Kerplunk - It's Over!! by A.W., H.R. and Our Girlfriends (i can read with my eyes shut txt) 📖

– Catherine, 25

Just Wait Till Your Father Finds Out, Young Lady!
Blood is thicker than water. Your parents are supposed to have your back no matter what; but sometimes our families are not quite so Brady Bunch or Cosby Show. Sometimes they flip out when you announce divorce and suddenly you have all the momma guilt to deal with on top of your own marriage rot. Your in-laws are the wild card. They can choose to be Team You or Team Him. Everyone has an opinion and will take a side. We’re sorry if you don’t win the draft and get the MVPs. Try to understand their position. Hold your head up and never let ‘em see you sweat.

“My parents were very supportive and raised me to think that divorce was not necessarily a bad thing. It took me a long time to tell my Grandparents because they never understood my parents’ divorce. They are still shocked at my situation.” – Kimberly, 28

“I made the mistake of hiding our martial dysfunction from my family. I was a child of a divorced family and I was determined not to repeat the pattern. I was protecting myself from shame and protecting him from blame. That decision came back to bite me later. When I finally told them I was leaving him, they were shocked. They thought I was crazy and didn’t believe what I was telling because I had never shared with them the reality of our marriage.” – Cate, 36

“I was the first person to divorce in my entire family. I tried everything to make the marriage work. When I told my parents that he had hit me, all they could say was “Are you being nice enough?” What? Were they kidding? I was on a serious search for help and support.” – Maryanne, 33

“Both my parents passed away when I was in college. My in-laws were my family. After the separation, they talked with me a few times and then cut me off. They said they couldn’t handle it and that it wasn’t their problem. The family that had insisted I was now their daughter ditched me. My Ex had taken everything out of the joint bank account. I was left with nothing and they didn’t care.” – Cheri, 52

“My Ex convinced my family that I was insane and suicidal. They believed him instead of me! They preached at me and said that I had no “biblical grounds” for ending the marriage because he didn’t physically abuse me.” – Faith, 37

And on a positive note…
“Fortunately, once I informed my family of the awful events that took place in my marriage, I had their full support. As far as the in-laws go, I have never had a relationship with any of them so it was no great loss.”
– Olivia, 34

“Once I filed for divorce and my in-laws found out, they never spoke to me again. This was something I thought might happen, but it was very hard after having them in my life for 24 years. I felt like my own parents had abandoned me, because in effect they had.” – Samantha, 53


God’s Will, will be done?
"WWJD? I would like to think that Jesus would have come down and imposed some sort of divine intervention so I would have known not to marry him. Lightening bolts? Earthquakes? Someone randomly yelling “NO”! Instead I married that poor excuse of male flesh!" – Tammy, 38

One of the biggest divorce hurdles to overcome was dealing with a family who threw religion in their faces as a reason to keep the marriage together. The belief system you have been raised with is ingrained in your psyche. Even if your family is supportive, you may have serious qualms about ending your marriage. Many women believe that they must hold the marriage together at all costs, despite emotional or physical abuse. It’s God’s will, right? We know that you will have to come to terms with this issue on your own. We suggest consulting a therapist to help you deal with your struggle of faith versus ending a broken marriage. What would Jesus do? Here is what our girlfriends said they experienced when religion played a huge role in their lives and their decisions to divorce:

“I was raised to believe that you make a covenant with God when you marry. There is no sliding scale of 1-10. No buts or ifs. Marriage is for "better or worse". When I could not rehabilitate my husband from his addiction to drugs and porn, or make him realize that it was killing our family, I searched my soul and prayed hard that I could put down my beliefs and save myself and my kids.” – Paula, 52
“My parents had never divorced, nor had his. I was brought up in the church and I didn’t go into the decision lightly. Ultimately, it was my choice regardless of what others thought.” – Aimee, 29

“I am Catholic. Hello! Divorce = hell fire and brimstone! It has been really hard for me deal with this divorce. Therapy has been the key.” – Cindy, 35
“Where in the Bible does it say it is ok to be hurt, punished and / or abused? I don’t care what translation you have. Were his vows something like…will you take this woman to be your wedded wife, to live in the holy estate of matrimony? (Did he treat the marriage like a HOLY estate?) Will you love her, comfort her, protect her, honor and keep her safe in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others and keep thee only unto her so long as you both shall live? (Has he comforted you and protected you – how does abuse fit in here?)” – Parker, 38

Managing your own anxiety and insecurities during a divorce is hard. Dealing with the reactions of your intimate partner and your kids is such a horrible struggle; but on top of all that the hassle filtering the opinions and comments of family, friends, co-workers, random people in your life is down right miserable. The bottom line is this: Grow some thick skin. We know it is going to be painful to have your college roommate choose his side not yours. We know the holidays may never be the same with your family. We know you care what your staff thinks of you; but girlfriend, you have to live for you. Listen to your heart. Listen to your gut and go with what you know will make you a happier person regardless of what others may or may not think of you. Who do they think they are to judge you anyway?


Chapter 5 Checklist: It’s Really No One’s Business –
But What Will Everyone Think?

___ Acknowledge that some people in your life (relatives, friends, co-workers) are hindering you more than helping you!
___ List 3 Energy Vampires in your life and list what they have said or done to undermine you: ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___ Check here to show that you are maintaining a positive attitude and that you are keeping big issues on the down-low (with the exception of 1 or 2 very close confidantes.)
___ “If you don’t pick up the rope, then no one can jerk you around.”
Check here if you have exercised your right (at least once this week) to NOT answer the phone, NOT read an insulting or manipulative email, or NOT reply to a text…and it feels great!
CHAPTER 6:
Therapy – Is a couch trip going to fix what’s broken?
We tried the therapy route and more than 90% of our girlfriends have tried it, too. We’ll share our outcomes with you – did it work, did it matter and are we better for it?
We all have opinions about therapy. Some think it is very positive and wonder how we would manage without it. Others think it is such a waste of time and money. Over 90% of the girlfriends we interviewed agree that therapy is absolutely productive. No one is perfect and no one has life figured out – there is always something that we can learn and therapy is the place to do it. That is the premise of this chapter - what we learned from therapy and how it has enabled us to make wiser choices so that we never need to repeat what we have been through. We have become much more discerning. We listen to our "gut" and intuition and we do not let other people make decisions for us.
First, what worked?
Going to therapy does help. Just go. Make an appointment today. It IS worth the money and the time spent. Therapy didn’t always give our girlfriends the answer that they wanted to hear, but it gave them an answer. It gave them a starting point and a base for beginning to decipher what was not working in their marriage or inside themselves. No more hovering in Limbo Land! Therapy doesn't have to be unpleasant. Don't be afraid. While your couch trip might require boxes of Kleenex, naps, ice cream, milk shakes and cookie dough for recovery, if you are honest with yourself and do the work your therapist guides you to do, therapy will be so worth it. We promise. So, we repeat – JUST GO! None of our girlfriends have regretted it – the good, the bad and the ugly but just GO!
What didn’t work?
It's unanimous! Our girlfriends resoundingly said that what did NOT work was forcing their husbands to go to therapy. If you can't get him to go, then go alone! You need it. Some girlfriends said their husbands forbade them to seek counseling. (Grrrrr! Manipulation and control is such a pisser.) If their husbands did go, they often went only to tell the therapist what he thought the therapist wanted to hear. Oh how productive was that!
What did not work: tip-toeing around the problems, sugarcoating the problems, withholding issues, crisis and conflicts from the therapist. We also discovered that sometimes our husbands only agreed to go to therapy to appease us – they told us and the therapist what they thought we wanted to hear to give them a "get out of therapy free" pass. Sigh, what a waste of time!
Our girlfriends learned that if our husbands did not go to therapy with us and we went alone – well, Shazam! That is when the real learning took place! Introspection 101! This is really where we got into the slimy, grimy baked on crud at the bottom of our psyches. We began to realize how we got into this dysfunctional relationship (yes, that means taking responsibility for ourselves), what ill patterns we have allowed to develop, and how we intend to get out of it. In case you missed it, yes, we started to take responsibility for ourselves!
Some of our girlfriends talked about the helpful side of going to therapy and counseling.
“I was able to come to grips with some of my own issues, giving me the strength and understanding I needed to make the break from my marriage. The therapists (Ex and I had separate therapists in the same practice) were able to help me realize that I’d never be able to have peace of mind until I separated.” – Ashley, 46
“I was so paralyzed by money that I almost didn't go. If I hadn't gone, the divorce would have cost so much more than it did. It helped me