of thing

[laughs]. But, I think most girls want to try to find [or] stick with one guy so they can pretend they’re dating them.

KB: What do you mean by that, “pretend they’re dating”?

Rebecca: Well, I do it all the time, I haven’t had a boyfriend yet, but I had two fake boyfriends. [Laughing] Oh, they were great relationships [sarcastic tone]. You can kind of think that you’re together because you think you’re the only one in his life and he seems to care about you, you know? . . . You can kind of just make believe that [you’re together], like whatever he says you can twist it around to make it seem like something else. So like: “Yes, he loves me [sarcastic tone]!” And all of your friends are telling you that he loves you and that you are bound to be married, but you’re never [truly] together. So, it’s kind of that whole fake relationship thing.

KB: When do you figure out that you’re not really together?

Rebecca: Umm, when there’s another girl.

Although college students believed relationship formation to be the least likely outcome of hooking up, the fact that it is a possibility may partially explain what keeps the hookup script intact. One can hope that a hookup is going to lead to something more (i.e., some version of a relationship). Although college students generally realized that there are no guarantees, promises, or “strings attached,” the hope of a hookup leading to a relationship may loom large in the minds of some who decide to take part in hooking up. This may particularly be the case when a college student hooks up with someone she or he knows and “likes” in advance of the hookup. Several women indicated that knowing the rules of hooking up, especially knowing that nothing might come of a hookup, was something they learned over time. In other words, they were somewhat naïve their freshman year, but learned over time, “the hard way,” to have low expectations. For example, a senior, Marie, at State University said: Because I trusted guys so much . . . so when I . . . hooked up, and when they weren’t all like lovey-dovey and then I don’t know, then I’d hook up with somebody else and I just learned through experience that not every guy is going to fall all over you and be like: “Now I want a girlfriend.” You know what I mean? A lot of them just want to hook up with you and then never talk to you again (laughing) . . . and they don’t 44

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care! And that definitely takes a long time to realize and even now you might know it, but you might . . . because of the fact that you might want a relationship, even knowing that might not stop you [from hooking up] because you think: “This time it might be different.” And you also have to learn that guys say a lot of things that they don’t mean.

They say a lot of things that you want to hear and you might fall for it, so it’s really hard to trust guys in starting a relationship.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO DATING?

The script for how college students become sexually intimate has dramatically changed from the dating script, which dominated campuses from the 1920s through the mid-1960s.24 The college students I interviewed said that they do not date in the traditional sense of the term.25

Additionally, the alumni I spoke with confirmed that they did not go out on formal dates during their college years. College students do not initiate romantic relationships by asking each other out to dinner or a movie with the hope that something sexual might happen at the end of the evening. Thus, the dominant cultural/sexual script for most of the twentieth century (i.e., asking someone out for a date as the first stage toward finding an intimate partner) is no longer being used by most college students. The following excerpts from my interviews with Emily (sophomore, Faith University), Joseph (senior, Faith University), Lisa (sophomore, State University) and Jen (junior, State University) illustrate the point that the current script on campus does not begin with dating. These comments were typical of both male and female students at State and Faith University.

KB: Do you know any students that date?

Emily: Like date?

KB: That go out on dates.

Emily: [Laughs] Umm, no. [Laughs] I would say like if you have a boyfriend, maybe you’ll go out, but I don’t know, I think that’s so out, like a culture from like my parents time that would ask each other out and stuff like that.

KB: So, the people you know don’t do that at all?

Emily: No.

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KB: When you look around at your friends, do a lot of people go on dates?

Joseph: Once they’re actually boyfriend and girlfriend, I see them going out. But I usually don’t see anybody with the approach of saying: “Do you want to go out?” KB: Would you say that students date?

Lisa: Hmmm . . . not really, I don’t think they really do that much.

I don’t know anyone who, that’s what is really weird too when