Fantastic Fables by Ambrose Bierce (self help books to read .TXT) 📖

>your personal preferences to the general good. Go now to your

beautiful homes and be happy.”

 

It is not recorded that the Delegation was happy.

 

A Forfeited Right

 

THE Chief of the Weather Bureau having predicted a fine day, a

Thrifty Person hastened to lay in a large stock of umbrellas, which

he exposed for sale on the sidewalk; but the weather remained

clear, and nobody would buy. Thereupon the Thrifty Person brought

an action against the Chief of the Weather Bureau for the cost of

the umbrellas.

 

“Your Honour,” said the defendant’s attorney, when the case was

called, “I move that this astonishing action be dismissed. Not

only is my client in no way responsible for the loss, but he

distinctly foreshadowed the very thing that caused it.”

 

“That is just it, your Honour,” replied the counsel for the

plaintiff; “the defendant by making a correct forecast fooled my

client in the only way that he could do so. He has lied so much

and so notoriously that he has neither the legal nor moral right to

tell the truth.”

 

Judgment for the plaintiff.

 

Revenge

 

AN Insurance Agent was trying to induce a Hard Man to Deal With to

take out a policy on his house. After listening to him for an

hour, while he painted in vivid colours the extreme danger of fire

consuming the house, the Hard Man to Deal With said:

 

“Do you really think it likely that my house will burn down inside

the time that policy will run?”

 

“Certainly,” replied the Insurance Agent; “have I not been trying

all this time to convince you that I do?”

 

“Then,” said the Hard Man to Deal With, “why are you so anxious to

have your Company bet me money that it will not?”

 

The Agent was silent and thoughtful for a moment; then he drew the

other apart into an unfrequented place and whispered in his ear:

 

“My friend, I will impart to you a dark secret. Years ago the

Company betrayed my sweetheart by promise of marriage. Under an

assumed name I have wormed myself into its service for revenge; and

as there is a heaven above us, I will have its heart’s blood!”

 

An Optimist

 

Two Frogs in the belly of a snake were considering their altered

circumstances.

 

“This is pretty hard luck,” said one.

 

“Don’t jump to conclusions,” the other said; “we are out of the wet

and provided with board and lodging.”

 

“With lodging, certainly,” said the First Frog; “but I don’t see

the board.”

 

“You are a croaker,” the other explained. “We are ourselves the

board.”

 

A Valuable Suggestion

 

A BIG Nation having a quarrel with a Little Nation, resolved to

terrify its antagonist by a grand naval demonstration in the

latter’s principal port. So the Big Nation assembled all its ships

of war from all over the world, and was about to send them three

hundred and fifty thousand miles to the place of rendezvous, when

the President of the Big Nation received the following note from

the President of the Little Nation:

 

“My great and good friend, I hear that you are going to show us

your navy, in order to impress us with a sense of your power. How

needless the expense! To prove to you that we already know all

about it, I inclose herewith a list and description of all the

ships you have.”

 

The great and good friend was so struck by the hard sense of the

letter that he kept his navy at home, and saved one thousand

million dollars. This economy enabled him to buy a satisfactory

decision when the cause of the quarrel was submitted to

arbitration.

 

Two Footpads

 

Two Footpads sat at their grog in a roadside resort, comparing the

evening’s adventures.

 

“I stood up the Chief of Police,” said the First Footpad, “and I

got away with what he had.”

 

“And I,” said the Second Footpad, “stood up the United States

District Attorney, and got away with - “

 

“Good Lord!” interrupted the other in astonishment and admiration -

“you got away with what that fellow had?”

 

“No,” the unfortunate narrator explained - “with a small part of

what I had.”

 

Equipped for Service

 

DURING the Civil War a Patriot was passing through the State of

Maryland with a pass from the President to join Grant’s army and

see the fighting. Stopping a day at Annapolis, he visited the shop

of a well-known optician and ordered seven powerful telescopes, one

for every day in the week. In recognition of this munificent

patronage of the State’s languishing industries, the Governor

commissioned him a colonel.

 

The Basking Cyclone

 

A NEGRO in a boat, gathering driftwood, saw a sleeping Alligator,

and, thinking it was a log, fell to estimating the number of

shingles it would make for his new cabin. Having satisfied his

mind on that point, he stuck his boat-hook into the beast’s back to

harvest his good fortune. Thereupon the saurian emerged from his

dream and took to the water, greatly to the surprise of the man-and-brother.

 

“I never befo’ seen such a cyclone as dat,” he exclaimed as soon as

he had recovered his breath. “It done carry away de ruf of my

house!”

 

At the Pole

 

AFTER a great expenditure of life and treasure a Daring Explorer

had succeeded in reaching the North Pole, when he was approached by

a Native Galeut who lived there.

 

“Good morning,” said the Native Galeut. “I’m very glad to see you,

but why did you come here?”

 

“Glory,” said the Daring Explorer, curtly.

 

“Yes, yes, I know,” the other persisted; “but of what benefit to

man is your discovery? To what truths does it give access which

were inaccessible before? - facts, I mean, having a scientific

value?”

 

“I’ll be Tom scatted if I know,” the great man replied, frankly;

“you will have to ask the Scientist of the Expedition.”

 

But the Scientist of the Expedition explained that he had been so

engrossed with the care of his instruments and the study of his

tables that he had found no time to think of it.

 

The Optimist and the Cynic

 

A MAN who had experienced the favours of fortune and was an

Optimist, met a man who had experienced an optimist and was a

Cynic. So the Cynic turned out of the road to let the Optimist

roll by in his gold carriage.

 

“My son,” said the Optimist, stopping the gold carriage, “you look

as if you had not a friend in the world.”

 

“I don’t know if I have or not,” replied the Cynic, “for you have

the world.”

 

The Poet and the Editor

 

“MY dear sir,” said the editor to the man, who had called to see

about his poem, “I regret to say that owing to an unfortunate

altercation in this office the greater part of your manuscript is

illegible; a bottle of ink was upset upon it, blotting out all but

the first line - that is to say - “

 

“‘The autumn leaves were falling, falling.’

 

“Unluckily, not having read the poem, I was unable to supply the

incidents that followed; otherwise we could have given them in our

own words. If the news is not stale, and has not already appeared

in the other papers, perhaps you will kindly relate what occurred,

while I make notes of it.

 

“‘The autumn leaves were falling, falling,’

 

“Go on.”

 

“What!” said the poet, “do you expect me to reproduce the entire

poem from memory?”

 

“Only the substance of it - just the leading facts. We will add

whatever is necessary in the way of amplification and

embellishment. It will detain you but a moment.

 

“‘The autumn leaves were falling, falling - ‘

 

“Now, then.”

 

There was a sound of a slow getting up and going away. The

chronicler of passing events sat through it, motionless, with

suspended pen; and when the movement was complete Poesy was

represented in that place by nothing but a warm spot on the wooden

chair.

 

The Taken Hand

 

A SUCCESSFUL Man of Business, having occasion to write to a Thief,

expressed a wish to see him and shake hands.

 

“No,” replied the Thief, “there are some things which I will not

take - among them your hand.”

 

“You must use a little strategy,” said a Philosopher to whom the

Successful Man of Business had reported the Thief’s haughty reply.

“Leave your hand out some night, and he will take it.”

 

So one night the Successful Man of Business left his hand out of

his neighbour’s pocket, and the Thief took it with avidity.

 

An Unspeakable Imbecile

 

A JUDGE said to a Convicted Assassin:

 

“Prisoner at the bar, have you anything to say why the death-sentence should not be passed upon you?”

 

“Will what I say make any difference?” asked the Convicted

Assassin.

 

“I do not see how it can,” the Judge answered, reflectively. “No,

it will not.”

 

“Then,” said the doomed one, “I should just like to remark that you

are the most unspeakable old imbecile in seven States and the

District of Columbia.”

 

A Needful War

 

THE people of Madagonia had an antipathy to the people of Novakatka

and set upon some sailors of a Novakatkan vessel, killing two and

wounding twelve. The King of Madagonia having refused either to

apologise or pay, the King of Novakatka made war upon him, saying

that it was necessary to show that Novakatkans must not be

slaughtered. In the battles which ensued the people of Madagonia

slaughtered two thousand Novakatkans and wounded twelve thousand.

But the Madagonians were unsuccessful, which so chagrined them that

never thereafter in all their land was a Novakatkan secure in

property or life.

 

The Mine Owner and the Jackass

 

WHILE the Owner of a Silver Mine was on his way to attend a

convention of his species he was accosted by a Jackass, who said:

 

“By an unjust discrimination against quadrupeds I am made

ineligible to a seat in your convention; so I am compelled to seek

representation through you.”

 

“It will give me great pleasure, sir,” said the Owner of a Silver

Mine, “to serve one so closely allied to me in - in - well, you

know,” he added, with a significant gesture of his two hands upward

from the sides of his head. “What do you want?”

 

“Oh, nothing - nothing at all for myself individually,” replied the

Donkey; “but his country’s welfare should be a patriot’s supreme

care. If Americans are to retain the sacred liberties for which

their fathers strove, Congress must declare our independence of

European dictation by maintaining the price of mules.”

 

The Dog and the Physician

 

A DOG that had seen a Physician attending the burial of a wealthy

patient, said: “When do you expect to dig it up?”

 

“Why should I dig it up?” the Physician asked.

 

“When I bury a bone,” said the Dog, “it is with an intention to

uncover it later and pick it.”

 

“The bones that I bury,” said the Physician, “are those that I can

no longer pick.”

 

The Party Manager and the Gentleman

 

A PARTY Manager said to a Gentleman whom he saw minding his own

business:

 

“How much will you pay for a nomination to office?”

 

“Nothing,” the Gentleman replied.

 

“But you will contribute something to the campaign fund to assist

in your election, will you not?” asked the Party Manager, winking.

 

“Oh, no,” said the Gentleman, gravely. “If the people