The New Pun Book by Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey (books for 5 year olds to read themselves .txt) 📖
- Author: Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey
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"Must have been a very heavy one."
"About four hundred tons."
"Horrible!"
"You see he was standing under the trestle, and a freight train ran off the track and dropped on him."
"But how about the dew?"
"Why, the train was due!"
First Doctor—Well, doctor, I had a peculiar case to-day.
Second Doctor—What was it, please?
First Doctor—I attended a grass widow who is afflicted with hay fever.
[120]Fred—Did you hear of The Western Furniture Co. advertising for models.
Dick—What for?
Fred—To try on Parlor suits.
"Yes, there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you dyspepsia."
"And what part is that?"
"The hole in the middle!"
Fannie—Why do people always apply the name of "she" to a city?
George—I don't know. Why is it?
Fannie—Because every city has outskirts.
"And you really believe that Friday is an unlucky day?"
"I know it is."
"Washington was born on Friday, and so was Napoleon and Tennyson and Gladstone."
"Yes, and every mother's son of them is dead!"
"Are you an amateur photographer?"
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Oh, I heard that you got Miss Rox's negative last night."
[121]Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St. Patrick's Day.
Pat—"If I'm up first I'll make a chalk mark on the door."
Mike—"And if I get up first I'll rub it out!"
Sibly—When Steve proposed to me he acted like a fish out of water.
Tirpie—Why shouldn't he? He knew he was caught.
She—Why do they call it an arm of the sea?
He—Because it hugs the shore, I guess.
Made Johnny feel quite gay.
He went to swim—the obsequies
Are being held to-day.
"What's the matter, John? You look kind o' weather-beaten this morning."
"That's exactly what I am. I bet five dollars it would rain yesterday, and it didn't!"
[122]"Can you swim, little boy?"
"Yes, sir."
"Where did you learn?"
"In the water, sir."
Millie—"I wonder what the holes in a porous plaster are for?"
Willie—"Why, they're for the pain to come out through, of course!"
"It's a good idea to make light of your troubles." "I do," replied Happigo; "whenever a creditor sends me a letter I burn it."
"What have you got to say for yourself?" "Jes dis, suh; I wants a liar to defend me." "You mean a lawyer?" "Yes, suh; I knowed I most had it!"
"So her second husband is a tenor?"
"Yes; she says her first was a bass deceiver!"
"I cannot play second fiddle to any one."
"Then be my beau!"
[123]Jimson—Now, you wouldn't marry me, would you?
Miss Sears—Most certainly not; but why do you ask such a question?
Jimson—Just to decide a bet.
Clara—"He gave me an army-and-navy kiss."
Maud—"What kind is that?"
Clara—"Oh, rapid fire—sixty a minute!"
"Young man, don't you know you ought to lay something by for a rainy day?" "I do; my rubbers."
The Only Remedy—"Mamma, I dess you'll have to turn the hose on me."
"Why, dear?"
"'Tause I'se dot my 'tocking on wrong side out."
He—"I saw you out driving yesterday with a gentleman. He appeared to have only one arm; is that all he has?"
She—"Oh, no; the other arm was around somewhere."
[124]"Why are pugilists like chickens?"
"Because they live on 'scraps!'"
May—I wonder what the men do at the club?
Pamela—From what Jack says I guess they play with the kitty most of the time.
Swatter—I see you are mentioned in one of the books just published.
Primly—Indeed! What book?
Swatter—The directory.
"Do you go to church to hear the sermon or the music, Maude?" "I go for the hims," said Maud.
Customer—Why do you call this electric cake?
Baker's Boy—I 'spose becuz it has currants in it.
"That tenor of yours has a marvelous voice. He can hold one of his notes for half a minute."
"Shucks! I've held one of his notes for two years."
[125]Coleridge, who was a bad rider, was accosted when on horseback by a wag, who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam, "The same thing that happened to me—An ass spoke to him."
Mother—"What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe?" Innocent—"Shall I leave out the swear words, mother?" Mother—"Certainly, my dear." Innocent—"Then I don't think he said anything."
"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits, eh?"
"No sir," said the traveler; "there was nothing of the comic-opera style about them. The gags they used were all new."
An excellent reason.—Casey—"Oi'll wurk no more fer thot mon Dolan." Mrs. Casey—"An' phwy?" Casey—"Shure, t'is an account av a remark thot he made t' me." Mrs. Casey—"Phwat did he say?" Casey—"Sez he, 'Pat, ye're discharged.'"
[126]Old Lady (at a ball game)—"Why do they call that a fowl? I don't see no feathers."
O'Riley—"No ma'am. It's a picked nine."
And trust them far you never can;
Though at confectioner's sometimes
You may unearth a candied man!
A lady was looking for her husband and inquired anxiously of a housemaid, "Do you happen to know anything of your master's whereabouts?"
"I'm not sure, ma'am," replied the careful domestic, "but I think they are in the wash."
"Have you much room in your new flat?"
"Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and dining-room are so small that we have to use condensed milk."
[127]"Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant." "While driving through the park don't speak to your horses. They carry tales." "All animals are not in cages. There are some dandelions on the lawn."
"And what is that?" quoth she,
The sailor merrily
Replied: "it's just the dog-watch, ma'am,
Whose bark is on the sea."
"She thinks that her husband is very economical."
"In what way?"
"She says that although he is passionately fond of cloves, he never eats but one at a time."
"I saw your sister on the street to-day."
"How was she looking?"
"I don't know. I didn't see her face."
"How did you know it was my sister?"
"Oh, I'm quick at figures."
[128]"What is the secret of success?" asked the Sphinx.
"Push," said the Button.
"Never be led," said the Pencil.
"Take pains," said the Window.
"Always keep cool," said the Ice.
"Be up to date," said the Calendar.
"Never lose your head," said the Barrel.
"Make light of everything," said the Fire.
"Do a driving business," said the Hammer.
"Aspire to greater things," said the Nutmeg.
"Be sharp in all your dealings," said the Knife.
"Find a good thing and stick to it," said the Glue.
"Do the work you are suited for," said the Chimney.
It seemed a harmless frolic;
He's been laid up a week—
They say, with painter's colic.
[129]Charlemagne was in need of amusement.
"Why," they asked him, "do you have such a large number of court jesters in constant attendance on your royal person?"
"Because," he replied, with a right regal chuckle, "I could not earn the surname of 'The Great' were I not careful to keep my wits about me."
A certain young man told his girl the other night that if she didn't marry him he'd get a rope and hang himself right in front of her home.
"Oh, please don't do it, Harry," she said. "You know father doesn't want you hanging around here."
If, as it has been said,
There's one of the lot has heard it not
And the other two are dead.
Lovett—You don't believe in divorce, then?
Hayter—No, sir; I've got too much sportin' blood.
Lovett—What has that to do with it?
Hayter—I believe in a fight to the finish.
[130]Lawyer: "Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a juror where the penalty is death?"
Boston Talesman: "I have."
Lawyer: "What, is your objection?"
Boston Talesman: "I do not desire to die."
Cohen left the ball-game because he said the umpire looked right at him when he called "three balls!"
"A Maine dealer says he has sold more skates this season than he has ever sold before in an entire season."
"That proves what I have contended right along."
"What's that?"
"That prohibition does not prohibit."
They knew not what was best:
The young man reached the front door,
The old man did the rest.
"Paw, can an honest man play poker?"
"Yes, Tommy; but he can't win anything."
Is Union Square?
"Why so glum, Blumly? Anything gone wrong?"
"Yes, I've just lost two of my best friends."
"By death or marriage?"
"Neither. I loaned them money."
How does your appetite grow?
Lobsters and quail, champagne in a pail,
And a "friend" to supply all the dough!
He—Then I am to understand that you have given me the mitten, as it were?
She—You have said it.
He—And is this all?
She—Of course it is. What more do you want—a pair of socks?
"Hey, boy, where's your brother?"
"In the barn, shoein' horses."
"Where's your mother?"
"In the back yard, shooin' chickens."
"Where's your father?"
"In the hammock, shooin' flies."
[132]"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made up——"
"Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that your mind, at least, was your own!"
Customer: "You have a sign in your window, 'A suit of clothes made while you wait.' Do you really do that?"
Tailor: "Yes, sir. You leave your order, with a deposit, and then go home and wait till the garments are finished."
"Yes, my darling daughter;
I suppose, of course, you won't wear skirts,
Although I think you oughter."
Lady—What! You here again? I don't believe you have done a thing all Summer.
Tramp—You do me an injustice, mum. I jist finished doin' thirty days.
[133]"Betty, why do you sit up at this hour of the night darning your stockings?" said mother, sharply; "don't you know it's 12 o'clock?"
"Oh, yes," laughed Betty, "but it's never too late to mend!"
"Would you say that the heart of you is like the tail of me?"
The tree gave the conundrum up. The pup, with wisdom dark,
Explained the matter saying, "It is farthest from the bark."
Butcher—I need a boy about your size, and will give you $1 a week.
Applicant—Will I have a chance to rise?
Butcher—Yes; I want you to be here at four o'clock in the morning.
A prominent man called to condone with a lady on the death of her husband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?"
"Nearly every night," was the reply.
[134]Bill had a billboard. Bill also had a board bill. The board bill bored Bill so that Bill sold the billboard to pay board bill. So, after Bill sold his billboard to pay his board bill, the board bill no longer bored Bill.
Tommy—Pa, did you really mean it when you said you'd spank anyone that broke that vase?
Pa—Just come here, sir, and I'll show you.
Tommy—Don't show me. Show Bridget; she just broke it.
Grim death has worked in him a change——
He always lied and always will,
He once lied loud and now lies still."
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