PAIN!!!!! by DANEA (smart books to read .txt) 📖

I was the kind of girl who had so many questions like whether I wanted to live or die. But all those questions would soon probably come true. I hated my life I hated everything about me, the way I looked, the way I acted everything on my body disgusted me. I could never keep a boyfriend probably cuzz I have so little self asteem. My mom aint right and nobody seems to care about me. I just wish I could start my life over or a miracle would soon happen but I know those are just all dreams. I turned over in my bed tracing over the scars that were all over my body from pain and people abusing me like my mother and all the men she messed with. For some reason they always wanted something from me and my mom could care less about me and how I feel to just have a good relationship and a big fat check in her mail. Whatever those men wanted from me she would let them have it while I'm in the room crying trying to fight back to get away and she is in the living room smocking and counting all the money. I hated my mom I know thats wrong but I don't feel loved I'm not sure I love myself. I got up out the bed and into the kitchen. I walked in and saw my mom and her man kissing and caring on. I hurried and turned my head so they wouldn't see me but I looked to long.
Tyler: come her baby gurl
I just stood there to terrified to move.
Mom: go on baby gurl he don't bite
I walked over.
Tyler: now baby gurl me and yo mom need some alone time and when you in here I can't do what I wanna do so go play with your dolls.
Me: I'm 15 I don't play with dolls and I'm hungry.
Tyler: look you can eat later now go in your room before I take off my belt.
I walked back in the room. I turned on the tv and ploped on my bed. I was not having fun I was mad.

I walked to the living room to see if mom was home. Today at school I was made student council president and I wanted to tell my mom. But she was no where. Then I went to the basemet. Tyler was down there. I looked in the basement everywhere but she wasn't there no where.
Tyler: what are you doing
Me: looking for my mom I made student council and I'm the president
Tyler: well yo moms aint here
Me: ok
I was about to walk until he got up and blocked my way.
Tyler: look I'm your dad now so lets have some daughter and dad time.
Me: umm sorry I have homwework
He grabbed my wrist real tight were I couldn't get loose.
Tyler: you can do that later. He threw me on the couch and got on top of me. He started to yank and pull at my shirt. I screamed and screamed but he was to strong and powerful. Then it went from there. He got up off me as the blood from my wrist went down to to the palms of my hands. It looked like the red sea from my hand. My mom came walking in. I hurried and ran passed her. She looked very shock but as soon as she herd the word money her ears were wide opened and her focus on me slipped away. I used to say that my mom was absent minded but I knew she just didn't care about me. Then my mom came knocking at the door. I opened it to let her in as I sat on the bed and watched as she came and sat by me.
Mom: honey why are you bleeding
Me: mama I think you know the answer
Mom: look I wan't your hands off my mans.
I looked at her disgusted.
Me: mom I don't want him and he put his hands on me and you don't even care.
MOm: you just wished you had him, look at you every man I get you say they raped you but I know you wanted it.
I looked at her as tears ran down my eyes.
Me: mom your crazy get out get out.
She got up and walked out . I hated it when she didn't believe me, she always thought I wanted her men but the only thing I wanted was for them to stop hurting me and for my mom to love me. I wish I had a normal teenage life but I don't.

I was happy I went to school so all my pain and sadness would go away everytime I saw my friends. I had two bestfriends DJ and Carla. They was always there for me. I told them everyhthing, well almost everything. Not once did I ever tell them about my personal life. I figured if I did they would think I'm disgusting and probably wont ever talk to me again. But if thats what happens then there not true friends but it is what it is. I walked down the halls to my locker. Then DJ comes up.
DJ: look whats with the frown you didn't call me last night I mean whats up with that
Me: sorry I was busy
DJ: busy with what
Me: look I have class in the next 2 mintues and talking to you is going to get me a tardy.
DJ: ok is that how you feeling.
I laughed as I walked to my class before the bell rung.
&
I walked up the steps to my porch. I herd screaming and yelling. I already knew what was going on my mom was putting Tyler out. I didn't feel like listening or hearing them yell and fight each other so I kept walking then I thought about when I was 12 and my mom was planning on putting her last man out George. I was in my room minding my own business. He knocked at the door. I rember everything as I walked my mind told the story.
George: hey what you doing there
Me: minding my own business
He laughed and sat next to me. I scooted over but he kept comming towards were I almost fell off the bed.
George: look you wanna play a game
Me: no I'm fine so please go
George: but I want to play
Me: ok well you can play by yourself
George: you know you have alot of mouth and I'm going to teach you how to speak to an adult like myself.
He grabbed my wrist and squeezed it very hard then he touched my legs. I pulled away from him.
Me: let me go now
George: no
He started to touch my face and whisper things in my ear. Then he slammed me on the bed. I couldn't get loose. I looked and pulled everywhere but I just couldn't get loose. I stop thinking because a flood of tears came down my eyes. Then Carla and DJ saw me. I tried to clear the tears but they just kept comming.
Carla: are you crying
Me: no just allergies
DJ: don't lie
Me: look I'm fine see
I wiped the tears.
Carla: look you can tell me
Me: I wish I could
They looked at each other.
DJ: look we have been friends so long and you never kept a secret from us and neither have we.
Me: look if I tell you, you may never want to talk to me again.
DJ: And whats that suppose to mean
Me: Look I'm not the same girl you guys met 8 years ago I have changed ok
Carla: Plase tell us
Me: if you really want to know well my life isn't what it seems
DJ: What do you mean?
Me: I mean I have been hiding things from you
Carla: Like what
Me: Saying that I'm ok when I'm not the reason why I havent been calling you is because I been screwing my mom boyfriends.
Carla and DJ"s mouth droped. I ran and I ran not looking back.

Dj and Carla ran after me. I really didn't expect them too. I stoped as they caught up.
DJ: Look what do you mean
Me: I mean I've been raped by my mom boyfriends forever and every time I tell her she doesn't believe me she says I want it and now I don't think I want to live.
Carla: Look you listen to me now, we have been friends for so long and you never told me about this
Me: Look I didn't think you would understand or be my friend anymore, I was scared ok
DJ: Look who ever did this to you I'm going to get them
Me; Its really not that serious and besides I'm going to go anyway
Crala: were are you going?
Me: Well I don't want to live so I really don't know
DJ: Your palnning on killing yourself are you crazy!!!
Me: Look its the only way out and if you known what I've been through you would want to do