Fantastic Fables by Ambrose Bierce (self help books to read .TXT) 📖

of three months, the Mind Reader lost his money. He had

come up to eat the thistles.

 

The Shadow of the Leader

 

A POLITICAL Leader was walking out one sunny day, when he observed

his Shadow leaving him and walking rapidly away.

 

“Come back here, you scoundrel,” he cried.

 

“If I had been a scoundrel,” answered the Shadow, increasing its

speed, “I should not have left you.”

 

The Sagacious Rat

 

A RAT that was about to emerge from his hole caught a glimpse of a

Cat waiting for him, and descending to the colony at the bottom of

the hole invited a Friend to join him in a visit to a neighbouring

corn-bin. “I would have gone alone,” he said, “but could not deny

myself the pleasure of such distinguished company.”

 

“Very well,” said the Friend, “I will go with you. Lead on.”

 

“Lead?” exclaimed the other. “What! I precede so great and

illustrious a rat as you? No, indeed - after you, sir, after you.”

 

Pleased with this great show of deference, the Friend went ahead,

and, leaving the hole first, was caught by the Cat, who immediately

trotted away with him. The other then went out unmolested.

 

The Member and the Soap

 

A MEMBER of the Kansas Legislature meeting a Cake of Soap was

passing it by without recognition, but the Cake of Soap insisted on

stopping and shaking hands. Thinking it might possibly be in the

enjoyment of the elective franchise, he gave it a cordial and

earnest grasp. On letting it go he observed that a portion of it

adhered to his fingers, and running to a brook in great alarm he

proceeded to wash it off. In doing so he necessarily got some on

the other hand, and when he had finished washing, both were so

white that he went to bed and sent for a physician.

 

Alarm and Pride

 

“GOOD-MORNING, my friend,” said Alarm to Pride; “how are you this

morning?”

 

“Very tired,” replied Pride, seating himself on a stone by the

wayside and mopping his steaming brow. “The politicians are

wearing me out by pointing to their dirty records with ME, when

they could as well use a stick.”

 

Alarm sighed sympathetically, and said:

 

“It is pretty much the same way here. Instead of using an opera-glass they view the acts of their opponents with ME!”

 

As these patient drudges were mingling their tears, they were

notified that they must go on duty again, for one of the political

parties had nominated a thief and was about to hold a gratification

meeting.

 

A Causeway

 

A RICH Woman having returned from abroad disembarked at the foot of

Knee-deep Street, and was about to walk to her hotel through the

mud.

 

“Madam,” said a Policeman, “I cannot permit you to do that; you

would soil your shoes and stockings.”

 

“Oh, that is of no importance, really,” replied the Rich Woman,

with a cheerful smile.

 

“But, madam, it is needless; from the wharf to the hotel, as you

observe, extends an unbroken line of prostrate newspaper men who

crave the honour of having you walk upon them.”

 

“In that case,” she said, seating herself in a doorway and

unlocking her satchel, “I shall have to put on my rubber boots.”

 

Two in Trouble

 

MEETING a fat and patriotic Statesman on his way to Washington to

beseech the President for an office, an idle Tramp accosted him and

begged twenty-five cents with which to buy a suit of clothes.

 

“Melancholy wreck,” said the Statesman, “what brought you to this

state of degradation? Liquor, I suppose.”

 

“I am temperate to the verge of absurdity,” replied the Tramp. “My

foible was patriotism; I was ruined by the baneful habit of trying

to serve my country. What ruined you?”

 

“Indolence.”

 

The Witch’s Steed

 

A BROOMSTICK which had long served a witch as a steed complained of

the nature of its employment, which it thought degrading.

 

“Very well,” said the Witch, “I will give you work in which you

will be associated with intellect - you will come in contact with

brains. I shall present you to a housewife.”

 

“What!” said the Broomstick, “do you consider the hands of a

housewife intellectual?”

 

“I referred,” said the Witch, “to the head of her good man.”

 

The All Dog

 

A LION seeing a Poodle fell into laughter at the ridiculous

spectacle.

 

“Who ever saw so small a beast?” he said.

 

“It is very true,” said the Poodle, with austere dignity, “that I

am small; but, sir, I beg to observe that I am all dog.”

 

The Farmer’s Friend

 

A GREAT Philanthropist who had thought of himself in connection

with the Presidency and had introduced a bill into Congress

requiring the Government to loan every voter all the money that he

needed, on his personal security, was explaining to a Sunday-school

at a railway station how much he had done for the country, when an

angel looked down from Heaven and wept.

 

“For example,” said the Great Philanthropist, watching the

teardrops pattering in the dust, “these early rains are of

incalculable advantage to the farmer.”

 

Physicians Two

 

A WICKED Old Man finding himself ill sent for a Physician, who

prescribed for him and went away. Then the Wicked Old Man sent for

another Physician, saying nothing of the first, and an entirely

different treatment was ordered. This continued for some weeks,

the physicians visiting him on alternate days and treating him for

two different disorders, with constantly enlarging doses of

medicine and more and more rigorous nursing. But one day they

accidently met at his bedside while he slept, and the truth coming

out a violent quarrel ensued.

 

“My good friends,” said the patient, awakened by the noise of the

dispute, and apprehending the cause of it, “pray be more

reasonable. If I could for weeks endure you both, can you not for

a little while endure each other? I have been well for ten days,

but have remained in bed in the hope of gaining by repose the

strength that would justify me in taking your medicines. So far I

have touched none of it.”

 

The Overlooked Factor

 

A MAN that owned a fine Dog, and by a careful selection of its mate

had bred a number of animals but a little lower than the angels,

fell in love with his washerwoman, married her, and reared a family

of dolts.

 

“Alas!” he exclaimed, contemplating the melancholy result, “had I

but chosen a mate for myself with half the care that I did for my

Dog I should now be a proud and happy father.”

 

“I’m not so sure of that,” said the Dog, overhearing the lament.

“There’s a difference, certainly, between your whelps and mine, but

I venture to flatter myself that it is not due altogether to the

mothers. You and I are not entirely alike ourselves.”

 

A Racial Parallel

 

SOME White Christians engaged in driving Chinese Heathens out of an

American town found a newspaper published in Peking in the Chinese

tongue, and compelled one of their victims to translate an

editorial. It turned out to be an appeal to the people of the

Province of Pang Ki to drive the foreign devils out of the country

and burn their dwellings and churches. At this evidence of

Mongolian barbarity the White Christians were so greatly incensed

that they carried out their original design.

 

The Honest Cadi

 

A ROBBER who had plundered a Merchant of one thousand pieces of

gold was taken before the Cadi, who asked him if he had anything to

say why he should not be decapitated.

 

“Your Honour,” said the Robber, “I could do no otherwise than take

the money, for Allah made me that way.”

 

“Your defence is ingenious and sound,” said the Cadi, “and I must

acquit you of criminality. Unfortunately, Allah has made me so

that I must also take off your head - unless,” he added,

thoughtfully, “you offer me half of the gold; for He made me weak

under temptation.”

 

Thereupon the Robber put five hundred pieces of gold into the

Cadi’s hand.

 

“Good,” said the Cadi. “I shall now remove but one half your head.

To show my trust in your discretion I shall leave intact the half

you talk with.”

 

The Kangaroo and the Zebra

 

A KANGAROO hopping awkwardly along with some bulky object concealed

in her pouch met a Zebra, and desirous of keeping his attention

upon himself, said:

 

“Your costume looks as if you might have come out of the

penitentiary.”

 

“Appearances are deceitful,” replied the Zebra, smiling in the

consciousness of a more insupportable wit, “or I should have to

think that you had come out of the Legislature.”

 

A Matter of Method

 

A PHILOSOPHER seeing a Fool beating his Donkey, said:

 

“Abstain, my son, abstain, I implore. Those who resort to violence

shall suffer from violence.”

 

“That,” said the Fool, diligently belabouring the animal, “is what

I’m trying to teach this beast - which has kicked me.”

 

“Doubtless,” said the Philosopher to himself, as he walked away,

“the wisdom of fools is no deeper nor truer than ours, but they

really do seem to have a more impressive way of imparting it.”

 

The Man of Principle

 

DURING a shower of rain the Keeper of a Zoological garden observed

a Man of Principle crouching beneath the belly of the ostrich,

which had drawn itself up to its full height to sleep.

 

“Why, my dear sir,” said the Keeper, “if you fear to get wet, you’d

better creep into the pouch of yonder female kangaroo - the

SALTARIX MACKINTOSHA - for if that ostrich wakes he will kick you

to death in a minute.”

 

“I can’t help that,” the Man of Principle replied, with that lofty

scorn of practical considerations distinguishing his species. “He

may kick me to death if he wish, but until he does he shall give me

shelter from the storm. He has swallowed my umbrella.”

 

The Returned Californian

 

A MAN was hanged by the neck until he was dead.

 

“Whence do you come?” Saint Peter asked when the Man presented

himself at the gate of Heaven.

 

“From California,” replied the applicant.

 

“Enter, my son, enter; you bring joyous tidings.”

 

When the Man had vanished inside, Saint Peter took his memorandum-tablet and made the following entry:

 

“February 16, 1893. California occupied by the Christians.”

 

The Compassionate Physician

 

A KIND-HEARTED Physician sitting at the bedside of a patient

afflicted with an incurable and painful disease, heard a noise

behind him, and turning saw a cat laughing at the feeble efforts of

a wounded mouse to drag itself out of the room.

 

“You cruel beast!” cried he. “Why don’t you kill it at once, like

a lady?”

 

Rising, he kicked the cat out of the door, and picking up the mouse

compassionately put it out of its misery by pulling off its head.

Recalled to the bedside by the moans of his patient, the Kind-hearted Physician administered a stimulant, a tonic, and a

nutrient, and went away.

 

Two of the Damned

 

TWO Blighted Beings, haggard, lachrymose, and detested, met on a

blasted heath in the light of a struggling moon.

 

“I wish you a merry Christmas,” said the First Blighted Being, in a

voice like that of a singing tomb.

 

“And I you a happy New Year,” responded the Second Blighted Being,

with the accent of a penitent accordeon.

 

They then fell upon each other’s neck and wept scalding rills down

each other’s spine