Kerplunk - It's Over!! by A.W., H.R. and Our Girlfriends (i can read with my eyes shut txt) 📖

filling you with more anxiety with what-ifs and buts. Be future oriented. YOU are choosing this divorce. You are choosing your life path. You control it. Own it and show the world and any of the nay-sayers that you ARE going to be just fine.

Energy Vampires Really Suck!
An Energy Vampire is someone who poses as a friend but is not. He or she is actually sucking your life source, your good energy. They feed off of your energy for their own cruel, selfish purposes. Energy Vampires envy your strong character, your will power, and your drive. They keep you in a position of weakness by hypnotizing you with self-doubt and anxiety. Listen to your gut. You KNOW who the Energy Vampires are in your life right now. They may disguise themselves as loving sisters, mothers, girlfriends, but in reality they are enjoying a nice long slurp of your energy! Grab your wooden stake and crucifix! Here’s how to recognize and slay them! Ask yourself, does this person or relationship enliven me or to deaden me? Down deep, you know the true answer. It sucks (no pun intended!) to face the fact that your BFF is not committed to your highest and best good.


Change is Hard
Sometimes change is hard, but it doesn’t mean it’s not good. It opens your life up to new experiences and keeps it moving forward. Change comes in all forms – breakups, moves, jobs, divorce. Change is a part of life. Even if you failed at marriage, you can succeed at divorce.

Opt for Optimism
Are you wondering, How will I ever get through this? This will only make you feel afraid and paralyzed. Instead ask yourself a more positive question such as, What could be great about this change?

Create a “Change” Resume
List all the stuff you have lived through and made it, list every change you’ve experienced …from moving to a new city to recovering from an accident. Give it a read and you’ll realize just how truly capable you are!

Get Moving
It’s easy to feel stressed out during a big transition. To help keep your emotions in check and your mind focused, stay active. Try scrubbing dishes, hitting the gym, or organizing a closet.

Don’t Go It Alone
People find change easier when they’re in a positive group environment. Be open to new people; often, those who help you the most are not your closest friends.

-Erica Tobin Women’s Health/3/2010/Ariane de Bonvoisin/first30days.com
“It took me awhile to recognize the Energy Vampires lurking in my circle of friends. There were girlfriends who could not believe that I had the guts to divorce him. As my separation became this snarling beast that ate at my soul hourly, they continued to tune in everyday to get a drama update. I mistook their interest as care and concern for my emotional well being. Eventually I realized it wasn’t! They were living vicariously through me. They were so unhappy with their own marriages but were too weak to get out. They secretly enjoyed seeing me suffer and took pleasure in my set backs and failures. I methodically began to cut them out of my life.” – Vanessa, 44

This is what an Energy Vampire sounds like versus a member of your Personal Fan Club:
EV: “OMG! Aren’t you afraid he will attack you again?”
PFC: “Don’t be a victim. You are strong, girl! Let’s talk about what steps we can take to keep you safe.”

EV: “He’ll never agree to that custody agreement. What if you lose the kids?”
PFC: “Be positive. What did your attorney say? You are a good mother and everything is going to be okay, I promise. Stay focused.”

EV: “Just drown your sorrows in a fat bottle of Pinot. You deserve a drink!”
PFC: “Meet me at the gym tonight and we’ll sweat out some stress. I want to spend time with you.”

Energy Vampires can be debilitating to your soul and disastrous to your Action Plan and self esteem. Limit your exposure to them! If you have to be around them, wrap yourself in a white light of positivity and make the visit short! Better yet, completely cut them out ASAP! It won’t be easy but we promise your life will be better once you get their fangs out of you!

Deflecting the Negative Feedback
When the questions come and the rude comments smack you in the face, what will you say? Take a deep breath and remember that it is really no one’s business. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. This is between you and your husband. We know that biting your lip is most difficult when you’re being quizzed and badgered by the gossipmongers.
Some folks are going to be in shock at your choice to divorce. Some will try to lay a guilt trip on you or place blame. (If you’re a mother, you know guilt is a powerful weapon and it stinks when it is aimed at you.) Some people will immediately side with you. Others will encourage you to "tough it out." Don’t be defensive. Don’t let them ruffle your feathers. Honey, just shut them down with a charming response like:
"I realize you may not agree with my decision, but I'm going to have a tough road ahead and I could use your support (if you have kids, add this) "to make it easier on the kids."

"I know he has his faults, but he also has some good qualities or I wouldn't have married him in the first place. I'd like to move on." That last statement works wonders to deflect those who may think that slamming your Ex will somehow make you feel better. It may give you some short-term satisfaction to hear them applaud you for being the hero in your marriage, but once you turn on that martyr faucet, it is damn hard to get them to shut up. They will keep gushing. You need to be ready to move on and stop thinking about it.

Backlash from family and friends: Expect the unexpected!
"After sharing with my mother-in-law that he had multiple girl friends and how upset I was, she said, "Well, he picked you didn't he. He chose to marry you.” I was so stunned and sick to my stomach all at the same time that I couldn't say anything. All I could think was that my husband probably grew up watching his Dad do this to his Mom and it was deemed ok."
– Sara, 41
The Dr. Phils in your life will be quick to analyze and to try to fix your mess. Please be wary of the advice of people who have a stake in your life. Their motives may be completely selfish. If you’re the one who always hosts Christmas and Thanksgiving at your house, of course that caring sister-in-law doesn’t want you to escape the family! You might consider telling them–before they unload a diatribe of word vomit on you: "What I need right now is support, not answers to what went wrong."
Prepare yourself for comments like, "Bob is a workaholic; he's having an affair; his mother never liked you, you were always more into the kids and didn’t give him attention..." You cannot control other's reactions and comments. Grow a thick skin really quickly and learn to put on a poker face. You will get some surly and nasty comments from the most unexpected people.

"I left my Ex a month prior to my birthday. My mother-in-law, who had always been supportive and loving toward me, mailed me a birthday card, as she always does. I was shocked to read her inscription '...you have thoroughly disappointment me. I expected more of you as a mother, as a wife, as a 'daughter' of mine. You are completely selfish and making the most regrettable mistake of your life. My son needs you. You have always made his life happen. You need to stop thinking only of yourself.' What a slap in the face from a hypocritical woman who had, 20 years earlier, divorced her own controlling, depression riddled husband. You can be sure that birthday card did not get displayed on my mantle!" – Audrey, 56

Wow, we know. Your response should be gracious, yet firm. Say it again aloud with us: "What I need right now is support, not answers to what went wrong or what you think about me and my actions." Don’t waste your time fighting with these jerks. Just remember living well is the best revenge.

"Every marriage and every divorce is different."

If love is a battlefield then divorce is a blitzkrieg. Many divorced people like to share their war stories. You can learn lots from divorcees, but be careful what advice you take. Their tales are often scary, and serve to make them feel better about themselves and all they endured. Their accounts can easily overwhelm you with anxiety and dread.

Yours, Mine and Ours…but who gets the friends?
Many of your friends know you as a couple. They go to college football games with you, beach vacations, Sunday school, your kids’ baseball games and now they may have to choose between you and your Ex. Some friends try to stay neutral but find it difficult. Often, the wife will side with you and the husband with him. It’s only natural. Sometimes your breakup brings to light problems in their own marriages. Continuing to associate with you threatens their marriage and they choose to ditch you now that you are a singleton. You will also find it difficult to trust these couple friends now. Are they really on your side? Are they truly neutral? Why do they invite him over for dinner and not you? Wait! Did they de-friend you on Facebook, too?! It hurts. We know. WE KNOW! But screw ‘em. Those friends who are true friends will find a way to support you and remain supportive. If they don’t, then you didn’t need them anyway!

“I was surprised and well, completely pissed when one of my closest couple friends pulled away from me during my separation. I had supported them through some really dark times in their family and they chose him over me! They sided with Ex even though he assaulted me and cheated!” – Lily, 36
The reason “old friends” become distant after your divorce is usually more about them than you. If their own marriages are shaky they may be afraid of your divorce contamination. Instead of admiring your courage, they'll feel threatened and avoid you. “Oh no! I can’t hang out with her now that she is Donna Divorceé! She might recognize the cracks in my perfect marriage and call me out on it!” Ladies, being shunned like this really hurts at first. I mean for goodness sakes! You are supposed to be close friends with this couple! Your kids have known each other since birth! You’ve shared endless summer vacations and frankly, you’re one of the family, damn it! Do not waste your breath begging them to see your side. It’s pointless. If they truly loved you they would not subject you to this scrutiny or betrayal. Just let ‘em go!

“I was so hurt. My best girlfriend stopped answering my calls, wouldn’t reply to my emails, forget Facebook, OMG I was so upset. I thought I could turn to her of all people but nope.”