Fantastic Fables by Ambrose Bierce (self help books to read .TXT) 📖

wish me to

work for them, they must hire me without solicitation. I am very

comfortable without office.”

 

“But,” urged the Party Manager, “an election is a thing to be

desired. It is a high honour to be a servant of the people.”

 

“If servitude is a high honour,” the Gentleman said, “it would be

indecent for me to seek it; and if obtained by my own exertion it

would be no honour.”

 

“Well,” persisted the Party Manager, “you will at least, I hope,

indorse the party platform.”

 

The Gentleman replied: “It is improbable that its authors have

accurately expressed my views without consulting me; and if I

indorsed their work without approving it I should be a liar.”

 

“You are a detestable hypocrite and an idiot!” shouted the Party

Manager.

 

“Even your good opinion of my fitness,” replied the Gentleman,

“shall not persuade me.”

 

The Legislator and the Citizen

 

AN ex-Legislator asked a Most Respectable Citizen for a letter to

the Governor recommending him for appointment as Commissioner of

Shrimps and Crabs.

 

“Sir,” said the Most Respectable Citizen, austerely, “were you not

once in the State Senate?”

 

“Not so bad as that, sir, I assure you,” was the reply. “I was a

member of the Slower House. I was expelled for selling my

influence for money.”

 

“And you dare to ask for mine!” shouted the Most Respectable

Citizen. “You have the impudence? A man who will accept bribes

will probably offer them. Do you mean to - “

 

“I should not think of making a corrupt proposal to you, sir; but

if I were Commissioner of Shrimps and Crabs, I might have some

influence with the water-front population, and be able to help you

make your fight for Coroner.”

 

“In that case I do not feel justified in denying you the letter.”

 

So he took his pen, and, some demon guiding his hand, he wrote,

greatly to his astonishment:

 

“Who sells his influence should stop it,

An honest man will only swap it.”

 

The Rainmaker

 

AN Officer of the Government, with a great outfit of mule-waggons

loaded with balloons, kites, dynamite bombs, and electrical

apparatus, halted in the midst of a desert, where there had been no

rain for ten years, and set up a camp. After several months of

preparation and an expenditure of a million dollars all was in

readiness, and a series of tremendous explosions occurred on the

earth and in the sky. This was followed by a great down-pour of

rain, which washed the unfortunate Officer of the Government and

the outfit off the face of creation and affected the agricultural

heart with joy too deep for utterance. A Newspaper Reporter who

had just arrived escaped by climbing a hill near by, and there he

found the Sole Survivor of the expedition - a mule-driver - down on

his knees behind a mesquite bush, praying with extreme fervour.

 

“Oh, you can’t stop it that way,” said the Reporter.

 

“My fellow-traveller to the bar of God,” replied the Sole Survivor,

looking up over his shoulder, “your understanding is in darkness.

I am not stopping this great blessing; under Providence, I am

bringing it.”

 

“That is a pretty good joke,” said the Reporter, laughing as well

as he could in the strangling rain - “a mule driver’s prayer

answered!”

 

“Child of levity and scoffing,” replied the other; “you err again,

misled by these humble habiliments. I am the Rev. Ezekiel Thrifft,

a minister of the gospel, now in the service of the great

manufacturing firm of Skinn & Sheer. They make balloons, kites,

dynamite bombs, and electrical apparatus.”

 

The Citizen and the Snakes

 

A PUBLIC-SPIRITED Citizen who had failed miserably in trying to

secure a National political convention for his city suffered

acutely from dejection. While in that frame of mind he leaned

thoughtlessly against a druggist’s show-window, wherein were one

hundred and fifty kinds of assorted snakes. The glass breaking,

the reptiles all escaped into the street.

 

“When you can’t do what you wish,” said the Public-spirited

Citizen, “it is worth while to do what you can.”

 

Fortune and the Fabulist

 

A WRITER of Fables was passing through a lonely forest when he met

a Fortune. Greatly alarmed, he tried to climb a tree, but the

Fortune pulled him down and bestowed itself upon him with cruel

persistence.

 

“Why did you try to run away?” said the Fortune, when his struggles

had ceased and his screams were stilled. “Why do you glare at me

so inhospitably?”

 

“I don’t know what you are,” replied the Writer of Fables, deeply

disturbed.

 

“I am wealth; I am respectability,” the Fortune explained; “I am

elegant houses, a yacht, and a clean shirt every day. I am

leisure, I am travel, wine, a shiny hat, and an unshiny coat. I am

enough to eat.”

 

“All right,” said the Writer of Fables, in a whisper; “but for

goodness’ sake speak lower.”

 

“Why so?” the Fortune asked, in surprise.

 

“So as not to wake me,” replied the Writer of Fables, a holy calm

brooding upon his beautiful face.

 

A Smiling Idol

 

AN Idol said to a Missionary, “My friend, why do you seek to bring

me into contempt? If it had not been for me, what would you have

been? Remember thy creator that thy days be long in the land.”

 

“I confess,” replied the Missionary, fingering a number of tencent

pieces which a Sunday-school in his own country had forwarded to

him, “that I am a product of you, but I protest that you cannot

quote Scripture with accuracy and point. Therefore will I continue

to go up against you with the Sword of the Spirit.”

 

Shortly afterwards the Idol’s worshippers held a great religious

ceremony at the base of his pedestal, and as a part of the rites

the Missionary was roasted whole. As the tongue was removed for

the high priest’s table, “Ah,” said the Idol to himself, “that is

the Sword of the Spirit - the only Sword that is less dangerous

when unsheathed.”

 

And he smiled so pleasantly at his own wit that the provinces of

Ghargaroo, M’gwana, and Scowow were affected with a blight.

 

Philosophers Three

 

A BEAR, a Fox, and an Opossum were attacked by an inundation.

 

“Death loves a coward,” said the Bear, and went forward to fight

the flood.

 

“What a fool!” said the Fox. “I know a trick worth two of that.”

And he slipped into a hollow stump.

 

“There are malevolent forces,” said the Opossum, “which the wise

will neither confront nor avoid. The thing is to know the nature

of your antagonist.”

 

So saying the Opossum lay down and pretended to be dead.

 

The Boneless King

 

SOME Apes who had deposed their king fell at once into dissension

and anarchy. In this strait they sent a Deputation to a

neighbouring tribe to consult the Oldest and Wisest Ape in All the

World.

 

“My children,” said the Oldest and Wisest Ape in All the World,

when he had heard the Deputation, “you did right in ridding

yourselves of tyranny, but your tribe is not sufficiently advanced

to dispense with the forms of monarchy. Entice the tyrant back

with fair promises, kill him and enthrone. The skeleton of even

the most lawless despot makes a good constitutional sovereign.”

 

At this the Deputation was greatly abashed. “It is impossible,”

they said, moving away; “our king has no skeleton; he was stuffed.”

 

Uncalculating Zeal

 

A MAN-EATING tiger was ravaging the Kingdom of Damnasia, and the

King, greatly concerned for the lives and limbs of his Royal

subjects, promised his daughter Zodroulra to any man who would kill

the animal. After some days Camaraladdin appeared before the King

and claimed the reward.

 

“But where is the tiger?” the King asked.

 

“May jackasses sing above my uncle’s grave,” replied Camaraladdin,

“if I dared go within a league of him!”

 

“Wretch!” cried the King, unsheathing his consoler-under-disappointment; “how dare you claim my daughter when you have done

nothing to earn her?”

 

“Thou art wiser, O King, than Solyman the Great, and thy servant is

as dust in the tomb of thy dog, yet thou errest. I did not, it is

true, kill the tiger, but behold! I have brought thee the scalp of

the man who had accumulated five million pieces of gold and was

after more.”

 

The King drew his consoler-under-disappointment, and, flicking off

Camaraladdin’s head, said:

 

“Learn, caitiff, the expediency of uncalculating zeal. If the

millionaire had been let alone he would have devoured the tiger.”

 

A Transposition

 

TRAVELLING through the sage-brush country a Jackass met a rabbit,

who exclaimed in great astonishment:

 

“Good heavens! how did you grow so big? You are doubtless the

largest rabbit living.”

 

“No,” said the Jackass, “you are the smallest donkey.”

 

After a good deal of fruitless argument the question was referred

for decision to a passing Coyote, who was a bit of a demagogue and

desirous to stand well with both.

 

“Gentlemen,” said he, “you are both right, as was to have been

expected by persons so gifted with appliances for receiving

instruction from the wise. You, sir,” - turning to the superior

animal - “are, as he has accurately observed, a rabbit. And you” -

to the other - “are correctly described as a jackass. In

transposing your names man has acted with incredible folly.”

 

They were so pleased with the decision that they declared the

Coyote their candidate for the Grizzly Bearship; but whether he

ever obtained the office history does not relate.

 

The Honest Citizen

 

A POLITICAL Preferment, labelled with its price, was canvassing the

State to find a purchaser. One day it offered itself to a Truly

Good Man, who, after examining the label and finding the price was

exactly twice as great as he was willing to pay, spurned the

Political Preferment from his door. Then the People said: “Behold,

this is an honest citizen!” And the Truly Good Man humbly

confessed that it was so.

 

A Creaking Tail

 

AN American Statesman who had twisted the tail of the British Lion

until his arms ached was at last rewarded by a sharp, rasping

sound.

 

“I knew your fortitude would give out after a while,” said the

American Statesman, delighted; “your agony attests my political

power.”

 

“Agony I know not!” said the British Lion, yawning; “the swivel in

my tail needs a few drops of oil, that is all.”

 

Wasted Sweets

 

A CANDIDATE canvassing his district met a Nurse wheeling a Baby in

a carriage, and, stooping, imprinted a kiss upon the Baby’s clammy

muzzle. Rising, he saw a Man, who laughed.

 

“Why do you laugh?” asked the Candidate.

 

“Because,” replied the Man, “the Baby belongs to the Orphan

Asylum.”

 

“But the Nurse,” said the Candidate - “the Nurse will surely relate

the touching incident wherever she goes, and perhaps write to her

former master.”

 

“The Nurse,” said the Man who had laughed, “is an inmate of the

Institution for the Illiterate-Deaf-and-Dumb.”

 

Six and One

 

THE Committee on Gerrymander worked late, drawing intricate lines

on a map of the State, and being weary sought repose in a game of

poker. At the close of the game the six Republican members were

bankrupt and the single Democrat had all the money. On the next

day, when the Committee was called to order for business, one of

the luckless six mounted his legs, and said:

 

“Mr. Chairman, before we bend to our noble task of purifying

politics, in the interest of good government I wish to say a word

of