The New Pun Book by Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey (books for 5 year olds to read themselves .txt) 📖
- Author: Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey
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She—Yes, but the bridegroom appears rather run down.
He—Run down eh? That's just it; caught after a long chase.
She—You look as though you had raised Ned at your club last night.
He—I did; and, what is worse, he raised me back.
Franklin—"Do you know, I started in life as a barefooted boy?"
Hardy—"Well, I'll tell you I wasn't born with shoes on."
[92]Before marriage, women wants tenderness. In a little while she is satisfied with legal tender.
Pat—Who is being lowered into a well; "Sthop, will ye, Murphy? Oi want to coom up again."
Murphy—Still letting him down, "Phat for?"
Pat—"Oi'll Show ye. Af ye don't sthop lettin' me doon, Oi'll cut the rope."
It is a Maine husband who has dubbed his wife "Crystal," because she is always "on the watch."
"So Maude is happily married?"
"Happily? I should say she is! Why she married a somnambulist, who gets up in his sleep every morning and builds the fire."
Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath before retiring.
Upon beholding each other, one shouted in surprise, "Oh, Abey, how dirty you are!"
"Vell, what you tink?" said Abey, "I'm three years older dan you."
[93]A teacher in a high school asked a little wad of an Irish boy to describe a lake. "Sure and it is hole in the kettle."
The first kiss only comes once in a lifetime.
The trouble with the fellow who loses his temper is that he always finds it again.
The man who plays the bass drum should have no difficulty in beating his way.
An amateur performance for charity demonstrates that charity uncovers a multitude of sins.
It takes a musical crank to play a hand organ.
It is possible to square yourself without resorting to cube root.
While some people mount upward to the pinnacle of fame, others reach the height of folly.
A faint heart may never win a fair lady, but five of them have won many a jackpot.
And hit the young man's head.
"A striking likeness!" That was all
The rueful punster said.
[94]The fact that a man has not cut his hair for ten or twelve years need not necessarily imply that he is eccentric. He may be bald.
When a couple are about to elope the young man asks, "Does your mother know your route?"
"I will not sit that way!" angrily screamed the obstinate lady in the photographer's gallery. "I can't, and I won't; so there!"
"Madame," said the photographer, "it will be impossible for me to make a good negative of you unless you quit being so positive."
An Irishman in order to celebrate the advent of a new era, went out on a lark. He didn't get home, till 3 o'clock in the morning, and was barely in the house before a nurse rushed up and, uncovering a bunch of soft goods, showed him triplets. The Irishman looked up at the clock which said 3, then at the three of a kind in the nurse's arms, and said: "O'im not superstitious, but thank Hivins thot Oi didn't come home at twilve!"
[95]"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next."
"Are you intimate with any of the nobility?" asked Chippy. "Well, rather!" replied Clubdoodle. "I got a queen full last night, and had a high old time with four kings."
Electricity is a great educator. Think what it has done to make men see things in a new light.
"Will the coming man use both arms?" asks a scientist. "Yes, if he can trust the girl to handle the reins."
"I hear Smith, the sea captain, is in hard luck. He married a girl and she ran away from him."
"Yes, he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper."
Another great discovery of diamonds in Kentucky! A man got five of them on the first deal.
"What makes so much froth in a glass of beer, pa?"
"The barkeep, my son."
[96]Moses Schaumburg (to his son Jackey)—"How many are twice two, Jackey?"
Jackey-"Tervice two ish six."
"You are wrong, Jackey. Six vas too mooch."
"Don't I know dot, fadder, already some times ago. But I shoot said six so dot you could Chew me down."
The lynx-eyed cop along the docks,
And plunges in the cooling tide,
Arrayed in naught else but his hide.
Everybody knows a woman is hard to please. She likes the matrimonial harness, but doesn't like to be hitched up with a man who is strapped.
"I wonder why blondes are always anxious to be wedded?"
"I guess it is because they're naturally light-headed."
Comes around for a visit to my Sr.;
One night on the stairs,
He, all unawares,
Put his arm round her figure and Kr.
[97]"Do you know the nature of an oath, ma'am?" inquired the judge. "Well, I reckon I orter," was the reply. "My husband drives a canal boat."
Brown—"Young Dudel's body has been recovered." "Why, I didn't know he had been drowned." "He hasn't. He merely bought a new suit of clothes."
"Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Hart the millionaire, did not have a pair of shoes to cover his feet."
"And when was that, pray?"
"At the time he was bathing."
"Widowhood makes a woman unselfish." "Why so?" "Because she ceases to look out for Number One and begins to look out for Number Two."
The judge asked an Irish policeman named O'Connell, "When did you last see your sister?" The policeman replied: "The last time I saw her, Judge, was about eight months ago, when she called at my home, and I was out." "Then you did not see her on that occasion?" "No, Judge; I wasn't there."
[98]If Broomstick, as rumored, is in a woman's hands, he may be booked to beat the favorite.
Torchlight and Igniter, coupled should prove a red hot combination, but with Extinguisher in the race might not bring in any money to burn.
Animosity evidently has it in for some of the others.
Surmise ought to keep a lot of them guessing.
Brown—What kind of a cigar is that, old man?
Jones—It's called "The Soldier Boy."
Brown—H'm, I notice it belongs to the ranks.
"Can I sell you a nice cheap trunk to-day?" asked a dealer.
"And what the dickens do Oi be after wantin' a thrunk?"
"To put your clothes in, of course!"
"And go naked? Not a bit iv it!"
We are told that "Gen. Sherman was always coolest when on the point of attack." Most people are hottest when on the point of a tack.
[99]"I wish the hot weather would come along," sighed the thermometer. "People are beginning to look upon me as a thing of low degree."
"I wouldn't stand for that if I were you. Why don't you call him a liar?"
"That's just what I'll do. Where, where is your telephone?"
"This," murmured the demure maiden, when her lover nudged up still closer on the sofa, "is the closest call I've ever had."
The rapidity of ocean transport is becoming truly marvelous. A sea captain boasts that he finished loading a cargo of wheat at San Francisco by dinner time, and then went to China for tea.
"You are making yourself rather officious in this crowd," said a burly policeman to a notorious pickpocket. "I am only trying to dis-purse them," said the thief.
The slats of the shutter of our office-window are in a dilapidated condition. "Please help the blind."
[100]"Did you ever catch your husband flirting?"
"Yes; that's the very way I did catch him."
A deaf and dumb mute recently went into a bicycle shop and picked up a hub and spoke.
The girl who marries a title very frequently turns her fortune to a count.
There appears to be no affinity between the prestidigitator and the theatrical manager, yet they both make passes.
We don't always know just how the "other half" lives; but, in Chicago, the "better half" lives on her alimony.
"What did de lady do when yer asked her for an old collar?"
"She gave me a turndown."
"Are any of the colors discernible to the touch?" asked the school teacher.
"I have often felt blue," replied the boy at the head of the class.
Along the Elevated,
And stand upon the law by which
The company was created.
To settle these dissensions,
And every promise proves that "L"
Is paved with good intentions.
Woman with satchel enters car, sits down.
Enters conductor, asks fare.
Woman opens satchel, takes out purse, shuts satchel, opens purse, takes out dime, shuts purse, opens satchel, puts in purse, shuts satchel.
Offers dime, receives nickel.
Opens satchel, takes out purse, shuts satchel, opens purse, puts in nickel, closes purse, opens satchel, puts in purse, closes satchel.
Stop the car, please.
A baby is good stock on hand, but it makes bills payable and figures largely in the profit and loss account.
Don't pick a quarrel before it is ripe.
Hardy—Why do they call that Pullman porter doctor?[102]
Fish—Why, because he has attended so many berths.
"No, my darling daughter—
Keep your clothes on your hickory limb;
Then nobody'll know you've got her."
What do you think, I let my watch drop in the water and it never stopped running.
"Well, maybe it is used to being in soak?" "No, I think the mainspring was dry."
"Do you use each of those four mallets in the course of your work?" asked a wag of a cooper.
"Yes sir, I do."
"Then it can be remarked that while your occupation is not conducted strictly according to etiquette, there is much four-mallet-y about it."
"A coal stove is a cast-iron paradox. It won't burn unless you put it up; then it won't burn unless you shake it down."
[103]Uncle Fred—Why, my girl, you've grown like a cucumber vine! What progress are you making towards matrimony?
Clara—Well, uncle, I'm on my fifth lap.
"Remember," said the teacher, "that no man ever left this earth and returned."
"There was one," spoke up a small boy.
"Who was he?"
"Santos Dumont."
Smith—Most things that are bought go to the buyer.
Jones—Yes, all except coal; that goes to the cellar.
An Irishman, having gone out in his night-gown on a bitter cold night to stop the howling of a dog, was found by his wife, almost paralyzed with cold, holding the struggling dog by the tail. "Howley Mother, Pat," says she, "what would ye be afther doin?"
"Hush," said Pat, "don't ye see O'im trying to fraze the baste?"
[104]"Another tragedy," said the cynic, as shrill shrieks arose from the ruined cistern. "I suppose there is a woman at the bottom of it."
"What do you think? My sister is married."
"Well for Goodness sake! who married her?"
"Why, the clergyman of course."
When they are young and squallers,
Their hearts are sets upon the doll—
When grown, upon the dollars.
"Well, darling, what was the text?"
"I'm not quite sure, papa, but it sounded like, 'Many are Cold, but Few are Frozen.'"
"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Jones, "I have such a bargain!"
"Indeed?"
"Yes; you told me that blue poker chips were worth a dollar apiece, and I got a whole lot of them for seventy-five cents at a sale."
[105]Agnes—My right cheek burns so; what can I do to stop it?
Lucy—Tell Jack to shave
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