Just Another Chav Town Freak Out by Al Calm (best mystery novels of all time txt) 📖

hoping he had no more pinks left. But she was giving him the glossy mag eyes.  

And I'm not jotting Gary's dumb chat down again, fucking took me ages that. It's meant to be all quick and snappy, right? But me and Gary don't really chat chat. It stresses him out. I crank the tunes, thank fuck for Kool London! 

I was getting a bit smashed now anyways, not really listening, I open up another Special Brew and get a battered sausage while dropping some more pills, occasionally going out for a smoke round the back. Fuck - I needed that! Getting bored with Goofball Gary. He was going to stress his poor horny mother and I felt I was helping somehow. I'm pleased I had that bottle of brandy in my pocket too.

I thought about spiking his lemonade - yes, he's just like one of those boring non-alcoholic lightweights! But I could've took him home again - Gary was looking around all the time and getting panicky. That dude still looks at my dick, so I'm hoping he wasn't going to confess his love for me. That would've made me leave him there. 

The weird thing was he showed me a hotel key. The good thing that made me relieved was that he had got a text on his mobile with no credit on that some porn star had contacted him and wanted to meet. I had to admit that's skilful for a complete retard like Goofball Gary. I drooled and tried to do the Time Warp in the Chip Shop. Chip Girl asked me to leave - after giving me her number - she said the tight ass manager was going to call the pig patrol. I get that new Mampi tune and play it off me phone, I’d ripped it off radio anyways.  She thought I was getting fresh, but I don’t mind chip shop girls. They’re all kinda cute, innit?

Gary was already out of the door and I lurching all over the shop, go after him. I was slightly worried that Chip Girl might think I'm queer for Goofball Gary. I just had to keep an eye on him, Melissa would never forgive me if I let him out of my sight. And I ain't got shit else to do! 

 

 

 

 

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I'm getting hammered - getting proper wankered now - and I got to remember, as I'm having a time lapse thing where past present shit like that collide and mean shit. I think I've been in this situation before looking for someone through loads of people, in a strange place saying "what the fuck, what the fuck" to myself over and over again. Yeah, you might know the feeling? So Gary pulled a high time Chevy Chase on me and I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm sweating and I need to get some more party tricks.

The lights are strobes. So my eyes are fucking up now and I reckon Chip Girl is next to me. Shit, it really is Chip Girl. I think. I won't remember shit anyway. I mean, I got some fucking great shit flowing through my system, though I get a bit para, I think I'm out of Scanners and my brain feels like it'll explode everywhere. I always forget to say something funny or smooth, it's the way for me. I get a bit geeksonic. My fear gets to my guts - but the shit mole popping out of my arse is starting to go all Exorcist on me. I need the bog! Or a bag - fucking anything will do! 

Chip Girl follows me. I just make it to a sink and let rip, a chunky turd is stuck in the plughole. Man - oh man! - that's so good. Lucky I'm not cleaning here! I need a beer now. But a bottle of Jack Daniels Chip Girl hands me is just as good. I pour some on her, licking it off, making sure I lick her hard nips and she does that kooky cool girl laugh thing only girls can do when they're really fucking trashed. Shit, that gets me hard. Man, what's she on? I want some of that shit! After really getting down to some foreplay, I ask her, with a mouthful of vaginal discharge, where Gary is but she don't know. I mention he's trying to eat a celebrity and get up close and personal and all that shit. Chip Girl laughs again, before squirting over me. What a cool chick - I'm starting to like her.

I look around and the other people here have no faces, they look all spaced. But that don't stop the ruckus. I mean the floor is bodies. It's like a fucking shelter here. But it's cool. I'm starting to chill - Chip Girl offers me some peanut butter - fucking weird or what? It was actually a good idea - and while my pants are down - I smear some on my pimply cock. She's licking it off my cock for a while and I stick some on her dry tight cunt - it's just right, as I let my hand probe. I go into Iron Fist mode, but she sort've let out a "ughrur"-sound which might be that weird pleasure/pain thing.

I'm not Derek Acorah and she doesn't run away or scream or anything freaky - so quick as Flash, I'm sticking my cock in her peanut butter covered cunt, enjoying the good old squelchsquelch motion and I see Gary! Fucking no kidding! He's got some Afro wig on and is trying to moonwalk in his velcro shoes - now soaked in various chemicals. He's been hanging with Jedward. Fucking freaky. Man I reckon he's trying to freak me out. He doesn't care who he's treading on, as crashed wasters don't notice they're being used for a dancefloor. I wave to the Goofball, the fucker ignores me. I go to move, but I'm attached to Chip Girl. I'm staying. Fucking arse can come to me, man!

Goofball Gary then screams and screams, but it looks weird with the music, and then he runs out. Thankfully Chip Girl has passed out on me. Man, it was starting to get sore anyway. I run out of the dodgy warehouse and look around. Gary's really vanished this time. I'm expecting to see him in a puddle of his own puke and faeces but - oh shit there he is, he's trying to puke. Thank fuck for that!

I go up to Gary and the dumb goofball fucker don't recognise me and freaks out. I realise I got my trousers down and I'm smeared in blood, cum and peanut butter. I try to explain but I'm slurring, then Gary punches me. Damn, I don't dig violence - yeah OK, the non-consensual sorta thing, I dig passwords and boundaries and all that - and I'm telling you man, Gary's punch is so weak I start laughing. Then Gary kicks me in the fucking balls.

This doesn't get me laughing. I deserve it - pissing on karma vibes and for just leaving Chip Girl. I'm in serious pain, nursing a bruised boner, I clock that Goofball freak runs back into the warehouse, leaving a trail of chunder chowder. Great! The retard outwitted me. It’s lucky he didn’t spike with his shitty pills, I’d be lucky to wake up in A&E! Then I look up and see some Pigs - two fat cops looking pretty pissed off. Those fascists are filming me and my pimply peanut butter covered prick.

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I hate to admit it, but I must've blacked out. It rarely happens to me. I don't black out often, though I seem to remember something about people dressed in daft uniforms. I don’t know how batty those pigs might be, sure I'm not going crazy, I only had a bit to drink, I think. Thank fuck for hospitals, though. I usually puke so much, I have to drink more to stop puking. But I honestly don't know.

Yeah, I've woken up in hospital. And I think hospitals are cool. And I'm on a tasty drip longing me buzz out, tripped vibes. I just need some Primal Scream playing, bit of Echodek dudes! I might just be still fucked though, so they better have me padded - it's so liberating just to piss and shit yourself when you're out of it. It's one of life's weird pleasures. Anyway, I'm hoping they all think I got mugged. But that's not what's odd. 

This is the weirdest thing man: I'm getting a really tasty blowjob. A proper real good old fashioned pornofanatical cocksuck. The old slurp slurp never fails to get me up. I think great, right? I got my eyes shut real tight, and I'm dreaming of Chip Girl visiting me with a dirty mouthshake, or some fit Nurse working on the rehab. But, check it, I open my eyes to find some balding male nurse sucking my cock, like it's the last cock on earth.

He's really making me melt in his mouth, I'm frozen with fear. I almost freak out, but I don't want him to know I've come round. Yeah, this male nurse is well hairy, people. He has hair growing out of his fucking hair. And he's bald where he needs the fucking hair! I think about how this isn't happening to me, but I have to say it's starting to feel pretty fucking good. This definitely can't make me gay, I'm sure of it. Well, I suppose Melissa will never find out unless some fucker’s filming it. Then I think of that Goofball twat of her son, and realise I still gotta find that fuckup.

Shit, he might be anyway now. Fuck knows how long I been here. But I slowly clock I'm still getting blown while I'm thinking of Melissa and I'm too achey to move. I wonder what happened to the pigs that brought me in? I bet they searched me for ages. I'm starting to feel sick, but really really aroused. The balding male nurse has huge pools of sweat rolling around his bald dome. He's getting my dome for nothing.

As I'm about to shoot my load into this balding nurse's mouth, a slightly camp and really wasted doctor - with a dodgy ginger CNN-hair cut and Jessica Fletcher specs - runs up to the balding cocksucker. This doc's looking angry and is making a squeaky fairy noise to baldy. You know the noise when poofs get angry? Anyway, this doctor has caught this sly balding cocksucker at it. I pretend I'm out of it again, but I'm watching as the balding nurse, wiping my precum from his around his mouth, suddenly squares up to his lover. 

They mumble something - I can't hear what they're whispering, but the doctor starts slapping the bald cockhunter in a right little hissy fit. But he's pretty tough, as he starts bearhugging this bald dickfeaster, then wrestles him down to the ground, tearing down his flimsy trousers. I'm trying not to laugh, but I'm getting weirded out. Shit, I think he's going to fuck the bald cockkisser. The bald cocksucker is crying like a brat, and I'm going trying to hold back shooting my load over them - my bell-end is throbbing like mad, it's fucking agony. 

This doctor is really fucked though, I'm not shitting you, as he grabs the drip and sticks the drip tube right up the bald cocksucker's hairy arse. Yeah, there's a scream I'm going to remember - that's for sure! The bald cocksuckfucker passes out, crumpled up on the floor beside me. The doctor straightens himself out, takes a hipflask out of his blood covered pocket, and gives it a good swig. He then checks me, making sure I'm out