The Bucket List by N. Y. (spicy books to read TXT) 📖

made the best out of those last few days.

 

 

I wondered down the halls at night, just once for old times sake's, visiting the gift shop.

 

And seeing the bear Aunt Carol got for me, put on display.

 

 

I helped with rounds, adding up numbers with Nurse Nenny.

 

And we even had a little pizza party. Just me and her.

 

We sat with crossed legs on my bed, eating pepperoni pizza and painting our nails pink.

 

 

Talking about everything, and I knew life would only get better from there.

 

Because that accident was a wake up call.

 

 

Even though the fight between me and Tyler was about us and me blaming him for the forgotten friendship with Ashley, I decided to let that go.

 

The car ride out of Lousiana, was a mistake.

 

 

Taking Aunt Carol's words carelessy, regret.

 

Hoping everything with Ashley would come back, gone.

 

 

But I still had hope with me.

 

Thinking of that bucket list I made. Reviewing the words.

 

All 11 of them, fulfilling my purpose again.

 

 

So when I stepped out of the hosptial, through those automatic doors.

 

I became a whole other person, the one with great memories.

 

And even greater memory to take them all.

 

 

Throughout the last year, in a flash.

 

Something magical along the way, sparked something in me.

 

 

The damage was done and I had survived the most.

 

But recovery was something up to me.

 

 

And I pulled through it.

 

That's how I grew up to love myself. 

 

And before things changed for me.

 

 

But of course, there was once this boy who would stand up in front of the whole class and tell the world how beautiful I was. 

 

 

Middle School, the word that I dread the most.

 

Probably the worst 3 years of anyone's life, it's miserable yet strange.

 

  

The girl next to me who loved sports was on the stands and one day searched through her mp3 player.

 

So I was stuck,....part of the stolen lives club.

 

 

Either way, I tried to cover up the feeling, burying it deep inside my head.

 

Through crying in the girls restroom, lunch on the toliet the first day, months ago.

 

From boys and other theories, to broken hearts and happiness.

 

 

Inside the yellow mellow house I loved, warm climate and etheral feeling. 

 

 

In just 3 years, the music will be too loud.

 

And if it's too loud,...than that means i'm too old.

 

 

So we all have to accept the change, at least the good kind of change. 

 

With hope, just like everyone taught me to do and have.

 

 

And an even greater way for me to grow individually. 

 

My prayer was answered, my sinner's prayer.

 

 

Because blood still stains, even when the sheets are washed. 

 

Americana

 

The summer I forgot what she said...

 

 

I was worthless, they said ugly things.

 

Hoping i'd disappear.

 

But I stuck around.

 

 

Letting myself go this summer.

 

I'd ignore what they had to say.

 

So I made my own decision.

 

 

In the pink tank top, white shorts and hippie sunglasses mom rarely wore.

 

I marched my way down the empty afternoon streets.

 

 

Making the promise come back to life.

 

This was my summer before 8th grade year.

 

 

Sure, it was slow and motionless in June.

 

But after the 4th of July, it was my calling.

 

Aunt Carol thought it was a great idea.

 

 

I'd finally stop spending my time roaming up those small tables at the new record store.

 

Hoping i'd come across new music to feed my soul.

 

So I came to do myself a favor, a big favor.

 

 

Walking down the middle of that street, with no care.

 

It was my biggest return.

 

 

So with a twist on the back door handle, I enter into Ashley's house.

 

I see her quietly perched near the island.

 

 

Dressed in nothing but an extra large t-shirt.

 

A brownish yellow, with falling blue hair over it.

 

I'd figure she'd keep it over the summer, maybe it'd last over September.

 

 

Her skin is pale and light when she turns to me, with the same lifeless look on her face.

 

I feared Ashley didn't recognize me.

 

 

I'd spent my good summer in bed, sleeping over thoughts.

 

With messy hair that somehow matted it's way into the style it was.

 

And the careless look on my choice of clothing. No food in my system, eating way my figure.

 

 

Especially the sandels.

 

I look down at it for a second, as I draw the sunglasses I wore off my face.

 

 

''Good to see you Ashley.'' I said softly.

 

Walking my way over to her as she turns her way to me.

 

 

''Same about yourself.'' she replies.

 

Ashley turns back to the island, finishing up the spread of mayo on her sandwich.

 

 

Turkey, with a little mustard.

 

Packing the bread back into it's plastic bag, Ashley turns to me.

 

Leading the way to the pool out back.

 

 

We both sit in silence, feet in the water, seeing the sunset reflect over her house onto the white marbled walls closing out the trees and small bushes.

 

''Hot weekend huh?'' Ashley finally says.

 

 

We've been quiet for several minutes, and I knew i'd eventually come back to it.

 

Our little mishap, the connection we lost.

 

 

So I finallly speak.

 

''Why did you leave me at the dance?'' I ask, turning my head to Ashley.

 

 

We both chose to sit in the lawn chairs. Planted near the edge of the pool surrounded by pool noodles everywhere.

 

I turn my head back over to look at the bushes.

 

After a brief silence before she talks.

 

 

''I found out, the one person I had been crushing on, was leaving.'' she says.

 

She doesn't look or even turn my way, she's in a trance.

 

As if it's her way of talking.

 

 

''Why didn't you come to me, we could of talked about it-'' I start.

 

''I know, but I wanted to go through the heartbreak alone.'' she interuppts.

 

 

Then it's silent again, letting her last words seep in.

 

''I told you about Jeremey right?'' she finally says.

 

''Yeah.'' I answer.

 

 

''Well,...he was the one I was upset about. Jeremey told me that night he was moving to New Jersery. I tried to convince him to stay and finally decide to go out with me.'' Ashley starts.

 

Then I turn my head back to see the look on her face.

 

She's biting her bottom lip, looking dazed at the pool.

 

 

''But he had to leave, which made me upset. And when you asked me what happened,....I realized.'' she says.

 

 

Then finally turning to me, with wonderless eyes. She speaks.

 

''I had fallen in love with my best friend.''

 

 

And the moment of truth, sucked in the soul I wanted to retrieve.

 

It brought out the worst to see her like this.

 

 

The upset looks, missing days at school.

 

I never knew all along.

 

 

But I told myself, within just a few months, that i'd forget.

 

It was kinda like that for me.

 

Sometimes it'd come back in bits and pieces, like the time I met Ashley.

 

 

I know most of how it went down, but not how it progressed over time.

 

And hearing those words from Ashley,...I just knew i'd forget the truth.

 

 

Why we broke apart.

 

But it was worth it in the end to know why.

 

To confront myself.

 

 

So I picked myself up, said my goodbyes.

 

Knowing, in another life. Me and Ashley would be reunited.

 

 

It wasn't much fun for us to be friends again, but I had hope she'd be happy.

 

So letting go was what I did best.

 

And the look on her face, was good enough.

 

 

We'd break up, no longer cling to each other. Just like in the 5th grade.

 

But we'd keep the memories.

 

Knowing, the connection would burn out.

 

 

And another love would sprout again.

 

But this time, it wouldn't be with Ashley.

 

 

That afternoon. Something else made an appearance in my life when I left Ashley's house.

 

The feeling of writing.

 

 

All this mapped out feeling, had me thinking. This would be a great guide for someone in my shoes.

 

For the story of Alex Carter to be told.

 

 

But how.

 

So I thought and I thought, making the walk home slow.

 

Until it came to mind, that I'd make a list.

 

 

One to fufill my dreams, and one to give advice.

 

Both to me and somebody else one day.

 

 

So that was just it. Over the summer I laid and thought.

 

Feeling my summer days drift away as the last dreaded year of middle school started.

 

 

Letting things go, and loving what's next.

 

 

When those last words slipped out of my mouth, I knew exactly what I meant by it.

 

When you lose something, or someone...it's awful.

 

But when you look at yourself, there's nothing else you could lose.

 

 

People claim to over-exaggerate on loss or under serious conditions, is life changing.

 

Yes, of course is it.

 

But nobody knows what it's like through the minds of the young.

 

 

You lose your body, your life. Soul and heart.

 

 

But most importantly, as always,....you lose yourself.

 

The one everyone had feelings for, the one everyone loved.

 

Yourself, through it all.

 

 

Beating hearts, and closed thoughts.

 

We all worry for the ones we care about, and it's time I care about myself.

 

 

So through stinging tears and words, I lift myself up from my spot on the bed.

 

Letting, Alex, sleep and think about it.

 

 

Having my words flow through my head, creating a memory on it for sure.

 

Or at least one to save.

 

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Publication Date: 03-12-2017

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