The New Pun Book by Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey (books for 5 year olds to read themselves .txt) 📖
- Author: Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey
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That his taste led him into the hare-bit
Of spending his days
Near the doors of cafeys,
And when he would see one he'd grare-bit.
How is that; you weren't drowned last week when you fell overboard, you can't swim?
No, I had on a pair of duck pants.
Doctors are like cockroaches. When you once get them into the house, it is terribly difficult to get them out again.
Fogg says his sister Ann will talk culture till he falls asleep. He says she is a sort of Ann æsthetic.
"I'm afraid the bed is not long enough for you," said the landlord to a seven-foot guest.
"Never mind," he replied; "I'll add two more feet to it when I get in."
[106]"I never could see why they always called a boat 'she.'"
"Evidently you have never tried to steer one."
"Did you hear that there was a skeleton in Smith's family?" asked Jones.
"You don't say so!" exclaimed his wife. "Where?"
"Inside of Smith of course."
A young woman who married a one-legged man says it doesn't take much to make her husband hopping mad.
"What was the trouble?"
"He couldn't swim."
"What has that to do with his failure?"
"He got into a company where the stock was all water."
"It takes Tom a day and a night to tell a story."
"He'd make a good bookkeeper, I should think."
"Why?"
"Never short in his account."
[107]John—Why is a woman's heart like an umbrella?
Belle—I'm sure I don't know.
"Because it is not considered any harm to steal it."
"Cheer up, friend," said the parson to the dying editor, "you have a bright future before you."
"That's what's bothering me," gasped the editor, "I can see it blazing."
Mr. Schmidt—"I don't feel preddy well, Hans. I haf a horse in my throat."
Hans—"Dot 'horse' is nod right. You mean you have a 'colt in your hedt.'"
A green Irishman was sent by his employer to take charge of a Jewish funeral, and upon making his report to his "Boss," Pat says:
"That's a curious custom the Jews have of placing a $20 gold piece in the right hand of the corpse."
"Why, that is to pay his way over the river Jordan."
"Well," says Pat, "if that's the case that Hebrew will have to swim, because I swiped the $20."
When the golden day is done;
Two forms with but one easy chair,
Two hearts that beat as one.
"What do you think of this scheme of telegraphing without wires?"
"That's nothing new. My wife has kicked my sins under the table for twenty years."
A tramp rang a doctor's doorbell, and asked the pretty woman who opened the door if she would be so kind as to ask the doctor if he had a pair of old trousers he would kindly give away. "I'm the doctor," said the smiling young woman, and the tramp nearly fainted.
"When Mr. Casey died he left all he had to an orphan asylum."
"Indeed! That was nice of him. What did he leave?"
"His twelve children."
Who captured a youthful trans.
He said, "Son, don't lie—
Aren't you stealing pie?"
But the lad said, "I'm not a conf."
[109]"What is there about betting on horse-races that is so bad for the health?" said young Mrs. Brown.
"I never heard of anything," answered the visitor.
"Didn't you? Every time Charley makes a bet he comes home and says there is something wrong with his system."
"Jackson never lights one of his cigars. Just keeps it in his mouth and chews the end. I've often wondered why."
"You wouldn't if you had ever smoked one of them."
Jones the dentist, ought to make a good poker player.
Why?
He draws and fills so well.
Customer (to the coal dealer): "Have you got any name for those scales of yours?"
"I never heard of scales having a name."
"Well, you ought to call your scales Ambush. You see, they are always lying in weight."
[110]First Senior—Heard about Exsheff? He went down into South Africa, and he's come home a regular repository of Zulu spearheads and Boer bullets.
Second Senior—I always said he had good metal in him.
"What makes your sister so stout now, she used to be very thin?"
"She's working down in a photographer's."
"Why, how does that make any difference?"
"Well, she's in the developing room most of the time."
Jack—"Are you a suitor for Miss Juliet's hand?"
Tom—"Yes; but I didn't."
"Didn't what?"
"Suit her."
"What's the matter with Smith?"
"Why?"
"He goes along as abstractedly as though he were drunk and were seeing double."
"He is. They have twins at his home."
[111]Business men who marry their typewriter girls are apt to find that the young women are not so ready to submit to dictation after the wedding.
The first impulse of the young married man, on being presented with his first baby, is to give it a-weigh.
Mrs. B.—Have you seen the new dance called "The Automobile?"
Mr. B.—No; sort of breakdown, I suppose?
A young lady in Philadelphia is said to have had five lovers, all named Samuel. Her photograph album must be a book of Sams.
"You should sleep on your right side, madam."
"I really can't do it, doctor; my husband talks in his sleep, and I can't hear a thing with my left ear."
There is a Presbyterian in Jersey City so openly opposed to baptism by immersion that he refuses to carry a Waterbury watch.
[112]The following is a resolution of an Irish corporation: "That a new jail should be built, that this be done out of the material of the old one, and the old jail to be used until the new one be completed."
City Niece—"The windows in our new church are stained."
Country Aunt—"Ain't that a pity. Can't they get nothing to take it off?"
Broker—"Don't you find it easier to shave some men than others?"
Barber—"Yes; don't you?"
"Say Dad, what is an expert accountant?"
"An expert accountant," replied the father, "is a man who becomes famous by robbing a bank for two years before he is discovered."
Some men get up with the lark, while others want a swallow the first thing in the morning.
He—Time and tide wait for no man.
She—No, but a woman will.
Upon the purple hills,
For I am worried far too much
By falling due of bills.
"You say his wife's a brunette? I thought he married a blonde."
"He did, but she dyed."
"Miss Prim is a very proper young lady."
"Yes; she wouldn't even accompany a young man on the piano without a chaperon."
"He's quite a star as an after dinner speaker, isn't he?"
"Star? He's a regular moon. He becomes brighter the fuller he gets."
Dick—"Do you think you'll have much trouble in popping the question?"
Tom—"No, I think I'll have more trouble in questioning the pop."
What do you think of Windig?
He reminds me of a river.
What's the answer?
The biggest part of him is his mouth.
So often it's brought to your minds,
"People who live in glass houses"
Should always "pull down the blinds."
"Yes, the team is quite a good one, Mr. Horsley," he said as he returned the livery man's brag team, "but it has two drawbacks." "Oh, indeed; and may I inquire what they are?" "The lines."
The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a rolling-pin, a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed "Fight On," must have a grudge against them.
A man who had not the best reputation for strict veracity died the other day, and the family was greatly incensed because some well-meaning friends sent in a broken lyre as a floral tribute.
"It's been a coal day when you're left," said the kindling-wood to the cinder. "You're too chip-per," replied the cinder to the kindling wood. "Go to blazes," said the match, as it dropped in and fired both up.
[115]"That young gentleman has a very taking manner," said one young lady to another at a party, of a young man who had just left them.
"Yes," was the reply, "that's his business."
"His business? What is he?"
"A photographer."
Kid—Did the dogs ever bite you?
Gent—What dogs?
Kid—The dogs you ran after. Pa was telling Ma that you used to chase the growler when he first knew you.
Guard—I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence?
G.A.R.—Yes, but is was a more common sight to see a sentry box.
Whom every one said was a jeagh,
Fell in with a man
On the confidence plan,
And now he is back making heagh.
"Why, the bare idea!"
"Of what, dear?"
"Telling the naked truth!"
[116]Bess—May wears the worst clothes when she is riding horseback. Look at her now!
Fred—That certainly is one of her bad habits.
"That," said the loaf, pointing to the oven, "is where I was bred."
First Fly—Did it ever occur to you the baldheaded men have a keener sense of humor than others?
Second Fly—Well, I have noticed that they seem to be easily tickled.
In a manner most absurd:
The long green corn prickled up her ears
And this is what she heard:
Asked the onion of the hash,
"I'm jealous of the potato,
Because he's got a mash.
And suits her to a tea,
I used to be in love myself,
But the cream has soured on me."
[117]"Why do you call your dog hardware?"
"Because when I go to whip him he makes a bolt for the door."
Husband—That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle player.
Wife—Why?
Husband—Because it is a great melter.
He: Do you know, dear, you remind me of Huyler's candy.
She: Why? Because I am "so sweet?"
He: No! "Fresh every hour."
Landlady (proudly)—Nothing goes to waste in this house. I make hash out of everything that's left over.
Boarder—(musingly)—But what do you do with the hash that's left over?
Landlady—Re-hash it!
"If," said the druggist, "you will give this new tonic a trial I'm sure you will never use any other."
"Excuse me," rejoined the customer, "but I prefer something less fatal."
[118]"Do you know, George, Papa thinks you are a literary man."
"Where did he get that idea?"
"I don't know, but he said you looked just like a bookmaker."
Student—Professor, which is the logical way of reaching a conclusion?
Professor—Take a train of thought, my boy.
Smith—They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer loses his nerve.
Jones—The engineer, perhaps, but not the Pullman porter!
"What do you mean by referring to Miss Elderly as a pall-bearer?"
"She sits around all day long with a green parrot on her shoulder. I don't like such Poll-bearers."
Courtney—When you proposed to Miss Dexter did you get down on your knees?
Barclay—No, I couldn't; she was sitting on them.
[119]Kicksy—Wife, can you tell me why I am like a hen?
Mrs. Kicksy—No, dear, why is it?
Kicksy—Because I can seldom find anything where I laid it yesterday.
"Did you ever hear about the two holes in our back-yard?"
"Well! Well!"
"Old Jones
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