The New Pun Book by Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey (books for 5 year olds to read themselves .txt) 📖
- Author: Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey
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But the sadness of her sadness,
And the gladness of her gladness,
Are nothing to her madness when she's mad!
"Is it raining, girls?"
"No," broke in Cumso; "only cats and dogs."
[17]Guest—What have you got?
Waiter—I've got liver, calf's brains, pig's feet—
Guest—Hold up there! I don't want a description of your physical peculiarities. What have you got to eat is what I want to know.
Stranger—"Boy, can you direct me to the bank?"
Boy—"I kin for a quarter."
Stranger—"A quarter! Isn't that high pay?"
Boy—"Yes, sir; but it's bank directors what gits high pay, you see, sir!"
"It's very puzzling," said a worried looking woman to one of her neighbors.
"What's that?"
"I can't tell whether Willie is corrupting the parrot or whether the parrot is corrupting Willie."
Playwright—"There is a great climax in the last act. Just as two burglars climb in the kitchen window the clock strikes one; then——"
Manager Conn—"Be more explicit. Which one did the clock strike?"
[18]"I sent a dollar last week" said the Good thing, "in answer to that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas bills."
"And you got——"
"A printed slip directing me to paste them in a scrap-book."
"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" inquired a teacher of a class of youths.
"I have," exclaimed one.
"Where?" asked the teacher.
"On the elephant," replied the boy.
"Curious, isn't it?"
"What?"
"A man's handwriting is never so bad that his name can't be read when signed to a check."
"That cook would make a good baseball player."
"Why so?"
"A fly got into the batter when she was serving the griddles, and the way she caught that fly from the batter was a sight to rush an umpire into an early grave."
[19]When you see a young man cleaning a girl's bicycle, they are engaged; but when you see the operation reversed, they are married.
She (approvingly)—You won her hand, then?
He (rather glumly)—Humph—I presume so. I'm under her thumb.
"What is the difference between the admission to a dime museum and the admission to Sing Sing?"
"Don't know. What?"
"One is ten cents and the other is sentence."
"A man at the hotel wanted to bet that Corbett would knock out Jeffries."
"Who took him up?"
"The elevator boy, I think."
Why is a railroad train like a bedbug?
It runs over the sleepers.
Caller—Wonder if I can see your mother, little boy? Is she engaged?
Little Boy—Engaged? Whatcher givin' us? She's married.
[20]"I must admit," said the mannish girl, "that I'm very fond of men's clothes. You don't like them, do you?"
"Yes. I do," replied the girly girl, frankly, "when there's a man in them."
When a woman finds her dress does not match her complexion, it is always easy enough to change her complexion.
"My friend," said the long-coated old man, solemnly, "have you made preparation for the day of judgment?"
"Sir," replied the young man, "that's how I make my living."
"Young man!"
"I'm employed in the sheriffs office."
"George, you look exhausted," she said to him as he was putting on his hat and coat.
"Yes," he answered, glancing towards his daughter at the piano. "I'm played out."
Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is said: "Her eyes chained him to the spit." She must have been links-eyed.
[21]"Do I bore you?" asked the mosquito, politely, as he sunk a half-inch shaft into the man's leg.
"Not at all," replied the man, squashing him with a book. "How do I strike you?"
"How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?"
"It was fought to a draw—and they both fell in!"
What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question? Acquiescence.
Mashington—What's the matter with your clock? It's stopped.
Tailor—I never wind it up. I use it as a motto.
"What do you mean?"
"No tick here."
The hawk was dozing. "You look," said the jay, from a safe distance, "as if you were full."
"Well," the hawk admitted, "I have just been having a little lark that was a bird."
[22]"You ought to be very proud of your wife. She is a brilliant talker."
"You're right there."
"Why, I could listen to her all night."
"I have to."
"I once knew a man who, with the aid of a microscope, made a harness for a flea."
"Humph!" replied the other, "that's nothing. I saw that same flea harnessed."
"You want a divorce from your wife, do you?"
"Yes, sir, I do."
"What grounds?"
"Incompatability. She and the cook are quarreling continually."
"How about the lazy man who hurt his eye looking for work?"
"That's nothing. How about the industrious safe breaker doing time for making money?"
Don't take a bull by the horns; take him by the tail, then you can let go without getting some one to help you.
[23]"Women, my boy," said a parent to his son, "are a delusion and a snare." "It is queer," murmured the boy, "people will hug a delusion." And while the old man looked queerly at him, the young man hunted up his roller-skates and went out to be snared.
"Would you," said the reporter who gets novel interviews, "tell me what book helped you most in life?"
After a thoughtful pause, the great man answered: "My bank-book."
"You were thrown out?" remarked the ash barrel. "That's what you get for being crooked."
"The crookedness, is not my fault," said the nail. "I was driven to it by a woman."
"What relation is a door-step to a door-mat?"
"What relation?"
"A step-farther."
Guide—This is a dogwood tree.
Stranger—How can you tell?
Guide—By its bark.
[24]Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level.
Mrs. Powell—"I have such an indulgent husband!"
Mrs. Cameron (spitefully)—"Yes, so Justin tells me, but he sometimes indulges too much, doesn't he?"
"They caught the burglars that robbed the hotel last night."
"How?"
"They jumped on the scales and gave themselves a weigh."
"You own your own house, don't you?"
"I used to."
"Have you sold it?"
"No, I haven't sold it."
"Then how is it you don't own it?"
"Well, you see, we have company most of the time."
"Mike, d' I ever tell ye the story about the dirty window?"
"You did not. Tell me about it."
"No use—you couldn't see through it."
[25]A lady noticed a boy sprinkling salt on the sidewalk to take off the ice, and remarked to a friend, pointing to the salt:
"Now, that's true benevolence."
"No, it ain't," said the boy, somewhat indignant, "it's salt."
Teacher—Thomas, can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed in?
Tommy (after a moment's reflection)—I think it was his last.
Johnnie—"Ya-as, I've just come back from Ireland—County Cork. Ever been to Cork?"
Soubrette—"No—but I've seen a good many drawings of it."
"What is love?"
"A fresh egg."
"Marriage?"
"Hard boiled eggs."
"Divorce?"
"Scrambled eggs."
Man's weary soul is vexed.
He'll shake your hand one minute and
He'll pull your leg the next!
[26]"Hush, not so loud! We're having a conference of the powers."
"Eh! Who is conferring?"
"My wife, my mother-in-law and the cook."
"I saw De Castro, the magician, make a $20 gold piece disappear in three minutes." "That's nothing. You ought to see my wife with a $20 bill at a church bazaar."
An art-school student recently painted the picture of a dog under a tree so lifelike that it was impossible to distinguish the bark of the tree from that of the dog.
Lady—Why do you remove your sword, Lieutenant?
Gallant Officer—My lovely miss, the fire from those eyes would compel the bravest soldier to surrender his arms.
She—"You used to call me the light of your life."
He—"Ah, but I had no idea then how much it would cost to keep it burning."
[27]Moses—"How did you make your money, Ike?"
Ike—"By horse-razing."
Moses—"Vatt, not bedding?"
Ike—"Naw—I started a pawnshop just by the oudside of de razetrack for de peoble who vanted to get home ven de razes was over."
He—Don't you think Miss Plainly is the very image of her mother?
She—Yes, indeed; the resemblance is something awful.
—"I want to be an angel."
—"Just wait till you've backed one or two 'stars,' and you'll change that tune my boy."
Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word; that's why females are always employed in that capacity.
"What are you going to do with your boy?"
"I don't know; I'm afraid he is a bad egg."
"In that case he might do for an actor."
[28]Biggs—That butcher is an awkward fellow.
Boggs—Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh.
"Is the proprietor in?" asked the visitor to the planing mill. "I want to order some doors."
"He's in," replied the smart office boy, "but I think he's out o' doors."
"Did the minister say anything comforting?" asked the neighbor of the widow recently bereaved.
"Indeed, he didn't," was the quick reply. "He said my husband was better off."
"What kind of hen lays the longest?"
"What kind?"
"A dead hen."
Cityman—Do they keep a servant girl?
Subbubs—O! certainly not. But as soon as one leaves they engage another.—Philadelphia Press.
If a woman would change her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then, of course.
[29]"What in the world shall I do with the baby, John? She's crying for the moon."
"That's nothing. Wait till she's eighteen and she'll want the earth."
"The man who was run over by the cars the other day, is now out of danger."
"That's good."
"He died this morning."
"The death of her husband must have been a dreadful blow to Mrs. Musicale."
"It was, indeed."
"I suppose she has given up her piano playing entirely."
"No; she still plays; but only on the black keys."
Her fate was most unkind.
No doubt she only wished to see
How hung her skirt behind.
Smith—There is something that will never be boycotted by the fair sex as long as time lasts.
Jones—What's that?
Smith—The Easter bonnet.
[30]"In one way the clock makers are independent of labor troubles."
"That's very fortunate, isn't it," said his wife innocently, "but how?"
"Simply because in clock works the hands never strike."
"There is a man who never knew such a thing as fear."
"Ah, had a military training, I suppose."
"No; his nerve is inherited. His father and his grandfather were both janitors."
"What is the plural of man, Johnny?" asked the teacher of a small pupil.
"Men," answered Johnny.
"Correct," said the teacher. "And what is the plural of child?"
"Twins," was the unexpected answer.
First Comedian—"Did you score a hit with your new specialty?"
Second Comedian—"Did I? Why, the audience gazed in open-mouthed wonder before I was half through."
First Comedian—"Wonderful! It is seldom that an entire audience yawns at once."
Clasped lovingly in mine,
I'd little care what others sought—
That hand I held, lang syne!
Soft? Ne'er was so soft a thing!
Ah, me! I'll hold it ne'er again—
Ace, ten, knave, queen and king!
Wife—"Got a dollar?"
Husband—"Where's the last dollar I gave you?"
"Gone."
"I thought I told you to make it go as far as you could."
"I did."
"Doesn't look like it."
"Well, I did; I sent it to the Fiji Island heathen."
Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was making a speech once. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I only asked for your ears, I don't care for your heads!" He was not bothered any more during the remainder of his speech.
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