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tomb, thinkin’ about what I was gonna do. I was gettin’ off on his fear and wanted to prolong it and the pain as long as I could.

“What I want from you . . . ahh . . . that’s a fuckin’ question for the ages, now isn’t it?”

Before I could say anything else, FOCUS came walkin’ over and handed me a red bow.

“I think this is for you, man . . . thanks for lettin’ me play with your toy. I think I broke it, though.” He sat down on the edge of the tomb and rolled his hands. “Keep goin’, sorry to interrupt your sermon there, yank.”

FOCUS reached into his pocket and pulled out a pint of Jager and relaxed on the concrete slab.

“You want some popcorn with that or what?” FOCUS laughed and gave me the finger. “So, Father Foley . . . Sean . . . what I want . . . is your life. You took mine in more ways than I can count by runnin’ your cesspool of a mouth. Little suck-up piece of scum.”

I pulled my knife outta the sheath, leaned into the tomb, and fished around in his pockets until I found his rosary. Our Father . . . I started to tease the blade around his lips

“So . . . what we’re gonna do here is just cut out the cancer once and for all . . .” I tossed the knife back and forth in my hands and continued, “Your tongue waggin’ is what put Fi and me through hell for all these years.”

Everything we’d suffered rolled through my head at a slow and agonizing pace. All I’d endured to save her from what I was bein’ put through at the time. Everything she’d gone through that had made the twisted confession shit our normal gig. The pain of bein’ apart that crushed me every time she left. All of it. I felt every bit of it, and my blood pressure was surely as high as the Empire State Buildin’.

I brought the handle of the knife with force onto his front teeth and he started to choke on the shattered pieces. Then, I just reached in, flipped the knife around, and sliced that piece of meat outta his mouth. I’m sure he had to be screamin’, but I only heard the sound in my head of Fi cryin’ every time we were together and my voice yellin’ loud.

Break your vows . . . cut your ties completely or walk out that door and don’t ever come back.

His mouth went slack like a dead fish, and I shoved the rosary in cross end first and held it closed. I put my hand over his nose and pressed down hard. I wanted to push him through the concrete and straight to Hell where he belonged.

“Swallow, motherfucker! I bet you wanted her to swallow your cock . . . your cum. Swallow!” He could suffocate, drown on his saliva, or suck it down. I didn’t wanna wait, so I let go and listened to him choking as I slit him from ear to ear. The crucifix was hangin’ at the back of his throat and I yanked it through to the front, along with the beads. “You sick bastard, you don’t deserve to wear this cross!”

I jerked the cross and the cord ripped. When it was loose, I shoved it in my pocket and smiled. “You’re not a man of God . . . you’re not a man at all. Or should I say you weren’t?”

I drove the knife into his stomach like I was tryin’ to cut through to his spine and thrust my hand to bring the blade up.

“You might have a few minutes to get right with God, if that’s even possible.” I tossed a couple coins in on top of Foley. FOCUS got up and we shoved the lid around to cover the tomb. “Use your time wisely, you useless, Godless prick!”

19

This is Gonna Hurt

“Now, it’s your turn, sister, and I’m gonna enjoy every second of this.” I walked over to that bitch cryin’ at the base of the cross. She mighta been cryin’ the whole time for all I knew. Once I was done with Foley, her pain was all I had left to focus on.

I crouched, lifted the black gown, and then wiped the blood from the knife with a laugh.

“Ya know, I gotta hand it to ya, sister . . . you sure know how to fuck a kid up.” I shrugged off the vest and pulled the shirt over my head. “Look at me . . . I turned out to be such an upstandin’ citizen after our special nights together.”

She tried to look away and I grabbed her face hard and turned it back to me. “Look! At! Me! No one looked while you raped me. While you beat me bloody. No one gave a fuck! You twisted my head so far around, it shoulda been upside down and backwards! What kinda fucked up person preys on the innocence of a kid and punishes him for doin’ what you made him do?”

My heart was so heavy and I could practically feel the fury buildin’ and boilin’ up inside of me. I don’t think I’d ever been so fuckin’ mad in my life and I’d spent a lot of time bein’ pissed at the Catholic Church, skells on the streets, and the entire world. In that moment, it was eatin’ its way out of the darkest dungeons in my soul.

Why does this hurt so much?

Cleansing always does.

What almost ate me alive for so long was burstin’ its way out to be purged. I could feel its claws piercin’ through the inside of my flesh to let the monster free.

“I carry reminders of you every fuckin’

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