Just Another Chav Town Freak Out by Al Calm (best mystery novels of all time txt) 📖

blood and the water, it's so good. It's immune somehow or I just can't feel it because I'm so fucked. I like that vibe and try not to think about a hell on Mars - that's way deep fo jacuzzi talk. I try to smooth talk her and lick her nipples, but she's really splashing everywhere. I reckon I got the gift of the gab, so I try to chill this chick out: 

"Babe, just let it flow, it's water. Water is good, right? This shit is some fucking mental smoke man! I tell you, we won't crash. It's on autodrive, yeah? I don't know, I don't have a clue! You must have some tomtom autopiece of shit with this thing?"

"Do I? That's great then!"

"Ain't you driving this jacuzzichopper?"

"I don't know, I just love this water! I want to sleep in it. OH SHIT, I DON'T WANT TO DROWN! I CAN'T SWIM, CAN I?"

"Yeah, that's in that Parliament kick out. The only Parliament I'll dig! Thank fuck for those supercool funksters!"

"Where are they? They the three bears? Why am I scared of bears? Look at me sweating!LOOK! Successful pop stars don't sweat this much, I'm meant to be storming the charts this weekend. I want to be big before I have a fucking real tour! It worked for that Pixie Peach bitch! I'll cry to my daddy! And he's rich and powerful and will fuck up the world!!"

"Hold on a moment Lady Fudge! Don't you hate that fucked fucker? And what's that about Gaga Vanilla playing Goo Goo Dada? They a band? I'm not too with it these days, but it sounds like some poshfuckfest at RADA or some shit. It some poncy event for those mincing queer lovies? Fucking squares man! Yeah, fuck them! I'll turn into a dildo and fuck them all! I can do that, I'm like monkeyman! I pilot a monkey! My dick is like a monkey!"

OK, I'm making chimp and baby sounds, so what? I'm in a fucking jacuzzi! Fudge Vanilla squeezes my balls, I remember her name. Shit, that's it. I remember. And I'm not into it that rough - ball squeezing is a bit scary - but she whispers to me:

"Wait, we're chatting shit - calm down, control it!"

I'm getting pissed off, and she sprayed her spit all over me as she whispered to me. What is with all that? That's it, I kinda lose my rag and say to her:

"No sister - you control it! You're getting me really freaked out. I can't handle this shit! Oh please make it stop, I don't want to cry and die and all that bad shit, I mean, you got something to help this shit?"

"Keep it together dick, we'll pull though - we can get out of this. We need to make an emergency landing. Find the big yellow button! Avoid those three bears!"

At last, Fudge Vanilla is hugging me. She's got a great smell. That clean fit babe kinda smell. I don't know why, but she's really pissing me off, with her posh ways. She's going to remind me that I'm a drop out who went to state school, who knows shit. So I really flip out now: 

"You keep it together - bears, they look like penis alien slugs. I ain't looking for shit no more! I done my share of looking. Are you Melissa? She here? She's a fucking milf porn star now! OK, I made that up, but she could be. She probably is on the sly."

"Don't look now, but the three bears are staring at us."

"Shit, Melissa's a fucking bear? Bears are fine, I can dig bears. Tame ones, like  in a Romanian circus. Look at those bears getting into spaceshuttles - that's it bears, you get with the aliens! Get us human's back, we're fuckers! That's weird, they're humping the slugs? That must be their space ritual thingy. I really want to listen to Jilted Generation or Hall of the Mountain Grill right now. What button you on about?"

Fudge Vanilla was not chatting to me now, as she's kinda huddling up into a ball. At first it looks like she's smelling her fart, or trying to crawl up her butt. My dick's so hard it's turning into marble. The water's dirty, so I'm fine, I keep saying it to myself.

"I'm fine, I'm sure I'm fine - it's cool!"

Gots to love that funky trip out shit!

At that point everything goes dark! I will try to stop blacking, you think I'm total wimpy hippy mince, don't you? I can't help it that I am turning into a fucking larry! My tears are all gooey, like my tears have turned to cum. I'm thinking of cum on me face again, shit I can't be like you know? I don't want to be called cumface. But I think I'm dead, or it's that thing where I come around and it was some kinda dream shit and I've met some random munter at the club and we get proper messy and we've puked over each other during some really furious fucking sessh. Sore balls, sore arse, that clears it all up. I really hope so. Hope I ain't got crabs again though.

I'm just waiting for it, as it's usually the way with me. I can't let Melissa find out. Shit, that one a bright light! It's making me come around real fast. And I've shot my load in the jacuzzi now. It had to be done too. I thought I'd got out of the jacuzzi, but I'm still in it. It's like it's a moon. Full of little teddy bears. But I'm coming round, I ain't in the jacuzzichopper thing no more! Where the fuck am I now? 

That's my key thing: I don't know where the fuck I am. I think I'm tripping in a jacuzzichopper, but then again I might have been off my nut before getting in that piece of shit! What I can't get is I've totally forgot everything. And I'm sure I might've been hanging with a chick - not Howard Marks, or that dude from Sparks. It was definitely some poptart kinda chick. You never know at these swingers things! Should've stayed at Astralwerks, spacetime chilling man.

It's sorta odd, as I see some strange people in the cafe across the street. They're all dead looking aliens. I'm in a place that looks like New York, mixed with Morden, but a bit of Mars. I can chill here. It seems fine. I've got a cool leather jacket on and I'm kinda alive. Fuck, my memory's not all that great - but it's taken worse hits before.   

Anyway, I got a new identity - my fake ID reads Jezzy Mongo. I'm reborn out of the trippy shit. And I got a new case. Being a private dick gets you into weird far out kinda things. Just ask that bogey boy, Marlowe. What a gumsuckerfucker. He should have chilled with Truck Turner, Starchild and Doc Funkenstein. I seen the flicks, too. But it's not the same, don't fight it, feel it. I'm just another bad hallucination now, so I got to get wasted on this world.

I go into the cafe and decide to talk to these alien stoners about my new case. One alienthing is called Dolphy Danik. I done some groundwork on him. It's lucky that jacuzzichopper had some files on aliens. Danik's a huge alien and looks like a piece of shit with hair. He has five cocks and two rectums, and his mouth is nowhere to be seen. It's like chatting to some old 2D cartoon. I swagger around, really getting into the undercover schmooze.

" How's the life, dude?" I say, feeling really alive.

"Fuck off Dick, I ain't got shit for you!" Danik screams.

"Hey, guys, we're all aliens here! Let's try to get on, right?"

"This ain't Mars-lite dick. Listen, Jezzy, you been dead years here. I don't care what case you're working, but you're not working this one!"

Danik's playing hard to get. I smile and order another amphet-vodka shot.

"Listen, dude, give me some information. My new case is tough. I got to find some kid, the Galactic Tsar's kid. She's a big kid, like a teen. Looks pretty nubile to me. She's called Melissa. How many aliens do you know who are called Melissa? You know this could be just like The Shack? That's some heavy shit and you can encourage everyone you meet to read it. Or at least the population of a small country. You know what I mean, don't you?"

I think I've waffled on too long with the hardball vibes. Maybe Danik's not playing hard to get. I got an image of him cheesing going through my mind over and over again. maybe he hasn't got the shack. Shit, I wish jesus would throw a cameo for me now, I'm sucking at this undercover lark.

"I can read your mind, shithead!" Danik says to me, while eating some kind of gooey burger paste. It looks like cum mixed up with burger meat. So to some it might also look like cum mixed with shit, being munched by a giant turd with hair.

"Shit, I forgot! I'm in another worldspace, and all!"

"You better not be a reborn, Jezzy. We hate you fucks."

"Yeah, I hate them aswell. You can still score for me right? I know we'll party hard, there's still raves here? I know, I've got a case, but surely we can beam all the Old Skoolers here? I'm well up for RTC, Brockie Det, Marvellous Cain, Bunter, Dugs and Slippers, you name it, get DJ Rap, Kenny Ken and Randall, don't tell me I'm going to miss them?  

They all laugh at me.

"Can't you help me find this kid then?"

"Maybe. You're the guy who nailed that really fucked up cold celebrity cannibal killer, aren't you?" Danik asks. I think he's warming to me a bit. My charms are still supercool!

"I think so. I mean, it's a process of change and the law's a bitch, you know the law right?

"No, we Shatters do not like these laws. That's their shitty law. But it's good you got the Goofu. We like X-Factor and The Hills, TOWIE, Jersey Shore and Geordie Shore. Shit like that. We can't have those talentless fucks harmed!" 

"Well, it's just as well you can speak English, man. I mean, why is it most aliens can speak English?"

"It's because we're smarter than you humans."

"Yeah, good point. I didn't think of that. I always wondered why I never could understand Chewbacca."

"You got a point, pencil-dick? We're trying to eat here! Even at the crossroads of space and time and we're still getting hassled by annoying little dicks."

"Yeah, I kinda had a bump on my head and forgot things. Maybe they already done one, but I wish there was a porn version of X-Factor. They could call it X-Fucker. Or Fucktor? Is that a word? I don't know, do I? Your English ain't bad for an alien thing, dude!"

Danik looks pissed off now.

"What you want Jezzy Mongo?"

 " Seriously, can I score off you guys?"

With that, they all start laughing again. Maybe we're just having some communication breakdown. I do the Led Zep guitar riff, air guitar styley but they don't get it.

"We didn't know you're that kinda undercover snoop", growls Danik.

"I'm on your side man - I just need to figure out a way to get this case together."

"We'll work for you. We have a new friend to meet though. He's a bit daft, but he'll grow on you."

Just my luck - another freak for a some random star trip.

"That's fine guys, that's all good. Maybe we can go to this planet's space town. Get stocked up, get loaded and hit the town!"

Danik looks pissed off with me. I look at the waitress and I've seen this lady somewhere, I don't know where though.

"That's seventy woohoocredits, people."

Danik scoffs, and stares at the waitress.

"Seventy? For this slop?"

"Hey, guys, let's not get funny over a little food," I stammer.

"Seventy Credits for this?"

The waitress nods.

"Did you want it on your tab, Danik?"

Danik looks