Fantastic Fables by Ambrose Bierce (self help books to read .TXT) 📖

>fruit abundantly. Please pass the plate for me, and you shall have

one fourth.”

 

The Holy Deacon did so, and putting the money into his pocket

waited till the congregation was dismissed and said goodnight.

 

“But the money, brother, the money that you collected!” said the

Itinerant Preacher.

 

“Nothing is coming to you,” was the reply; “the Adversary has

hardened their hearts, and one fourth is all they gave.”

 

A Hasty Settlement

 

“YOUR Honour,” said an Attorney, rising, “what is the present

status of this case - as far as it has gone?”

 

“I have given a judgment for the residuary legatee under the will,”

said the Court, “put the costs upon the contestants, decided all

questions relating to fees and other charges; and, in short, the

estate in litigation has been settled, with all controversies,

disputes, misunderstandings, and differences of opinion thereunto

appertaining.”

 

“Ah, yes, I see,” said the Attorney, thoughtfully, “we are making

progress - we are getting on famously.”

 

“Progress?” echoed the Judge - “progress? Why, sir, the matter is

concluded!”

 

“Exactly, exactly; it had to be concluded in order to give

relevancy to the motion that I am about to make. Your Honour, I

move that the judgment of the Court be set aside and the case

reopened.”

 

“Upon what ground, sir?” the Judge asked in surprise.

 

“Upon the ground,” said the Attorney, “that after paying all fees

and expenses of litigation and all charges against the estate there

will still be something left.”

 

“There may have been an error,” said His Honour, thoughtfully -

“the Court may have underestimated the value of the estate. The

motion is taken under advisement.”

 

The Wooden Guns

 

AN Artillery Regiment of a State Militia applied to the Governor

for wooden guns to practise with.

 

“Those,” they explained, “will be cheaper than real ones.”

 

“It shall not be said that I sacrificed efficiency to economy,”

said the Governor. “You shall have real guns.”

 

“Thank you, thank you,” cried the warriors, effusively. “We will

take good care of them, and in the event of war return them to the

arsenal.”

 

The Reform School Board

 

THE members of the School Board in Doosnoswair being suspected of

appointing female teachers for an improper consideration, the

people elected a Board composed wholly of women. In a few years

the scandal was at an end; there were no female teachers in the

Department.

 

The Poet’s Doom

 

AN Object was walking along the King’s highway wrapped in

meditation and with little else on, when he suddenly found himself

at the gates of a strange city. On applying for admittance, he was

arrested as a necessitator of ordinances, and taken before the

King.

 

“Who are you,” said the King, “and what is your business in life?”

 

“Snouter the Sneak,” replied the Object, with ready invention;

“pick-pocket.”

 

The King was about to command him to be released when the Prime

Minister suggested that the prisoner’s fingers be examined. They

were found greatly flattened and calloused at the ends.

 

“Ha!” cried the King; “I told you so! - he is addicted to counting

syllables. This is a poet. Turn him over to the Lord High

Dissuader from the Head Habit.”

 

“My liege,” said the Inventor-in-Ordinary of Ingenious Penalties,

“I venture to suggest a keener affliction.

 

“Name it,” the King said.

 

“Let him retain that head!”

 

It was so ordered.

 

The Noser and the Note

 

THE Head Rifler of an insolvent bank, learning that it was about to

be visited by the official Noser into Things, placed his own

personal note for a large amount among its resources, and, gaily

touching his guitar, awaited the inspection. When the Noser came

to the note he asked, “What’s this?”

 

“That,” said the Assistant Pocketer of Deposits, “is one of our

liabilities.”

 

“A liability?” exclaimed the Noser. “Nay, nay, an asset. That is

what you mean, doubtless.”

 

“Therein you err,” the Pocketer explained; “that note was written

in the bank with our own pen, ink, and paper, and we have not paid

a stationery bill for six months.”

 

“Ah, I see,” the Noser said, thoughtfully; “it is a liability. May

I ask how you expect to meet it?”

 

“With fortitude, please God,” answered the Assistant Pocketer, his

eyes to Heaven raising - “with fortitude and a firm reliance on the

laxity of the law.”

 

“Enough, enough,” exclaimed the faithful servant of the State,

choking with emotion; “here is a certificate of solvency.”

 

“And here is a bottle of ink,” the grateful financier said,

slipping it into the other’s pocket; “it is all that we have.”

 

The Cat and the King

 

A CAT was looking at a King, as permitted by the proverb.

 

“Well,” said the monarch, observing her inspection of the royal

person, “how do you like me?”

 

“I can imagine a King,” said the Cat, “whom I should like better.”

 

“For example?”

 

“The King of the Mice.”

 

The sovereign was so pleased with the wit of the reply that he gave

her permission to scratch his Prime Minister’s eyes out.

 

The Literary Astronomer

 

THE Director of an Observatory, who, with a thirty-six-inch

refractor, had discovered the moon, hastened to an Editor, with a

four-column account of the event.

 

“How much?” said the Editor, sententiously, without looking up from

his essay on the circularity of the political horizon.

 

“One hundred and sixty dollars,” replied the man who had discovered

the moon.

 

“Not half enough,” was the Editor’s comment.

 

“Generous man!” cried the Astronomer, glowing with warm and

elevated sentiments, “pay me, then, what you will.”

 

“Great and good friend,” said the Editor, blandly, looking up from

his work, “we are far asunder, it seems. The paying is to be done

by you.”

 

The Director of the Observatory gathered up the manuscript and went

away, explaining that it needed correction; he had neglected to dot

an m.

 

The Lion and the Rattlesnake

 

A MAN having found a Lion in his path undertook to subdue him by

the power of the human eye; and near by was a Rattlesnake engaged

in fascinating a small bird.

 

“How are you getting on, brother?” the Man called out to the other

reptile, without removing his eyes from those of the Lion.

 

“Admirably,” replied the serpent. “My success is assured; my

victim draws nearer and nearer in spite of her efforts.”

 

“And mine,” said the Man, “draws nearer and nearer in spite of

mine. Are you sure it is all right?”

 

“If you don’t think so,” the reptile replied as well as he then

could, with his mouth full of bird, “you better give it up.”

 

A half-hour later, the Lion, thoughtfully picking his teeth with

his claws, told the Rattlesnake that he had never in all his varied

experience in being subdued, seen a subduer try so earnestly to

give it up. “But,” he added, with a wide, significant smile, “I

looked him into countenance.”

 

The Man with No Enemies

 

AN Inoffensive Person walking in a public place was assaulted by a

Stranger with a Club, and severely beaten.

 

When the Stranger with a Club was brought to trial, the complainant

said to the Judge:

 

“I do not know why I was assaulted; I have not an enemy in the

world.”

 

“That,” said the defendant, “is why I struck him.”

 

“Let the prisoner be discharged,” said the Judge; “a man who has no

enemies has no friends. The courts are not for such.”

 

The Alderman and the Raccoon

 

“I SEE quite a number of rings on your tail,” said an Alderman to a

Raccoon that he met in a zoological garden.

 

“Yes,” replied the Raccoon, “and I hear quite a number of tales on

your ring.”

 

The Alderman, being of a sensitive, retiring disposition, shrank

from further comparison, and, strolling to another part of the

garden, stole the camel.

 

The Flying-Machine

 

AN Ingenious Man who had built a flying-machine invited a great

concourse of people to see it go up. At the appointed moment,

everything being ready, he boarded the car and turned on the power.

The machine immediately broke through the massive substructure upon

which it was builded, and sank out of sight into the earth, the

aeronaut springing out barely in time to save himself.

 

“Well,” said he, “I have done enough to demonstrate the correctness

of my details. The defects,” he added, with a look at the ruined

brick-work, “are merely basic and fundamental.”

 

Upon this assurance the people came forward with subscriptions to

build a second machine.

 

The Angel’s Tear

 

AN Unworthy Man who had laughed at the woes of a Woman whom he

loved, was bewailing his indiscretion in sack-cloth-of-gold and

ashes-of-roses, when the Angel of Compassion looked down upon him,

saying:

 

“Poor mortal! - how unblest not to know the wickedness of laughing

at another’s misfortune!”

 

So saying, he let fall a great tear, which, encountering in its

descent a current of cold air, was congealed into a hail-stone.

This struck the Unworthy Man on the head and set him rubbing that

bruised organ vigorously with one hand while vainly attempting to

expand an umbrella with the other.

 

Thereat the Angel of Compassion did most shamelessly and wickedly

laugh.

 

The City of Political Distinction

 

JAMRACH the Rich, being anxious to reach the City of Political

Distinction before nightfall, arrived at a fork of the road and was

undecided which branch to follow; so he consulted a Wise-Looking

Person who sat by the wayside.

 

“Take THAT road,” said the Wise-Looking Person, pointing it out;

“it is known as the Political Highway.”

 

“Thank you,” said Jamrach, and was about to proceed.

 

“About how much do you thank me?” was the reply. “Do you suppose I

am here for my health?”

 

As Jamrach had not become rich by stupidity, he handed something to

his guide and hastened on, and soon came to a toll-gate kept by a

Benevolent Gentleman, to whom he gave something, and was suffered

to pass. A little farther along he came to a bridge across an

imaginary stream, where a Civil Engineer (who had built the bridge)

demanded something for interest on his investment, and it was

forthcoming. It was growing late when Jamrach came to the margin

of what appeared to be a lake of black ink, and there the road

terminated. Seeing a Ferryman in his boat he paid something for

his passage and was about to embark.

 

“No,” said the Ferryman. “Put your neck in this noose, and I will

tow you over. It is the only way,” he added, seeing that the

passenger was about to complain of the accommodations.

 

In due time he was dragged across, half strangled, and dreadfully

beslubbered by the feculent waters. “There,” said the Ferryman,

hauling him ashore and disengaging him, “you are now in the City of

Political Distinction. It has fifty millions of inhabitants, and

as the colour of the Filthy Pool does not wash off, they all look

exactly alike.”

 

“Alas!” exclaimed Jamrach, weeping and bewailing the loss of all

his possessions, paid out in tips and tolls; “I will go back with

you.”

 

“I don’t think you will,”, said the Ferryman, pushing off; “this

city is situated on the Island of the Unreturning.”

 

The Party Over There

 

A MAN in a Hurry, whose watch was at his lawyer’s, asked a Grave

Person the time of day.

 

“I heard you ask that Party Over There the same question,” said the

Grave Person. “What answer did he give