Just Another Chav Town Freak Out by Al Calm (best mystery novels of all time txt) 📖

whole lot: dropping acid in school, hammering way too many pills at some illegal rave, dropping more shit, lots of puffing, snorting marching powder while working in some shitty office, getting my stomach pumped, taking shrooms in the middle of nowhere, skin popping in a supermarket toilet. It makes you think this thinky brain shit, I'm shocked it comes back now and again to haunt me. Fuck, that's fun. 

Guess what's not completely gone from my limited memory? You kinda guessed it - that crazy Goofball and Melissa. Yeah, these leathers rub real bad. But, I focus and I promise myself that I'll definitely ring Melissa a bit later. I know it'll probably get put back again, but I'm kinda curious where Fudge Vanilla might be leading me. I guess I'm a real dick P.I. now? I still don't know. My gut rumbles, my mouth's as dry as a camel's butt and my dick still leads the way for me. I guess I'm a pretty wanky thinker, so I keep stumbling down the cold dungeon stairs. 

De Danja Zonerz

OK, OK, you guessed it, I stacked it down the dungeon steps and knocked myself out cold. I can't believe they wanted to fuck me to death - but I woke up getting fucked up the arse by that NikNak lookalike, Lothario. I thought the pain was in my head not up my arse. Shit, for a little shit Lothario has a huge cock. It's really getting rammed into my rectum and I feel like puking. Got a thing about crazy midgets. I try not to like it, but you know how it goes? When in Rome! Don't make me batty though? I ain't getting emotional, right?

I look around, trying to take my mind off things, and I'm in some mirrored torture room. There's a poster for a bestiality ranch over a mirror,  near one corner. I reckon that's probably the door. I'm tied to a slab, and I can't move.I wonder if there's a phone in here, I need to phone Melissa quick. She's got to believe me what's going on here. She probably won't: how do you break the news that your son is a government created cannibal celebrity killer? Yeah, I'm stumped, too. But at least thinking about Melissa is stopping me thinking about Lothario arsefucking me. Really fucking hard.

I wonder where Fudge Vanilla has chipped off too. I think she might've tricked me. The mirror in the corner with the bestiality ranch poster on opens slightly and Fudge Vanilla slinks in - whoa, she's looking so hot! She is dressed in a silver jumpsuit and covered in baby oil and bodyglitter. That silver jumpsuit is kinda unzipped quite low, but I think she's shaved her haven. The pain's making my eyes all blurry - I almost pass out when she puts on a huge strapon dildo and starts it up. I think I'm done for, as I don't think I can't take another butt pounding - my arse is burning like a summer on Mercury. And weather people will think Mercury is probably cold compared to seering heat in my arse. Not that I got weather people up my arse too.

The pain's making me think crazy shit, but I can't tell - I think and chat a lot of shit anyway. Out of the corner of my eye, Fudge Vanilla does something real strange Lothario can't see - as Lothario is putting his all into pounding my butt - but on the sly, Fudge Vanilla is lining up the huge dildo and sticks it right up Lothario's arse. Lothario screams like Ned Flanders turning into a werewolf, I never heard a scream like it, as Fudge Vanilla presses a button which releases some sort of laser and Lothario explodes all over us. I'm literally covered in Lothario's fleshy mush, he's dripping off the walls. I bet he didn't cum!

I was silent for a minute or ten then I try to regain my headspace, wiping bits of Lothario off me.

"Shit, babe, you killed the midget!"

"I know", Fudge sneers.

 "What the fuck we going to do now?"

"Get the fuck out of here. Or you got used to getting fucked up the arse now? You know I can't carry you if you get fucked or stack it again. I said to be cool. They heard you, I had to leave you and figure a way to rescue you."

"That's cool, I'm a clumsy fucker anyway! Thanks by the way, babe!"

"I think I'm falling in love with you, you don't love me for my celebrity status and all that - I've never met someone like that!"

"That's cool babe, you know I'd rather have money than fame, it's all bollocks anyway. But I kinda dig your vibe. I had no idea you liked me."

"It's a love-hate thing, I hope your arse is killing!"

"It is! It's burning up like a comet babe! I hope Lothario didn't have AIDS or anything nasty. Can you rim me to soothe the pain? I don't know, but I'm really in pain."

Fudge Vanilla smirks a cocktease smirk, shakes that cute little head she's got. It's worth a try - I'm just mixing it up. I need a woman after all that man loving! Fudge Vanilla stares at me for a while. I'm hoping she'll rethink and give me a blowjob at the very least. But she says:

"When I was watching you from the peepholes - I'll admit it to you - it's a real turn on." 

"You're kidding me? Really? Shit, that's great! I turned you on! You want a three with Chip Girl?"

Real odd she don't answer that one, just that same cocktease smirk. I suss something weird and say:

Wait up! Wait one fucking weird minute, popbabebitch! Me getting fucked by a midget was a turn on? That fucking turned you on?"

"I was on a quick marketing tour, I didn't get much time to myself. It was worth it and it was free. I'm addicted to masturbating and I love myself -  after all, I am my world. That's music and shit - you have to think like that or just won't survive. There's no business like it! 

"Lady, I been in no business before but I got a real good knowledge of doing fuck all! I'm a bit gutted I couldn't see you go solo when I was getting arsefucked! Shit -that sucks real bad! I'm not bent, I just like fucking."

"That's what they all say. I blame the rapid life, and all of my success. I had a number one at eight, then decided to retire in a couple of years - but I want a fashion label and some film roles in real films before I'm twenty. Not fucking TV movies, you know the shitty ones? Those ones with really shit CGI. You know what superbrands are all about, we're all brands these days."

Fuck! What a lecture man! She's starting to bore me a bit. I still want to fuck her though!

"Yeah, I suppose I'm Marmite!" 

"No, you're more like peanut butter!"

"Don't remind me! Yeah, shouldn't we get out of here?"

"No, it's fine, we'll be able to stay here for a while. I've got the dildogun, they'll be getting reinforcements - they don't like this weapon. The future will be full of wars with robots with dildoguns fucking each other to death. It'll be like a sport fucking robot war. Did I tell you I can fly the jacuzzi chopper, next door as well?"

"Seriously? A jacuzzichopper? That's one thing I gotta see!"

"Let's go then you clumsy fucker!" Fudge used the dildo gun again, turning it's laser down to cut my bonds, setting me free.  

"That's turning you on, isn't it?"

"Just don't piss me off! Remember who wears the dildogun in this relationship!"

I scarper well quick, even though my arse is all caked in blood, guts, and cum. I'm secretly pleased Fudge Vanilla isn't a complete fuckhead and isn't out to get me, but she doesn't seem to like me too much. And I thought I had a way with the ladies! Either way, I get out of that torture room like a man who's jumped on a cactus, but I'm getting closer to surviving this shit and getting out of here for good. Fuck going after that Goofball now! I'm still gutted I must've dropped that bowl of coke, but I'm hoping Fudge Vanilla's going to spark those doobies for the journey out of here!

Booyatripz

It's true man! Shit, I never thought I'd see it but Fudge Vanilla really can fly a fucking jacuzzichopper! The water is so good it hits me right away. Now I know what Threepio's oil baths are like for him. This is the best, and it ain't no time machine jacuzzi or anything stupid like that. I mean, I'll think that'll be a great kinda idea for a porno, but this jacuzzichopper is a real simple thing: a jacuzzi in some miltary chopper. It's a weird invention, and I know all these rich, real powerful, fucks who run everything get loads of cool shit. It's fucking unfair but it's just never going to change until everyone around the world has millions themselves. 

I suppose there'd still be a weird kinda poverty because the billionaires would see the millionaires as cheap shits. I got nothing against rich or posh fuckers, or even those upwardly mobile middleclass types. You know the ones? With that Lego hair style, all shockwanked up, and all those geekytechy ways - they still can't hold their shit together at a real rave, and they probably watch Hollyoaks and Skins. They probably still care about cool music charts and all that trendy wank. 

Yeah, speaking of wank, I try to sound posh sometimes - I even talk like the Queen, when I'm really off my nut. But it makes me kinda think this sorta shit: that really the Queen's just a lovely little granny on really good benefits with a really slimy family who just so happen to be on really good benefits with her, but they're selfish fuckers, so they want more. That's going on everywhere, regardless of the power structure man.  

It's just the way you look at it. I look at shit real different now. I'll forget about this crazy shit. I can't think what the jacuzzichopper looks like now, until Fudge Vanilla comes up to me, passing a huge doobie. For some weird reason, there's fucking smoke everywhere. Shit, I'm sure she just lit up, how come it feels like hours and we been smoking for ages? 

"It's the water babe", Fudge Vanilla whispers to me, licking the gore and wax out of my ear. She's giving me a footjob under the bubbles.

"Fucking lovely bubbles!" I farted! It had to be done, it's a jacuzzi thing! She didn't notice anyways!

I take a long hit on the doobie and seem to merge with it. Shit, I'm sure I've been here before!

"What's this shit? Are you giving me a footjob now?"

"No way you dick! You're sick! There's acid in the water. It's my father's way of getting rid of us both. He knew I'd take it. He knows you're a major fuckhead, too."

"That's groovy. I never known a smoke called acidwater. Fucking Dutch boffins! Sounds like you said there's acid in the water? Tastes lovely to me!"

"Is it soothing your poor arse?"

"Yeah, it sure is. You can soothe it too - if you want?"

"You want me to lick your butt and you want us to end up fucking? Can you see a future in that?"

"Sure - why the hell not?"

"I think I'm going to hell - I'M GOING TO FUCKING HELL! I AM, AREN'T I? YOU FUCKING DICK? WE'RE GONNA FUCKING CRASH IN HELL ON MARS!"

Fudge Vanilla stops giving me that footjob, as she splashes and freaks out, spitting and shitting everywhere in the jacuzzi. Her big toenail slices my foreskin but I can't scream - I just kinda gasp, this water is chilling my dick real good. My